Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas, Ron Paul

Christmas has come and almost gone and I'm sitting here thinking about all the cool shit that people got for Christmas. Britney Spears' sister got a bun in her oven. I honestly didn't see that one coming. Jamie Lyn, or whatever the hell her name is, has had her own show on television for a while, and she seemed like she wasn't nearly as trashy as her older sister, but what the hell do I know? I guess someone forgot to tell her that there are two things in air that could get her pregnant - her legs! Damn, I love that joke.

And even though I've been staying away from the political shit for a reason, I've got to mention what a gift Ron Paul got this weekend. The darling of the Libertarians received his own 30 minutes on Meet Da Press and, boy, did he convince me of one thing. That is a crazy old bastard! Everytime Tim Russert would throw some shit in his face, he'd stand in there and take it like Ricky Hatton. Then he'd respond with some inane response like, "I never said that" or "I'm pretty sure I didn't say that." Oddly enough, he came off like your half-nuts grandpa that you still dig just because he acts stoned even when he's not.
Well, Mr. Paul, you got the endorsement of this Hairy Carrot. Use it in all of your advertisements, right next to your ending the war on drugs platform.

Ron Paul is also an ob/gyn, which means he needs to have a sit down with the Spears girls and perhaps promise them cabinet positions. Of course, Britney would say that the "cabinet" position hurts her knees.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Where Has The Time Gone?

It was just a few short weeks ago that I made my last entry. Since then, all kinds of cool shit has happened, so let's recap.

First of all, the writers are still are strike. I'm not sure what the other side is waiting for, but there are thousands of scabs waiting to be discovered. The producers are proving to be quite vagina-like in these talks and my advice to them is to hire me and others of my ilk, as well as actors who would like to be discovered as well. Then we can get on to the business of horrible sitcoms and late night skit shows just like before.

Possibly the biggest news of the year was the very rare appearance of the Baron. Unannounced, he waved to his fans at the North Myrtle Beach Christmas parade. People along the route were stunned (as well as confused) to see him wishing them good tidings for the season. One local reporter was noted as saying, "Wow. I didn't know the guy would show up for a little parade like this! This something I can tell my grand kids about."
The Baron was also reported to have seen his own shadow, which forebodes another six weeks of drunkenness.

One of my favorite new cable channels is VH1 Classic, which specializes in a lot of 80's hits. Boy, did that music suck. And the videos were equally as bad. Sure there are some diamonds in the rough, but mostly, they smell worse than my ass.
And VH1 Classic doesn't make it any better when they edit videos that we saw in their entirety the first time around. For instance, Dire Straits "Money For Nothing" was actually a great song and video, but someone has decided to delete the whole "faggot" verse. The only "faggot" around here is the person that made that fucked up decision. I want his head on a platter!

Of course, in the "Let's Beat A Dead Fucking Horse Some More" category, the winner is the baseball steroid scandal and the Mitchell report. These accusations can't be true. Players who were skinny naturally became behemoths, played great, retired and shrunk to their former selves again. Just like Bill Bixby, minus the green dye and the nappy afro. Get the man some activator.

That's about all from here. I've got some juice to shoot into my ass cheek to enhance my blogging performance. Word.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Explain To Me Why I Should Care

Here it is, almost Thanksgiving, and people are unhappy. Why? There are Darfurians starving, Hillary might be our next Presidente, our guys are in Iraq being shot at like target practice and the economy isn't looking to hot. But that's not what is important.

Currently, the Writers Guild of America and some bunch of Broadway show roadies, are on strike. You would think it was the end of the damn world. Both want, of course, more money. The media keeps talking about how it could really affect all of us, but I just don't get it.

By my estimation, I know exactly 4 people that have been to one Broadway show. I know nobody that frequents these shows. "But, Mr. Carrot, it'll hurt the economy of New York!". That's their problem. They shouldn't have shut down all the adult businesses in Times Square. Believe it or not, I am sure that more people like porn and titty bars than gay-ass showtunes. And I'm sure there are homeless people that could move sets and shit around.

As for the writers, too bad, so sad. There are about 2 million people walking around with screenplays they've written, including me. If you can talk, you can probably write, so it's not that rare of a talent or commodity. The producers of television should hire a bunch of free lancers (I for one would love to sell my screenplay, "Redeeming Harry Hondo" as a one-time shot and pay off my bills).

So for you strikers that want the public's sympathy, get over yourselves. And have a happy Thanksgiving!

Saturday, November 03, 2007

To My Dear Television/Movie Producer Friends

Oh the suffering you must be going through. Not knowing if those horrible writers with their selfish intentions will be going on strike. And for what? Because they want more money for future internet distibutions of your products. That would be equal to the cow wanting more money when the farmer takes the milk to the market. The cow has been fed and given a warm place to sleep. But indeed, the cow is not as selfish as the writer.

They want more money from other outlets as well. But what do you want, Mr. Producer? In my world, you are the important one. It is their choice to go on strike, but what will become of you, and the others who depend on you? Will Letterman have to go back to delivering pizzas? Alas, there are worse fates, this is true. But let Dave have his dignity. Do these people not have a conscience? Where are their hearts? Perhaps these writers were born without hearts.

With this all in mind, I would like to assist you. I am offering my services as a writer at "non-union" rates. I can email my humorous jokes and comments via the same internet that those money-hungry writers are so fearful of. Ah, the irony of it all!

Do you need some topical humor? I have it. A screenplay for a low-budget film with great profitability? I am the man for the job. Who needs union writers? Let us join in inviting them in having sex with themselves. Then truly they will learn the lessons of greed and gluttony.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Dumbledore Is A Wand Smoker

Recently, the world of children's make believe was turned on it's head with the news that Professor Dumbledore, the mentor to Harry Potter was an elderly homosexual man. Wow!
Who knew that the beloved wizard was a rump ranger? Obviously, it was actor Richard Harris. Okay, I thought he was portrayed by that other homo, Phil McCracken or whatever his name was. I admit, I was wrong.

After author J.K. Rowling recently outed Dumbledore and verified that he was indeed playing for the pink team, the world was stunned. Who else was gay? Ron Weasley? Malfoy? Alas!

Dumbledore has been the mentor of young, vibrant Harry for seven books and five movies. Each film has Dumbledore showing Harry how to grip his wand, stay with the other boys and keep his distance from Hermione, who has developed into a hot young woman with pert breasts and long silky legs. Even her appearance on Letterman a few months back gave me a junior chub.

