Friday, December 29, 2006

Hey Saddam, How's It Hanging?

It seems as though everyone's best friend, Saddam Hussein, is in for one hell of a weekend. His death sentence was upheld by an appellate court this week, and the Iraqis government, not known for many successful decisions of late, has sped up the process of execution.
Now I know what all of you people are saying. "Why do we have people on death row for years and years and those crazy Iraqis can't take care of business in less than a month?" I'm not really sure why this is, except that this country is run by a bunch of pussies who think a murderer has more rights than his victim. And it's Christmas, the time of year when executions should be stepped up.
CNN, home to some pretty hot anchor bitches, is reporting that Saddam may be swinging like my johnson on a hot, summer day before Gerald Ford gets cold. My gut tells me that Saddam has asked for this whole mess to be finished soon, because he can't stand turning on the television in his cell and watching Rosie O'Donnell picking fights for attention.
On a related note, most people don't realize that Saddam is a huge fan of James Brown, who died Christmas morning. Crushed and filled with despair, the deposed dictator reportedly cried like a little girl a the news of his idol's passing.
In conclusion, they really do die in three's - Saddam Hussein, James Brown and Rosie O'Donnell's career.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Christmas Is A Time For Giving...

Ah, it's that time of year. Carols, Christmas trees, crowded fucking stores filled with assholes. Everybody wants something, either a toy or a donation for some poor family. Why can't we do this shit in June when it's warm? At least I wouldn't have to be shopping with every other sick dick in the mall, with their runny noses dripping snot. Tis the season, though.
And gifts. Where do I start? There are those people who really don't need anything, so you get them a gift card. There's a scam. Did you know that somewhere around 80% of gift cards get redeemed? True shit. That means about 20% pure profit for a company that sells gift cards. Money for nothing. If you have a business and have the ability to sell gift cards, you're a damn idiot if you don't do it.
There are people that don't understand what the meaning of the word "gift" is either. When I give someone a gift, it doesn't mean I'm obligated to receive one in return. It means I didn't have to give you a damn thing in the first place. If you don't like the gift, shut the fuck up and smile and say thank you. When I leave, you can give it away or throw it in the trash. I don't give a shit.
You wouldn't believe how many people I give something to and they bitch about it. "This isn't a good color for me" or "Not another gift card." What the hell is the matte with you people? I really don't think that the Magi had a Target gift receipt for all that myrhh. (What stoner gives a baby incense?)
So, don't be a dick during this Christmas season. Order all of your gifts off the web, avoid the mall, and drink heavily. That's what Christmas is all about.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Time Magazine - Puss Out Of The Year

Go ahead and pat yourself on the back. You're a winner and you now have something to put on your resume. You see, Time Magazine has chosen you, the blogger/information sharing public, as their "Person Of The Year". How gay is that?
There are actually individuals that are much better candidates for this honor, like the President of Iran. He looks like a fucking terrorists with that windbreaker and his Manson-esque far away look in his eye, and he's got nukes! Yeah, I'd put him ahead of some idiot blogger, like myself.
Then we also could consider Ladainian Tomlinson who is juking white boy defenders in the NFL. Or, I would consider Sydney Lowe, who has already looking for the paddles and screaming "clear" while resuscitating NC State's basketball program, thus giving hope and joy to many frustrated Wolfpack fans.
But nooooo, the magazine thinks that a dude in his underwear with mustard on his shirt and jerking it to Ampland pics is a more qualified.
With all of this in mind, we will be choosing the Hairy Carrot Person of the Year for 2006. Send in all of your nominations with an explanation in 25 words or less why they should be our pick. And don't be gay like Time Magazine.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Christmas Is Great For Pranks

I really don't care for Christmas all that much. Actually, if they cut it back to once every five years, I wouldn't shed a damn tear. Everyone is so happy and joyful and shit, it makes me feel bad about screwing with their heads, but I do it anyway. So here are some cool ways to jerk those idiots around.
For example, I ship plenty of packages full of gifts to friends and family. On the outside of the package, write in large letters, "Are you still having those sexual fantasies about your letter carrier?" Boy, they'll get a kick out that one!
If you are unfortunate enough to work in a retail environment, the company usually wants some empty boxes gift wrapped to look like gifts and displayed throughout the store. Who says the boxes have to be empty? Put a piece of sandwich meat (ham, corned beef, etc.) inside the box before wrapping. After a week or so, an aroma will start to permeate through the store, and your co-workers will take a while before figuring out where it's coming from. Stinky gifts are the reason for the season.
Here's a great one if you enjoy small kids as much as I do. Go to the area in the mall where Santa is and tell the kids in line (you have to make sure parents aren't around) that old Kris Kringle keeps the "reindeer food" in the front of his pants. Remind the child that there are starving reindeer in Africa.
If you can come up with any other ideas, send them to me. It'll make the season a little brighter for all of us.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Doing It Like The Monks Do

First of all, I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I took the time to spend with family and couldn't get the hell out of there fast enough.

A few weeks back, I was watching a show on the TLC network called "The Monastery". This reality show had a basic premise: Take five guys with problems (war wounds, drugs, alcoholism, etc.) and put them alone in a monastery with monks for a month. Nobody gets voted off or anything. Instead just watching them cope with being around a bunch of celibate men and do as they do is the entertainment.
To be honest, I didn't pay all that much attention to it, but there was one thing that stood out. The monks were silent for a few hours in the morning, and the abbott mentioned that the "civilians" could learn a thing or two from this practice. So I decided to give it a try.
In the car, riding for an hour at a time, I turned off the radio, quit screaming at my fellow drivers, and listened to my thoughts. At first, it sucked. I didn't realize how much shit was swirling around in my brain. After a while, everything slowed down long enough for me to at least get a handle on the situation.
Here's a sample of the ramblings in my head.

Wal-Mart really does suck.
I'm worried that I like porn too much.
Pink Floyd is a lot harder to listen to in the car, because you have to be sober to drive.
Christmas should be held every five years.
Al Sharpton can kiss my honky ass.
Letterman has the "Top Ten" and "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches". Why not nightly "Awkward Apologies"?
Porn's okay in moderation.
This pope isn't as cool as the last pope.
Capital gains taxes suck.
Chuck Amato can't be too surprised he lost his job.
Bush needs to flatten Bagdad.
That "Borat" guy is funny as shit.
There aren't any fugly chicks in country music anymore.
Fuck it, I love porn!

As you can see, there's a lot of stuff going on in my brain. And this list was from the first 20 seconds or so. Eventually, I zoned out, nearly hit a tree and got back on the road. I forgot those fucking monks don't drive.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Kramer Is A People Person

Can you guess what that hard sucking sound is? No, it's not Chuck Amato's career at NC State, but you're close. It's the career of another stupid bastard, Michael Richards. He's the guy that went off on some black hecklers at a comedy club in Los Angeles last Friday night.
"You are a nigger!" he ranted over and over while the audience waited for a punchline. When they didn't get one, they realized the guy on the stage had gone nuts and was having a true meltdown. So what did the audience do while the guy is freaking out? Well, they videotaped him with their cellphones, of course. And with a good dose of commentary from the director of the video.
"Oh my god!" she gasped, as if to never heard the n-word before.
After become fodder for YouTube, Kramer found out what a bunch of shit he stepped into. His agent also saw his income dry up for the next ten years, so a magnificently choreographed publicity coup was staged on the Letterman Show (which still is much better than Leno, by the way).
What evolved was possibly the most awkward apology ever seen by man. Richards contorted and showed what a dork he really is by showing disgust in himself and the "crap I said". He even acknowledged that Letterman had poked fun at the incident, but it really wasn't something to joke about. He should have just cried like Jimmy Swaggart after he got busted for that "funny little whore" thing.
What surprised me was his lack of range when it comes to racial epithets. "You are a nigger!" isn't that original and shows his limits. For instance, he could have referred to the hecklers as any of the following: Coon, colored, blue gum, sambo, porch monkey or denyer of pussy eating. Afterall, they called him a "crackerass muthafucka". Shoe fits, dude.
During his apology, he cried, "But I'm not a racist." Really? He was spewing them out like a professional. Kind of like when the chick in the porno plays a virgin, but you know that real virgins don't suck dick and get ass fucked on the first date. Let's just say Richards gave himself away.
And speaking of apologies, Al Sharpton said that it wasn't good enough (none ever are) because it came on a "white show", referring in his own idiotic way to Letterman. The only thing that will make Al satisfied is when Richards serves Chris Rock's mama at the Cracker Barrel. And who the fuck died and elected Al "Crackhead" Sharpton president of the "Afro-americans" anyway?
I always liked the guy's work. How's about some predictions from the Hairy Carrot nation on where we'll see him 5 years from now. Post your thoughts in the comments section below.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Santa Visits The Geeks

For the last few days, or in some cases, weeks, losers everywhere have been camping out in front of electronic stores in eager anticipation of Sony's Playstation 3. Yippee!!! I'm sure there's an idiot stroking it right this second just considering having a new PS3.
And gamers everywhere finally have a reason for social interaction, even if it means telling a compatriot the most comfortable way to sleep on sidewalk.
Sony has scored the marketing coup of the year by having "production problems" which in effect means that there might not be enough machines to go around. Talk about drumming up demand, and in turn, lines around Circuit City.
But does an electronic store really want people sleeping in front of their store? Some might, if they want the publicity. A smart bum could kick ass if they played their cards right. For instance, set up camp in front of a store, and then auction off your place in line to the highest bidder. There's a lot of Thunderbird to be had, my homeless amigos.
Speaking of auctions, some of these folks have plans for their PS3 machines, like taking them home and putting them up for bid on Ebay. I'm all about making a profit, especially off of geeky guys and gals. And Ebay is the place to dump stuff people want. My theory on Ebay is that when you become the "winning bidder", you're actually the losing bidder. That's because you have agreed to pay more than anyone else thought the item was worth. Dumbass. Like that sandwich that had an image of the Virgin Mary on it. Oh yeah, that was worth thousands of dollars. All that did was entice asshole around the globe to put sandwiches on Ebay.
Back to our subject, these dorks that slept in front of Best Buy for days are the same dummies that won't wait 30 minutes to be seated at Outback for a lovely ribeye. Probably the same reason they can't get mates either. I guess speed dating is out of the question.
If you are one of these people that doesn't think you're life is completely fulfilled until you have the newest in electronic gaming, then let the Hairy Carrot give you some advice:
1. Get a life. You're a loser and Sony is playing you like a cheap violin.
2. Get laid. This might be impossible for you, given your "condition", but birds of a feather flock together and all that shit. You might actually be able to "hook up" with someone of the opposite sex without using cables.
3. If you must wait in line, make life as miserable as possible for those in line in front of you. Offer free beverages, like beer or coffee. Both make people piss a lot and have to leave the line. And be open to leaving turds in hard to find places. No one wants to smell your ass, even if a PS3 is 40 feet away.
4. Bring porno magazines to distract the others when the doors of the store actually open.
5. Remember, the only thing worse than a geek is a geek "wannabe". Leave the fucking comic books at home
Maybe this will help you out, but I seriously doubt it.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

