Monday, May 08, 2006

I Can't Make This Stuff Up!!/May Bike Fests

Okay, here's the deal. Atlantic Beach, SC is about to hold their annual Bikefest on Memorial Day weekend. For those of you who aren't familiar with this shindig, it's three days of mostly black chicks with big asses wearing butt floss. For the locals, it's one of the best weekends for getting out of town.
Atlantic Beach is about four (count 'em, 4!) blocks long. It looks like a bomb hit it in the 1950's and nobody bothered to clean up the mess. The thriving businesses include a bustling titty bar, a video store, a couple of motels, a head shop, and an adult bookstore. I may have missed something, but that's the highlights.
Now, guess which of the following are also in Atlantic Beach: doctor's office, hardware store, florist, bank, insurance office, car dealership, office supply store, school, Italian restaurant and McDonalds. That's right, kids - none of the above. But I digress.
Here we are, three weeks out, so I checked out the official website, and the lack of information is hilarious.
For example, unless these idiots have hired a band called the Performers (doubtful), they haven't even hired a band. Many of the tabs information about the festival come back with a vague "coming soon". Did I mention this is three weeks away? Can you say "clusterfuck"?
The organizers of this great event are expecting anywhere from 250,000 to 350,000 attendees. Will they be squeezed in tighter than the bikini bottoms on some of the chicks there? I doubt it because this is the first year the town expects these folks to shell out $10 a pop (more on this later) just to get into town. For what?
My gut says the headliner won't be Larry the Cable Guy.

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