So, now I can only sit back and await new adventures of young wizards and the spells put on them by their teachers. For instance, "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone", "Harry Potter and the Gobbler of Semen", "Harry Potter and the Order of the Old Man's Penis", "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets That We Don't Tell Grownups About", and of course, "Harry Potter and the Prison of Ass-Can".

On a side note, Dumbledore was named "Man of the Year" by NAMBLA.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Why Does Iwon Suck So Hard?

A few years ago, I registered as a user of Iwon, poor excuse of a website. It's a Yahoo wannabe, but you can navigate around and earn "points". Allegedly, they give away $10 grand each day, but I don't know anyone that has ever one, so I can't prove they exist.

I do know one thing for sure. Their Spin & Win game is more predetermined than the Fox News Channel. On a recent visit to the site, I had somehow earned 20 spins. Concentrate for a minute as I give you some figures.

The wheel had 12 different spots for chances, 2 were "sorry", which meant I won zip, the other 10 consisted of mp3 players and cool shit, as well as "coins". I don't know what the hell a coin does, but I did land on coins 3 times. The other 17 fucking times, I got sorry. What are the odds?

Iwon used to use Google as their search engine, but changed to Ask.com, which is just as shitty as Iwon has become. Ask.com rarely gives you a decent search, because they blow, while Iwon sucks. Behold, the yin and yang bad sites.

Hell, I can't even get a decent search for free internet porn on Iwon anymore. First, it filters, even if you don't want it to. Then, the sites are teasers, like those sorority chicks who aren't even that great to begin with.

I guess I'll just stick to google and yahoo for my dirty fun. Iwon can change their name to "FixedShittySite.com" and the shoe will fit.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Boycotting Mattel

It's been a while since I've been on here, spreading my wisdom. Unfortunately, things may be even more sporadic for the next few weeks as well. Work, work, work. Hey, Willie B., how about stepping up to the plate and helping out, bro?

A couple of weeks back, Mattel, that huge toy company that we all grew up with in our homes, had to recall a bunch of toys. Seems that Mattel has most of their toys made in China and the Chinese were still using lead paint in their manufacturing. Didn't we do away with lead-based paint like a hundred years ago or something? Are the Chinese that far behind us? Are they using asbestos as well?

After Mattel lost millions of bucks because of this affair, they had a sit-down with the Chinese, who promised to get rid of the paint. Great. But, the kicker came this week when Mattel showed what a bunch of pussies they are and actually apologized to the Chinese!!! According to the news article, Mattel sent one of their executives to personally kiss the ass of Li Changjang (seriously, that's the asshole's name), who is China's product safety chief. What the hell is going on here?

Mattel is worried that the Chinese dickheads, whose feelings have been hurt through all of this, will impose extra costs on them, like taxes and fees as repercussions. I've got my own suggestion.

Since Mattel doesn't manufacture their shit here anyway, I say we just don't buy their toys anymore. It's bad when they poison our children, but it's worse when we have to wuss out to the Chinese for it.

How about this? Mattel moves back to the States, or even Canada (practically our 51st state) and introduces a new doll that faces east and raises her middle finger. It's called the "Go Fuck Yourself Barbie". I'll buy three.

Friday, August 31, 2007

Queer Eye For That Senator Guy

I've got to get my two cents worth in here. Seems a Senator Larry Craig from Idaho (yeah, I've never heard of the dude either) tried to pick up an undercover cop in a mens' room at an airport. According to the cop, his actions were consistent with what a shitter-stalker would do when you're horny and in enjoying the friendly skies.

Personally, I can attest that the depressurization of the cabin does put a little lead in the pencil sometimes, but that's as far as I go. The last thing I'm thinking of is playing footsies with some dude while dropping anchor.

The Senator claimed he had a wide stance. Come on, man, you're not playing on the offensive line. He also said he was picking up toilet paper off the floor, which the cop interpreted as soliciting hand gestures. Who the hell picks anything up off the floor in a public crapper? No one. Not even the janitor.

But the best part is that the Senator didn't say a word to anyone. Not to his wife, his staff, or even his pastor. Instead, he gets the citation in the mail and pleads guilty via the post office. This isn't a traffic ticket, you dumbass! You go to court, make the cop look stupid (not that hard to do sometimes) and take your best shot of getting out of the mess.

Frankly, I thought the only things that ever came out of Idaho were taters and Napoleon Dynamite. Now I can add dumbshit gay republicans to my list. Maybe his constituents should "Vote For Pedro".

Monday, August 20, 2007

Hug A Honky Day

In the spirit of peace and brotherhood, Dr. Robert Bimbeaux, PhD, has come up with another of his brilliant and alcohol induced ideas: Hug A Honky Day!

By a simple embrace inspired by Amma, the good doctor figured that honkies need some lovin' too. Of course it sounds too easy to make fun of an idea, especially one that involved hugging a stranger, but with some new age music and a little bourbon, it's all good.

So, next time you see a honky who's a little down, give him or her the hug they need.

We do need your help. Even though it's fine to hug a honky any day of the year, we would like your input for a day that is put aside to celebrate Dr. Bimbeaux's genius. Any suggestions will be taken seriously.

Also, we have a great promotional video to help us roll out "Hug A Honky" day. Enjoy.

Friday, August 10, 2007

A New Labor Negotiation Tool

Everyone knows about sick days, vacation days, or the even crappier one, Paid Time Off, which is a combination of both (sounds better than it is, trust me). We all need a break from work every once in a while, but you don't want to call in sick if you're not.
With all of this in mind, we at the Hairy Carrot Institute for Labor Relations have instituted a new benefit that will keep everyone happy.

The "beach day" is nearly the same as a sick day, with the exception that you're not bullshitting your boss when you want to play hookey and hang out on the beach drinking beer all day. Just call in and say, "Sorry, I can't come in. I'm taking a beach day." Your boss will respect your honesty.

Of course, when you're in the process of a job interview, you should ask about the "beach day program". Or, if your employer is on the ball, he or she will bring it up first.

"You get health benefits, 5 sick days a year and 5 beach days a year."

Now that's who I would want to work for! By the way, don't send us your resumes.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Kiteboarding Idiots

Ever go to the beach and want to relax in about three feet of water with a beer in your hand? Sure, why not. Ever wonder if you're about to get decapitated by some dick who's kiteboarding? Hmmmm....

A few weeks back, I'm chillin' like Bob Dylan with my homies (and some little homies) and we see this thing coming down the beach from about a mile away. No shit, it was that big. If you haven't seen one, it looks like a very large, yet festively colored, maxi pad. From the shore I'm sure it's very nice to see, with someone below it, strapped in and bouncing in the waves and going pretty fast. I'd estimate you could probably go in excess of 25 mph.