A Real Change Of Leadership

Now that the mid-term elections are behind us (mercifully), the 2008 Presidential race has started to take shape. Sen. John McCain, a POW in Vietnam, and Rudy Giuliani, former Mayor of New York when the 9/11 attacks happened, have both announced they are forming exploratory committees for their presidential aspirations. In other words, they're running for President, but they have to get their ducks in a row.
We can expect more little weasel politicians to come out of the woodwork in the next few months. Hillary, John Edwards (who could actually win), John Kerry (stick a fork in this dumbass, he's done) will all run. I can see a McCain/Giuliani ticket against an Edwards/Obama ticket. It'll be ugly, and of course, a lot depends on Iraq and other variables.
With this in mind, I'm considering an exploratory committee for my own run for office. President Hairy Carrot. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Hell, I'd even make the legendary Baron Spencer Von Dahmer my running mate. Of course, we'll have to see if he's available.
Over the next few blogs, I'll give you some of my positions, which are universal in nature.
For instance, we need to guarantee our personal freedoms. Like legalizing prostitution. Seriously, what is the difference between a whore and some skank you pick up in a bar, take home, bone, and leave $50 on the dresser to help her with her power bill? None. Does that make the bar skank a whore? You figure it out. And of course, you wouldn't kiss either one of them on the mouth.
Abortion? Raise the legal abortable age of a fetus to 18 years. I think we can all live with that, unless you're 15 years old and can't behave your sorry ass.
Estate taxes need to be done away with. If I bust my ass and horde half of the county, I should be able to give it to my offspring without them having to be shaken down by the IRS. Pricks.
Iran and North Korea need to be nipped in the ass, from now. What the fuck are we waiting for? Everybody knows that the North Koreans would sell a bomb to anyone to put some food on the table. The Chinese want to handle this, but screw that shit. And the Iranians are a boil on the ass of this planet. I say we give Israel the green light and our blessings to bomb both of these upstart nuke countries "Dresden style". Then, during an elaborate ceremony at the U.N., we present Israel with a check for $50. You know, to help with the power bill.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Frat Boys

Sometimes it's great when other people look like assholes. That's because I can do nothing and still come off as a pretty cool dude compared to them. And that's why I like frat boys so much. They're inherently dicks to begin with, but put me or the rest of the Hairy Carrot Nation next to them, and we look normal for a change.
So, it was no surprise to anyone when two Chi Psi fraternity brothers from the University of South Carolina decided to sue the producers of "Borat". You see, the movie was a fake documentary, but no one told these pricks the part about it being fake. They appear in the film making remarks about women and how slavery should make a comeback. I'm sure the local chapter of Alpha Phi Alpha will be coming to the guys' defense. (Here's another example of a few bad apples ruining it for the rest of us honkies.)
Now these two pussies are claiming that they were mislead about the project and they wouldn't have said all of those things if they were sober. Sounds like a Mel Gibson moment to me, but who am I to judge? I get drunk and talk shit, but it's usually in the form of "Hey, I love to bang frat boys' moms."
The point here is that they did, indeed, make the comments. It doesn't matter if they were drunk or high or sucking the glass dick. They said it. Just like those dumb whores that show their tits to "Girls Gone Wild" and then get upset. Fuck 'em. I did.
Frat boys hate being called "frat boys". Who cares what they like? I prefer to call them poor little drunks with trust funds, but it doesn't roll off the tongue as well. So if you're a frat boy and you want to change your image, don't support these racist fags. Shun them as if they were Latinos at your country club. Then, disavow your gay fraternities based on "Greek" culture. Trust me, real ethnic Greeks think you're all a bunch of sissy boys anyway, and so do the rest of us.

Friday, November 03, 2006

An Asian Girl's Favorite Holiday

The Hairy Carrot Mid-Term Election News Crew has been working hard on our picks for several offices. Our criteria was simple: vote for the person that won't screw up as much as the rest. Also, some just had better ads and didn't grate on our nerves as much as others. Some were pricks, so we tossed them aside. On the whole, we used a very scientific method.
For South Carolina Governor, we chose Mark Sanford, the incumbent. The main reason was that he's not a good ole boy redneck.
In Connecticut, we suggest Phil Maymin, the Libertarian. He's got the best commercial in this year's races. Watch and you'll see why we like him.
Overall, we don't like the Democrats nor the Republicans. They both suck ass hard, so out of disgust, we suggest you vote for a third party.
The Libertarian Party probably represents our sentiments the best. Most obvious is their stand on the legalization of drugs. Yippee!!!
So, next Wednesday, when you wake up and find that your tax dollars are still being whored out, just by a different set of whores, don't blame us.
And yes, Asian girls love "erection" day.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Shooting Guards

NBA Commissioner David Stern sent out an edict (more of a request) to his players this week in which he said he wants guns left at home. Huh?
What brought this about was an incident this month involving several Indiana Pacers. Seems these nice upstanding young men were at a titty bar until about 3am, got into some sort of an argument, and decided to take matters into their own hands. Of course, the argument followed them to the parking lot where their posse, weed (which belonged to the posse, wink, wink) and guns happened to be. Shots were fired, blah, blah, blah.
I'm not implying all NBA players love titty bars, guns, weed and their posses. But there is a lot of this shit going on. How does this relate to the average Joe on the street, or more importantly, me?
Well, on a personal note, I love titties, but I avoid titty bars. In the deep south, they're referred to as "titty flops", because the titties flop. You leave one and your drunk, broke and horny. Trust me, I don't need their help in any of these three areas.
I don't own a gun, because I'd probably shoot every dumb fuck in traffic. Keep pulling out in front of me and I'll get a gun, dumbshit.
Weed isn't a big deal to me. I'd rather hang with a stoner than a drunk, if you must know the truth. Drunks get aggressive and annoy me. Stoners sit on the couch and watch Star Trek for hours at a time.
And finally, I have friends. I don't call them my posse and I don't like moochers, which is what an NBA posse is.
Stern, the poor shit, has to put up with this crap all the time. When was the last time you heard of the NFL or MLB commissioner asking their players not to pack heat? Never, because it doesn't happen.
Shit, I need a shiv.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Top GOP Leaders Love Homos

Did you know that the Republican National Committe sends out daily talking points? And that those talking points are distributed through the Drudge Report? It's true. The Drudge Report is used as a conservative clearing house of " information" for media outlets like Fox News, Rush, Hannity and other "fair and balanced" pundits.
The problem is that Drudge, who ironically made his mark on the world by breaking the Clinton blowjob story, has himself,been long rumored to be a dick smoker for years. This means that while the Republicans have been on the defensive during the Mark Foley scandal and telling everyone how distasteful the whole thing is, gay conservatives have been coming out of the woodwork and saying how they still love their party. And the party loves them. And all the while, the big mouths on the radio are getting all their talking points from some rump ranger.
These are the big mouths that tell everyone how gay marriage is a horrible threat to straight marriage and that gays are sinners. Family values is what it's all about.
So, yesterday, Bush went to Ohio and campaigned on behalf of a congressman who had an affair and is trying to defend himself against charges that he beat his mistress. (Damn family values!)When Bush was asked how he could support such a man, he made some lame comment about how we're all sinners and deserve forgiveness.
Except the fags. Unless their voting. That when he loves 'em. And he loves Matt Drudge.
Conservative fudge packers, unite!!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Chris Rock's Mama And Al Sharpton

Last spring, Chris Rock's mother and sister went into a Cracker Barrel restaurant. That's where the trouble started. Supposedly, the two were seated and then ignored for over 30 minutes. Feeling slighted on the basis of their blackness, they complained. The manager apologized (said they were changing shifts) and offered them free meals, but as you probably know, that wasn't good enough. So now, Mrs. Rock has called Al Sharpton and she is suing Cracker Barrel.
Let's set the record straight, or as some might say, "skrate". It's a "Cracker" Barrel, bitch! Would you try to get a room at a "Honky Hotel"? Probably. And then you'd piss and moan about that, too. Hows about I go to a soul food place and have everyone stare at me? Like the scene in "Animal House" when the Deltas went to see Otis Day and the Knights. But then I'll sue the ass off of the brother that owns it because I've been singled out due to my honkiness. Sounds grand!!
And you want to know something? I've been through the same shit all up and down the Grand Skrand. It's called Shitty Service. It has nothing to do with race or creed or color. It's all about people having shitty paying jobs and not giving a damn. Hell, I'm a whitey and I've been left to my own devices in upscale seafood joints, Mexican restaurants and those stupid "three and a meat" dumps.
So, get over yourselves and quit complaining. I'm sure Chris will have some rant about this on his next HBO special. "My mutha fucking mother wasn't served at a Cracker Barrel because of the color of her skin and this is 2006. How fucked up is dat!" I'll remember this all next time the little black girl at McDonald's doesn't remember my fries. "I'm oppressed, bitch!"

Friday, October 13, 2006

Who Do You Trust?

