Friday, June 30, 2006

Conservatism Vs. Erectile Dysfunction

Daryn Kagan, CNN's piece o' ass hottie newswoman, has, for some unknown reason, been dating Rush Limbaugh. This is interesting when you consider that he doesn't have enough lead in the pencil, if you know what I mean. You see, Mr. Conservative was detained last week for having viagra that was prescribed to his physician, who said he wrote the prescription in his name to avoid embarrassment for Mr. Limbaugh. Obviously, this plan didn't work, and now the whole world knows the frustration Ms. Kagan has endured.
Daryn, honey, if you need some lovin', come see the Hairy Carrot!
But Rush, with one talent that God evidently didn't loan him, has the same problem as fellow Republican, Bob Dole, and we suspect, other "members" of the GOP. Perhaps this is all the side effects of oxycontin, like temporary deafness. I bet Rush could get it up for the focus of his man-crush, George W. Bush. His adulation for the President borders on gay-ness, if that actually is a word.
"Daryn, I ran out of my blue pills. Could you put on the "W" mask and talk to me about family values until I can get Little Rush to stand at attention."
In a related story, a judge in Oklahoma (the center of liberalism) could get 4 years in prison for pulling his pecker out in the courtroom and using his penis pump, during trials. Former court reporter Lisa Foster said she witnessed Judge Donald D. Thompson expose himself at least 15 times in court. She even described the "sh-sh" sound she heard while listening to the testimony of the grandfather of a murdered toddler.
The Hairy Carrot received transcripts from another trial the judge was presiding over and we wanted to let you in on the fun.
Defense attorney: "Mr. Johnson, did you see the accused kill the victim."
Prosecutor: "Objection!"
Judge: "Huh? Er, on what grounds? Sh-sh-sh..."
Dude, get some batteries or a muffler for that thing!

Monday, June 26, 2006

My, What An Offensive Shirt You Have, Grandma!

A store in Warren, OH, decided to stop selling t-shirts due to protests from locals. A whopping crowd of 30 bitched and moaned until Rose Beauty and J-Fashions removed the shirts, which had pictures of the Pillsbury "Dope" Boy (who wasn't "baked").
Gail Salter, a self-described "concerned parent" said the shirts encouraged kids to use drugs. After the rally, she went directly to the local hospital to have a gigantic bug removed from her rectum. Physicians also found what they described as "a big stick, nearly a 2 x 4", which they also tried, unsuccessfully, to remove. "We just couldn't get it. What a tightass!!" said Dr. Howie Feltersnatch.
Pillsbury had no comment on the incident, but one executive said off the record that the company thought the combination of the Dough Boy and marijuana was a natural "tie-in" for their products. "Let's face it, stoners love cake mixes. Some even put them in the oven."
As a sidenote, "Honky" shirts are available at www.hairycarrot.com.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Liberal Bee Jays

Desperately trying to find a topic, the intrepid Hairy Carrot news teams stumbled upon this gem from the June 22, 2006 edition Southwest Daily Times, in Liberal, Kansas. The story had to do with a screwy minor league baseball game between the Liberal Bee Jays and the Derby Twins. The gist of the article was that it took 31/2 hours to play less than 5 innings, due to delays. The delays included a coach being ejected, lightening, rain, and a 35-degree drop in the temperature. Since when did a drop in temperature delay a game? Anyway, the Twins, frustrated at the delays and the officials' lack of decision making skills, had enough, packed their gear and left. The umpires called the games (evidently it was a double-header) a forfeit.
The most interesting part of this article was the name of the team. It just doesn't get any better than that. Remember, Kansas is a pretty conservative place. This only makes it better when you imagine girls with t-shirts proclaiming, "I (heart) Bee Jays!". If the team goes undefeated, their slogan could be "You Can't Beat A Bee Jay!"
The big leagues should look into these kinds of names as well. The Houston Hummers could play the Texas Titties or the Cleveland Cunning Linguists on "Dental Dam" night.
We realize that we're about 50 years to late to savor the endless possibilities of Liberal Bee Jays team slogans and logos. Why didn't we hear about this earlier? At this point, it doesn't matter, just enjoy. If you have any ideas for team promotions, let us know in our comment section.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Git-R-Done

