Friday, September 29, 2006

School Violence

What in the hell are people thinking of when they start shooting up schools and shit? In the last couple of days, a principal has been killed in Wisconsin and a teenage girl was killed in Colorado.
The Colorado case was especially fucked up. Duane Morrison, a complete loser with some serious mental problems (documented or not), went into a school, held six teenage girls hostage and molested some or all of them before releasing four of the girls. Of the two remaining, one girl managed to get a way from Morrison, who claimed he had a bomb. Then the asshole shot the other girl in the back of the head before offing himself. What a guy!
Of course, after the incident, it was revealed that this cocksucker had sent his brother a letter that consisted of fourteen pages of his ramblings. In a nutshell, the letter's theme was one of "woe to me". Fucking crybaby.
"My life is sooooo bad. Everyone is mean to me." I have no sympathy or understanding for you or your sad life. Look around, bastard, because there are a lot of people who have it worse and they're not whining like a little bitch, or worse, killing cute girls.
The other case in Wisconsin, involved a student shooting his principal to death. His motive had something to do with being upset due to a possible suspension from school. What was this dick being suspended for? Having tobacco on school grounds.
I didn't know you weren't allowed to have tobacco. Hell, when I was in high school, we actually had a "smoking concourse" where students were encouraged to go to smoke. And those kids were a lot more fun to hang with that the preppy little bitches. Of course, while I was taking trigonometry and college prep English, they were taking masonry and remedial math, but it didn't matter.
I think the cure for this shit is two-pronged and completely diametric. First off, we need to take the stick out of our own asses on shit like smoking and drinking. If that's the worst you can do, we'll handle it somehow. Secondly, we need to start beating the shit out of people that are just fucked up. If you can't behave (and I can only venture a guess that Mr. Morrison had already proved in some way that he was a threat to others), then you either go to Afghanistan and kill terrorists, or we drop you in the ocean and let you fight your deep seeded mental problems in the watery depths. Either way, I'm sick of you and the overly tolerant pussies that take up for your bullshit.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Playing Us Like A Cheap Violin

I'm going to keep this short, mainly because I'll go fucking crazy if I keep thinking about Hugo Chavez.
In case you don't know who this asshole is, he's the Presidente of Venezuela, which is sending us about a quarter of our foreign oil. That means he has us by about a quarter of our short hairs, as well. A while back, Pat Robertson, the wacky preacher with the funny little drinking problem, stated that the U.S. should go ahead and have Chavez assassinated. Very Christian, indeed!
Anyway, Hugo came to New York on Wednesday and declared George Bush "the devil". He even said that the smell of sulfur was still on the podium from Bush' s speech the day before. So much for diplomacy.
Condoleeza Rice, speaking for the administration, said she wasn't going to "dignify the remarks" with a reply. Taking the high road shit is for the birds in this instance, whether you think Bush is Lucifer himself, or just a lieutenant in the evil army of Hades. Personally, I think his daddy got him preferential treatment and he was in the Satanic National Guard, flying decommissioned planes from Texas to Florida, but that's another story.
The day after Hugo's speech, he went to Harlem, where he played up his new program. What was this new program, you ask? Heating fuel for poor Americans.
I know we are screwed when we let a foreigner come here, insult our president, then start a program that our own government should be doing in the first place. Maybe we can let the Iranians feed the poor or the North Koreans could staff our military. Sounds like we solve a lot of problems that way.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Top Ten Reasons I Drink

10. Chicks don't give me lovin' the way I like.
9. Vitamin C sucks without vodka.
8. They wouldn't have called it "happy hour" unless it really made you happy.
7. Eases me into those brief moments of false hope.
6. I'm still bitter about the Iranian hostage crisis.
5. I'm still bitter about the Beatles breakup.
4. I look better in the mirror.
3. It's legal (for now).
2. Bush quit and look how he turned out.
1. All the cool kids are doing it!