When you go to work, do you trust your co-workers not to screw you over? Those backstabbing bastards. How about going into a job interview? Will you really get the position you wanted with the perks? Maybe, maybe not. The most notorious in this category is military recruiters. "We'll make sure you get to flight school and be stationed in Hawaii."
Politicians are the kings of all bullshitters. Think about it. Ever try to get several thousand (or million) voters to pick your name out of a group? If I were to run for office, I'd be honest about it. "Vote for me and I'll be the biggest whore in the world. All you have to do is line my pockets with cash." It happens anyway, so it's best to tell the truth up front. It's called integrity.
Can you trust the butcher? Not at my grocery store. I buy meat, put it in the freezer and thaw it out a couple of days later. It smells of ass because it probably wasn't fresh in the first place. I slaughter the neighbors' pets nowadays.
Of course, we've found out that you can't trust your congressman with your kid. And that's because Representative Cock Gobbler (R-Fl) ruined that for us too.
What's the lesson from all of this? Don't rely on anyone else, except for your gut and Hairy Carrot.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Temporary Loss Of Common Sense

I've been out of touch for the last week or so. Seems Mama Carrot wasn't feeling too hot, so being the great son that I am, I went to visit her and help her get on her feet again. This blog will return in all of it's glory on Friday to make fun of somebody. Probably her. Or you. Or the cock gobbler Foley who has literally "blown it" for his party.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

GOP Congress Literally Covers Its Ass

Let's say that you are a social conservative and you think that the Republican held Congress is just neato. You think Bush is okey dokey and, gosh darn it, those homosexuals are going straight to hell.
Now you find out that a Congressman likes to email dirty messages to little boys, and worse, his attorney tells the media (liberal and Fox) that he's gay. "By the way, did we mention he was molested by a clergyman and he's a drunk?" Can this get even better?
Well, it seems it can, and it will. The GOP leaders in the House of Representatives were informed a year ago that Rep. Foley was inappropirately corresponding with pages. Taking a note from the Catholic church and NAMBLA, they decided to sweep it under the rug and hope it would go away. It didn't go away. Now those leaders want you to remember that they are just as concerned about social conservatism as much as you are, with the exception of older men wanting to bugger teen boys in the their butts.
The not-so-surprising thing is that the pages saved the emails and instant messages just like Monica saved that dress with Slick Willie's man-seed on it. Hard copies of the messages appeared on ABC News' website.
Barney Frank, who has been the official sphincter boy of Congress for the past decade, is "laying low" (no pun intended) while Speaker Hastert bends over backward (intended) to keep his job. Now here's a scandal we can all enjoy, unless you're a page.
My summary: Republicans and Democrats are both perverts, so vote for a third party.

Friday, September 29, 2006

School Violence

What in the hell are people thinking of when they start shooting up schools and shit? In the last couple of days, a principal has been killed in Wisconsin and a teenage girl was killed in Colorado.
The Colorado case was especially fucked up. Duane Morrison, a complete loser with some serious mental problems (documented or not), went into a school, held six teenage girls hostage and molested some or all of them before releasing four of the girls. Of the two remaining, one girl managed to get a way from Morrison, who claimed he had a bomb. Then the asshole shot the other girl in the back of the head before offing himself. What a guy!
Of course, after the incident, it was revealed that this cocksucker had sent his brother a letter that consisted of fourteen pages of his ramblings. In a nutshell, the letter's theme was one of "woe to me". Fucking crybaby.
"My life is sooooo bad. Everyone is mean to me." I have no sympathy or understanding for you or your sad life. Look around, bastard, because there are a lot of people who have it worse and they're not whining like a little bitch, or worse, killing cute girls.
The other case in Wisconsin, involved a student shooting his principal to death. His motive had something to do with being upset due to a possible suspension from school. What was this dick being suspended for? Having tobacco on school grounds.
I didn't know you weren't allowed to have tobacco. Hell, when I was in high school, we actually had a "smoking concourse" where students were encouraged to go to smoke. And those kids were a lot more fun to hang with that the preppy little bitches. Of course, while I was taking trigonometry and college prep English, they were taking masonry and remedial math, but it didn't matter.
I think the cure for this shit is two-pronged and completely diametric. First off, we need to take the stick out of our own asses on shit like smoking and drinking. If that's the worst you can do, we'll handle it somehow. Secondly, we need to start beating the shit out of people that are just fucked up. If you can't behave (and I can only venture a guess that Mr. Morrison had already proved in some way that he was a threat to others), then you either go to Afghanistan and kill terrorists, or we drop you in the ocean and let you fight your deep seeded mental problems in the watery depths. Either way, I'm sick of you and the overly tolerant pussies that take up for your bullshit.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Playing Us Like A Cheap Violin

I'm going to keep this short, mainly because I'll go fucking crazy if I keep thinking about Hugo Chavez.
In case you don't know who this asshole is, he's the Presidente of Venezuela, which is sending us about a quarter of our foreign oil. That means he has us by about a quarter of our short hairs, as well. A while back, Pat Robertson, the wacky preacher with the funny little drinking problem, stated that the U.S. should go ahead and have Chavez assassinated. Very Christian, indeed!
Anyway, Hugo came to New York on Wednesday and declared George Bush "the devil". He even said that the smell of sulfur was still on the podium from Bush' s speech the day before. So much for diplomacy.
Condoleeza Rice, speaking for the administration, said she wasn't going to "dignify the remarks" with a reply. Taking the high road shit is for the birds in this instance, whether you think Bush is Lucifer himself, or just a lieutenant in the evil army of Hades. Personally, I think his daddy got him preferential treatment and he was in the Satanic National Guard, flying decommissioned planes from Texas to Florida, but that's another story.
The day after Hugo's speech, he went to Harlem, where he played up his new program. What was this new program, you ask? Heating fuel for poor Americans.
I know we are screwed when we let a foreigner come here, insult our president, then start a program that our own government should be doing in the first place. Maybe we can let the Iranians feed the poor or the North Koreans could staff our military. Sounds like we solve a lot of problems that way.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Top Ten Reasons I Drink

10. Chicks don't give me lovin' the way I like.
9. Vitamin C sucks without vodka.
8. They wouldn't have called it "happy hour" unless it really made you happy.
7. Eases me into those brief moments of false hope.
6. I'm still bitter about the Iranian hostage crisis.
5. I'm still bitter about the Beatles breakup.
4. I look better in the mirror.
3. It's legal (for now).
2. Bush quit and look how he turned out.
1. All the cool kids are doing it!

Friday, September 15, 2006

The Raciest Survivor Of Them All

"Survivor", has gone to new lengths to revive its ratings by dividing the contestants along racial lines. I don't have a problem with this. In the past, the show has seperated the teams by sex. Most of the time, the black team members tend to hang out together anyway, just like real life.
One thing that struck me as interesting, though, was how annoying a bunch of honkies (the "Raro" tribe") can be when they're together. One dude actually stole a chicken from the Asian team, only to watch his teammate set it free. CBS must have edited out the "stupid bitch" comments that were exclaimed in unison around the world when she lifted the box that the bird was under. Like my papa always said, "Choke a chicken before some broad ruins your good time."
Actually, I don't even think the Hispanic ("Aitu") team auditioned for the show. They were probably standing on a corner looking for work when a pickup truck came by and carted their asses off to the Cook Islands.
"Puka", which obviously translates to "we can put a boat together faster than the rest of you" kicked everyone's ass in the challenge. They did this because Mr. Miyagi saved the day by curing his teammate's sinus headache. His technique - pulling the dude's septum out far enough to give him the Asian "Jaime Farr" look temporarily.
The black team, known as "Hiki", or as Snoop would say, "Shi-ziki", came in last in the challenge, thus having to vote one of their own off the island. Before they went, Hiki got to exile another contestant to Spank Island (hey, what would you do by yourself for two days with nothing but water and rice?). The highlight of the evening was when the funky soul brother chose "da guy dat stole da chicken". Turnabout being fair play, his team tossed his ass during tribal council. (Note: How come no two spellings of the names voted off were the same? ie, Sundra, Sondra, Seiko, Seku, Oh Say Can You See)
On a personal note, I called my bookie to find out the spread on the Honky victory, but got no response. And I've heard that the winner will challenge the lesbian Eskimos ("Klon-dykee") next season.
I'll keep you updated as the stupidity continues. In the meantime, we at the Hairy Carrot Institute will try to figure out why the tribes keep getting names that sound like vaginal infections.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Revenge Is Best Served In Salt Water

Steve Irwin died last week from a stingray barb in the heart. Tragic. What's worse is that at least 10 stingrays have been found killed since his death. Irwin's own animal conservation group has publicly asked people to stop murdering the rays, who probably didn't know what a big celebrity he was.
Didn't Al Qaeda blow up a bunch of Australians in Bali or someplace a couple of years ago? Did the Aussies take the shrimp off the barbie and start killing Muslims, innocent or not? I don't think so. So why start killing wildllife because the Crocodile hunter got his ticker pierced?
Actually, stingrays could be considered "mild-life", because they rarely attack anyone unless frightened, kind of like the nerdy kid in school that got verbally harassed and snaps. Columbine was all about geeks getting pushed around by the "cool" kids.
And this is why I've always said you shouldn't fuck with anyone unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it. That little guy sitting in the corner and picking his nose could probably beat your sorry ass in half a minute, but you're talking shit to your friends about how you could take him down anyway. Then you find out the hard way he's a black belt in karate or he's mental.
Wildlife is called so for a reason. Animals don't use reason or logic. If they feel threatened, they defend themselves. Even my stupid cat, whom I feed and pet, attack my legs when he gets that crazy look in his eye. (Of course, cutting off his nuts probably pissed him off some too.)
Animals don't sweat the consequences of their actions. They don't think that some dick is going to come looking for them. And the stupid Australians need to know that. And that the stingray "godfather" has put a bounty on their heads.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

An Open Letter To The Terrorists

Alright, assholes, you got us with our pants down. We admit it. We weren't looking and you sucker punched us square in the nuts. But let's look at the things now.

Did you know that your boys flying the planes went to a titty bar the night before the attacks? Were they trying to find the 72 virgins? And I understand they ran up quite a bar tab and charged it to the Al Quaeda credit card. Do you guys have a corporate Visa or Amex? Did your holy clerics that ordered the attacks get upset these guys were getting drunk and bonered up their last night on earth, instead of reciting prayers and fasting?

Now you want us to convert to Islam. It ain't gonna happen, pal. You obviously haven't ever dealt with the likes of Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell or Robert "Fartin' Bob" Tilton. They aren't quite right in the head, but they aren't going to jump ship either. From what I understand, Robertson could drink us all under the table and then kick the president of Venezuela in the ass, all in the name of the Lord.

We're not changing our society to yours either. Frankly, we went through the dark ages once before, and it was highlighted by the bubonic plague. Also, since we've progressed to the point where we have sewage and you're still shitting in a cave, I think we have the initiative to fight back on that one as well.

