Okay, fellas, here's the big news. Paris Hilton, that sweet young hotel heiress, has announced to the world, via press conference, that her snatch is off limits for the next year. Adding insult to injury, she says she's only going to be kissing boys during the twelve month period. That means no hummers, handjobs or mutual masturbation (whatever the hell that is). You can count on the "dirty sanchez" being out of the question as well.
Paris, the little minx, has claimed that she has only bumped uglies with two guys in her life. If this is true, her luck must suck ass, because one of the dudes videotaped them and it ended up being one of the most popular sex flicks on the web. I have to admit, she did give quite a "skull-job" on that shitty tape, but the production values were horrible. Perhaps Paris needs to get boned by Tarantino, Scorsese or Coppola next time,to truly show off her sucking abilities. I suggest a soft lens with better lighting.
This all brings me to the most obvious question of the 21st century. What was going through her pea-brain when she announced her celibacy in the first place? You know, she could've gone through the next year just giving blue balls without making a point of letting everyone know that was her plan. She could've just gone out with some guy and said, "I'm not in the mood" or "Sorry, I'm on the rag." I've heard it all before. Don't worry, Paris, I'm not going to date rape you.
But no, you couldn't settle for that. So now, every guy that's seen with her will either acknowledge that he's whacking it when he gets home, or he'll act as if he's going to be the first guy to hit it since her celibacy announcement. What guy in his right mind is going to be seen with this chick? Lance Bass, that's who.