If you grew up in the 1970's, you'll remember a television show called "Hee Haw". The show was full of dumb humor, one-liners, and my favorite, country music. It played to, what the politically correct call, "the salt of the earth" audience. Everyone else called them rednecks, but it in a way that even the rednecks weren't offended. Nowadays, we have something called Redneck Humor, nurtured by a guy whose catchphrase is "You might be a redneck if..." One example that is always left out is, "If you fuck your sister, then you might be a redneck." Perhaps that one is just too obvious.
Spawned from the hell of redneck comedy is a guy who goes by the moniker of Larry the Cable Guy. This guy is about 30 years too late for Hee Haw, and from the looks of him, you'd think there was absolutely no such thing as evolution.
He's got two catchphrases of his own. One is his "I don't care who you are, that's funny!" That one is for jokes that really aren't funny (a vast majority), but it's his lame way to encourage the audience to laugh at them anyway.
The other, more disturbing line is "Git-R-Done". Now, this one is pretty fucking prolific. I've heard some hot women say it and I've also seen it on the back of pickup trucks (go figure). Usually I look for lines from Shakespeare on the back of trucks, so you can empathize with my dismay.
The weird thing, I don't think anyone knows what the hell "git-r-done" is supposed to mean, but Larry and his fans repeat it like a mantra.
"I'm going to the beer store."
"Git-r-done."
"I banged some chick with an STD."
"Git-r-done."
It's as stupid as the mullet that Larry had in the 1980's when he performed under his real name, Dan Whitney. There's video of him all over the web doing his act, wearing khakis and acting less like a redneck and more like a yuppie wannabe. Git-r-done.
Idiots will just about say any peabrained shit that pops into their head. And when that dumb shit becomes popular, that's when you start hearing little girls playing Barbie and Ken says "git-r-done".
The Hairy Carrot has been thinking about it and has come up with his own catchphrase. "Eat some pussy!" defines the ideals I live for.
Larry and Hairy have several things in common. We both work under fake names (my momma didn't name this honky Hairy Carrot), we both had bad hair in the 80's, and now, we both have catchphrases that leave no room for doubt who we are and where we're coming from.
There are some differences, though. For instance, I'm really from the south, but he's from Nebraska. I quit telling fart jokes in fourth grade, yet Larry still serves them up like the professional he is. You get the point.
Just to recap, the Hairy Carrot nation needs to step up to the plate. Repeat after me - "Eat some pussy!"

Friday, June 16, 2006

Amazing News Items Are Usually Related

This has been a big week for news. Darryl Hannah, mostly famous for "Splash", was physically removed from a tree in California. She was protesting because a landowner wanted his property back from the neighbors, who have taken it upon themselves to grow a vegetable garden on it. Damn capitalism!! Anyway, the news channels got downright giddy showing Darryl Hannah getting pulled out of a tree, and of course, she came off looking like crazy bitch.
Unfortunately for J.J. Redick, she was supposed to be his designated driver. J.J. gets a few drinks in him and where is his ride? Up a fucking tree!! Sweet. Next time, call a cab, J.J.
Which brings me to the crime wave of current/former Duke athletes. Fact is, you have to be really smart to get into Duke, but I guess common sense isn't a factor on the SAT's. Next time you want to hire strippers for a party, upgrade to some classy white chicks that don't already have kids. It's amazing what an extra $50 will do sometimes. Strippers with stretchmarks aren't my cup of tea. Unlike government contracts, a stripper shouldn't be hired because she's the lowest bidder.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Terrorists Vs. Our Gang(s)

