Saturday, September 09, 2006

An Open Letter To The Terrorists

Alright, assholes, you got us with our pants down. We admit it. We weren't looking and you sucker punched us square in the nuts. But let's look at the things now.

Did you know that your boys flying the planes went to a titty bar the night before the attacks? Were they trying to find the 72 virgins? And I understand they ran up quite a bar tab and charged it to the Al Quaeda credit card. Do you guys have a corporate Visa or Amex? Did your holy clerics that ordered the attacks get upset these guys were getting drunk and bonered up their last night on earth, instead of reciting prayers and fasting?

Now you want us to convert to Islam. It ain't gonna happen, pal. You obviously haven't ever dealt with the likes of Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell or Robert "Fartin' Bob" Tilton. They aren't quite right in the head, but they aren't going to jump ship either. From what I understand, Robertson could drink us all under the table and then kick the president of Venezuela in the ass, all in the name of the Lord.

We're not changing our society to yours either. Frankly, we went through the dark ages once before, and it was highlighted by the bubonic plague. Also, since we've progressed to the point where we have sewage and you're still shitting in a cave, I think we have the initiative to fight back on that one as well.

And while I'm thinking about, we really like our porn. Which brings me back to the 72 virgins. I've had a virgin or two in my time, and for the most part, it was kind of lame. The upside is that they don't have anything to compare you to, so you can give a shitty performance (or be a quick nut) and they don't know the difference. Plus, you don't have to worry about diseases. However, they rarely suck the dick and want to "experiment", if you know what I mean. I like an aggressive woman, who'll put my balls in her mouth and scream "Make me come!". In a recent Hairy Carrot survey of 72 virgins, zero said they'd do that. So, if you're into virgins, enjoy, but we don't have any, so leave us alone, Quick Nut.

You say you want to take back your lands, all the way to Spain? What the fuck are you thinking of? When did you have Spain? I seriously doubt you had your hand in the Ottoman Empire. Even they didn't shit in caves.

Personally, I think Bush has been too nice to you. On September 12, 2001 (when we were gettng condolences from around the world and every country was eating out of our hands), I would've gotten on the phone with China and Russia and said, "Hey boys, let's use our atomic weapons for some target practice." Afghanistan would be a parking garage when I was finished. And this would have been a great time to use some of our other weapons, like the neutron bomb, which is considered "clean" because it just kills living things and leaves building intact. No muss, no fuss.

And this is why the American public is getting a little pissy with Bush right now. He's taken his eye off the main objective when he could've gotten rid of you dumbfucks years ago. You're like a gnat that keeps flying around my face when I'm cutting my lawn. (Sorry, I forgot you don't know what the hell a lawn is.) Anyway, I'd get some bug spray and kill all of the insects out in the yard. I'll see if maybe we can do the same for you.

Hairy Carrot

PS. I fucked your mom last night.


Anonymous said...

you forgot to ask something....why did they do what they did?

An honest answer please. No more of your "they are jealous of us" or "Islam domination" anymore.

Hairy Carrot said...

Anonymous wants to know "Why did they do what they did?" That's not that a tough of a question. However, it's not a simple "they hate our freedoms" answer. It's more of a case of them not liking our successes, wealth, influence in the world, etc. A large part has to do with our foreign policies in the middle east. Not a quick or easy explanation, but one that could be extrapolated on end for hours.