So here I am with my posse and our little heads surfacing, when Karl Kiteboarder goes by past the breakers. That's cool, I'm thinking, because he's gone past us. But no, asshole comes back around for a second pass, and this time he misses us by about 3 feet! What a dick. Not sounding like a prick, but he really could have seriously injured someone.

I stood up and started waving my arms and middle fingers at him, but dude wasn't concerned enough to come back for his ass whooping. Unfortunately for him, though, the cop on the beach saw me raising hell. The 5-0 went after numbnuts about 100 yards down the shore and made him bring his rig in and pack it in. Possibly the only time I've had a "good" encounter with a cop.

My message for kiteboarders is this: Stay past the breakers, because if you come near me again and I have to put my beer down, you'll wish there's a cop around to help you out, because I'm going to fuck you up.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Lindsay Lohan Is In Big Trouble!

I know, I know. You don't have to say it. Who gives a shit about Lindsay Lohan? Well, evidently, you do. Admit it.

Personally, I didn't want to write about this big dummy, but the Baron called to let me know that he didn't like her or her ilk. The Baron is right in one regard and that is that the press spends way too much time on the new generation of idiot skanks. Brittany, Paris and Lindsay are being rammed down the throats of folks like me that try to avoid it. (Personally, I think Paris has had something rammed down her throat already.)

But do you really care if Nicole Ritchie is knocked up. She's not all that attractive to begin with. No meat on her bones and a face like E.T. And that's glamour!!!

So now we have Lohan plastered all over the news, as if it's news, and pictures of her with her non-working ankle bracelet which couldn't detect the alcohol in her system due to the giant bandage wrapped between the said ankle bracelet and her ankle.

The latest is that the Lindster is claiming the coke in her tight jeans couldn't be hers because she was wearing someone elses pants. I'm sorry, but those jeans were probably made for that tight little behind of hers, so I'm calling "Bullshit!" on L.L.

By the by, her mug shot was actually kind of hot, in a trailer park dirty girl way. Is that acne scars or has she promoted herself to crystal meth?

And what really sucks is that I shouldn't even know this information.

I am asking everyone to help me with a project. As soon as you hear or see something about these turds, turn it off and scream "I don't give shit and Posh Spice can go back to England!"

Friday, July 20, 2007

Are You Going To Eat That?

I'm finally back from my Mid-July sabbatical and I'm already looking forward to my end of July sabbatical. Beer is good for drinking on these hot summer days.

Speaking of ingesting delicious items, an article appeared in USA Today recently on the benefits of placentophagy. For those of you who don't know what the hell I'm talking about (and neither did I until I read the article), placentophagy is the act of eating the placenta after having a kid. Yeah, it's not veal cutlets, but being the open-minded kind of guy I am, I read the entire article to get all the sides of the story.

Evidently, animals have been dining on afterbirth for millenia, why I don't know. The new argument is that it reduces the effects of post partum depression. If Tom Cruise had known about this, he could have avoided looking like an (bigger) asshole on the Today show. "Matt, aliens didn't put us on this planet to eat our innards!"

The article went on to say that nowadays the placenta is freeze-dried, decaffeinated, emulsified and put into a convenient capsule form. Personally, I think "Placenta Tartar" would have been a hit at an upscale restaurant in New York or LA.

Anne Swanson, not of the frozen food fame, actually went to court to retrieve her placenta from the hospital where she gave birth. The staff felt that since there was blood involved, her afterbirth was a hazardous waste material, but since there was litigation pending, they put it in the freezer to await judgement. Remind me not to order anything thawed at the Sunrise Hospital cafeteria in Las Vegas. The judge said something to the effect of, "Just give it to her and leave me alone." Justice tastes great in a capsule form.

So, I guess this opens a whole new world for us. If you're feeling down, eat some placenta. Or, use it as a garnish when self-medicating. Yummy!!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Solving The Illegal Immigration Problem

Congress recently killed the big immigration bill that would have allowed Mexicans to go back home and come back with all of their families. The big problem was that the bill was supported by Presidente Bush, and right now he's not getting much love from the public. Also, the bill's opponents said it would have given amnesty to the Mexicans that are here.

The last time I remember amnesty granting was in the 70's when we told all the guys that ran off to Canada to avoid being sent to Vietnam. President Carter proclaimed them forgiven and let them come back without fear of being sent to jail.

But I digress. The problem with the bill was these people were illegal aliens, which means they weren't supposed to be here in the first damn place. But they work hard and cheap. And this is how we beat back this beaner menace.

First of all, we as Americans have to get off of our lazy asses and work a little more. That means getting a second job or cutting your own grass. You see, if we take the jobs they work, there will be no work for them. Hah!

Secondly, we need a reward system. If you capture a criminal, you get a reward, right? And the government is always bitching about not being able to round up 12 million Mexicans. Make it worth my while, though, and I'll help out. How about a $25 dollar bounty for each illegal turned in to the cops. Shit, even the crackheads will turn in their dealers for that.

Hell, I can think of about $750 worth of illegals working in restaurants right off the top of my head and I'm not even trying hard. That's making bank!!

Friday, June 29, 2007

Mid-Year Carrot Conference

Sorry, but the Carrot has been "indisposed" for the last few weeks. First of all, there was the Mid-Year Carrot Conference 2007. What's that? You've never heard of the Carrot Conference, you say?

The Carrot Conference is held at least once a year (per the bylaws) and usually somewhere near one of our many distribution centers so we can write it off our taxes. Also, we can get drunk and crash in the warehouse. To avoid drunk driving charges, find a cop and make him or her your best friend. Meet the cop's friends. Then, leave some sort of contraband in their home.

The list of speakers was by far the best we have in a while. The Baron unveiled the new design for the "Honkies for Obama" shirts. Get your orders in while he's still a candidate! Chris Benoit gave a stirring speech on family values and Paris Hilton showed us (via satellite from jail) how to take a dump in front of a lot of people.

Speaking of Paris, I was really moved when she got out of jail last week. It was reminiscent of other people leaving jail/prison, like Martin Luther King Jr and Nelson Mandela.

So, I'm getting back into the swing of things. First off, I'm going to send a posse to find Willie B.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Bulgarian Love Connection

Q. Why do husbands die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Last month, 19 people were arraigned with conspiracy to defraud the United States government. What were they doing? They were arranging marriages between Bulgarians and a bunch of rednecks from South Carolina and Georgia. A total of 28 people have been charged in the scheme, which authorities say go back as much as ten years.

