Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Kramer Is A People Person

Can you guess what that hard sucking sound is? No, it's not Chuck Amato's career at NC State, but you're close. It's the career of another stupid bastard, Michael Richards. He's the guy that went off on some black hecklers at a comedy club in Los Angeles last Friday night.
"You are a nigger!" he ranted over and over while the audience waited for a punchline. When they didn't get one, they realized the guy on the stage had gone nuts and was having a true meltdown. So what did the audience do while the guy is freaking out? Well, they videotaped him with their cellphones, of course. And with a good dose of commentary from the director of the video.
"Oh my god!" she gasped, as if to never heard the n-word before.
After become fodder for YouTube, Kramer found out what a bunch of shit he stepped into. His agent also saw his income dry up for the next ten years, so a magnificently choreographed publicity coup was staged on the Letterman Show (which still is much better than Leno, by the way).
What evolved was possibly the most awkward apology ever seen by man. Richards contorted and showed what a dork he really is by showing disgust in himself and the "crap I said". He even acknowledged that Letterman had poked fun at the incident, but it really wasn't something to joke about. He should have just cried like Jimmy Swaggart after he got busted for that "funny little whore" thing.
What surprised me was his lack of range when it comes to racial epithets. "You are a nigger!" isn't that original and shows his limits. For instance, he could have referred to the hecklers as any of the following: Coon, colored, blue gum, sambo, porch monkey or denyer of pussy eating. Afterall, they called him a "crackerass muthafucka". Shoe fits, dude.
During his apology, he cried, "But I'm not a racist." Really? He was spewing them out like a professional. Kind of like when the chick in the porno plays a virgin, but you know that real virgins don't suck dick and get ass fucked on the first date. Let's just say Richards gave himself away.
And speaking of apologies, Al Sharpton said that it wasn't good enough (none ever are) because it came on a "white show", referring in his own idiotic way to Letterman. The only thing that will make Al satisfied is when Richards serves Chris Rock's mama at the Cracker Barrel. And who the fuck died and elected Al "Crackhead" Sharpton president of the "Afro-americans" anyway?
I always liked the guy's work. How's about some predictions from the Hairy Carrot nation on where we'll see him 5 years from now. Post your thoughts in the comments section below.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Santa Visits The Geeks

For the last few days, or in some cases, weeks, losers everywhere have been camping out in front of electronic stores in eager anticipation of Sony's Playstation 3. Yippee!!! I'm sure there's an idiot stroking it right this second just considering having a new PS3.
And gamers everywhere finally have a reason for social interaction, even if it means telling a compatriot the most comfortable way to sleep on sidewalk.
Sony has scored the marketing coup of the year by having "production problems" which in effect means that there might not be enough machines to go around. Talk about drumming up demand, and in turn, lines around Circuit City.
But does an electronic store really want people sleeping in front of their store? Some might, if they want the publicity. A smart bum could kick ass if they played their cards right. For instance, set up camp in front of a store, and then auction off your place in line to the highest bidder. There's a lot of Thunderbird to be had, my homeless amigos.
Speaking of auctions, some of these folks have plans for their PS3 machines, like taking them home and putting them up for bid on Ebay. I'm all about making a profit, especially off of geeky guys and gals. And Ebay is the place to dump stuff people want. My theory on Ebay is that when you become the "winning bidder", you're actually the losing bidder. That's because you have agreed to pay more than anyone else thought the item was worth. Dumbass. Like that sandwich that had an image of the Virgin Mary on it. Oh yeah, that was worth thousands of dollars. All that did was entice asshole around the globe to put sandwiches on Ebay.
Back to our subject, these dorks that slept in front of Best Buy for days are the same dummies that won't wait 30 minutes to be seated at Outback for a lovely ribeye. Probably the same reason they can't get mates either. I guess speed dating is out of the question.
If you are one of these people that doesn't think you're life is completely fulfilled until you have the newest in electronic gaming, then let the Hairy Carrot give you some advice:
1. Get a life. You're a loser and Sony is playing you like a cheap violin.
2. Get laid. This might be impossible for you, given your "condition", but birds of a feather flock together and all that shit. You might actually be able to "hook up" with someone of the opposite sex without using cables.
3. If you must wait in line, make life as miserable as possible for those in line in front of you. Offer free beverages, like beer or coffee. Both make people piss a lot and have to leave the line. And be open to leaving turds in hard to find places. No one wants to smell your ass, even if a PS3 is 40 feet away.
4. Bring porno magazines to distract the others when the doors of the store actually open.
5. Remember, the only thing worse than a geek is a geek "wannabe". Leave the fucking comic books at home
Maybe this will help you out, but I seriously doubt it.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