Crime has increased for the first time in a long time and the official government line attributes the jump to gang related activities. Gangs have started to move to the Midwest because there are plenty of white kids that aren't into crystal meth and crack yet, so they have an untapped market. Either as a member or a customer, these youths are sucked into this shit.
But the main thing gangs are good at is scaring people off of their turf, or terrorizing them. Just like in the movies, little old ladies can't walk down the street without fear of getting robbed or beaten or worse. Hell, I'm more afraid of a crackhead with a shiv getting to me more than I'm worried about Al Qaida.
The tactics of gangs and terrorists are obviously similar. They both use fear as their main weapon, as well as violence, and turf warfare. Also, they both generate an income stream through illegal drug sales.
Which brings us to another point. Why doesn't our congress grow a pair and officially declare gangs as "Domestic Terrorists". Sure, it's a cheap excuse for a solution, but it would work better than whatever we're doing now. Instead of only the FBI watching the gangs, Homeland Security could also get in on the act. Military tribunals and keeping "detainees" in Guantanamo would also be part of the package.
But a better solution is out there as well. After their name/status is changed by government, we can cut them a deal. Offer them a new turf, a new market for their crack and meth - IRAQ!!
But they can have it under one condition - if they kick the terrorists and insurgents out of the country. Talk about a brilliant idea. The thugs leave here, go there, and fight a war for a country that, at this point, has nowhere to go but up.
I'm not bragging on the gangs, but you know that the smallest crip could kick Osama's ass. Word!

Friday, June 09, 2006

Rush Limbaugh's Evil Plan

Did you know that every President since Nixon has won the "south". In other words, if you don't make it below the Mason-Dixon line, you won't make it to Washington, DC. Clinton won the south, because he was from the south and knew the sensibilities of southerners. Gore lost the south, even though he was from Tennessee, but lived there a total of two weeks during his lifetime. John Kerry lost by virtue of the fact that he was from Massachusetts and southerners don't give a crap about New Englanders for the most part. Democrats, for the most part, just don't seem to see this pattern, thus making them rubes for 2008.
Rush Limbaugh, the spokesguy for the Republican party, has figured this all out and has come up with a devious plan to make sure he keeps his buddies in power, as well as keeping from paying his "rich guy" taxes. His is the kind of plan that seems to play on the wishes of stupid people, and the liberal left fits the bill to a tee.
The scheme is nothing more than this: Play up fears of a Hillary Clinton candidacy. "Ooh, we don't won't her to get the nomination, because she could win and we'll be in soooo much trouble with another President Clinton." Boy, that would be scary.
Did you know that a lot of liberals stupidly listen to Limbaugh's show? It's true. They think they're listening in on the enemy's inside information, and old Rush, not being stupid as much as annoying, has decided to play them like a cheap piano. It's called misinformation, you freaking retards - learn about it!!
So, the left hears Rush's "fears" of Hillary and figure they're onto something. Only thing is they are so out of touch with reality (nominating Kerry), they think the gal can win the south. Herein lies the problem.
You see, the Hairy Carrot was born and raised in the south and I like to think I have my stinky finger on the pulse of the place. Truth be known, most southerners wouldn't hit a bull in the ass with Hillary Clinton. That's the bottom line. They liked Bill, but his wife is another story altogether. The political speak for it is "polarizing", as in "she polarizes voters." In english, people just don't like her. She pissed too many people off during her husband's term for various reasons. Those reasons include universal health care and causing us to go through an impeachment because she wouldn't service Little Bill, if you know what I mean. A few hummers on her part and we probably wouldn't have even heard of Monica, much less an HBO special.
Don't believe me, go to a hair salon on a Friday, when the ladies are getting all gussied up for the weekend, and ask. (Trust me on this. If you want to find out how people feel about something, go to a salon/barber on Fridays and get the better results than any marketing company could ever get you.)
Even Bill Maher, the whiniest bitch on the left has conceded that Hillary doesn't have a chance. But those crazy Dems will probably get it in their craw that she does and nominate her anyway. Rush and the rest of his Neo-con brethren will laugh all the way to the White House, unless they nominate Condeleeza Rice. Don't even make me go there!!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Big Love