It seems that the couples weren't living together as they had stated on their paperwork. Hell, if that is the basis for making a marriage real, then hardly anyone is "married". And if they were shacking up, doesn't that make them common law spouses in SC? Who knows?

There is one thing I do know and that is that no one would have known the difference. There are around 12million Mexicans running around and the President wants to give them what amounts to amnesty. However, we're ready to prosecute a handful of Bulgarians that actually went to the lengths of getting married to Billy Bob and Jimmy Sue. Shit, we should be grateful that Billy Bob and Jimmy Sue aren't getting married to each other. They're probably related anyhow. To paraphrase a geneticist, "there's no need for DNA testing around here".

Marriage to anyone can be worse (hypothetically) that any prison sentence or deportation, yet even gays want to be married. All of this leads me to several conclusions:
1) Immigration officials would rather go after the little fish
2) Whoever arranged these marriages is the genius, as long as he or she made a buck off of it.
3) Bulgarians should be a lot smarter than marrying anyone from Dillon, SC

Friday, June 01, 2007

What's Next?

So we finished out another May with its motorcycle rallies. For some reason, we can't have one big bike rally, but instead we have two. The Harley guys show up about a week or so before "Da Momo" (see previous post). But in the name of racial harmony, why don't they pool their resources and have a big ole time together?

Two things would be accomplished by doing this: One, Atlantic Beach, home of Da Momo, might actually make a buck. Seems their revenue has dropped steadily during the past few Black Bike rallies and this could get some of those "professionals" Harley riders into the town.
Secondly, I could get an extra week of peace and quiet.

Unfortunately, this all makes too much sense. So here are some suggestions for other rallies.
Latino Bikers
Amerasian Bikers
NAMBLA Bikers (and their little friends, of course)
Cancer Survivor Bikers
Pan African Bikers
Service Industry Bikers
Baby Daddy Bikers
Gay Eskimo Bikers

Speaking of, the Baron himself called our home office with vital information. Seems that David Hyde Pierce, Niles Crane of the "Frasier" television show, is officially out of the closet. Who knew? The way he pranced around sipping lattes nearly had me convinced he wanted to bang Daphne.
How about an Outted Actors Bike rally?

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Da Momo

Last week, those of us fortunate enough to live in the Myrtle Beach area survived another Harley Bike week. Ten days of motorcycles that made too much noise. I always hear how it's so great for the local economy, but I have to tell you the truth. I've lived here 18 years and have never made a buck from a biker. Many of the people I know can say the same. Who makes their money from bikers? Motels and restaurants, that's who. Since I'm not part of either industry, I don't feel obligated to be nice or grateful to these people.

And you know, I don't think it's my responsibility to "triple-check" my mirrors when I'm driving either. Screw that. If you don't want to get hit, quit going in and out of lanes at 60 mph.

All of this leads to the Memorial Day weekend, aka Black Biker weekend or "da Momo". Local hoteliers tell of getting reservations for "da momo" throughout the year. Boy, we're lucky!!

So again, I've never profited from these guys and gals either. But you can help. We at Hairy Carrot are looking for a suitable date for "Hug a Honky" day. Personally, I think the Tuesday after "da momo" is appropriate, while others think it should be before the bike rally. So we ask for your input. Let us know.

In the meantime, I'll be sipping on gin and juice, eating some fried chicken and waiting for the Grand Marshall of the festival, Don Imus, to help us come together as one big family.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Hooray, The Bikers Are Here!

If you live anywhere near the Grand Strand, you know how much fun May can be. Personally, I can hardly contain my emotions this time of year. With hundreds of thousands of motorcycles roaring up and down the road, it sure is a great time to live here.

For the past seven or eight days, some of the coolest people I've ever seen breeze in and out of traffic, seemingly with no regard for the others in automobiles. Of course, there have been a few accidents (84 at last count) and even a few fatalities (3, and the over/under this year is 7), but gosh darn it all, it's all fun.

There are some things that confuse me though. Why, for example, when it's hot outside, do people go to the beach, wear lots of leather and ride up and down the road, where it's even hotter? You're at the beach! Go to the beach. Get in the damn water and cool off. Shit, you can ride around in Pennsylvania if that all you want to do. It's cool there, just like you.

And as you probably know, this is Harley week. Attended predominantly by a bunch of honkies, it's a stark contrast to next weekend, known in these here parts as "black biker week", unofficially, I might add. I love it when some idiot tries to distinguish the two by claiming that the Harley riders are "professionals, lawyers and doctors". As an open minded kind of guy, I went through the parking lot at both locations of Dog House, Suck Bang Blow and HB Spokes. There are definitely more "doctors and lawyers" in prison than at these spots. Trust the Carrot on this one.

But overall, I'm glad they're here. I like loud noise and I want to go to their hometowns and return the favor. Who needs sleep anyhow? And I really enjoy waiting twice as long for a table on Mother's Day. So does mom. Just because it's her day, doesn't mean she can't be inconvenienced.

So next week, let's all remember the veterans who gave their lives for this country by watching some big asses on bikes and throwing back some forties. Memorial Day wouldn't be the same.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Where Willie B. At?

I'm calling out to all of the Hairy Carrot universe for help. Our little Willie B. Hardigan has gone missing and we miss him something awful. We miss his sarcasm, reviews of TV shows, and especially the way he farts when he laughs.

I've checked every milk carton in the store, but no pictures of Willie B. anywhere. Don't take this as a "dis" Willie. We just figured you'd surface by now.

So please, Willie, if you can read this, get in touch with us. Write a blog even. You know what to do, so do it. And we won't ask where you've been or why the police keeping wanting to question you about an incident with an underaged girl. By the way, is that THE Chris Hansen, from NBC News that's always asking about you? If so, could you get us his autograph?

Monday, April 30, 2007

24 - Revisited

If you haven't been watching "24" this season, now is the time to jump in. You see, the terrorists who had nukes (and lit the fuse on one) have been caught, and with plenty of time for the show's writing staff to change the story completely to a new plot line. With 4 (or is it 5?) hours left in the day/season, our hero Jack Bauer has discovered that his main squeeze (painfully played by Kim Raver) was being held captive by the Chinese. He managed to get her released, but only by giving away Russia's nuclear secrets.
Ms. Raver quit the show last year to be in her own show, which was mercifully cancelled after the Discovery channel's documentary on a 450 pound turd killed it in the ratings. So "24" took her back. Her character, Audrey Raines, has had her brains scrambled by her Chinese torturers, which is going to make Jack extra motivated, since he obviously still wants to tap that ass and she's in no condition to put up a fight.
In this season's story, Jack has been freed by the Chinese himself (see "irony"), chased Arab terrorists, single handledly assaulted the Russian embassy, killed his partner, tortured his brother, been accused of killing his brother (his dad did it), got a boner for his sister-in-law and had a sit-down with the President. All of this, mind you, without once stopping to piss or take a shit. This explains the look on his face all the time - he's cheeking it.
Meanwhile, the Vice President has taken over the for the President, who is in a coma. Some may say that this is the scariest scenario of all, but this is fiction, not real life.
On a personal note, I think it's a hoot watching Ricky Schroeder of "Silver Spoons" fame as a badass federal agent. No longer "Rick", he's managed to torture/interrogate one of his co-worker's, only to find out she was innocent in the first place.
Some folks out there are saying that this show has gone too far with some torture scenes, and that's giving the green light to our troops in the field. So, honestly, what's the problem with that?

