Friday, July 28, 2006

Scarlett Johansson Ain't No Diva!!

How does this world continue to spin on its axis when people are throwing out ridiculous accusations? I mean, damn, we can put up with attitudes and all, but really, making poor Scarlett Johansson a target is something I can't put up with.
Seems she pissed off Andrew Lloyd Webber, who brought us "Cats" and "The Phantom of the Opera". Mr. Webber has been working on a big-budget revival of "The Sound of Music" and Scarlett, 21, was going to play the lead, Maria Von Trapp. According to Andy L. Webber, "her demands were so ridiculous".
Okay, I'll take the blame for this one, but it's not completely my fault. You see, Scarlett has been stalking me for about a year. She calls my home and says nothing. Just little whimpers and crying. I'll say, "Scarlett Johansson, I know it's you!" and then she hangs up, confused, yet elated that I even acknowledged her. I started feeling bad for her. So one night, I saw her in the bushes outside my house (she's there a lot) and offered her some advice on "The Sound of Music", including how shitty it would be without lots of frontal nudity. I also mentioned that she should demand the story be brought into the present and more realistic. If a 21 year old woman was going to be the mother of a litter of singing kids, she should portray her as a crystal meth freak with a liver disorder, preferably hepatitis C. All of this was suggested with my tongue firmly in cheek.
Dumb Scarlett missed the joke and went straight to Webber saying that this is what she wanted. Andy, not missing a beat, immediately provided her with a printed copy of Jim Carroll's classic, "The Basketball Diaries". How he knew she was a certified speed reader I'll never know, but she finished the book in about 18 minutes. He next sat with her as they watched the bastardized, updated movie version, which was a turd on so many levels. (Where was the crazy lady in her underwear performing Mass over her kitchen sink, while screaming obscenities?)
Andy put his arm around Scarlett as she stared at the floor of the screening room and said, "You've been hanging around Hairy Carrot again, haven't you?" Stupid bitch fessed up.
So, I've killed two birds with one big rock. I got Scarlett out of my hedge, and I've spared us the tragedy of singing Von Trapps, at least for the next 6-8 weeks. Thank me later.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

SOB

Before I get started, I want to send out regards and thanks to Typhonius, who contributed greatly to our discussion of women's masturbation. Tally ho, good man!

This past weekend I visited the Mecca of I-95, South of the Border. Located about 20 ft south of the North Carolina/South Carolina border is this lovely haven. Anyone who has traveled I-95 is familiar with the cheesy signs with bad puns, like "bedrock weather forecast, chili today, hot tamale." It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it? In a recent newspaper article, the operators of SOB, as it is called (and I don't feel like typing that long shit everything), said they have changed some of the signs on the interstate to make them more politically correct. No more "joust" and shit like that. Some whine shit complained that it might offend somebody who isn't supposed to be here in the first place. Typical. And you know that this same whiny ass was once 8 years old, sitting in the backseat of dad's Caprice and laughing their ass off reading those signs on vacation.
SOB is a landmark of sorts, a tribute to tackiness. It's a small complex of shops, restaurants, a motel ("Pedro has waterbeds" was on a sign behind the counter), arcades, rides, and of course, fireworks shops. This place was a theme park before there was such an animal.
As you would expect, it's gone downhill a bit over the years. The staff looked suicidal, the floors dirty, and the clientele seemed a little skankier than usual. For example, I pulled into the parking lot to find about 8-10 of my funky soul brothers, standing outside the Africa Shop (insert your own joke here), lighting fireworks they had purchased a few minutes earlier. These guys were about 4 feet from somebody's car, lighting explosives with glee. You'd think they never saw a bottle rocket before!
On the whole, I came away from it thinking that SOB is more of a punchline to a bad joke, but's it's also like a train wreck. You don't want to look, but you just can't help it.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Euphemisms - Help Us Out!