Obviously, this is some kind of cruel joke by the folks at HBO. The whole premise of this show is that polygamy is still being practiced under the radar in Utah and the practitioners are really good, decent people. Some would say that the show is a thinly veiled argument for polygamy, but if you watch it enough, you'd know better. "Big Love" wouldn't make you want one wife, much less three.
Granted, Jeanne Tripplehorne is the normal acting chick of the three, much in the same way that Marilyn is the normal one on the old "Munsters" TV show. The rest of the characters are just plain weird.
Take Chloe Sevigny (Nicki), who probably is hot otherwise, but looks like an Amish serial killer on the show. She makes you squirm everytime she's on the screen and this Hairy Carrot was quoted as using the word "creepy" at least four times.
The youngest of the three wives is okay, cute and innoncent enough. She kind of gets in the way more than anything, though.
You have to wonder what is so special and different about each of these women that makes the husband, played by Bill Paxton, feel so compelled to bring a new one on board. Seriously, what is Jeanne Tripplehorne not doing in the bedroom that constitutes marrying a psycho chick? Does Bill have a nutso fetish? Shit, man! What he really needs is a good drinking buddy to set his sorry ass straight.
Which brings us to another point. What the hell is wrong with this guy? He's puts up with three whiny bitches, supports them, pays their bills (Nicki's a credit card fiend), works his business and has power struggles with other polygamists. No wonder the poor bastard is praying all the time. He prayed before deer hunting, before a meeting, while talking with his brother and probably before taking a dump. Not that this is a stretch for Paxton. Check out "Frailty" for a real strange flick with some psycho-religious themes which make the Conservative Christians look like freakin' amateurs (and he directed it as well).
Bill obviously hasn't done normal guy stuff, like whistling at girls, going to a sports bar, watching porn and taking his son to a strip club. Therein lies the problem with the guy. He needs a little downtime with the guys, if nothing else, to realize how much estrogen has crept into his system by osmosis. He's turned into a wuss, and I'm sure this isn't what the early Mormons had in mind when they started the whole polygamy thing in the first place. Having multiple wives would make the men look virile and able to "service" all of his wives. And in their brains, anybody could put up with one wife, but it takes a real man to humor five or more.
There are solutions to the show's problems. First, a little more nudity would help. "All of these women, not enough frontal," was the way a friend expressed himself in a recent discussion. And yes, you can Google images of Chloe Sevigny nude.
Secondly, how about letting Bill have a menage a trois? Hell, he talked these bitches into going along with the whole monogamy crap in the first place, so it should be a natural progression up to "how about a threesome, Nicki. And if you want, we'll pray first."
All I'm saying is that HBO, the network that brought us "Hookers On The Point" and "Real Sex" could do more for my $9.95 a month. How about a show about lesbian polygamy? It may get the Bushies to squirm a little. Gay marriage plus multiple spouses equals RATINGS (as long as all of the chicks are hot).

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Da Spelling Bee

Katherine Close just won the National Spelling Bee and wow, was that exciting! She spelled "ursprache", which is a vaginal infection, prevalent in coastal areas of the United States. And this is where we think the Spelling Bee organizers are rather biased.
Of the last 40 or so words the kids attempted to spell, at least 30 of them were based on the female anatomy or some female "problem". How is a twelve year old boy supposed to know what a "maxipad" is, much less "menstruation". The only time the guys had a chance was when it came to the word "swallow". The girls didn't have a clue. One of them even asked the "country of origin", like it was foreign or something. Maybe she's married, because once they get married, they forget all about shit like that.
The ebonics spelling bee will take place next month, with contestants attempting to spell words like "birfday", "skrawbary" and "wif".
Oh, and the Hairy Carrot hopes he spelled her name correctly.