And while I'm thinking about, we really like our porn. Which brings me back to the 72 virgins. I've had a virgin or two in my time, and for the most part, it was kind of lame. The upside is that they don't have anything to compare you to, so you can give a shitty performance (or be a quick nut) and they don't know the difference. Plus, you don't have to worry about diseases. However, they rarely suck the dick and want to "experiment", if you know what I mean. I like an aggressive woman, who'll put my balls in her mouth and scream "Make me come!". In a recent Hairy Carrot survey of 72 virgins, zero said they'd do that. So, if you're into virgins, enjoy, but we don't have any, so leave us alone, Quick Nut.

You say you want to take back your lands, all the way to Spain? What the fuck are you thinking of? When did you have Spain? I seriously doubt you had your hand in the Ottoman Empire. Even they didn't shit in caves.

Personally, I think Bush has been too nice to you. On September 12, 2001 (when we were gettng condolences from around the world and every country was eating out of our hands), I would've gotten on the phone with China and Russia and said, "Hey boys, let's use our atomic weapons for some target practice." Afghanistan would be a parking garage when I was finished. And this would have been a great time to use some of our other weapons, like the neutron bomb, which is considered "clean" because it just kills living things and leaves building intact. No muss, no fuss.

And this is why the American public is getting a little pissy with Bush right now. He's taken his eye off the main objective when he could've gotten rid of you dumbfucks years ago. You're like a gnat that keeps flying around my face when I'm cutting my lawn. (Sorry, I forgot you don't know what the hell a lawn is.) Anyway, I'd get some bug spray and kill all of the insects out in the yard. I'll see if maybe we can do the same for you.

Regards,
Hairy Carrot

PS. I fucked your mom last night.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Katie Couric Is Just Sooo Cute!

Tonight was the big debut of the "CBS Evening News, Starring Katie Couric." Okay, I don't know if "starring" is in the actual title, but it really doesn't matter. I watched, just to see if it was really news or if she was going to make it really gay, like "The View".
Did you know Couric made television history by being the first (and hottest) widow to be a network news anchor? Who knew she had it in her?
She led off with a story about the Taliban. It was interesting, but honestly, the only reason I'm watching the CBS Evening News is because of war fatigue. How ironic!
Personally, I think she should've added some subliminal porn footage in between stories on Iraq, the economy and editorials. That's right, I said "editorials"!! Just as the public outcry for Evander Holyfield comebacks filled the air in the 1990's (according to Holyfield, himself), so are the people begging for editorials. And Katie is so desperate, she's even asked Rush Limbaugh to do one.
According to the Rush-man, she met his conditions to appear on the show. One of them was a $500 gift certificate to Ryan's Steakhouse, so fatass could put a dent in the mega-bar. The other condition was that there would be no debating, refuting or equal time for opposing opinions. Sounds like his boring-ass radio show to me, but now you have to physically turn away from that mug of his. Thankfully, this will be a one-time gig.
My personal advice for Katie is this: When you're sitting there, reading the news, unbutton your blouse every 10 minutes or so, making comments like, "it sure is getting warm in here with all this hot news". You keep a lot of loyal viewers that way. Between that and the subliminal porn, you'll do great.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Katherine Harris Shunned

We all remember the 2000 election that took over a month to resolve, and only after the intervention of the Supreme Court. The most memorable of all the idiots in that whole process was Katherine Harris, who was Florida's Secretary of State at the time and also a Bush supporter. Since then, she has been elected to the House of Representatives and is now running for the U.S. Senate.
Suffering from a bad case of "foot in mouth" disease, the dumb bitch spoke to the Florida Baptists Witness (whatever that is) and said that the separation of church and state is "a lie we have been told".
The crazy wench went on to say that "God is the one who chooses our rulers". This was also the belief during the middle ages, along with the feudal system and putting leaches on the ill.
Indicative of diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain, she went to say "if you're not electing Christians, then in essence you are going to legislate sin". What the fuck? Does that mean that if you elect a Jew, you're for kiddy porn?
Needless to say, most people, including those of her own party are distancing themselves from her. Her reply to all this is that she was speaking to a specific group and thus, tailored a speech just for them.
Hey, dumb fuck, just use the same stump speech for every group you visit. That way you won't be offensive and be an unattractive bitch that looks like you just ate a turd.

Monday, August 28, 2006

The King Of All BS'ers

This John Mark Karr dude has got a set made of titanium. Shit, he was about to get pinched in Thailand and what does he do? He sets his own ass up as being there when little Jon Benet got killed. And what did he win? A free trip home, and more importantly, out of Thailand! Let me put it this way. Those towel heads were naked and stacked up and doing their impression of a pile of shit in Abu Gharib are still glad they weren't doing time in a Thai prison.
Karr was kicking around looking for a teaching job in Thailand. He insisted on working with little girls, even going so far as sending some of his kiddy porn collection as part of his resume. (I'm telling you, he's got balls.) But when his funds got low, he wanted to come back to America. And given the pussy-fied nature of our penal system, he's counting on getting out of jail and walking his perverted ass down the streets of your hometown, looking for fresh meat. Instead, he should be put down, like a half-blind rabid dog that insists on humping your leg. Show me 5, shit, make it 3, rehabilitated child molesters, and I'll show you 3 of the best liars you ever met. You see, they can't be rehabilitated. Once that shit gets into your system, you're stuck with that like a crack monkey on the back of a chicken-head whore.
So, here we are. Mr. Karr got a free ride home because his DNA didn't match, the press is looking even more idiotic than we originally thought, and he's going to do some misdemeanor time before he starts his bottom feeding at your kid's daycare. You sensitive bitches brought this shit on yourselves.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Horrifying Beating Of A Dead Horse

Did you know that the guy who claims to have been in the room when Jon Benet Ramsey died is in custody?
Apparently, this just isn't good enough for the media. John Mark Karr actually held a press conference to admit his involvement. This isn't good enough for the press though. They seem to feel that we need to know more.
So far, we've heard that he is a pedophile. But the boys at CNN, Fox, MSNBC, et al think we need even more information. These assholes have told us everything about Karr, including shit no one cares about. For instance, he writes poetry to dead little girls, he married a little girl and the kicker, he was obsessed with little girls. You made your fucking point, Anderson Cooper. He's a creepy fucker, probably the king of all creepy fuckers. But until someone gets a DNA sample, we can move on to other things, like Iraqis blowing up shit and Iranians wanting to nuke us. Anything but Jon Benet or John Mark Karr. Please. I'd even listen to the stock report. Hey, Rita Cosby, look over there - it's a hurricane you can talk about in that raspy, but not sexy, voice of yours. I'm so tired of hearing about this shit, I kind of wish he'd strangle and rape (in that order) your sorry investigative asses.
Remember the summer of 2001, when you all discussed Chandra Levy to no fucking end? The sad part is that the only thing that ended that misery was the attacks of 9/11. Seriously, it took a bunch of hijacked planes to end what you called news and I called "bullshit speculation".
So I'm pleading, begging. Move on. Find something that actually affects my life. Find another pedophile. That dude on Dateline can catch all kinds of perverts for you.
Speaking of perverts and pedophiles, a girl who was abducted in Austria 8 years ago recently escaped her captor. This dickhead had the girl locked in a basement with a sink, toilet and books. Once Mr. Trenchcoat realized his life of little girl molestation was going to be exposed, he threw himself under a train. That would've been a cool thing to see on YouTube.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Rally For Polygamy

This has got to be one of the weirdest things I've seen on the news in a while. A bunch of teenage children of polygamists spoke at a rally in Utah. Attended by a crowd of about 250 supporters, the teenagers gave only their first names to protect their law breaking parents.

After the success of the rally, the following events have been scheduled around the country.
Concert For Pedophilia, Bangkok, Thailand
Support Your Local Drunk Driver Fundraiser, Washington, DC
Terrorists Anti-Defamation League Bowling Tournament, Lansing, Michigan
Christians For Embezzling, Houston, TX
Republican National Convention, Check Local Listings

Friday, August 18, 2006

What A Dick!!

Spc. Joe Darby has become the poster child of whistleblowers. In case you aren't familiar with this dude, he was stationed in Iraq a couple of years ago at Abu Ghraib after a shooting had taken place. He asked Spec. Charles Graner for photos of the site where the shooting took place, but Graner, not much of a "labeler", gave Darby two CD's of the wrong pics. When he looked at what he got, Darby supposedly thought it over for a while and turned over the now infamous photos of prisoners being abused and put in compromising situations. Graner felt a brief moment of relief when he realized he hadn't given Darby the photos of his sexual liason with that manly chick he eventually knocked up.
The Army, not necessarily distinguished when it comes to keeping promises (ask anyone who has enlisted in the last 30 years), assured Darby that his identity would be kept secret. Obviously, it didn't take a lot of smarts to know that once the shit hit the fan, Darby and his family would be ostracized by his fellow soldiers.
A few months go by and the pictures cause quite an outcry from the media, the left, the right, Dubya Bush, and whoever else was on their high horse that day. Even the military pretended to be ashamed of it.
The kicker came as Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld testified to a congressional committee. The dickweed publicly thanked Joe Darby for his courageous act of ratting out his fellow soldiers. In essence he ratted out the rat. Then, in an act of real turdness, gave a half-hearted Urkel "did I do that?" for his faux pas. Are we to assume that Rummy wasn't told that the guy didn't want his name revealed? If you believe that, then you aren't very smart.
I know that people are upset at Darby. Some support him. Either way, you have to agree that Rumsfeld was a real prick. Just like the bitch he is, he couldn't wait to spill the beans on the guy that ruined his fun. And blabbing the informant's name has resulting in Darby being put in the Army's version of the witness protection program at this point. His wife has to wear "Groucho glasses" so she won't be recognized at the PX. So let's put the shoe on the other foot.
I'm calling on all of you out there who have some dirt on Donald Rumsfeld to come forth and share with us. If you're the hooker that blew him in an elevator, let us know. If he screwed you out of job so that his nephew could get it, tell us about it. Let's face it, the guy is a dick.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Viral Videos