Here at the Hairy Carrot Institute, we've discovered that we're lacking in one area of expertise. Currently, we have tons of euphemisms for male masturbation. For example, flogging the log, choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, etc.
However, when it comes to female masturbation, the list is limited to "polishing the doughnut" and "rocking the little man in the boat". Let's face it, women don't jerk off, they rub off.
So, in the interest of higher learning and bringing the entire Hairy Carrot community together, we're are requesting your submissions. We can't afford prizes (shit, we can't afford a decent website), but we would all appreciate anything that doesn't mention doughnuts.
Pass this request on to any and all who could contribute to our cause. Use the comments section so all can share your knowledge.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Aunt Mary's In Our Midst

Have you ever heard of gay conservatives? Seriously, I didn't make it up. They even have their own group, the Log Cabin Republicans, named after Abe Lincoln's childhood home. Lincoln was the first Republican president, but I don't think he was gay.
Anyway, the Log Cabin, as they call themselves, is comprised of gay, lesbian and bi-sexual conservatives, who support most of the GOP agenda, with the obvious exception to all the non-gay stuff. You see, most conservatives don't support, much less care for, gay rights, such as marriage. Of course, the Republicans are more than happy to get votes from the Log Cabin members.
Gay and lesbians are all about getting married and shit. Why? I don't know. You'd think they'd be happy to have a way out of that nightmare. "Sorry, Bill, I can't marry you because the law says I can't." "Oh well, my loss," followed by snickers and chuckles. The American Bar Association should be positioning itself as pro-gay marriage, because they could make a mint on gay divorce cases, or even gay pre-nups.
Most gays and lesbians feel betrayed by the Log Cabin and even call them "Aunt Mary's", which I learned is the gay equivalent of Uncle Tom. The name game can get very confusing, as in, "Bill, I wouldn't go down on Jim because he's an Aunt Mary." See what I mean?
I personally don't have a problem with gay marriage, as long as both chicks are hot (okay, that one was cheap and easy). And there are too many other things to worry about, like war, gas prices, stock market woes, etc. But why does this bunch of gays support people that don't support them? It's like Neo-Nazi Jews. So I call on all Log Cabin Republicans to merge with the Fudge Packer Democrats or the Carpet Munching Libertarians or the Pole Smoking Green Party. One of these groups has to be a better political ally.
I truly suspect that there are some Republicans that are deep in the closet. For instance, if anyone has a man-crush on George W., it's got to be Rush Limbaugh. You know Rush thinks about George all the time, like when he's eating or doctor shopping or doing Daryn Kagan doggy style. What grown man defends every action of another grown man so much as to broadcast it everyday? I've mentioned it before, but George could get drunk and rape a bunch of nuns in public and Rush would blame it on the liberal media. Go ahead Rush, kiss him on the mouth. You know you want to.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Crack For Crack

Felix Cocco, 80, of Pittsburgh, pleaded guilty to drug charges, which included selling crack out of his house. Mr. Cocco's lawyer said he also traded crack to prostitutes in exchange for sex. His two goals were to a) pay his bills and b) stay sexually active.
Damn, those just happen to be the goals of everyone else in this country! I mean, shit dude, who doesn't want to keep the car from being repoed and get a little at the same time? And the fact that old Felix managed to combine the two means he deserves a pat on the back. I can't imagine how much money the government could save if this were all legal. There may actually be something in the Social Security funds when I retire and get horny.
And let's not forget the contributions of everyone's friend, the crack whore. Sure, she may be diseased, but does Felix give a crap if he gets herpes or HIV? Doubtful. Hell, the old guy is more concerned about a broken hip or his dentures. Cathy Crackwhore was just being a giving, loving person, tending to the needs of a elderly, horny widower. We should all rally around crack whores who are friends of the downtrodden and desperate, like Felix.
To Congress, I think I speak for all when I say, legalize prostitution and help our seniors. One day, you could be in the same situation as Felix.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Best Breakfast In Town