Friday, April 20, 2007

NBC Gave Us A Cho Job

This week, a Korean national named Cho with mental problems decided to take out a bunch of his fellow students at Virginia Tech. I knew the ACC was a tough conference, but shit.
After shooting up the place, Cho made the only rational decision of the day and shot himself. Great. You saved us the time and expense of having to put you on trial. But what did this sneaky shit do? He mailed a "manifesto" of sorts to NBC, who received the package two days after the carnage. No word on if he used FedEx or the U. S. Postal service, but I'm sure there's an endorsement deal that just went up in smoke.
I turned on the television Wednesday evening to see images of this guy with guns pointing at the camera and the news guy is saying how disturbing it must be to the students and victims' families to see this prick's message from "beyond the grave". Hey dickhead, nobody said you had to show it! And it went on and on and on.
The next day, NBC was under fire for being the whores they are and milking this crap for every dime of advertising dollars they could get.
So here's the deal. The next time some dick decides to shoot a bunch of people, he can send his message to NBC (or other media outlets) and be assured that they'll do the irresponsible thing and show it. I just wish they'd show Don Imus put a bullet in his head after he shoots off his mouth.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Don Imus - Dumbass

We all know what a dipshit Don Imus is. The guy isn't that great of a radio "personality" to begin with, much less a star. But don't tell his stupid fans this. For those of you not informed in such matters, Imus basically got his start being a "shock jock" after Howard Stern more or less invented the art form. Stern also kicked the ass of the I-man in the ratings, while Don was busy being a cokehead.
So after his comments about the Rutgers women's basketball team over a week ago, and having to hear everyone pontificate on talk radio and television, I feel compelled to thrown in my two cents worth.

First, who in the hell appointed Rev. Al and Rev. Jesse to be the judge, jury and executioner of anything that offends blacks. Rev. Al has had no credibility since the Tawana Brawley case. Everytime I see that brother, he pisses me off, including the whole thing with Chris Rock's mama at the Cracker Barrel in Murrells Inlet, SC. Come on, Al. They gave the lady free gift certificates, she redeemed them for God's sake, and she still thinks she a victim. Fuck you, Al.

Then there are the rappers who have made it okay to use terms like "hos" and "bitches". Look, my bruthas, I know they can be bitches, but now you should be have your feet to the fire. But don't blame Ice Cube. This former badass rapper has rehabilitated his image. He's currently on a promotional tour of his new family film, "Is It In Yet?" (or sump'n like dat). Ice was a member of NWA or Niggaz With Attidudes in his former gangsta life. Nowadays, he's a movie star pushing his films on "Ellen".

Two weeks ago the girls from Rutgers didn't know who the hell Imus was. They were better off.

If he had been talking about a team of white girls and referred to them as "whores", would it have made a difference? Probably not.

Where is the outrage when Limbaugh, Michael Savage and other conservative talk show hosts make comments like this? Reverend Al won't go there though, proving that you don't have to eat pussy to be one.

Frankly, I didn't like Imus' show, mainly because I like MSNBC's news shows, and their female anchors are kind of hot (not like that skank on FOX or Soledad). So I'm glad he's gone. Now shut the hell up about it before he makes his comeback.

Extra info: Where the hell is Willie B. Hardigan? If you see him, let him know we still care and want him home.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

The Circus Is In Town

A couple of weeks ago, I received some free tickets to see the circus (no, not "The Greatest Show On Earth") and since it's been years since I've gone to a circus, I thought it'd be a hoot to see what was under the big top.
I was really expecting to see a lot of old people wanting to recapture their lost memories. After all, it is Myrtle Beach. In the winter months, these mall walking bastards are everywhere, but I guess a lot of them have gone back to where ever they came from in the first place.
Instead of seniors, I got senoras. Mexicans. Wall to wall. And they were the performers. With the exception of the Ringmaster, his equally disturbing female co-hostess, and the Asian acrobats, just about everyone was from South of the Border, and I don't mean the horribly cheesy spot on I-95.
(I just have to say that the co-ringmaster or whatever the hell her title was could have been almost attractive. However, wearing her prom dress was an odd choice at best, and she looked eerily like that scary chick from the Squirrel Nut Zippers.)
The motorcycle stunt riders, the horseback riders, the trapeze artists, the clowns and most of the audience were latinos. Nothing against them, honest. But holy shit, they're a prolific bunch.
In the category of "nicest ass" there was a tie between two of the trapeze artists and Serena, the human canonball. Serena, who was allegedly from the Ukraine, unfortunately had a face sent the clowns screaming, but what a nice hynie. And my lovely free seat was in the end zone, where I could scope the trapeze chicks on their perch from behind. What a view!
So, if you have a chance to catch this show, get your free ticket and head down to Murrells Inlet. And if you want to have some fun, wear a baseball hat with "INS" on it and try to scalp green cards. Ole!

Follow up: Florida won the NCAA b-ball championship last night for the second year in a row. I'm sure the Ohio St. fans are wondering what the hell is going on since they got beaten badly by Florida for the football championship earlier in the year.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Charles Manson - Maybe This Time!

