Thursday, August 31, 2006

Katherine Harris Shunned

We all remember the 2000 election that took over a month to resolve, and only after the intervention of the Supreme Court. The most memorable of all the idiots in that whole process was Katherine Harris, who was Florida's Secretary of State at the time and also a Bush supporter. Since then, she has been elected to the House of Representatives and is now running for the U.S. Senate.
Suffering from a bad case of "foot in mouth" disease, the dumb bitch spoke to the Florida Baptists Witness (whatever that is) and said that the separation of church and state is "a lie we have been told".
The crazy wench went on to say that "God is the one who chooses our rulers". This was also the belief during the middle ages, along with the feudal system and putting leaches on the ill.
Indicative of diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain, she went to say "if you're not electing Christians, then in essence you are going to legislate sin". What the fuck? Does that mean that if you elect a Jew, you're for kiddy porn?
Needless to say, most people, including those of her own party are distancing themselves from her. Her reply to all this is that she was speaking to a specific group and thus, tailored a speech just for them.
Hey, dumb fuck, just use the same stump speech for every group you visit. That way you won't be offensive and be an unattractive bitch that looks like you just ate a turd.

Monday, August 28, 2006

The King Of All BS'ers

This John Mark Karr dude has got a set made of titanium. Shit, he was about to get pinched in Thailand and what does he do? He sets his own ass up as being there when little Jon Benet got killed. And what did he win? A free trip home, and more importantly, out of Thailand! Let me put it this way. Those towel heads were naked and stacked up and doing their impression of a pile of shit in Abu Gharib are still glad they weren't doing time in a Thai prison.
Karr was kicking around looking for a teaching job in Thailand. He insisted on working with little girls, even going so far as sending some of his kiddy porn collection as part of his resume. (I'm telling you, he's got balls.) But when his funds got low, he wanted to come back to America. And given the pussy-fied nature of our penal system, he's counting on getting out of jail and walking his perverted ass down the streets of your hometown, looking for fresh meat. Instead, he should be put down, like a half-blind rabid dog that insists on humping your leg. Show me 5, shit, make it 3, rehabilitated child molesters, and I'll show you 3 of the best liars you ever met. You see, they can't be rehabilitated. Once that shit gets into your system, you're stuck with that like a crack monkey on the back of a chicken-head whore.
So, here we are. Mr. Karr got a free ride home because his DNA didn't match, the press is looking even more idiotic than we originally thought, and he's going to do some misdemeanor time before he starts his bottom feeding at your kid's daycare. You sensitive bitches brought this shit on yourselves.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Horrifying Beating Of A Dead Horse

Did you know that the guy who claims to have been in the room when Jon Benet Ramsey died is in custody?
Apparently, this just isn't good enough for the media. John Mark Karr actually held a press conference to admit his involvement. This isn't good enough for the press though. They seem to feel that we need to know more.
So far, we've heard that he is a pedophile. But the boys at CNN, Fox, MSNBC, et al think we need even more information. These assholes have told us everything about Karr, including shit no one cares about. For instance, he writes poetry to dead little girls, he married a little girl and the kicker, he was obsessed with little girls. You made your fucking point, Anderson Cooper. He's a creepy fucker, probably the king of all creepy fuckers. But until someone gets a DNA sample, we can move on to other things, like Iraqis blowing up shit and Iranians wanting to nuke us. Anything but Jon Benet or John Mark Karr. Please. I'd even listen to the stock report. Hey, Rita Cosby, look over there - it's a hurricane you can talk about in that raspy, but not sexy, voice of yours. I'm so tired of hearing about this shit, I kind of wish he'd strangle and rape (in that order) your sorry investigative asses.
Remember the summer of 2001, when you all discussed Chandra Levy to no fucking end? The sad part is that the only thing that ended that misery was the attacks of 9/11. Seriously, it took a bunch of hijacked planes to end what you called news and I called "bullshit speculation".
So I'm pleading, begging. Move on. Find something that actually affects my life. Find another pedophile. That dude on Dateline can catch all kinds of perverts for you.
Speaking of perverts and pedophiles, a girl who was abducted in Austria 8 years ago recently escaped her captor. This dickhead had the girl locked in a basement with a sink, toilet and books. Once Mr. Trenchcoat realized his life of little girl molestation was going to be exposed, he threw himself under a train. That would've been a cool thing to see on YouTube.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Rally For Polygamy