Recently, several people have asked me where to find a good breakfast. I tell them that the best breakfast is one you don't pay for.
Down the road from my place is a large hotel. From 6am to 10am, seven days a week, they prepare one of the finest breakfasts you'll ever have. Eggs, sausage, toast, bagels, fruit, cereal, coffee, orange juice and biscuits.
What's the cost of this spread? Not a damn thing! Sa-weet!
Okay, I know it's not what the hotel had in mind. The guests, who pay for the rooms, are also paying for the breakfast. That's fine. Now let's get back to reality.
The breakfast is built in as a cost. It's paid for if 50 people eat or only 2, and let's not forget, most food is perishable. Fruit does a funny thing when it's stored in a fridge for a few days.
The truth of the matter is that most people check in to a hotel in the early evening and an entirely different shift of employees comes to work in the morning. They don't know who has checked in, and frankly, they don't care. Do you really think the housekeeper gives a rat's ass if someone is mooching corn flakes? Me neither. As a matter of fact, the disgruntled staff sometimes encourages you to eat their breakfast. It's their way of "getting back at the man". Hell, I've seen some "regulars" a few times, and Shananay gives them a big smile. She's cool with that.
Here are some tips for a free breakfast:
1. Go in your pajamas, like you just crawled out of bed.
2. Park in the back of the establishment. Real guests don't go by the front desk.
3. Act like you're supposed to be there. Suspicious or guilty looks won't get you too far in life, especially in this environment.
4. Grab a paper to read.
5. If approached by a manager, make a comment about the lack of handicapped parking.
Living in a tourist/resort area makes a lot of hotels' continental breakfast accessible to everyone. So next time you're in town, let me know and I'll tell you where you can get the best "make your own" Belgian waffles.

Friday, July 07, 2006

The Millionaire Dick Next Door

If you're a fan of "Survivor", then you are probably already aware of the recent incident involving Brian Heidick, the winner of "Survivor: Thailand". The former soft-core porn actor and used car salesman, shot a puppy with an arrow recently because he thought it was a coyote harassing his pets. He was about to go for a second puppy when his wife, Charmaine, called the cops. The dumbass saw the cops, fled the scene and was quickly caught and returned to his home.
Douglas County Chief Deputy Stan Copeland said that was when he saw evidence in the home to support a charge of family violence. No word was given as to what the evidence was, but maybe there was an arrow in Charmaine's ass.
When you win a million bucks, it helps you become an asshole even quicker. The money also can buy better recreational drugs, like those that make puppies look like coyotes. I'll stick with my Beam and Coke and whatever else I can mooch off of my friends.
In a related story, North Korea's Kim Jong Ill fired several missiles on Tuesday, claiming his people were starving and "we heard there were some puppies we could nuke up. You call them Dachsund, we call them 'appetizer'."
Perhaps Brian Heidick and Kim should get together for a cookout. Heidick could get stoned, think Kim's a rabid bunny, and shoot an arrow into Kim. Of course, we'll need to tape the whole thing for YouTube.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Independence Day

Two big news stories took over the press today. Lil' Kim's release from prison, where she served nearly 10 months for lying to a grand jury. She had said to the cops that she didn't see her friends at the scene of a shootout in New York. Unfortunately for the liar, she was caught on video and some witnesses dimed her, too.
Since when did lying to a grand jury become such a big deal? Let's see....oh yeah!! Bill Clinton got nailed on that one for the presidential hummer he denied. Pretty sad day when you have to lie about getting your knob polished. And then there's this Scooter Libby guy who is about to get pinched for helping expose a spy.
The joke possibilities are endless when you consider blowing someone's cover and blowing Bill's - never mind!
Anyway, I hope she is completely rehabilitated and remembers the old adage, "If you lie with the dogs, you'll get up with the fleas." I'm sure she's made new friends in the last 10 months who will keep her out of trouble.
The other big story had to do with cracks being discovered in the space shuttle. At first glance, I thought the article was that crack was found. I immediately implicated Lil' Kim and wondered how she got to Florida so fast. But after watching hours of CNN, Lil' Kim was nowhere to be found on the launch pad.
Surely, someone can fix the shuttle. Isn't there a Mr. Goodwrench in Florida somewhere?