Thursday, June 03, 2010

Gulf Coast Lover

Below is a public service message from BP:

Baby, you and me got a problem. Remember the other night when I was making sweet love to you and you said "Pull it out!" at the top of your lungs? Well, I did, but something happened that I never expected.

My rig toppled over just like we thought it would when I'm done, but damn if it wasn't the gusher of the century. Hell, I'm still getting that nut and there ain't enough "quicker picker up" towels around to clean up that mess. We're talking gooey mess everywhere, even on wildlife.

Just bear with me until August. That's all I ask from you.

Oh yeah, one more thing. I want my life back.

You can follow us on Twitter @BobbyBimbo

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Conan Hates Cynicism

I know I should have posted this a week ago, but I just wasn't in the mood. To be honest, I was mourning the inevitable death of J.D. Salinger. Amazing how idiots who never heard of the guy are upset at his passing. Same bunch that cried for Syd Barrett and had no idea who he was either.

Last week, Conan O'Brien lost the "Tonight Show" after an ugly battle with NBC. Why did he lose the show? Because Letterman was kicking his ass in the ratings, that's why! Nothing against Conan. He's a funny guy, but he wasn't getting the job done.

The weird part was Jay Leno (who's own show was sucking hard in the ratings) acted like he was taking one for the team and agreed to come to the rescue and take the "Tonight Show" back. The even weirder part was how many numbnuts came out of the woodwork to take sides. Who gives a happy shit?

Conan, being a man of wealth and taste, gave a nearly tear jerking speech on how NBC had been his home for all of these years and yes, they have differences. Boo fucking hoo. But the best part was his baby tongue-lashing to his audience because he doesn't like cynics or the evil they do. Give me a break, Coco! It's easy for a guy who just got a $45 million payout to not be cynical.

So for everyone who got emotionally attached to this uninteresting soap opera, my advice is to be cynical. Take Conan off of your Facebook profile pic and worry about something that does affect your life, like proposed beer taxes.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009 Year In Review

I was avoiding this project momentarily, because I didn't want it to be another list of people who died, important moments, etc. This review of the past 12 months will be different!

I have boiled 2009 (aka the Crappy Year), down to three defining moments which you can expand on your own time.

1. Barack Obama becomes President. Good for him. He is the President. After a campaign of changing old attitudes, he didn't. For the first time in a long time, most people dislike BOTH political parties. Keep up the good work, politicians. We're starting to hate you all.

2. Michael Jackson died. Forever the showman, Michael died a few hours after Farrah Fawcett. Couldn't hold out for a week, asshole? They say they go in 3's. In a 2 week period, Michael, Farrah, Ed McMahon and the bearded guy from the commercials all died. Sorry, but the math just doesn't work out on that one. Back to Mr. Jackson, his funeral cost millions of dollars and then they had another burial service like a month later. Note - I want to see DNA testing on those kids. There's not a drop of "jackson juice" in them. They're being raised ala Navin Johnson.

3. Tiger Woods' affairs. A pro athlete with millions of dollars, travels the country 9 months of the year and banging chicks left and right. Say it ain't so! Why do you think kids want to grow up to be pro athletes? Precisely because you can hook up in a lot of different cities with different women and move on to the next town. And ladies, trust me on this one. For all of the guys that are acting like they're upset about it, they are not. We just don't want to have to listen to your "would you do that to me if you were a professional golfer?" shit. The lesson to be learned here is that if you're a pro athlete, don't get married until you retire.

The underlying thread to all of this: Three light-skinned African Americans have dominated the headlines. Yes, I know that Jackson hit the Clorox too hard, but the shoe still fits.

We at the Hairy Carrot hope you have a great New Year!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Introducing Dr. Robert Bimbeaux, PhD

Here at the Hairy Carrot Institute, we've been working on several issues that affect mankind. Least of all has been this stupid blog. It's obvious that it needs help. We haven't posted anything in over a year. Therefore, we've brought in the big guns.

Dr. Robert Bimbeaux, PhD is currently the head of the Hairy Carrot Home for Promiscuous Girls, a non-profit organization that gives back to the ladies that give all they have. Paying it forward, the good doctor, also know as Bobby Bimbo, has accepted the position of contributor for this blog.

Stay tuned and don't give up hope for us here. Christmas is just around the corner and then the beginning of a New Year, full of promise and resolutions that just won't be kept. Like we say, "Keep 'em hanging on with brief moment of false hope."