Friday, September 15, 2006

The Raciest Survivor Of Them All

"Survivor", has gone to new lengths to revive its ratings by dividing the contestants along racial lines. I don't have a problem with this. In the past, the show has seperated the teams by sex. Most of the time, the black team members tend to hang out together anyway, just like real life.
One thing that struck me as interesting, though, was how annoying a bunch of honkies (the "Raro" tribe") can be when they're together. One dude actually stole a chicken from the Asian team, only to watch his teammate set it free. CBS must have edited out the "stupid bitch" comments that were exclaimed in unison around the world when she lifted the box that the bird was under. Like my papa always said, "Choke a chicken before some broad ruins your good time."
Actually, I don't even think the Hispanic ("Aitu") team auditioned for the show. They were probably standing on a corner looking for work when a pickup truck came by and carted their asses off to the Cook Islands.
"Puka", which obviously translates to "we can put a boat together faster than the rest of you" kicked everyone's ass in the challenge. They did this because Mr. Miyagi saved the day by curing his teammate's sinus headache. His technique - pulling the dude's septum out far enough to give him the Asian "Jaime Farr" look temporarily.
The black team, known as "Hiki", or as Snoop would say, "Shi-ziki", came in last in the challenge, thus having to vote one of their own off the island. Before they went, Hiki got to exile another contestant to Spank Island (hey, what would you do by yourself for two days with nothing but water and rice?). The highlight of the evening was when the funky soul brother chose "da guy dat stole da chicken". Turnabout being fair play, his team tossed his ass during tribal council. (Note: How come no two spellings of the names voted off were the same? ie, Sundra, Sondra, Seiko, Seku, Oh Say Can You See)
On a personal note, I called my bookie to find out the spread on the Honky victory, but got no response. And I've heard that the winner will challenge the lesbian Eskimos ("Klon-dykee") next season.
I'll keep you updated as the stupidity continues. In the meantime, we at the Hairy Carrot Institute will try to figure out why the tribes keep getting names that sound like vaginal infections.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Revenge Is Best Served In Salt Water

Steve Irwin died last week from a stingray barb in the heart. Tragic. What's worse is that at least 10 stingrays have been found killed since his death. Irwin's own animal conservation group has publicly asked people to stop murdering the rays, who probably didn't know what a big celebrity he was.
Didn't Al Qaeda blow up a bunch of Australians in Bali or someplace a couple of years ago? Did the Aussies take the shrimp off the barbie and start killing Muslims, innocent or not? I don't think so. So why start killing wildllife because the Crocodile hunter got his ticker pierced?
Actually, stingrays could be considered "mild-life", because they rarely attack anyone unless frightened, kind of like the nerdy kid in school that got verbally harassed and snaps. Columbine was all about geeks getting pushed around by the "cool" kids.
And this is why I've always said you shouldn't fuck with anyone unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it. That little guy sitting in the corner and picking his nose could probably beat your sorry ass in half a minute, but you're talking shit to your friends about how you could take him down anyway. Then you find out the hard way he's a black belt in karate or he's mental.
Wildlife is called so for a reason. Animals don't use reason or logic. If they feel threatened, they defend themselves. Even my stupid cat, whom I feed and pet, attack my legs when he gets that crazy look in his eye. (Of course, cutting off his nuts probably pissed him off some too.)
Animals don't sweat the consequences of their actions. They don't think that some dick is going to come looking for them. And the stupid Australians need to know that. And that the stingray "godfather" has put a bounty on their heads.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

An Open Letter To The Terrorists

Alright, assholes, you got us with our pants down. We admit it. We weren't looking and you sucker punched us square in the nuts. But let's look at the things now.

Did you know that your boys flying the planes went to a titty bar the night before the attacks? Were they trying to find the 72 virgins? And I understand they ran up quite a bar tab and charged it to the Al Quaeda credit card. Do you guys have a corporate Visa or Amex? Did your holy clerics that ordered the attacks get upset these guys were getting drunk and bonered up their last night on earth, instead of reciting prayers and fasting?