First off, viral videos are not sexually tranmitted porn. Even so, I've got to admit I like watching people do dumb shit. Whether it's a choreographed dance routine on treadmills or a woman freaking out on kids in the back of a truck, it's funny. If you're not familiar with viral videos, check out You Tube, Break or Ebaum's World.
Imagine "America's Funniest Videos" without the wacky sound effects and a lot more interesting. There are vids of teenagers beating the shit out of each other, crazy people yelling at the camera, stunts, clips of Japanese hidden camera shows, etc. Those guys who figured out that Mentos and Diet Coke are a great combination got popular when their clips started going around on the Viral Video Circuit. (By the way, at what point did these tools stop jerking off long enough to think of ways to using sodas to simulate ejaculation?)
These clips are great conversation fodder, but then there's always that jackass who will say, "Dude, that's shit is old! I saw the guy eating a turd like four months ago!" Translated to english, he's saying, "I'm a tool that surfs the net all day long!"
So, to you who love videos of people doing dangerous stuff like practicing unsafe sex, I encourage you to get out your cameras so the rest of us can share the fun. We'll be watching.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Terrorists Make Me Work Harder

The dipshits that were caught this week planning to blow up planes from London to the U.S. make me mad. I had just filled up my woman's bottle full of my special "all natural" cream rinse, and now the T.S.A. weenies took it from her. Does anyone realize how long it took to fill that container for a trip to England? Somewhere in Heathrow airport is a trashcan with my "man-seed" in it. How crazy is that?
Next time, she'll just have to keep it in her mouth until she gets past security. That's the only way we'll defeat these terrorists.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Paris Takes The Pressure Off Of Me To Put Out

Okay, fellas, here's the big news. Paris Hilton, that sweet young hotel heiress, has announced to the world, via press conference, that her snatch is off limits for the next year. Adding insult to injury, she says she's only going to be kissing boys during the twelve month period. That means no hummers, handjobs or mutual masturbation (whatever the hell that is). You can count on the "dirty sanchez" being out of the question as well.
Paris, the little minx, has claimed that she has only bumped uglies with two guys in her life. If this is true, her luck must suck ass, because one of the dudes videotaped them and it ended up being one of the most popular sex flicks on the web. I have to admit, she did give quite a "skull-job" on that shitty tape, but the production values were horrible. Perhaps Paris needs to get boned by Tarantino, Scorsese or Coppola next time,to truly show off her sucking abilities. I suggest a soft lens with better lighting.
This all brings me to the most obvious question of the 21st century. What was going through her pea-brain when she announced her celibacy in the first place? You know, she could've gone through the next year just giving blue balls without making a point of letting everyone know that was her plan. She could've just gone out with some guy and said, "I'm not in the mood" or "Sorry, I'm on the rag." I've heard it all before. Don't worry, Paris, I'm not going to date rape you.
But no, you couldn't settle for that. So now, every guy that's seen with her will either acknowledge that he's whacking it when he gets home, or he'll act as if he's going to be the first guy to hit it since her celibacy announcement. What guy in his right mind is going to be seen with this chick? Lance Bass, that's who.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Mel Gibson Is A Terrorist Lover

Piling on. It's what we love to do. You get some idiot, raise him or her to stratospheric levels, then knock them down first chance you get. Next, the press and public pile on and give sweeping "what were you thinking?" diatribes.
When you consider that our newest victim of this sick game is Mel Gibson, star of such classics as "What Women Want", "The Chili Con Carne Club", and of course, "Hamlet", well, it's just lovely.
It's old news at this point, but to recap, Mel got drunk and decided to drive home. When he got pulled by the cops, he went into the old Gibson rant about how horrible the Jews are.
There are obvious problems here. First of all, what drunk get pulled and goes on an anti-Semitic rant? I'd be mustering up all of my "Hairy Carrot Powers" to convince the officer that I'm sober, not questioning his ethnicity.
Secondly, Mel's been accused of not liking Jews in the past, but he used his charms to convince us that it just wasn't true. I admit, I even fell for his wily ways and dreamy good looks (not).
Third, he's genetically predisposed. You see, his daddy, Hutton Gibson, is a loony Jew hater too. Mel came to Papa Hutton's defense in a Barbara Walters interview during the promotion of "The Passion of the Christ". When asked about his father's views, Mel said, "Don't go there, Barbara." Being the hard-hitting journalist that she is, Babs gave in like a crackwhore at an adult bookstore.
Hutton doesn't even think that Islamic terrorists were responsible for 9/11. Hmm, he defends terrorists and hates Jews. You know, the fruit probably doesn't fall far from the tree. Shit, I used to believe a lot of my dad's bullshit, like the time he said he'd spend some quality time with me. But I'm not scarred, honest!!!
Mel, dry out, go to rehab, start the Hutton Gibson Home for Aged Jews, or whatever. Just don't try to bullshit us with those dreamy blue eyes. We won't fall for it again.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Scarlett Johansson Ain't No Diva!!

How does this world continue to spin on its axis when people are throwing out ridiculous accusations? I mean, damn, we can put up with attitudes and all, but really, making poor Scarlett Johansson a target is something I can't put up with.
Seems she pissed off Andrew Lloyd Webber, who brought us "Cats" and "The Phantom of the Opera". Mr. Webber has been working on a big-budget revival of "The Sound of Music" and Scarlett, 21, was going to play the lead, Maria Von Trapp. According to Andy L. Webber, "her demands were so ridiculous".
Okay, I'll take the blame for this one, but it's not completely my fault. You see, Scarlett has been stalking me for about a year. She calls my home and says nothing. Just little whimpers and crying. I'll say, "Scarlett Johansson, I know it's you!" and then she hangs up, confused, yet elated that I even acknowledged her. I started feeling bad for her. So one night, I saw her in the bushes outside my house (she's there a lot) and offered her some advice on "The Sound of Music", including how shitty it would be without lots of frontal nudity. I also mentioned that she should demand the story be brought into the present and more realistic. If a 21 year old woman was going to be the mother of a litter of singing kids, she should portray her as a crystal meth freak with a liver disorder, preferably hepatitis C. All of this was suggested with my tongue firmly in cheek.
Dumb Scarlett missed the joke and went straight to Webber saying that this is what she wanted. Andy, not missing a beat, immediately provided her with a printed copy of Jim Carroll's classic, "The Basketball Diaries". How he knew she was a certified speed reader I'll never know, but she finished the book in about 18 minutes. He next sat with her as they watched the bastardized, updated movie version, which was a turd on so many levels. (Where was the crazy lady in her underwear performing Mass over her kitchen sink, while screaming obscenities?)
Andy put his arm around Scarlett as she stared at the floor of the screening room and said, "You've been hanging around Hairy Carrot again, haven't you?" Stupid bitch fessed up.
So, I've killed two birds with one big rock. I got Scarlett out of my hedge, and I've spared us the tragedy of singing Von Trapps, at least for the next 6-8 weeks. Thank me later.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

SOB

Before I get started, I want to send out regards and thanks to Typhonius, who contributed greatly to our discussion of women's masturbation. Tally ho, good man!

This past weekend I visited the Mecca of I-95, South of the Border. Located about 20 ft south of the North Carolina/South Carolina border is this lovely haven. Anyone who has traveled I-95 is familiar with the cheesy signs with bad puns, like "bedrock weather forecast, chili today, hot tamale." It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it? In a recent newspaper article, the operators of SOB, as it is called (and I don't feel like typing that long shit everything), said they have changed some of the signs on the interstate to make them more politically correct. No more "joust" and shit like that. Some whine shit complained that it might offend somebody who isn't supposed to be here in the first place. Typical. And you know that this same whiny ass was once 8 years old, sitting in the backseat of dad's Caprice and laughing their ass off reading those signs on vacation.
SOB is a landmark of sorts, a tribute to tackiness. It's a small complex of shops, restaurants, a motel ("Pedro has waterbeds" was on a sign behind the counter), arcades, rides, and of course, fireworks shops. This place was a theme park before there was such an animal.
As you would expect, it's gone downhill a bit over the years. The staff looked suicidal, the floors dirty, and the clientele seemed a little skankier than usual. For example, I pulled into the parking lot to find about 8-10 of my funky soul brothers, standing outside the Africa Shop (insert your own joke here), lighting fireworks they had purchased a few minutes earlier. These guys were about 4 feet from somebody's car, lighting explosives with glee. You'd think they never saw a bottle rocket before!
On the whole, I came away from it thinking that SOB is more of a punchline to a bad joke, but's it's also like a train wreck. You don't want to look, but you just can't help it.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Euphemisms - Help Us Out!

Here at the Hairy Carrot Institute, we've discovered that we're lacking in one area of expertise. Currently, we have tons of euphemisms for male masturbation. For example, flogging the log, choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, etc.
However, when it comes to female masturbation, the list is limited to "polishing the doughnut" and "rocking the little man in the boat". Let's face it, women don't jerk off, they rub off.
So, in the interest of higher learning and bringing the entire Hairy Carrot community together, we're are requesting your submissions. We can't afford prizes (shit, we can't afford a decent website), but we would all appreciate anything that doesn't mention doughnuts.
Pass this request on to any and all who could contribute to our cause. Use the comments section so all can share your knowledge.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Aunt Mary's In Our Midst

Have you ever heard of gay conservatives? Seriously, I didn't make it up. They even have their own group, the Log Cabin Republicans, named after Abe Lincoln's childhood home. Lincoln was the first Republican president, but I don't think he was gay.
Anyway, the Log Cabin, as they call themselves, is comprised of gay, lesbian and bi-sexual conservatives, who support most of the GOP agenda, with the obvious exception to all the non-gay stuff. You see, most conservatives don't support, much less care for, gay rights, such as marriage. Of course, the Republicans are more than happy to get votes from the Log Cabin members.
Gay and lesbians are all about getting married and shit. Why? I don't know. You'd think they'd be happy to have a way out of that nightmare. "Sorry, Bill, I can't marry you because the law says I can't." "Oh well, my loss," followed by snickers and chuckles. The American Bar Association should be positioning itself as pro-gay marriage, because they could make a mint on gay divorce cases, or even gay pre-nups.
Most gays and lesbians feel betrayed by the Log Cabin and even call them "Aunt Mary's", which I learned is the gay equivalent of Uncle Tom. The name game can get very confusing, as in, "Bill, I wouldn't go down on Jim because he's an Aunt Mary." See what I mean?
I personally don't have a problem with gay marriage, as long as both chicks are hot (okay, that one was cheap and easy). And there are too many other things to worry about, like war, gas prices, stock market woes, etc. But why does this bunch of gays support people that don't support them? It's like Neo-Nazi Jews. So I call on all Log Cabin Republicans to merge with the Fudge Packer Democrats or the Carpet Munching Libertarians or the Pole Smoking Green Party. One of these groups has to be a better political ally.
I truly suspect that there are some Republicans that are deep in the closet. For instance, if anyone has a man-crush on George W., it's got to be Rush Limbaugh. You know Rush thinks about George all the time, like when he's eating or doctor shopping or doing Daryn Kagan doggy style. What grown man defends every action of another grown man so much as to broadcast it everyday? I've mentioned it before, but George could get drunk and rape a bunch of nuns in public and Rush would blame it on the liberal media. Go ahead Rush, kiss him on the mouth. You know you want to.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Crack For Crack

