Friday, October 27, 2006

Shooting Guards

NBA Commissioner David Stern sent out an edict (more of a request) to his players this week in which he said he wants guns left at home. Huh?
What brought this about was an incident this month involving several Indiana Pacers. Seems these nice upstanding young men were at a titty bar until about 3am, got into some sort of an argument, and decided to take matters into their own hands. Of course, the argument followed them to the parking lot where their posse, weed (which belonged to the posse, wink, wink) and guns happened to be. Shots were fired, blah, blah, blah.
I'm not implying all NBA players love titty bars, guns, weed and their posses. But there is a lot of this shit going on. How does this relate to the average Joe on the street, or more importantly, me?
Well, on a personal note, I love titties, but I avoid titty bars. In the deep south, they're referred to as "titty flops", because the titties flop. You leave one and your drunk, broke and horny. Trust me, I don't need their help in any of these three areas.
I don't own a gun, because I'd probably shoot every dumb fuck in traffic. Keep pulling out in front of me and I'll get a gun, dumbshit.
Weed isn't a big deal to me. I'd rather hang with a stoner than a drunk, if you must know the truth. Drunks get aggressive and annoy me. Stoners sit on the couch and watch Star Trek for hours at a time.
And finally, I have friends. I don't call them my posse and I don't like moochers, which is what an NBA posse is.
Stern, the poor shit, has to put up with this crap all the time. When was the last time you heard of the NFL or MLB commissioner asking their players not to pack heat? Never, because it doesn't happen.
Shit, I need a shiv.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Top GOP Leaders Love Homos

Did you know that the Republican National Committe sends out daily talking points? And that those talking points are distributed through the Drudge Report? It's true. The Drudge Report is used as a conservative clearing house of " information" for media outlets like Fox News, Rush, Hannity and other "fair and balanced" pundits.
The problem is that Drudge, who ironically made his mark on the world by breaking the Clinton blowjob story, has himself,been long rumored to be a dick smoker for years. This means that while the Republicans have been on the defensive during the Mark Foley scandal and telling everyone how distasteful the whole thing is, gay conservatives have been coming out of the woodwork and saying how they still love their party. And the party loves them. And all the while, the big mouths on the radio are getting all their talking points from some rump ranger.
These are the big mouths that tell everyone how gay marriage is a horrible threat to straight marriage and that gays are sinners. Family values is what it's all about.
So, yesterday, Bush went to Ohio and campaigned on behalf of a congressman who had an affair and is trying to defend himself against charges that he beat his mistress. (Damn family values!)When Bush was asked how he could support such a man, he made some lame comment about how we're all sinners and deserve forgiveness.
Except the fags. Unless their voting. That when he loves 'em. And he loves Matt Drudge.
Conservative fudge packers, unite!!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Chris Rock's Mama And Al Sharpton

Last spring, Chris Rock's mother and sister went into a Cracker Barrel restaurant. That's where the trouble started. Supposedly, the two were seated and then ignored for over 30 minutes. Feeling slighted on the basis of their blackness, they complained. The manager apologized (said they were changing shifts) and offered them free meals, but as you probably know, that wasn't good enough. So now, Mrs. Rock has called Al Sharpton and she is suing Cracker Barrel.
Let's set the record straight, or as some might say, "skrate". It's a "Cracker" Barrel, bitch! Would you try to get a room at a "Honky Hotel"? Probably. And then you'd piss and moan about that, too. Hows about I go to a soul food place and have everyone stare at me? Like the scene in "Animal House" when the Deltas went to see Otis Day and the Knights. But then I'll sue the ass off of the brother that owns it because I've been singled out due to my honkiness. Sounds grand!!
And you want to know something? I've been through the same shit all up and down the Grand Skrand. It's called Shitty Service. It has nothing to do with race or creed or color. It's all about people having shitty paying jobs and not giving a damn. Hell, I'm a whitey and I've been left to my own devices in upscale seafood joints, Mexican restaurants and those stupid "three and a meat" dumps.
So, get over yourselves and quit complaining. I'm sure Chris will have some rant about this on his next HBO special. "My mutha fucking mother wasn't served at a Cracker Barrel because of the color of her skin and this is 2006. How fucked up is dat!" I'll remember this all next time the little black girl at McDonald's doesn't remember my fries. "I'm oppressed, bitch!"

Friday, October 13, 2006

Who Do You Trust?

When you go to work, do you trust your co-workers not to screw you over? Those backstabbing bastards. How about going into a job interview? Will you really get the position you wanted with the perks? Maybe, maybe not. The most notorious in this category is military recruiters. "We'll make sure you get to flight school and be stationed in Hawaii."
Politicians are the kings of all bullshitters. Think about it. Ever try to get several thousand (or million) voters to pick your name out of a group? If I were to run for office, I'd be honest about it. "Vote for me and I'll be the biggest whore in the world. All you have to do is line my pockets with cash." It happens anyway, so it's best to tell the truth up front. It's called integrity.
Can you trust the butcher? Not at my grocery store. I buy meat, put it in the freezer and thaw it out a couple of days later. It smells of ass because it probably wasn't fresh in the first place. I slaughter the neighbors' pets nowadays.
Of course, we've found out that you can't trust your congressman with your kid. And that's because Representative Cock Gobbler (R-Fl) ruined that for us too.
What's the lesson from all of this? Don't rely on anyone else, except for your gut and Hairy Carrot.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Temporary Loss Of Common Sense

I've been out of touch for the last week or so. Seems Mama Carrot wasn't feeling too hot, so being the great son that I am, I went to visit her and help her get on her feet again. This blog will return in all of it's glory on Friday to make fun of somebody. Probably her. Or you. Or the cock gobbler Foley who has literally "blown it" for his party.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

GOP Congress Literally Covers Its Ass

Let's say that you are a social conservative and you think that the Republican held Congress is just neato. You think Bush is okey dokey and, gosh darn it, those homosexuals are going straight to hell.
Now you find out that a Congressman likes to email dirty messages to little boys, and worse, his attorney tells the media (liberal and Fox) that he's gay. "By the way, did we mention he was molested by a clergyman and he's a drunk?" Can this get even better?
Well, it seems it can, and it will. The GOP leaders in the House of Representatives were informed a year ago that Rep. Foley was inappropirately corresponding with pages. Taking a note from the Catholic church and NAMBLA, they decided to sweep it under the rug and hope it would go away. It didn't go away. Now those leaders want you to remember that they are just as concerned about social conservatism as much as you are, with the exception of older men wanting to bugger teen boys in the their butts.
The not-so-surprising thing is that the pages saved the emails and instant messages just like Monica saved that dress with Slick Willie's man-seed on it. Hard copies of the messages appeared on ABC News' website.
Barney Frank, who has been the official sphincter boy of Congress for the past decade, is "laying low" (no pun intended) while Speaker Hastert bends over backward (intended) to keep his job. Now here's a scandal we can all enjoy, unless you're a page.
My summary: Republicans and Democrats are both perverts, so vote for a third party.