Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Some Catching Up To Do

Seems there are just so many things going on in the world, but I haven't had a lot of chances to throw my in two cents. Instead of covering one subject, how about we just cover a lot of ground quickly?

Britney Spears Shaves Her Head
Didn't this skank show her kooch to the world a few months back? Was it shaved? You couldn't really tell. The reality is that I care more about her kooch than her head. Isn't she a singer? Has this chick put out any new songs lately or is she just partying her ass off after dumping that prickfuck she married. Her hot little body has gone to hell and she's mental to boot.
The story about her shaved head dominated the news this past Sunday. There's irony. The media really does need to prioritize. If not, we'll soon find out how many pieces of corn were in Barack Obama's stool after one of his $500/plate fundraising dinners.

Duke Basketball
For those of you not into college basketball, let me help out. Duke had been in the Top 25 for the last 10 years, until last week. They lost 5 games in a row, which is a sign of the second coming. Anyway, they won a game and miraculously re-appeared in the Top 25 again (Rank - 15).
Just to recap, I still say that for a bunch of allegedly intelligent people, it was stupid to hire black strippers for an (nearly) all white lacrosse kegger. In Durham, no less. Shit, they still sell nickel bags there.

Anna Nicole Smith
I don't know and I don't give a shit.

Rush Limbaugh
I haven't busted his miniscule balls in a long time, so I wanted to share something he said on last Thursday's show. At approximately 12:25pm, he was asked by a Libertarian caller about our president's credibility, noting that most of what Bush has said about Iraq turned out to be not true. El Rushdo said "Bush does not lie!"
Never? He's never lies! We know he doesn't because Rush said so. It must be true.

Daytona 500
Honestly, this topic is near the Anna Nicole topic on the old "Do I Give A Shit-O-Meter", but I will admit seeing that car skid upside down for a couple of city blocks was a lot cooler that any special effects shit I ever saw in a Die Hard flick.

Ash Wednesday
Where in the Bible did Jesus say, "Smear some black soot on your head and go shopping in rememberance of me"? Nowhere.

NBA All-Star Game
I just realized that Wayne Newton really did perform, and not an animatronic robot facimile. He was nearly lifelike in many respects, but I had more realistic blow-up dolls. Mr. Synthetic really does not need close-up camera angles.

Peace out for now, honkies!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

What the hell just happened? Part 1.

You know, sometimes yours truly needs to get a little break from reality, take a little vacation, recharge the old batteries. So, I'm sitting around the last few weeks, trying to get my thoughts organised about this here blogging thing, when I get the biggest case of writers block ever. EVER. No ideas whatsoever. I gotta take action.

Now, it ain't like I got no fodder for the ole' brain cannon. Ya see, I have a DVD collection that rivals Netflix, and I have not one, but three(3) DVR's, and a Big ole box o' educational tapes from years gone by. And if I'm not sitting on this machine all day, I'm watching the boob tube. So why Willie, why? Why have you been MIA for far too long, you may ask?

I went on a ski trip.

Big deal, some may say..whoop dee freakin' doo...Some of you vomit at the mere mention of the white stuff. See, I've lived in the South all my life, so I'm used to 95 degree weather with 100 percent humidity. Most precipitation I see is clear, not white, (unless it's the once a month the old lady gets off it, ba doom doom cha.) So when I was invited for a FREE fun filled week of fun and frivolity at a ski resort, I said what the heck.

So stay tuned for Part 2 of my trip diary. It'll be a hoot. 5 days, 30 people, 56 cases of beer, 28 large bottles of booze, 2 twelve-person hot tubs, and male to female ratio pushing 4.7 to 1 (still don't know about that one chick.), average age 23, and everybody wantin' Willie B. to show how to do it "Old School". Word up, yo.

Willie B.....seein' ya.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Anna Nicole Won't Rest In Peace

Anna Nicole Smith died this week, and boy, what a fucking mess she left behind. With her son's death a few months earlier, her only heir is a infant girl. Of course, whoever the "baby-daddy" is will get custody of the child and control of her estate, which includes a possible $450million. As we all know, Anna Nicole went all the way to the Supreme Court to fight for the estate of her second husband, a wealthy, yet very old, man that couldn't even make it to his own honeymoon. Instead, she took a male "friend" with her to the Greek Isles. Romantic.
Now every guy with a dick is coming out of the woodwork proclaiming to be the father of the child, including another old dude named Prince Frederick who just happens to be Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband. If it weren't for Viagra, I wouldn't believe it. Even the "Surreal World" hasn't heard of this dickhead yet.
The latest theory is that the father could, indeed, be the old guy that couldn't make it to his honeymoon. Supposedly, the grampy still had some sperm to be dispensed, and Anna Nicole talked him into freezing it for her later use. I've seen pictures of this guy and I would imagine he was shooting blanks, but what the hell do I know?
One thing is for sure. I can't be the father of the child, but it would be cool to be a suspect. I'd be high-fivin' the Baron and Willie B. and regaling them with stories of bangin' Anna Nicole.
"Yeah, that bitch sure did like my little weiner!"
Of course, I couldn't be the father of that kid. This is because, though I'm not very picky about my women, I am about keeping my two-inch terror from disease. That chick saw more dicks than a urinal, so if I had banged her, I probably would've worn at least one condom, possibly more.
And throw in a dental dam for good measure.
So now Anna Nicole is going to be a legend and we'll be seeing her face on every tabloid for the next 30 years, much like Elvis and Marilyn Monroe. Possible look-a-likes will make appearances in live tributes or, if we're really lucky, porn flicks. That's what I'm talking about, damn it.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Climate Change?

A study was released today by scientists from 113 countries and guess what? Global warming is, in their words, "very likely" caused by humans. And all this time I thought that it was my farts.
But the far right conservatives, who are having some sort of a sexual affair with big industry, doesn't want to fess up that maybe us humans are the cause. This is because then they'd have to push legislation to cut down on pollution. Well, shit, doesn't that just cramp your style.
And these scientists don't paint a pretty picture for the future either. With ice caps melting, that raises sea levels. Think your homeowner's insurance was tough to pay before, wait until your house is under 2o feet of water.
Of course, the brighter ones of us will make our move now. Move inland, invest in "green" technologies (why not make a buck off of global warming?), and other things I haven't thought of yet.
Fifty years from now, I just want to make sure the ice in my Beam and Coke doesn't melt. Is that just too much to ask from our leaders? Shit, Bush should appreciate this argument. He used to be a drunk (but not an alcoholic, because those people are "fucking strange, with their meetings and all"). C'mon George, help a brother out.
So, my advice to all is this: Don't breed, and live it up. We'll be gone when it gets really hot anyway.