Felix Cocco, 80, of Pittsburgh, pleaded guilty to drug charges, which included selling crack out of his house. Mr. Cocco's lawyer said he also traded crack to prostitutes in exchange for sex. His two goals were to a) pay his bills and b) stay sexually active.
Damn, those just happen to be the goals of everyone else in this country! I mean, shit dude, who doesn't want to keep the car from being repoed and get a little at the same time? And the fact that old Felix managed to combine the two means he deserves a pat on the back. I can't imagine how much money the government could save if this were all legal. There may actually be something in the Social Security funds when I retire and get horny.
And let's not forget the contributions of everyone's friend, the crack whore. Sure, she may be diseased, but does Felix give a crap if he gets herpes or HIV? Doubtful. Hell, the old guy is more concerned about a broken hip or his dentures. Cathy Crackwhore was just being a giving, loving person, tending to the needs of a elderly, horny widower. We should all rally around crack whores who are friends of the downtrodden and desperate, like Felix.
To Congress, I think I speak for all when I say, legalize prostitution and help our seniors. One day, you could be in the same situation as Felix.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Best Breakfast In Town

Recently, several people have asked me where to find a good breakfast. I tell them that the best breakfast is one you don't pay for.
Down the road from my place is a large hotel. From 6am to 10am, seven days a week, they prepare one of the finest breakfasts you'll ever have. Eggs, sausage, toast, bagels, fruit, cereal, coffee, orange juice and biscuits.
What's the cost of this spread? Not a damn thing! Sa-weet!
Okay, I know it's not what the hotel had in mind. The guests, who pay for the rooms, are also paying for the breakfast. That's fine. Now let's get back to reality.
The breakfast is built in as a cost. It's paid for if 50 people eat or only 2, and let's not forget, most food is perishable. Fruit does a funny thing when it's stored in a fridge for a few days.
The truth of the matter is that most people check in to a hotel in the early evening and an entirely different shift of employees comes to work in the morning. They don't know who has checked in, and frankly, they don't care. Do you really think the housekeeper gives a rat's ass if someone is mooching corn flakes? Me neither. As a matter of fact, the disgruntled staff sometimes encourages you to eat their breakfast. It's their way of "getting back at the man". Hell, I've seen some "regulars" a few times, and Shananay gives them a big smile. She's cool with that.
Here are some tips for a free breakfast:
1. Go in your pajamas, like you just crawled out of bed.
2. Park in the back of the establishment. Real guests don't go by the front desk.
3. Act like you're supposed to be there. Suspicious or guilty looks won't get you too far in life, especially in this environment.
4. Grab a paper to read.
5. If approached by a manager, make a comment about the lack of handicapped parking.
Living in a tourist/resort area makes a lot of hotels' continental breakfast accessible to everyone. So next time you're in town, let me know and I'll tell you where you can get the best "make your own" Belgian waffles.

Friday, July 07, 2006

The Millionaire Dick Next Door

If you're a fan of "Survivor", then you are probably already aware of the recent incident involving Brian Heidick, the winner of "Survivor: Thailand". The former soft-core porn actor and used car salesman, shot a puppy with an arrow recently because he thought it was a coyote harassing his pets. He was about to go for a second puppy when his wife, Charmaine, called the cops. The dumbass saw the cops, fled the scene and was quickly caught and returned to his home.
Douglas County Chief Deputy Stan Copeland said that was when he saw evidence in the home to support a charge of family violence. No word was given as to what the evidence was, but maybe there was an arrow in Charmaine's ass.
When you win a million bucks, it helps you become an asshole even quicker. The money also can buy better recreational drugs, like those that make puppies look like coyotes. I'll stick with my Beam and Coke and whatever else I can mooch off of my friends.
In a related story, North Korea's Kim Jong Ill fired several missiles on Tuesday, claiming his people were starving and "we heard there were some puppies we could nuke up. You call them Dachsund, we call them 'appetizer'."
Perhaps Brian Heidick and Kim should get together for a cookout. Heidick could get stoned, think Kim's a rabid bunny, and shoot an arrow into Kim. Of course, we'll need to tape the whole thing for YouTube.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Independence Day

Two big news stories took over the press today. Lil' Kim's release from prison, where she served nearly 10 months for lying to a grand jury. She had said to the cops that she didn't see her friends at the scene of a shootout in New York. Unfortunately for the liar, she was caught on video and some witnesses dimed her, too.
Since when did lying to a grand jury become such a big deal? Let's see....oh yeah!! Bill Clinton got nailed on that one for the presidential hummer he denied. Pretty sad day when you have to lie about getting your knob polished. And then there's this Scooter Libby guy who is about to get pinched for helping expose a spy.
The joke possibilities are endless when you consider blowing someone's cover and blowing Bill's - never mind!
Anyway, I hope she is completely rehabilitated and remembers the old adage, "If you lie with the dogs, you'll get up with the fleas." I'm sure she's made new friends in the last 10 months who will keep her out of trouble.
The other big story had to do with cracks being discovered in the space shuttle. At first glance, I thought the article was that crack was found. I immediately implicated Lil' Kim and wondered how she got to Florida so fast. But after watching hours of CNN, Lil' Kim was nowhere to be found on the launch pad.
Surely, someone can fix the shuttle. Isn't there a Mr. Goodwrench in Florida somewhere?

Friday, June 30, 2006

Conservatism Vs. Erectile Dysfunction

Daryn Kagan, CNN's piece o' ass hottie newswoman, has, for some unknown reason, been dating Rush Limbaugh. This is interesting when you consider that he doesn't have enough lead in the pencil, if you know what I mean. You see, Mr. Conservative was detained last week for having viagra that was prescribed to his physician, who said he wrote the prescription in his name to avoid embarrassment for Mr. Limbaugh. Obviously, this plan didn't work, and now the whole world knows the frustration Ms. Kagan has endured.
Daryn, honey, if you need some lovin', come see the Hairy Carrot!
But Rush, with one talent that God evidently didn't loan him, has the same problem as fellow Republican, Bob Dole, and we suspect, other "members" of the GOP. Perhaps this is all the side effects of oxycontin, like temporary deafness. I bet Rush could get it up for the focus of his man-crush, George W. Bush. His adulation for the President borders on gay-ness, if that actually is a word.
"Daryn, I ran out of my blue pills. Could you put on the "W" mask and talk to me about family values until I can get Little Rush to stand at attention."
In a related story, a judge in Oklahoma (the center of liberalism) could get 4 years in prison for pulling his pecker out in the courtroom and using his penis pump, during trials. Former court reporter Lisa Foster said she witnessed Judge Donald D. Thompson expose himself at least 15 times in court. She even described the "sh-sh" sound she heard while listening to the testimony of the grandfather of a murdered toddler.
The Hairy Carrot received transcripts from another trial the judge was presiding over and we wanted to let you in on the fun.
Defense attorney: "Mr. Johnson, did you see the accused kill the victim."
Prosecutor: "Objection!"
Judge: "Huh? Er, on what grounds? Sh-sh-sh..."
Dude, get some batteries or a muffler for that thing!

Monday, June 26, 2006

My, What An Offensive Shirt You Have, Grandma!

A store in Warren, OH, decided to stop selling t-shirts due to protests from locals. A whopping crowd of 30 bitched and moaned until Rose Beauty and J-Fashions removed the shirts, which had pictures of the Pillsbury "Dope" Boy (who wasn't "baked").
Gail Salter, a self-described "concerned parent" said the shirts encouraged kids to use drugs. After the rally, she went directly to the local hospital to have a gigantic bug removed from her rectum. Physicians also found what they described as "a big stick, nearly a 2 x 4", which they also tried, unsuccessfully, to remove. "We just couldn't get it. What a tightass!!" said Dr. Howie Feltersnatch.
Pillsbury had no comment on the incident, but one executive said off the record that the company thought the combination of the Dough Boy and marijuana was a natural "tie-in" for their products. "Let's face it, stoners love cake mixes. Some even put them in the oven."
As a sidenote, "Honky" shirts are available at www.hairycarrot.com.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Liberal Bee Jays

Desperately trying to find a topic, the intrepid Hairy Carrot news teams stumbled upon this gem from the June 22, 2006 edition Southwest Daily Times, in Liberal, Kansas. The story had to do with a screwy minor league baseball game between the Liberal Bee Jays and the Derby Twins. The gist of the article was that it took 31/2 hours to play less than 5 innings, due to delays. The delays included a coach being ejected, lightening, rain, and a 35-degree drop in the temperature. Since when did a drop in temperature delay a game? Anyway, the Twins, frustrated at the delays and the officials' lack of decision making skills, had enough, packed their gear and left. The umpires called the games (evidently it was a double-header) a forfeit.
The most interesting part of this article was the name of the team. It just doesn't get any better than that. Remember, Kansas is a pretty conservative place. This only makes it better when you imagine girls with t-shirts proclaiming, "I (heart) Bee Jays!". If the team goes undefeated, their slogan could be "You Can't Beat A Bee Jay!"
The big leagues should look into these kinds of names as well. The Houston Hummers could play the Texas Titties or the Cleveland Cunning Linguists on "Dental Dam" night.
We realize that we're about 50 years to late to savor the endless possibilities of Liberal Bee Jays team slogans and logos. Why didn't we hear about this earlier? At this point, it doesn't matter, just enjoy. If you have any ideas for team promotions, let us know in our comment section.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Git-R-Done

