Monday, May 22, 2006

How To Solve George Clooney's Problem

Remember a few years ago, when the paparazzi were killing princesses and the celebrity world got in a tizzy about it? Who took on these leeches like a man? George Clooney, that's who!! He told them that he wasn't playing anymore of their little games and they got the message. Now, when he takes a stroll down a red carpet, they put the cameras down and pout like the pussies they are.
On the other hand, he could have used a different tact. So, if you are famous and need to get those pesky cameras out of your face, follow this plan.
First, hire two actors. One to play a paparazzi, preferably a male (known for our purposes as Dick). Hell, let him go undercover for a few days and get to know some of the real paparazzi. Then hire an older attractive woman to play his mother (we'll call her Ma).
Next, let these guys see you going into a hotel, even better, a skanky motel with Ma. Four hours later, you both leave, looking disheveled but satisfied. At this point, you let it be known that you afternoon delight has been discovered. Dick screams, "Ma, is that you?" She nods.
George Clooney could pull the last part off perfectly. "Yeah, I boned your mother, and she loved every minute of it. Especially when I put my ..." You get the idea. "And you know what, I'm looking forward to sticking it to all of your mothers."
Dick is crushed. Ma puts a smoke in her mouth and begs to go back for more random sex.
The only thing more perfect than this plan is boning an actual mom of the actual paparazzi.
Now I realize that George Clooney has more on his plate than this, what with helping the Darfurians (I think Captain Kirk fought them once). That's cool. But wouldn't it be great to see him going down the red carpet, point at a flashing camera and saying, "I'm tore your mom a new one last night" and mean every word of it?

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