Saturday, February 10, 2007

Anna Nicole Won't Rest In Peace

Anna Nicole Smith died this week, and boy, what a fucking mess she left behind. With her son's death a few months earlier, her only heir is a infant girl. Of course, whoever the "baby-daddy" is will get custody of the child and control of her estate, which includes a possible $450million. As we all know, Anna Nicole went all the way to the Supreme Court to fight for the estate of her second husband, a wealthy, yet very old, man that couldn't even make it to his own honeymoon. Instead, she took a male "friend" with her to the Greek Isles. Romantic.
Now every guy with a dick is coming out of the woodwork proclaiming to be the father of the child, including another old dude named Prince Frederick who just happens to be Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband. If it weren't for Viagra, I wouldn't believe it. Even the "Surreal World" hasn't heard of this dickhead yet.
The latest theory is that the father could, indeed, be the old guy that couldn't make it to his honeymoon. Supposedly, the grampy still had some sperm to be dispensed, and Anna Nicole talked him into freezing it for her later use. I've seen pictures of this guy and I would imagine he was shooting blanks, but what the hell do I know?
One thing is for sure. I can't be the father of the child, but it would be cool to be a suspect. I'd be high-fivin' the Baron and Willie B. and regaling them with stories of bangin' Anna Nicole.
"Yeah, that bitch sure did like my little weiner!"
Of course, I couldn't be the father of that kid. This is because, though I'm not very picky about my women, I am about keeping my two-inch terror from disease. That chick saw more dicks than a urinal, so if I had banged her, I probably would've worn at least one condom, possibly more.
And throw in a dental dam for good measure.
So now Anna Nicole is going to be a legend and we'll be seeing her face on every tabloid for the next 30 years, much like Elvis and Marilyn Monroe. Possible look-a-likes will make appearances in live tributes or, if we're really lucky, porn flicks. That's what I'm talking about, damn it.

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