If you grew up in the 1970's, you'll remember a television show called "Hee Haw". The show was full of dumb humor, one-liners, and my favorite, country music. It played to, what the politically correct call, "the salt of the earth" audience. Everyone else called them rednecks, but it in a way that even the rednecks weren't offended. Nowadays, we have something called Redneck Humor, nurtured by a guy whose catchphrase is "You might be a redneck if..." One example that is always left out is, "If you fuck your sister, then you might be a redneck." Perhaps that one is just too obvious.
Spawned from the hell of redneck comedy is a guy who goes by the moniker of Larry the Cable Guy. This guy is about 30 years too late for Hee Haw, and from the looks of him, you'd think there was absolutely no such thing as evolution.
He's got two catchphrases of his own. One is his "I don't care who you are, that's funny!" That one is for jokes that really aren't funny (a vast majority), but it's his lame way to encourage the audience to laugh at them anyway.
The other, more disturbing line is "Git-R-Done". Now, this one is pretty fucking prolific. I've heard some hot women say it and I've also seen it on the back of pickup trucks (go figure). Usually I look for lines from Shakespeare on the back of trucks, so you can empathize with my dismay.
The weird thing, I don't think anyone knows what the hell "git-r-done" is supposed to mean, but Larry and his fans repeat it like a mantra.
"I'm going to the beer store."
"Git-r-done."
"I banged some chick with an STD."
"Git-r-done."
It's as stupid as the mullet that Larry had in the 1980's when he performed under his real name, Dan Whitney. There's video of him all over the web doing his act, wearing khakis and acting less like a redneck and more like a yuppie wannabe. Git-r-done.
Idiots will just about say any peabrained shit that pops into their head. And when that dumb shit becomes popular, that's when you start hearing little girls playing Barbie and Ken says "git-r-done".
The Hairy Carrot has been thinking about it and has come up with his own catchphrase. "Eat some pussy!" defines the ideals I live for.
Larry and Hairy have several things in common. We both work under fake names (my momma didn't name this honky Hairy Carrot), we both had bad hair in the 80's, and now, we both have catchphrases that leave no room for doubt who we are and where we're coming from.
There are some differences, though. For instance, I'm really from the south, but he's from Nebraska. I quit telling fart jokes in fourth grade, yet Larry still serves them up like the professional he is. You get the point.
Just to recap, the Hairy Carrot nation needs to step up to the plate. Repeat after me - "Eat some pussy!"

Friday, June 16, 2006

Amazing News Items Are Usually Related

This has been a big week for news. Darryl Hannah, mostly famous for "Splash", was physically removed from a tree in California. She was protesting because a landowner wanted his property back from the neighbors, who have taken it upon themselves to grow a vegetable garden on it. Damn capitalism!! Anyway, the news channels got downright giddy showing Darryl Hannah getting pulled out of a tree, and of course, she came off looking like crazy bitch.
Unfortunately for J.J. Redick, she was supposed to be his designated driver. J.J. gets a few drinks in him and where is his ride? Up a fucking tree!! Sweet. Next time, call a cab, J.J.
Which brings me to the crime wave of current/former Duke athletes. Fact is, you have to be really smart to get into Duke, but I guess common sense isn't a factor on the SAT's. Next time you want to hire strippers for a party, upgrade to some classy white chicks that don't already have kids. It's amazing what an extra $50 will do sometimes. Strippers with stretchmarks aren't my cup of tea. Unlike government contracts, a stripper shouldn't be hired because she's the lowest bidder.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Terrorists Vs. Our Gang(s)

Crime has increased for the first time in a long time and the official government line attributes the jump to gang related activities. Gangs have started to move to the Midwest because there are plenty of white kids that aren't into crystal meth and crack yet, so they have an untapped market. Either as a member or a customer, these youths are sucked into this shit.
But the main thing gangs are good at is scaring people off of their turf, or terrorizing them. Just like in the movies, little old ladies can't walk down the street without fear of getting robbed or beaten or worse. Hell, I'm more afraid of a crackhead with a shiv getting to me more than I'm worried about Al Qaida.
The tactics of gangs and terrorists are obviously similar. They both use fear as their main weapon, as well as violence, and turf warfare. Also, they both generate an income stream through illegal drug sales.
Which brings us to another point. Why doesn't our congress grow a pair and officially declare gangs as "Domestic Terrorists". Sure, it's a cheap excuse for a solution, but it would work better than whatever we're doing now. Instead of only the FBI watching the gangs, Homeland Security could also get in on the act. Military tribunals and keeping "detainees" in Guantanamo would also be part of the package.
But a better solution is out there as well. After their name/status is changed by government, we can cut them a deal. Offer them a new turf, a new market for their crack and meth - IRAQ!!
But they can have it under one condition - if they kick the terrorists and insurgents out of the country. Talk about a brilliant idea. The thugs leave here, go there, and fight a war for a country that, at this point, has nowhere to go but up.
I'm not bragging on the gangs, but you know that the smallest crip could kick Osama's ass. Word!

Friday, June 09, 2006

Rush Limbaugh's Evil Plan

Did you know that every President since Nixon has won the "south". In other words, if you don't make it below the Mason-Dixon line, you won't make it to Washington, DC. Clinton won the south, because he was from the south and knew the sensibilities of southerners. Gore lost the south, even though he was from Tennessee, but lived there a total of two weeks during his lifetime. John Kerry lost by virtue of the fact that he was from Massachusetts and southerners don't give a crap about New Englanders for the most part. Democrats, for the most part, just don't seem to see this pattern, thus making them rubes for 2008.
Rush Limbaugh, the spokesguy for the Republican party, has figured this all out and has come up with a devious plan to make sure he keeps his buddies in power, as well as keeping from paying his "rich guy" taxes. His is the kind of plan that seems to play on the wishes of stupid people, and the liberal left fits the bill to a tee.
The scheme is nothing more than this: Play up fears of a Hillary Clinton candidacy. "Ooh, we don't won't her to get the nomination, because she could win and we'll be in soooo much trouble with another President Clinton." Boy, that would be scary.
Did you know that a lot of liberals stupidly listen to Limbaugh's show? It's true. They think they're listening in on the enemy's inside information, and old Rush, not being stupid as much as annoying, has decided to play them like a cheap piano. It's called misinformation, you freaking retards - learn about it!!
So, the left hears Rush's "fears" of Hillary and figure they're onto something. Only thing is they are so out of touch with reality (nominating Kerry), they think the gal can win the south. Herein lies the problem.
You see, the Hairy Carrot was born and raised in the south and I like to think I have my stinky finger on the pulse of the place. Truth be known, most southerners wouldn't hit a bull in the ass with Hillary Clinton. That's the bottom line. They liked Bill, but his wife is another story altogether. The political speak for it is "polarizing", as in "she polarizes voters." In english, people just don't like her. She pissed too many people off during her husband's term for various reasons. Those reasons include universal health care and causing us to go through an impeachment because she wouldn't service Little Bill, if you know what I mean. A few hummers on her part and we probably wouldn't have even heard of Monica, much less an HBO special.
Don't believe me, go to a hair salon on a Friday, when the ladies are getting all gussied up for the weekend, and ask. (Trust me on this. If you want to find out how people feel about something, go to a salon/barber on Fridays and get the better results than any marketing company could ever get you.)
Even Bill Maher, the whiniest bitch on the left has conceded that Hillary doesn't have a chance. But those crazy Dems will probably get it in their craw that she does and nominate her anyway. Rush and the rest of his Neo-con brethren will laugh all the way to the White House, unless they nominate Condeleeza Rice. Don't even make me go there!!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Big Love

Obviously, this is some kind of cruel joke by the folks at HBO. The whole premise of this show is that polygamy is still being practiced under the radar in Utah and the practitioners are really good, decent people. Some would say that the show is a thinly veiled argument for polygamy, but if you watch it enough, you'd know better. "Big Love" wouldn't make you want one wife, much less three.
Granted, Jeanne Tripplehorne is the normal acting chick of the three, much in the same way that Marilyn is the normal one on the old "Munsters" TV show. The rest of the characters are just plain weird.
Take Chloe Sevigny (Nicki), who probably is hot otherwise, but looks like an Amish serial killer on the show. She makes you squirm everytime she's on the screen and this Hairy Carrot was quoted as using the word "creepy" at least four times.
The youngest of the three wives is okay, cute and innoncent enough. She kind of gets in the way more than anything, though.
You have to wonder what is so special and different about each of these women that makes the husband, played by Bill Paxton, feel so compelled to bring a new one on board. Seriously, what is Jeanne Tripplehorne not doing in the bedroom that constitutes marrying a psycho chick? Does Bill have a nutso fetish? Shit, man! What he really needs is a good drinking buddy to set his sorry ass straight.
Which brings us to another point. What the hell is wrong with this guy? He's puts up with three whiny bitches, supports them, pays their bills (Nicki's a credit card fiend), works his business and has power struggles with other polygamists. No wonder the poor bastard is praying all the time. He prayed before deer hunting, before a meeting, while talking with his brother and probably before taking a dump. Not that this is a stretch for Paxton. Check out "Frailty" for a real strange flick with some psycho-religious themes which make the Conservative Christians look like freakin' amateurs (and he directed it as well).
Bill obviously hasn't done normal guy stuff, like whistling at girls, going to a sports bar, watching porn and taking his son to a strip club. Therein lies the problem with the guy. He needs a little downtime with the guys, if nothing else, to realize how much estrogen has crept into his system by osmosis. He's turned into a wuss, and I'm sure this isn't what the early Mormons had in mind when they started the whole polygamy thing in the first place. Having multiple wives would make the men look virile and able to "service" all of his wives. And in their brains, anybody could put up with one wife, but it takes a real man to humor five or more.
There are solutions to the show's problems. First, a little more nudity would help. "All of these women, not enough frontal," was the way a friend expressed himself in a recent discussion. And yes, you can Google images of Chloe Sevigny nude.
Secondly, how about letting Bill have a menage a trois? Hell, he talked these bitches into going along with the whole monogamy crap in the first place, so it should be a natural progression up to "how about a threesome, Nicki. And if you want, we'll pray first."
All I'm saying is that HBO, the network that brought us "Hookers On The Point" and "Real Sex" could do more for my $9.95 a month. How about a show about lesbian polygamy? It may get the Bushies to squirm a little. Gay marriage plus multiple spouses equals RATINGS (as long as all of the chicks are hot).