A Real Change Of Leadership

Now that the mid-term elections are behind us (mercifully), the 2008 Presidential race has started to take shape. Sen. John McCain, a POW in Vietnam, and Rudy Giuliani, former Mayor of New York when the 9/11 attacks happened, have both announced they are forming exploratory committees for their presidential aspirations. In other words, they're running for President, but they have to get their ducks in a row.
We can expect more little weasel politicians to come out of the woodwork in the next few months. Hillary, John Edwards (who could actually win), John Kerry (stick a fork in this dumbass, he's done) will all run. I can see a McCain/Giuliani ticket against an Edwards/Obama ticket. It'll be ugly, and of course, a lot depends on Iraq and other variables.
With this in mind, I'm considering an exploratory committee for my own run for office. President Hairy Carrot. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Hell, I'd even make the legendary Baron Spencer Von Dahmer my running mate. Of course, we'll have to see if he's available.
Over the next few blogs, I'll give you some of my positions, which are universal in nature.
For instance, we need to guarantee our personal freedoms. Like legalizing prostitution. Seriously, what is the difference between a whore and some skank you pick up in a bar, take home, bone, and leave $50 on the dresser to help her with her power bill? None. Does that make the bar skank a whore? You figure it out. And of course, you wouldn't kiss either one of them on the mouth.
Abortion? Raise the legal abortable age of a fetus to 18 years. I think we can all live with that, unless you're 15 years old and can't behave your sorry ass.
Estate taxes need to be done away with. If I bust my ass and horde half of the county, I should be able to give it to my offspring without them having to be shaken down by the IRS. Pricks.
Iran and North Korea need to be nipped in the ass, from now. What the fuck are we waiting for? Everybody knows that the North Koreans would sell a bomb to anyone to put some food on the table. The Chinese want to handle this, but screw that shit. And the Iranians are a boil on the ass of this planet. I say we give Israel the green light and our blessings to bomb both of these upstart nuke countries "Dresden style". Then, during an elaborate ceremony at the U.N., we present Israel with a check for $50. You know, to help with the power bill.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Frat Boys

Sometimes it's great when other people look like assholes. That's because I can do nothing and still come off as a pretty cool dude compared to them. And that's why I like frat boys so much. They're inherently dicks to begin with, but put me or the rest of the Hairy Carrot Nation next to them, and we look normal for a change.
So, it was no surprise to anyone when two Chi Psi fraternity brothers from the University of South Carolina decided to sue the producers of "Borat". You see, the movie was a fake documentary, but no one told these pricks the part about it being fake. They appear in the film making remarks about women and how slavery should make a comeback. I'm sure the local chapter of Alpha Phi Alpha will be coming to the guys' defense. (Here's another example of a few bad apples ruining it for the rest of us honkies.)
Now these two pussies are claiming that they were mislead about the project and they wouldn't have said all of those things if they were sober. Sounds like a Mel Gibson moment to me, but who am I to judge? I get drunk and talk shit, but it's usually in the form of "Hey, I love to bang frat boys' moms."
The point here is that they did, indeed, make the comments. It doesn't matter if they were drunk or high or sucking the glass dick. They said it. Just like those dumb whores that show their tits to "Girls Gone Wild" and then get upset. Fuck 'em. I did.
Frat boys hate being called "frat boys". Who cares what they like? I prefer to call them poor little drunks with trust funds, but it doesn't roll off the tongue as well. So if you're a frat boy and you want to change your image, don't support these racist fags. Shun them as if they were Latinos at your country club. Then, disavow your gay fraternities based on "Greek" culture. Trust me, real ethnic Greeks think you're all a bunch of sissy boys anyway, and so do the rest of us.

Friday, November 03, 2006

An Asian Girl's Favorite Holiday

The Hairy Carrot Mid-Term Election News Crew has been working hard on our picks for several offices. Our criteria was simple: vote for the person that won't screw up as much as the rest. Also, some just had better ads and didn't grate on our nerves as much as others. Some were pricks, so we tossed them aside. On the whole, we used a very scientific method.
For South Carolina Governor, we chose Mark Sanford, the incumbent. The main reason was that he's not a good ole boy redneck.
In Connecticut, we suggest Phil Maymin, the Libertarian. He's got the best commercial in this year's races. Watch and you'll see why we like him.
Overall, we don't like the Democrats nor the Republicans. They both suck ass hard, so out of disgust, we suggest you vote for a third party.
The Libertarian Party probably represents our sentiments the best. Most obvious is their stand on the legalization of drugs. Yippee!!!
So, next Wednesday, when you wake up and find that your tax dollars are still being whored out, just by a different set of whores, don't blame us.
And yes, Asian girls love "erection" day.