Friday, July 28, 2006

Scarlett Johansson Ain't No Diva!!

How does this world continue to spin on its axis when people are throwing out ridiculous accusations? I mean, damn, we can put up with attitudes and all, but really, making poor Scarlett Johansson a target is something I can't put up with.
Seems she pissed off Andrew Lloyd Webber, who brought us "Cats" and "The Phantom of the Opera". Mr. Webber has been working on a big-budget revival of "The Sound of Music" and Scarlett, 21, was going to play the lead, Maria Von Trapp. According to Andy L. Webber, "her demands were so ridiculous".
Okay, I'll take the blame for this one, but it's not completely my fault. You see, Scarlett has been stalking me for about a year. She calls my home and says nothing. Just little whimpers and crying. I'll say, "Scarlett Johansson, I know it's you!" and then she hangs up, confused, yet elated that I even acknowledged her. I started feeling bad for her. So one night, I saw her in the bushes outside my house (she's there a lot) and offered her some advice on "The Sound of Music", including how shitty it would be without lots of frontal nudity. I also mentioned that she should demand the story be brought into the present and more realistic. If a 21 year old woman was going to be the mother of a litter of singing kids, she should portray her as a crystal meth freak with a liver disorder, preferably hepatitis C. All of this was suggested with my tongue firmly in cheek.
Dumb Scarlett missed the joke and went straight to Webber saying that this is what she wanted. Andy, not missing a beat, immediately provided her with a printed copy of Jim Carroll's classic, "The Basketball Diaries". How he knew she was a certified speed reader I'll never know, but she finished the book in about 18 minutes. He next sat with her as they watched the bastardized, updated movie version, which was a turd on so many levels. (Where was the crazy lady in her underwear performing Mass over her kitchen sink, while screaming obscenities?)
Andy put his arm around Scarlett as she stared at the floor of the screening room and said, "You've been hanging around Hairy Carrot again, haven't you?" Stupid bitch fessed up.
So, I've killed two birds with one big rock. I got Scarlett out of my hedge, and I've spared us the tragedy of singing Von Trapps, at least for the next 6-8 weeks. Thank me later.

1 comment:

jas said...

thanks for ruining the full frontal.