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Who Are You Going To Vote For?

Several things have popped up this election year. The economy reared its ugly head, as well as healthcare and terrorism. But the amount of snatch involved really makes a swing voter look a little deeper.

Hillary Clinton, with her cankles and smart pant suits, is out. Personally, I don't think Bill has hit that thing since his first election. I've seen sexier women ring up my produce at the grocery store and I'm grateful that I don't have to look at her on TV for the next four years. From a genetic perspective, Chelsea is rumored to have been involved in some interracial relationships while in college. At least somebody was tapping some Clinton ass.

The other woman directly involved in the election is Sarah Palin. I acknowledge that she's a hottie, albeit a rather dim bulb and most definitely a ballbuster. Far to the right (if she's against gay marriage and abortion, I bet she'd try to take porn off the web), she scares those of us who would probably have voted for McCain. The irony is that she has the look that every woman in porn can easily copy. For details on this, search "Who's Nailin' Palin?". And yes, I'd love to "drill in Alaska", if you know what I mean.

Jill Biden looks like every mom from when I was in Cub Scouts. Joe's second wife (the first died in a car wreck when she found out he was a politician), stays out of the limelight. In my opinion, I like most women that way.

Michelle Obama is having to charter new territory. As the potential "First Sistah" she's been ridiculed and raked over the coals. I know Barack is gettin' him some of dat. Her big ass makes up for those small titties (they look small to me). And her being a lawyer can be boner killer, but on the whole, I wish someone would find a Michelle sex tape for me filmed in Spankervision. Would I go down on her? The correct question is, "has Barack gone down on her?" I think he has, but being half black, he's got to deny it.

Which brings us to the milf from hell, Cindy McCain. Younger (18 years) than the senator, she's his second wife and, more famously, the heiress to a beer fortune. It just doesn't get any better than that. Of course, getting busted for stealing prescription drugs from her own charity and becoming addicted is the icing on the cake. Where is Rush Limbaugh on that one? And yes, a poll of the Hairy Carrot Institute acknowledges that 94% of registered male voters would on that thing like white on rice.

So, when voting this Tuesday, let your little head do the thinking for your big head. Vote for something we can all enjoy for the next four years.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Barack Obama Is The Tiger Woods Of Politics

I've tried my hardest to stay out of the political stuff here lately, mainly because I'm kind of sick of hearing about it all. At work, at bars, and everywhere in between, someone is bitching about Obama or McCain or Bush or congress, etc. The weird part is that no one is gung-ho for anybody. They're just pissed at the choices.

Obama has reaffirmed what I've known all along - that white people like their black people non-threatening, light skinned and articulate. Let's face it, as popular as Snoop Dog is, even the black people wouldn't elect him to office. At least no more than Eminem would get the honky vote! And there are too many similarities to Tiger Woods to mention here, but the short list is the obvious. Both are interracial, went to good schools and worked their asses off to get where they are. Let that be a lesson to you know-it-all punks.

Then there is McCain. I've always liked the guy. For some reason, the Bushies don't like war veterans, unless they are from a war that the Bushies started. McCain and John Kerry both have their faces on dartboards in the Oval Office. And the fact that his wife is a beer heiress is just too sexy. How about Cindy and Sarah Palin in some hot "girl-on-girl" action.

Speaking of Palin, the "McCain/Milf" signs sum it up for me. In her defense, she wasn't prepared for limelight. However, that doesn't mean squat to the owners of Club Paradise Men's Club in Las Vegas. These politically astute businessmen have arranged for a Palin lookalike contest including a debate segment. For those of you planning on attending, please bring $2 bills for insertion in the g-strings. The economy is weak, you know.

For a good and very tasteless laugh, click here. You've been warned.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Don't Be That Guy

A friend of mine was lamenting last week that the economy had gotten so bad he was planning to purchase a scooter to save money on gas. I guess he didn't notice that the only thing good in this economy was that gas prices were dropping like the abstinence rate during Spring Break.

Of course my reply was that everyone would think he had a couple of DUI's. Why? Because those idiots that drive mopeds on busy roads and back up traffic have lost their licenses due to drinking and driving offenses. In other words, they continue to use bad judgement.

So, just remember. When you see that dude going 25mph in a 50mph zone, yell at him. Tell him to sober up. Point your finger. What's he going to do, catch up to you and beat your ass? Much like the "Scarlet Letter", shame him into sobriety and off the road. It's called "hitting bottom" and it's the only thing that will help the person.