This has got to be one of the weirdest things I've seen on the news in a while. A bunch of teenage children of polygamists spoke at a rally in Utah. Attended by a crowd of about 250 supporters, the teenagers gave only their first names to protect their law breaking parents.

After the success of the rally, the following events have been scheduled around the country.
Concert For Pedophilia, Bangkok, Thailand
Support Your Local Drunk Driver Fundraiser, Washington, DC
Terrorists Anti-Defamation League Bowling Tournament, Lansing, Michigan
Christians For Embezzling, Houston, TX
Republican National Convention, Check Local Listings

Friday, August 18, 2006

What A Dick!!

Spc. Joe Darby has become the poster child of whistleblowers. In case you aren't familiar with this dude, he was stationed in Iraq a couple of years ago at Abu Ghraib after a shooting had taken place. He asked Spec. Charles Graner for photos of the site where the shooting took place, but Graner, not much of a "labeler", gave Darby two CD's of the wrong pics. When he looked at what he got, Darby supposedly thought it over for a while and turned over the now infamous photos of prisoners being abused and put in compromising situations. Graner felt a brief moment of relief when he realized he hadn't given Darby the photos of his sexual liason with that manly chick he eventually knocked up.
The Army, not necessarily distinguished when it comes to keeping promises (ask anyone who has enlisted in the last 30 years), assured Darby that his identity would be kept secret. Obviously, it didn't take a lot of smarts to know that once the shit hit the fan, Darby and his family would be ostracized by his fellow soldiers.
A few months go by and the pictures cause quite an outcry from the media, the left, the right, Dubya Bush, and whoever else was on their high horse that day. Even the military pretended to be ashamed of it.
The kicker came as Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld testified to a congressional committee. The dickweed publicly thanked Joe Darby for his courageous act of ratting out his fellow soldiers. In essence he ratted out the rat. Then, in an act of real turdness, gave a half-hearted Urkel "did I do that?" for his faux pas. Are we to assume that Rummy wasn't told that the guy didn't want his name revealed? If you believe that, then you aren't very smart.
I know that people are upset at Darby. Some support him. Either way, you have to agree that Rumsfeld was a real prick. Just like the bitch he is, he couldn't wait to spill the beans on the guy that ruined his fun. And blabbing the informant's name has resulting in Darby being put in the Army's version of the witness protection program at this point. His wife has to wear "Groucho glasses" so she won't be recognized at the PX. So let's put the shoe on the other foot.
I'm calling on all of you out there who have some dirt on Donald Rumsfeld to come forth and share with us. If you're the hooker that blew him in an elevator, let us know. If he screwed you out of job so that his nephew could get it, tell us about it. Let's face it, the guy is a dick.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Viral Videos

First off, viral videos are not sexually tranmitted porn. Even so, I've got to admit I like watching people do dumb shit. Whether it's a choreographed dance routine on treadmills or a woman freaking out on kids in the back of a truck, it's funny. If you're not familiar with viral videos, check out You Tube, Break or Ebaum's World.
Imagine "America's Funniest Videos" without the wacky sound effects and a lot more interesting. There are vids of teenagers beating the shit out of each other, crazy people yelling at the camera, stunts, clips of Japanese hidden camera shows, etc. Those guys who figured out that Mentos and Diet Coke are a great combination got popular when their clips started going around on the Viral Video Circuit. (By the way, at what point did these tools stop jerking off long enough to think of ways to using sodas to simulate ejaculation?)
These clips are great conversation fodder, but then there's always that jackass who will say, "Dude, that's shit is old! I saw the guy eating a turd like four months ago!" Translated to english, he's saying, "I'm a tool that surfs the net all day long!"
So, to you who love videos of people doing dangerous stuff like practicing unsafe sex, I encourage you to get out your cameras so the rest of us can share the fun. We'll be watching.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Terrorists Make Me Work Harder