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Da Spelling Bee

Katherine Close just won the National Spelling Bee and wow, was that exciting! She spelled "ursprache", which is a vaginal infection, prevalent in coastal areas of the United States. And this is where we think the Spelling Bee organizers are rather biased.
Of the last 40 or so words the kids attempted to spell, at least 30 of them were based on the female anatomy or some female "problem". How is a twelve year old boy supposed to know what a "maxipad" is, much less "menstruation". The only time the guys had a chance was when it came to the word "swallow". The girls didn't have a clue. One of them even asked the "country of origin", like it was foreign or something. Maybe she's married, because once they get married, they forget all about shit like that.
The ebonics spelling bee will take place next month, with contestants attempting to spell words like "birfday", "skrawbary" and "wif".
Oh, and the Hairy Carrot hopes he spelled her name correctly.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Jose Can You, Si?

Enough is enough already. I'm tired of hearing about immigrants, illegals, guest workers, amnesty, Vicente Fox and, most of all, deporting 11 million people. Talk about beating a dead burro! What do you say we reopen Ellis Island and move all of these "peoples" through there like cattle and document the hell out of them. It was good enough back in the day.
Since I'm getting my two pesos in, I need to get something else off of my manly chest. This whole debate started several weeks ago when a bunch of disenfranchised Mexicans in L.A. decided to get organized and take to the streets. What a set of cajones these dudes have! Can you imagine going to another country (illegally, mind you) and starting a protest march over the way you are treated there? What kind of toro-shit is that?
Having our immigration policy dictated to us by a bunch of non-citizens can be pretty humiliating, but the Hairy Carrot has an answer for this.
First, we get our guys our of Iraq. The new Prime Minister says he won't need us in a few months, so let's take his word for it.
Second, we take those troops and invade Mexico. Spring breakers have been doing it for years anyway and, I promise, there won't be an insurgency there.
Next, we make it our 50th state. "But, H.C., we already have 50 states," you're saying. I am aware of that, but who says we can't demote Alaska back to "territory" status. That way we don't have to a) redesign our flag and b) listen to that whore Senator Stevens who keeps milking my tax dollars for his home state. Besides, we're already getting screwed by the Mexicans that are here because they're sending all that dinero back home. That money could be taxed through our coffers for a change and pay for the Hairy Carrot Museum and Home for Promiscuous Girls. Now there's a plan for everybody!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Bathroom Grafitti

"Here I sit, broken hearted..."
You know the rest. Nothing highbrow about it. Basic, whimsical bathroom graffiti. And don't think that it's limited to the johns in bars, restaurants and convenience stores, although that's where the best stuff is.
The Hairy Carrot can attest to seeing some fine work in the stalls of an on-campus library at a major university. Of course, the gist had something to do with the school's archrivals.
There are major themes that are found in the stalls. In no particular order, they are as folllows:

The invitation for sex - "For good head, call Brad at 555-5555" or "Be here at 5pm for a b.j." Does anyone really call the number or return to the stall at the appointed time? (For informational purposes, we've found a lot of offers for oral sex from "males", even though we were not in gay establishments. The Carrot seems to feel that Brad didn't actually make the offer, but instead, one of his alleged friends did.)

The poetry - "Here I sit in stinky vapor, because someone stole the paper". Are we to empathize with the writer's plight? Can we not feel his pain? Did someone steal the paper or just fail to replace the paper with a new roll?

The humor - "How do you get a nun pregnant? You fuck her!" or more seminal pieces like "Famous Jisms - Jism Carter, Jism Hendrix, Jism Cracked Corn and I Don't Care, etc". Sometimes the humor will be conveighed through poetry, but bathroom poetry is not always humorous.

The preferred tool of grafitti is a black felt tip marker(a ballpoint pen is strictly for amateurs). This leads us to the next questions: Where does the marker come from? Does someone carry a marker into a nightclub or bar with the intention of writing on the walls of the bathroom? Do they scrawl on the wall as they piss? Do they smuggle the marker in their asses like a drug mule? Too many questions, not enough answers.
Let the Hairy Carrot know how you feel and share your best readings/writings with us.

Monday, May 22, 2006

How To Solve George Clooney's Problem

Remember a few years ago, when the paparazzi were killing princesses and the celebrity world got in a tizzy about it? Who took on these leeches like a man? George Clooney, that's who!! He told them that he wasn't playing anymore of their little games and they got the message. Now, when he takes a stroll down a red carpet, they put the cameras down and pout like the pussies they are.
On the other hand, he could have used a different tact. So, if you are famous and need to get those pesky cameras out of your face, follow this plan.
First, hire two actors. One to play a paparazzi, preferably a male (known for our purposes as Dick). Hell, let him go undercover for a few days and get to know some of the real paparazzi. Then hire an older attractive woman to play his mother (we'll call her Ma).
Next, let these guys see you going into a hotel, even better, a skanky motel with Ma. Four hours later, you both leave, looking disheveled but satisfied. At this point, you let it be known that you afternoon delight has been discovered. Dick screams, "Ma, is that you?" She nods.
George Clooney could pull the last part off perfectly. "Yeah, I boned your mother, and she loved every minute of it. Especially when I put my ..." You get the idea. "And you know what, I'm looking forward to sticking it to all of your mothers."
Dick is crushed. Ma puts a smoke in her mouth and begs to go back for more random sex.
The only thing more perfect than this plan is boning an actual mom of the actual paparazzi.
Now I realize that George Clooney has more on his plate than this, what with helping the Darfurians (I think Captain Kirk fought them once). That's cool. But wouldn't it be great to see him going down the red carpet, point at a flashing camera and saying, "I'm tore your mom a new one last night" and mean every word of it?

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Honky Like Me

Honky. Can the word itself destroy society we live in? Can any word do such a thing? I doubt it. Of course, in the world of political correctness, words can hurt, maim, spindle and kill. I've heard of being killed with kindness, but that is another matter.
"Mr. Carrot, I hereby sentence you to death, by kindness." Then a sweet lady comes in and keeps feeding you her delicious apple pie and tells you how much you've grown and shit until you get so sick of her, you kill yourself.
Let's get back to words that kill. George Jefferson, a great thinker and dry cleaner in his day, used the "H" word excessively, usually at the expense of Mr. Bentley or Tom Willis. Granted, they were some serious honkies, in the same way that Frasier Crane, his brother Niles, and anyone who enjoys classical music are serious honkies. But old George said it with such vitriol and venom in his voice, that it became a racial slur. Where was the outrage?
Archie Bunker, the true foil of George Jefferson, never used the "N" word. He was much more imaginative, and he should be an inspiration to us all. When you can't think of the right epithet, use something else, like "cockroach" or "Rush Limbaugh listener".
Remember, when words are outlawed, only outlaws will have words. Deep, huh?
Not to whore out Hairy Carrot, but stylish Honky shirts are available. Check out the links on www.hairycarrot.com. All the cool kids have one.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Little Bastards

Recently I rediscovered an old love and it was purely by accident. I was out of town on a business trip and needed to do a little shopping. It went down something like this.
Setting: A retail store. A toddler with an inattentive mother was making quite a scene, screaming, pulling merchandise off the racks and, in general, being a brat. In the middle of this shopping nightmare, I looked at the salesgirl (at this store they're called "associates" which for some reason, cracks me up) and remarked that the child was a "noisy little bastard".
Now this is where it got good. The associate confirmed my suspicions by saying something to the effect of, "You wouldn't say that to her boyfriend." She obviously knew the mommy and "da baby-daddy".
"Boyfriend? Well, then the kid is a bastard," I stated calmly. "Come to think about it, there's a lot of little bastards around here lately."
Those words cut through the associate's heart like a knife through steamy shit. She didn't care for my explanation of the obvious.
"You are aware that bastards are children born out of wedlock, aren't you?" I said smugly, hiding behind my position of "the customer is always right".
"A lot of kids parents' ain't married," she said curtly. "My boyfriend and me ain't married and we got us two kids."
She was getting defensive, but proving my point at the same time. Since I didn't live in Bastardville, I figure I'm not going to see this lovely young lady again.
"Well, then by definition, you have some little bastards at home." Silence. "Thanks for your time".
Hairy Carrot doesn't want to take up space with all kinds of commentary describing the downfall of society on this blog. Beside, I'm sure those sorry little bastards are the light of her life.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I'm Not Really Sorry - Half-Assed Apology

The May 8, 2006 posting on this blog stated that the "Official" Atlantic Beach Bike Festival website was crappy because it had no real information concerning the festival. We at Hairy Carrot stand by the blog. As stated, the organizers were only three weeks out from a major festival, and the site was nearly blank.
However, upon checking the site in recent days, schedules, entertainment, and other information that we just can't live without was there. Hell, even somebody name DJ Cowboy is going to perform!! Maybe there'll be a special appearance by Waylon Jennings. Yeehiii!!
Unfortunately for us all, my wish for the Redneck Comedy tour hitting the festival won't come true. Can't we all just get along?

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I Can't Make This Up!!/ May Bike Fests Vol 2

Let me start off by saying if anything here is offensive, I've done my job well. Making you think is my job.
The NAACP stirred up a pile of shit a few years ago by suing the local governments and businesses on the Grand Strand for discrimination (what else?). This included restaurants closing, differing traffic schemes and general "we don't like the way our black brothers are being treated". Seems EVERYTHING should be equal between streetbikes and Harley-Riders. But let's turn the tables for a moment.
The town of Atlantic Beach (a "black owned town" according to the official website) has decided to charge a $10 fee for admission to their town this year and this is where the NAACP needs to step in. You see, there isn't an admission fee for those honkies on the Harleys if they want to enter the town during the Harley Bike Fest. Smells like discrimination to this Hairy Carrot. Will the NAACP sue Atlantic Beach for on the behalf of the black bikers because the Harley dudes don't pay during their bike fest?
Of course I've turned around two completely different issues and confused the facts enough to make you wonder. And that's exactly what the NAACP does. Who says a honky can play that game too.
On a lighter note, the Hairy Carrot Nation decided to cancel the annual Rumpshaker Contest due to public outcry. It will be replaced by a Badonkadonk Contest. Venues are still being considered.