If there was ever a weapon in the "War On Drugs", it would be Charles Manson. Let's face it, this guy could blame his drug use on all kinds of trouble. And once the rest of the "family" came down, they even probably looked at themselves and said, "What the fuck did I just do?" This would be more than fodder for those evil people that think that all drugs are bad.
Recently, the Baron informed me that Charles Manson is going to be up for parole again this month. For those of you wondering, yes, the Baron does keep up with these kinds of things. That's why we keep him on the payroll.
Anyway, everyone involved, including Charlie himself, knows that he won't get out of jail anytime soon. After nearly forty years, the publicity of the murders still hangs around like a bad fart and the press still likes to talk about it like it happened yesterday. Unfortunately for Manson, who never actually killed anyone, but "led his family" into it, he's portrayed as a psychopathic murderer.
Three women that were members of this "family" are still doing time as well, since they were in fact the ones that carried out the deed. It's amazing what some LSD and a charismatic leader can accomplish. After a few years in prison, the effects of dropping a little "cid" wore off, the ladies did some interviews and I have to tell you, they are not a threat to society. It doesn't matter, though, because they've all resigned themselves to the fact that they're in the poky for good.
Even Chuckie, who's an addled old guy at this point, knows he's just going through the motions with the parole board. But we should continue to give him brief moments of false hope. It's the least we can do the sorry bastard.
And speaking of sorry bastards, since when did Anna Nicole ever do a damn thing that somehow will affect my life some way? I can't watch news anymore without hearing about this chick. Who gives a shit? Seriously, I just want to know how things are in Iraq, the stock market - you know, real news. But what do I get? Autopsy reports! Unless it's my kin, I don't really care how someone goes, especially this trailer trash.
So for the news director who thinks people really gives a rats ass about Anna Nicole, let me give you some advice: Shove a Hairy Carrot up your ass, because you're a piece of shit!!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Doing The Hokey Pokey

I often hear parents say that they'd like their little boy or girl to excel in whatever sport with the end goal being an athletic scholarship to college. Sounds like a great plan. From now on, though, when that coach comes to your house and recruit your kid, ask yourself one question: Is this person trying to help or just pick up my kid like they're in a singles' bar?
What has this got to do with anything? Well, it seems that the ladies' basketball coach at LSU quit her job last week because of an "inappropriate" relationship between her and one of her players. Pokey (yes, that's her name) Chapman got busted when one of her assistant coaches said something to one of the school's administrators. It probably sounded like, "Yo, Dean, I think Pokey's been eating the kooch of one of our players." Hmmm.
Of course, someone should've known something was smelly fishy when she ran her signature "tuna taco weave" on offense. And when she asked her team to give her a "box and one", she wasn't even on the court. There was one report of a player scoring 23 points and Pokey telling the player "You da man, you da man. After the game, my apartment, you da man!" Okay, so I made that one up.
Look, I'm fairly certain that this half-court carpet muncher meant well, but the ramifications are huge. For instance, I'm sure there is already a porn flick version of this in the works. How about "The Pink Shadow"?

Monday, March 12, 2007

It's March, So Leave Me Alone

For those of you who don't know me personally, I'm going to let you in on one of my secret passions. No, not porn, but one that goes just as well with bourbon.
I love college basketball in March. And I was told by my legal team here at the Hairy Carrot Institute that I can't use the term "March Madness" because some prick somewhere copyrighted it. So, from now on, I will refer to it as "March Insanity". Whatever.
Anyway, my ass has been planted in front of the television for the last week watching various conference championship tournaments. Needless to say, I've been inspired by the wins of schools such as Weber St, Eastern Kentucky, and of course, Niagara. And now these guys get to show what they have when they play the big boys from UCLA, Ohio State and Florida.
And I do want to send a special "shout out" to Sydney Lowe and the rest of the NC State Wolfpack team for taking their rival UNC Tarholes to the wire. Needless to say, the Pack will be even better next year and Lowe has turned around a program that was suffering like a Ann Coulter web sponsor.
So, if you're in town and go to a local sportsbar, just shout "Hey, any of you guys Hairy Carrot?" at the top of your lungs and maybe I'll buy you a beer. Or you can just sit down, shut the hell up and enjoy the games.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Ann Coulter

This past weekend, a bunch of ultra-conservatives had their annual love fest, complete with K-Y that heats up when you blow on it. The conference should have been a showcase for all of the Republican presidential candidates, with soundbites and witty remarks about the Democrats included. Instead, an anorexic, unstable blond stole the show with her "off the cuff" statements.
Ann Coulter could be hot, if it weren't for that faraway look in her eyes that makes Manson look like an amateur. One look at the crazy bitch makes any attempt at an erection run for cover. Think Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" and Lorena Bobbitt, rolled into one skinny psycho woman that would gladly kill any man who couldn't satisfy her, or even worse, threatened to leave her. No wonder she's single.
Given the setting, you'd think that this fucked up whore would be amongst her own, but even these God-loving, family-valued neo-cons were a little rattled when she called John Edwards a "faggot" on C-SPAN.
This isn't the first time this certifiable nutjob has put her foot in her mouth. Her books, which other dipshits love to buy, are filled with such shit. But maybe, just maybe, the bitch did herself in this time. Sure, Rush and his rump rangers will defend her. Hell, I've got ten bucks that he spanks it to her picture. But, they're going to have to tap dance a lot more this time. I doubt conservatives will vote her off "Survivor: Dick Cheney's Nutsack", but they'll consider it for a couple of seconds.
I can only envision John Edwards winning his party's nomination and during his acceptance speech, throw out a little riff like this:
"I was asked to speak about Ann Coulter, but they told me if I called her a filthy cunt with a stinky hole, I'd have to go to rehab. Either way, sniff my finger."
Now that would be great television. You see, women can try to be funny. Some are. For instance, Celia Rivenbark, who's link is on this page, is a funny woman. She actually cracks me up. Ann Coulter isn't funny. She's a scary twat being egged on by other scary twats dressed as pasty white men.
So, Ann, stick a cord of firewood up your ass and get over yourself. One of these days, some dumb fuck is going to settle down with you, and when it's all said and done, he's going to beat the living shit out of you. And the best part is that no one will give a crap because you probably asked for it.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Some Catching Up To Do

Seems there are just so many things going on in the world, but I haven't had a lot of chances to throw my in two cents. Instead of covering one subject, how about we just cover a lot of ground quickly?

Britney Spears Shaves Her Head
Didn't this skank show her kooch to the world a few months back? Was it shaved? You couldn't really tell. The reality is that I care more about her kooch than her head. Isn't she a singer? Has this chick put out any new songs lately or is she just partying her ass off after dumping that prickfuck she married. Her hot little body has gone to hell and she's mental to boot.
The story about her shaved head dominated the news this past Sunday. There's irony. The media really does need to prioritize. If not, we'll soon find out how many pieces of corn were in Barack Obama's stool after one of his $500/plate fundraising dinners.

Duke Basketball
For those of you not into college basketball, let me help out. Duke had been in the Top 25 for the last 10 years, until last week. They lost 5 games in a row, which is a sign of the second coming. Anyway, they won a game and miraculously re-appeared in the Top 25 again (Rank - 15).
Just to recap, I still say that for a bunch of allegedly intelligent people, it was stupid to hire black strippers for an (nearly) all white lacrosse kegger. In Durham, no less. Shit, they still sell nickel bags there.