The dipshits that were caught this week planning to blow up planes from London to the U.S. make me mad. I had just filled up my woman's bottle full of my special "all natural" cream rinse, and now the T.S.A. weenies took it from her. Does anyone realize how long it took to fill that container for a trip to England? Somewhere in Heathrow airport is a trashcan with my "man-seed" in it. How crazy is that?
Next time, she'll just have to keep it in her mouth until she gets past security. That's the only way we'll defeat these terrorists.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Paris Takes The Pressure Off Of Me To Put Out

Okay, fellas, here's the big news. Paris Hilton, that sweet young hotel heiress, has announced to the world, via press conference, that her snatch is off limits for the next year. Adding insult to injury, she says she's only going to be kissing boys during the twelve month period. That means no hummers, handjobs or mutual masturbation (whatever the hell that is). You can count on the "dirty sanchez" being out of the question as well.
Paris, the little minx, has claimed that she has only bumped uglies with two guys in her life. If this is true, her luck must suck ass, because one of the dudes videotaped them and it ended up being one of the most popular sex flicks on the web. I have to admit, she did give quite a "skull-job" on that shitty tape, but the production values were horrible. Perhaps Paris needs to get boned by Tarantino, Scorsese or Coppola next time,to truly show off her sucking abilities. I suggest a soft lens with better lighting.
This all brings me to the most obvious question of the 21st century. What was going through her pea-brain when she announced her celibacy in the first place? You know, she could've gone through the next year just giving blue balls without making a point of letting everyone know that was her plan. She could've just gone out with some guy and said, "I'm not in the mood" or "Sorry, I'm on the rag." I've heard it all before. Don't worry, Paris, I'm not going to date rape you.
But no, you couldn't settle for that. So now, every guy that's seen with her will either acknowledge that he's whacking it when he gets home, or he'll act as if he's going to be the first guy to hit it since her celibacy announcement. What guy in his right mind is going to be seen with this chick? Lance Bass, that's who.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Mel Gibson Is A Terrorist Lover

Piling on. It's what we love to do. You get some idiot, raise him or her to stratospheric levels, then knock them down first chance you get. Next, the press and public pile on and give sweeping "what were you thinking?" diatribes.
When you consider that our newest victim of this sick game is Mel Gibson, star of such classics as "What Women Want", "The Chili Con Carne Club", and of course, "Hamlet", well, it's just lovely.
It's old news at this point, but to recap, Mel got drunk and decided to drive home. When he got pulled by the cops, he went into the old Gibson rant about how horrible the Jews are.
There are obvious problems here. First of all, what drunk get pulled and goes on an anti-Semitic rant? I'd be mustering up all of my "Hairy Carrot Powers" to convince the officer that I'm sober, not questioning his ethnicity.
Secondly, Mel's been accused of not liking Jews in the past, but he used his charms to convince us that it just wasn't true. I admit, I even fell for his wily ways and dreamy good looks (not).
Third, he's genetically predisposed. You see, his daddy, Hutton Gibson, is a loony Jew hater too. Mel came to Papa Hutton's defense in a Barbara Walters interview during the promotion of "The Passion of the Christ". When asked about his father's views, Mel said, "Don't go there, Barbara." Being the hard-hitting journalist that she is, Babs gave in like a crackwhore at an adult bookstore.
Hutton doesn't even think that Islamic terrorists were responsible for 9/11. Hmm, he defends terrorists and hates Jews. You know, the fruit probably doesn't fall far from the tree. Shit, I used to believe a lot of my dad's bullshit, like the time he said he'd spend some quality time with me. But I'm not scarred, honest!!!
Mel, dry out, go to rehab, start the Hutton Gibson Home for Aged Jews, or whatever. Just don't try to bullshit us with those dreamy blue eyes. We won't fall for it again.