Now you want us to convert to Islam. It ain't gonna happen, pal. You obviously haven't ever dealt with the likes of Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell or Robert "Fartin' Bob" Tilton. They aren't quite right in the head, but they aren't going to jump ship either. From what I understand, Robertson could drink us all under the table and then kick the president of Venezuela in the ass, all in the name of the Lord.

We're not changing our society to yours either. Frankly, we went through the dark ages once before, and it was highlighted by the bubonic plague. Also, since we've progressed to the point where we have sewage and you're still shitting in a cave, I think we have the initiative to fight back on that one as well.

And while I'm thinking about, we really like our porn. Which brings me back to the 72 virgins. I've had a virgin or two in my time, and for the most part, it was kind of lame. The upside is that they don't have anything to compare you to, so you can give a shitty performance (or be a quick nut) and they don't know the difference. Plus, you don't have to worry about diseases. However, they rarely suck the dick and want to "experiment", if you know what I mean. I like an aggressive woman, who'll put my balls in her mouth and scream "Make me come!". In a recent Hairy Carrot survey of 72 virgins, zero said they'd do that. So, if you're into virgins, enjoy, but we don't have any, so leave us alone, Quick Nut.

You say you want to take back your lands, all the way to Spain? What the fuck are you thinking of? When did you have Spain? I seriously doubt you had your hand in the Ottoman Empire. Even they didn't shit in caves.

Personally, I think Bush has been too nice to you. On September 12, 2001 (when we were gettng condolences from around the world and every country was eating out of our hands), I would've gotten on the phone with China and Russia and said, "Hey boys, let's use our atomic weapons for some target practice." Afghanistan would be a parking garage when I was finished. And this would have been a great time to use some of our other weapons, like the neutron bomb, which is considered "clean" because it just kills living things and leaves building intact. No muss, no fuss.

And this is why the American public is getting a little pissy with Bush right now. He's taken his eye off the main objective when he could've gotten rid of you dumbfucks years ago. You're like a gnat that keeps flying around my face when I'm cutting my lawn. (Sorry, I forgot you don't know what the hell a lawn is.) Anyway, I'd get some bug spray and kill all of the insects out in the yard. I'll see if maybe we can do the same for you.

Regards,
Hairy Carrot

PS. I fucked your mom last night.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Katie Couric Is Just Sooo Cute!

Tonight was the big debut of the "CBS Evening News, Starring Katie Couric." Okay, I don't know if "starring" is in the actual title, but it really doesn't matter. I watched, just to see if it was really news or if she was going to make it really gay, like "The View".
Did you know Couric made television history by being the first (and hottest) widow to be a network news anchor? Who knew she had it in her?
She led off with a story about the Taliban. It was interesting, but honestly, the only reason I'm watching the CBS Evening News is because of war fatigue. How ironic!
Personally, I think she should've added some subliminal porn footage in between stories on Iraq, the economy and editorials. That's right, I said "editorials"!! Just as the public outcry for Evander Holyfield comebacks filled the air in the 1990's (according to Holyfield, himself), so are the people begging for editorials. And Katie is so desperate, she's even asked Rush Limbaugh to do one.
According to the Rush-man, she met his conditions to appear on the show. One of them was a $500 gift certificate to Ryan's Steakhouse, so fatass could put a dent in the mega-bar. The other condition was that there would be no debating, refuting or equal time for opposing opinions. Sounds like his boring-ass radio show to me, but now you have to physically turn away from that mug of his. Thankfully, this will be a one-time gig.
My personal advice for Katie is this: When you're sitting there, reading the news, unbutton your blouse every 10 minutes or so, making comments like, "it sure is getting warm in here with all this hot news". You keep a lot of loyal viewers that way. Between that and the subliminal porn, you'll do great.