Anna Nicole Smith
I don't know and I don't give a shit.

Rush Limbaugh
I haven't busted his miniscule balls in a long time, so I wanted to share something he said on last Thursday's show. At approximately 12:25pm, he was asked by a Libertarian caller about our president's credibility, noting that most of what Bush has said about Iraq turned out to be not true. El Rushdo said "Bush does not lie!"
Never? He's never lies! We know he doesn't because Rush said so. It must be true.

Daytona 500
Honestly, this topic is near the Anna Nicole topic on the old "Do I Give A Shit-O-Meter", but I will admit seeing that car skid upside down for a couple of city blocks was a lot cooler that any special effects shit I ever saw in a Die Hard flick.

Ash Wednesday
Where in the Bible did Jesus say, "Smear some black soot on your head and go shopping in rememberance of me"? Nowhere.

NBA All-Star Game
I just realized that Wayne Newton really did perform, and not an animatronic robot facimile. He was nearly lifelike in many respects, but I had more realistic blow-up dolls. Mr. Synthetic really does not need close-up camera angles.

Peace out for now, honkies!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

What the hell just happened? Part 1.

You know, sometimes yours truly needs to get a little break from reality, take a little vacation, recharge the old batteries. So, I'm sitting around the last few weeks, trying to get my thoughts organised about this here blogging thing, when I get the biggest case of writers block ever. EVER. No ideas whatsoever. I gotta take action.

Now, it ain't like I got no fodder for the ole' brain cannon. Ya see, I have a DVD collection that rivals Netflix, and I have not one, but three(3) DVR's, and a Big ole box o' educational tapes from years gone by. And if I'm not sitting on this machine all day, I'm watching the boob tube. So why Willie, why? Why have you been MIA for far too long, you may ask?

I went on a ski trip.

Big deal, some may say..whoop dee freakin' doo...Some of you vomit at the mere mention of the white stuff. See, I've lived in the South all my life, so I'm used to 95 degree weather with 100 percent humidity. Most precipitation I see is clear, not white, (unless it's the once a month the old lady gets off it, ba doom doom cha.) So when I was invited for a FREE fun filled week of fun and frivolity at a ski resort, I said what the heck.

So stay tuned for Part 2 of my trip diary. It'll be a hoot. 5 days, 30 people, 56 cases of beer, 28 large bottles of booze, 2 twelve-person hot tubs, and male to female ratio pushing 4.7 to 1 (still don't know about that one chick.), average age 23, and everybody wantin' Willie B. to show how to do it "Old School". Word up, yo.

Willie B.....seein' ya.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Anna Nicole Won't Rest In Peace

Anna Nicole Smith died this week, and boy, what a fucking mess she left behind. With her son's death a few months earlier, her only heir is a infant girl. Of course, whoever the "baby-daddy" is will get custody of the child and control of her estate, which includes a possible $450million. As we all know, Anna Nicole went all the way to the Supreme Court to fight for the estate of her second husband, a wealthy, yet very old, man that couldn't even make it to his own honeymoon. Instead, she took a male "friend" with her to the Greek Isles. Romantic.
Now every guy with a dick is coming out of the woodwork proclaiming to be the father of the child, including another old dude named Prince Frederick who just happens to be Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband. If it weren't for Viagra, I wouldn't believe it. Even the "Surreal World" hasn't heard of this dickhead yet.
The latest theory is that the father could, indeed, be the old guy that couldn't make it to his honeymoon. Supposedly, the grampy still had some sperm to be dispensed, and Anna Nicole talked him into freezing it for her later use. I've seen pictures of this guy and I would imagine he was shooting blanks, but what the hell do I know?
One thing is for sure. I can't be the father of the child, but it would be cool to be a suspect. I'd be high-fivin' the Baron and Willie B. and regaling them with stories of bangin' Anna Nicole.
"Yeah, that bitch sure did like my little weiner!"
Of course, I couldn't be the father of that kid. This is because, though I'm not very picky about my women, I am about keeping my two-inch terror from disease. That chick saw more dicks than a urinal, so if I had banged her, I probably would've worn at least one condom, possibly more.
And throw in a dental dam for good measure.
So now Anna Nicole is going to be a legend and we'll be seeing her face on every tabloid for the next 30 years, much like Elvis and Marilyn Monroe. Possible look-a-likes will make appearances in live tributes or, if we're really lucky, porn flicks. That's what I'm talking about, damn it.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Climate Change?

A study was released today by scientists from 113 countries and guess what? Global warming is, in their words, "very likely" caused by humans. And all this time I thought that it was my farts.
But the far right conservatives, who are having some sort of a sexual affair with big industry, doesn't want to fess up that maybe us humans are the cause. This is because then they'd have to push legislation to cut down on pollution. Well, shit, doesn't that just cramp your style.
And these scientists don't paint a pretty picture for the future either. With ice caps melting, that raises sea levels. Think your homeowner's insurance was tough to pay before, wait until your house is under 2o feet of water.
Of course, the brighter ones of us will make our move now. Move inland, invest in "green" technologies (why not make a buck off of global warming?), and other things I haven't thought of yet.
Fifty years from now, I just want to make sure the ice in my Beam and Coke doesn't melt. Is that just too much to ask from our leaders? Shit, Bush should appreciate this argument. He used to be a drunk (but not an alcoholic, because those people are "fucking strange, with their meetings and all"). C'mon George, help a brother out.
So, my advice to all is this: Don't breed, and live it up. We'll be gone when it gets really hot anyway.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

