Saturday, January 27, 2007

I Sold It On Ebay

For those of you who haven't had the joy of seeing "The 40-Year Old Virgin", the hot milf in the flick has an Ebay store where people take their crap and she sells it on Ebay for them. These stores do, in fact, exists, and they are for people like myself who really don't feel like taking the time to actually sell something on the auction site. Or the elderly who found some rare antique in their closet (like a strap-on used by Millard Fillmore) and don't know how to use a computer.
There is a lot of time and effort involved to sell something correctly. Let's say you have a printer that is no longer in production (perhaps a Canon BJ-85, perfect for a laptop!), but people would still like to have one. You can take a picture of it, write a long description of said printer(and the disc and cords and shit), and then dick around trying to find a price for it. All in all, you've spent at least an hour screwing around with this project when you could have been doing something more interesting, like watching some porn and playing Whack-A-Mole.
Or you could take the printer to the local Ebay store and let them do all the work in exchange for keeping a percentage of the sale. That's even easier than a UNC coed.
I, the Hairy Carrot, have a personal perspective on this deal. You see, I took a printer to an "I Sold It On Ebay" store, where it was listed and sold. That was back in December. It's almost February and I still haven't gotten my money. I called shortly after the auction was done and was told that the check would be in the mail within 30 days. I tried calling again, but the phone just rang. What the fuck! So this past week, I'm in that neck of the woods and decide to see these dickheads. To the surprise of absolutely no one, the place is shut down with a sheet of paper on the door saying the store is "temporarily closed" and there's a website to visit.
Now I'm getting pissed because there isn't even a phone number to call. I went to the business next door and the nice lady (firm titties) tells me that "their phone just rings all day. We hear it all the time."
So I get home, check on the website and learned that these stores are a ripoff to everyone involved, mostly the sap who bought the franchise. There was a section to fill out and leave a angry message, so I did.
A couple of hours go by and sure enough, I get a call from the owner of the store, who explains that the payments go to the home office, but they haven't sent him his part of the money in weeks. The poor fuck is going to have to get a lawyer to buttfuck these dicks, but according to the website, he may have to wait in line. Evidently, these stores are dropping like Bush's approval ratings.
So, my life lesson for you is this: don't sell your shit at an Ebay store. And if you see one, go in and tell the guy working in there to get the hell out because he's going to get fucked in the ass and they won't even kiss him on the mouth first. And if you see my printer, send it back to me. -HC

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Greetings fellow readers, Willie B. here with an inaugural review, or as I like to call it, "What I did instead of watching American Idol." Hell, watching 2 hours of The Weather Channel is more intoxicating, because I'm always trying to figure out why all the female stormcasters are knocked up. Weather as an aphrodisiac...Hmmmm, guess Texans aren't the only ones "getting 8 inches" tonight...
Anyhow...lets get on with our review, shall we?
Part One: Ted Nugents "Spirit of The Wild."

Besides being a famous rock n' roller, brother Ted is an avid outdoorsman, political activist, and, extremely brash dude. Popularly known for his music career, Nugent has recently jumped into the spotlight for his highly conservative political views, and boy are they..
The good people at The Outdoor Channel have given The Nuge' a sweet little 30 minute nugget of TV heaven called "Spirit of The Wild," a show in which we get to watch Ted and his brood get their hunt on. Not for the squeamish, the program usually has Ted stalking deer, or some other wildlife, and then with his compound bow, launching an arrow right into the creatures vital organs. Like I said, not for the faint of heart.
The coolest thing about this carnage is that it's REAL. No Hollywood special effects on this one, I tell ya. Nothing compares to seeing Ted just go flat apeshit orgasmic over the "Mystical flight of the arrow," as he pulls down on an unsuspecting animal. And thats the joy of the show. It's not seeing Ted hunt down the creatures of our world, it's watching the sheer thrill he gets from doing it. I mean, the dude eats, breathes, and shits this stuff.
Oh, and by the way, The Motor City Madman's wife is a major part of the show. "And that's important how?" you may ask. Simple reason, really. She's SMOKING hot. Ted's wife, Shemane, is not only one fine momma, but could probably kick your ass before you knew what hit you. There's just something about seeing a hot babe in comouflage.
Alrighty folks, now that you have an idea what the show is about, I'll get Part 2 of my review up ASAP...You gotta see what he does to Marys' Little Lamb
Willie B. ...Seein ya.

Monday, January 15, 2007

24 - Day 6

For those of you who don't watch "24", you're losing out on some great water cooler material. To update you, terrorists (who just happen to be Muslim) are blowing up shit left and right across America. The President, who just happens to be the brother of another formerly assassinated president (and now does Allstate commercials) is grabbing at any opportunity to stop the bombings. Jack Bauer, our hero, was going to be sacrificed as a way to strike a deal with the terrorists, but he managed to kick their asses and foil their plans. He's quite the badass.
Right about the time Jack was going to call it quits, the bad guys managed to set off an miniature nuke, thus pissing Jack off enough to make him stay on.
Now, there are also several unbelievable events on "24" that make you wonder. For instance, two black presidents in under 10 years? And neither one of them ever acted like Al Sharpton. Hmmmm. Also, this president is sporting a goatee. Yeah, right.
And how did Jack get cleaned up from his stint in a Chinese prison so nicely? He was given a bowl of water and some scissors. He managed to look like he came right out of "GQ" when he was done. What the hell did he do in that Chinese prison? Shit, Jack, put the curling iron down and make me some egg rolls!
Anyway, I highly recommend this show, if for nothing else, the violence. Watching Kiefer Sutherland gnaw on the neck of one of his captors brought back memories of "The Lost Boys", and I didn't have to suffer through the fucking "Coreys".

Saturday, January 06, 2007

(Happy) New Year

The year 2007 rolled in like a big smelly fart and, of course, all the festivities that came with it were right behind. Drunk driving checkpoints alone are reason enough to make you friends with a cop for one day out of the year. You just call them up around right after lunch on December 31 and ask where the checkpoints are "so I can avoid the traffic".
The last two New Years' we've had the special joy of watching Dick Clark mumble his way through the evening. "Ah can hahrdy wait fo do bahhhl to dwop, Wyan." And the cop thought I was fucked up. You just don't put a guy that has had a major stroke on television unless it's a documentary. And I don't give a shit if the guy owns the show or not.
The highlight for me is seeing the "tributes" to everyone that died the year before. There's always some sappy music and you're like "Damn, I didn't even know that asshole was sick!" I'll miss them all.
Speaking of the dead, how about James Brown's funeral? Whoopin' it up with a band and shit while the open casket is right there. I'm telling you, us honkies have a stick up our collective asses sometimes, and funerals are one of those times. The only thing missing was Kramer to put the "fun" in funeral.
In stark contrast was the week-long non-festivities that went with Gerald Ford's funerals. (Note the plural on funeral.) The family should have sold t-shirts with that world tour. There's only four more stops before they plant him.
Anyway, I really just wanted to bitch and moan a bit about idiots that make resolutions. Let's get this over with quickly. First, they don't get kept, and secondly, about 99 percent have something to do with losing weight. I don't give a shit if I drop the 35 much pounds needed to make my wiener look even bigger than it already does. So I'm going with the resolution I can keep: No more sex with underage girls from Prague. There's a commitment, bitches!
Happy New Year!

On a side note, I've managed to retain the services of a film reviewer who goes by the name of Willie B. Hardigan. Look on the blog for his insights and introspective view of the world.