I Sold It On Ebay

For those of you who haven't had the joy of seeing "The 40-Year Old Virgin", the hot milf in the flick has an Ebay store where people take their crap and she sells it on Ebay for them. These stores do, in fact, exists, and they are for people like myself who really don't feel like taking the time to actually sell something on the auction site. Or the elderly who found some rare antique in their closet (like a strap-on used by Millard Fillmore) and don't know how to use a computer.
There is a lot of time and effort involved to sell something correctly. Let's say you have a printer that is no longer in production (perhaps a Canon BJ-85, perfect for a laptop!), but people would still like to have one. You can take a picture of it, write a long description of said printer(and the disc and cords and shit), and then dick around trying to find a price for it. All in all, you've spent at least an hour screwing around with this project when you could have been doing something more interesting, like watching some porn and playing Whack-A-Mole.
Or you could take the printer to the local Ebay store and let them do all the work in exchange for keeping a percentage of the sale. That's even easier than a UNC coed.
I, the Hairy Carrot, have a personal perspective on this deal. You see, I took a printer to an "I Sold It On Ebay" store, where it was listed and sold. That was back in December. It's almost February and I still haven't gotten my money. I called shortly after the auction was done and was told that the check would be in the mail within 30 days. I tried calling again, but the phone just rang. What the fuck! So this past week, I'm in that neck of the woods and decide to see these dickheads. To the surprise of absolutely no one, the place is shut down with a sheet of paper on the door saying the store is "temporarily closed" and there's a website to visit.
Now I'm getting pissed because there isn't even a phone number to call. I went to the business next door and the nice lady (firm titties) tells me that "their phone just rings all day. We hear it all the time."
So I get home, check on the website and learned that these stores are a ripoff to everyone involved, mostly the sap who bought the franchise. There was a section to fill out and leave a angry message, so I did.
A couple of hours go by and sure enough, I get a call from the owner of the store, who explains that the payments go to the home office, but they haven't sent him his part of the money in weeks. The poor fuck is going to have to get a lawyer to buttfuck these dicks, but according to the website, he may have to wait in line. Evidently, these stores are dropping like Bush's approval ratings.
So, my life lesson for you is this: don't sell your shit at an Ebay store. And if you see one, go in and tell the guy working in there to get the hell out because he's going to get fucked in the ass and they won't even kiss him on the mouth first. And if you see my printer, send it back to me. -HC

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Greetings fellow readers, Willie B. here with an inaugural review, or as I like to call it, "What I did instead of watching American Idol." Hell, watching 2 hours of The Weather Channel is more intoxicating, because I'm always trying to figure out why all the female stormcasters are knocked up. Weather as an aphrodisiac...Hmmmm, guess Texans aren't the only ones "getting 8 inches" tonight...
Anyhow...lets get on with our review, shall we?
Part One: Ted Nugents "Spirit of The Wild."

Besides being a famous rock n' roller, brother Ted is an avid outdoorsman, political activist, and, extremely brash dude. Popularly known for his music career, Nugent has recently jumped into the spotlight for his highly conservative political views, and boy are they..
The good people at The Outdoor Channel have given The Nuge' a sweet little 30 minute nugget of TV heaven called "Spirit of The Wild," a show in which we get to watch Ted and his brood get their hunt on. Not for the squeamish, the program usually has Ted stalking deer, or some other wildlife, and then with his compound bow, launching an arrow right into the creatures vital organs. Like I said, not for the faint of heart.
The coolest thing about this carnage is that it's REAL. No Hollywood special effects on this one, I tell ya. Nothing compares to seeing Ted just go flat apeshit orgasmic over the "Mystical flight of the arrow," as he pulls down on an unsuspecting animal. And thats the joy of the show. It's not seeing Ted hunt down the creatures of our world, it's watching the sheer thrill he gets from doing it. I mean, the dude eats, breathes, and shits this stuff.
Oh, and by the way, The Motor City Madman's wife is a major part of the show. "And that's important how?" you may ask. Simple reason, really. She's SMOKING hot. Ted's wife, Shemane, is not only one fine momma, but could probably kick your ass before you knew what hit you. There's just something about seeing a hot babe in comouflage.
Alrighty folks, now that you have an idea what the show is about, I'll get Part 2 of my review up ASAP...You gotta see what he does to Marys' Little Lamb
Willie B. ...Seein ya.

Monday, January 15, 2007

24 - Day 6

For those of you who don't watch "24", you're losing out on some great water cooler material. To update you, terrorists (who just happen to be Muslim) are blowing up shit left and right across America. The President, who just happens to be the brother of another formerly assassinated president (and now does Allstate commercials) is grabbing at any opportunity to stop the bombings. Jack Bauer, our hero, was going to be sacrificed as a way to strike a deal with the terrorists, but he managed to kick their asses and foil their plans. He's quite the badass.
Right about the time Jack was going to call it quits, the bad guys managed to set off an miniature nuke, thus pissing Jack off enough to make him stay on.
Now, there are also several unbelievable events on "24" that make you wonder. For instance, two black presidents in under 10 years? And neither one of them ever acted like Al Sharpton. Hmmmm. Also, this president is sporting a goatee. Yeah, right.
And how did Jack get cleaned up from his stint in a Chinese prison so nicely? He was given a bowl of water and some scissors. He managed to look like he came right out of "GQ" when he was done. What the hell did he do in that Chinese prison? Shit, Jack, put the curling iron down and make me some egg rolls!
Anyway, I highly recommend this show, if for nothing else, the violence. Watching Kiefer Sutherland gnaw on the neck of one of his captors brought back memories of "The Lost Boys", and I didn't have to suffer through the fucking "Coreys".

Saturday, January 06, 2007

(Happy) New Year

The year 2007 rolled in like a big smelly fart and, of course, all the festivities that came with it were right behind. Drunk driving checkpoints alone are reason enough to make you friends with a cop for one day out of the year. You just call them up around right after lunch on December 31 and ask where the checkpoints are "so I can avoid the traffic".
The last two New Years' we've had the special joy of watching Dick Clark mumble his way through the evening. "Ah can hahrdy wait fo do bahhhl to dwop, Wyan." And the cop thought I was fucked up. You just don't put a guy that has had a major stroke on television unless it's a documentary. And I don't give a shit if the guy owns the show or not.
The highlight for me is seeing the "tributes" to everyone that died the year before. There's always some sappy music and you're like "Damn, I didn't even know that asshole was sick!" I'll miss them all.
Speaking of the dead, how about James Brown's funeral? Whoopin' it up with a band and shit while the open casket is right there. I'm telling you, us honkies have a stick up our collective asses sometimes, and funerals are one of those times. The only thing missing was Kramer to put the "fun" in funeral.
In stark contrast was the week-long non-festivities that went with Gerald Ford's funerals. (Note the plural on funeral.) The family should have sold t-shirts with that world tour. There's only four more stops before they plant him.
Anyway, I really just wanted to bitch and moan a bit about idiots that make resolutions. Let's get this over with quickly. First, they don't get kept, and secondly, about 99 percent have something to do with losing weight. I don't give a shit if I drop the 35 much pounds needed to make my wiener look even bigger than it already does. So I'm going with the resolution I can keep: No more sex with underage girls from Prague. There's a commitment, bitches!
Happy New Year!

On a side note, I've managed to retain the services of a film reviewer who goes by the name of Willie B. Hardigan. Look on the blog for his insights and introspective view of the world.