Sunday, March 25, 2007

Charles Manson - Maybe This Time!

If there was ever a weapon in the "War On Drugs", it would be Charles Manson. Let's face it, this guy could blame his drug use on all kinds of trouble. And once the rest of the "family" came down, they even probably looked at themselves and said, "What the fuck did I just do?" This would be more than fodder for those evil people that think that all drugs are bad.
Recently, the Baron informed me that Charles Manson is going to be up for parole again this month. For those of you wondering, yes, the Baron does keep up with these kinds of things. That's why we keep him on the payroll.
Anyway, everyone involved, including Charlie himself, knows that he won't get out of jail anytime soon. After nearly forty years, the publicity of the murders still hangs around like a bad fart and the press still likes to talk about it like it happened yesterday. Unfortunately for Manson, who never actually killed anyone, but "led his family" into it, he's portrayed as a psychopathic murderer.
Three women that were members of this "family" are still doing time as well, since they were in fact the ones that carried out the deed. It's amazing what some LSD and a charismatic leader can accomplish. After a few years in prison, the effects of dropping a little "cid" wore off, the ladies did some interviews and I have to tell you, they are not a threat to society. It doesn't matter, though, because they've all resigned themselves to the fact that they're in the poky for good.
Even Chuckie, who's an addled old guy at this point, knows he's just going through the motions with the parole board. But we should continue to give him brief moments of false hope. It's the least we can do the sorry bastard.
And speaking of sorry bastards, since when did Anna Nicole ever do a damn thing that somehow will affect my life some way? I can't watch news anymore without hearing about this chick. Who gives a shit? Seriously, I just want to know how things are in Iraq, the stock market - you know, real news. But what do I get? Autopsy reports! Unless it's my kin, I don't really care how someone goes, especially this trailer trash.
So for the news director who thinks people really gives a rats ass about Anna Nicole, let me give you some advice: Shove a Hairy Carrot up your ass, because you're a piece of shit!!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Doing The Hokey Pokey

I often hear parents say that they'd like their little boy or girl to excel in whatever sport with the end goal being an athletic scholarship to college. Sounds like a great plan. From now on, though, when that coach comes to your house and recruit your kid, ask yourself one question: Is this person trying to help or just pick up my kid like they're in a singles' bar?
What has this got to do with anything? Well, it seems that the ladies' basketball coach at LSU quit her job last week because of an "inappropriate" relationship between her and one of her players. Pokey (yes, that's her name) Chapman got busted when one of her assistant coaches said something to one of the school's administrators. It probably sounded like, "Yo, Dean, I think Pokey's been eating the kooch of one of our players." Hmmm.
Of course, someone should've known something was smelly fishy when she ran her signature "tuna taco weave" on offense. And when she asked her team to give her a "box and one", she wasn't even on the court. There was one report of a player scoring 23 points and Pokey telling the player "You da man, you da man. After the game, my apartment, you da man!" Okay, so I made that one up.
Look, I'm fairly certain that this half-court carpet muncher meant well, but the ramifications are huge. For instance, I'm sure there is already a porn flick version of this in the works. How about "The Pink Shadow"?

Monday, March 12, 2007

It's March, So Leave Me Alone

For those of you who don't know me personally, I'm going to let you in on one of my secret passions. No, not porn, but one that goes just as well with bourbon.
I love college basketball in March. And I was told by my legal team here at the Hairy Carrot Institute that I can't use the term "March Madness" because some prick somewhere copyrighted it. So, from now on, I will refer to it as "March Insanity". Whatever.
Anyway, my ass has been planted in front of the television for the last week watching various conference championship tournaments. Needless to say, I've been inspired by the wins of schools such as Weber St, Eastern Kentucky, and of course, Niagara. And now these guys get to show what they have when they play the big boys from UCLA, Ohio State and Florida.
And I do want to send a special "shout out" to Sydney Lowe and the rest of the NC State Wolfpack team for taking their rival UNC Tarholes to the wire. Needless to say, the Pack will be even better next year and Lowe has turned around a program that was suffering like a Ann Coulter web sponsor.
So, if you're in town and go to a local sportsbar, just shout "Hey, any of you guys Hairy Carrot?" at the top of your lungs and maybe I'll buy you a beer. Or you can just sit down, shut the hell up and enjoy the games.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Ann Coulter

This past weekend, a bunch of ultra-conservatives had their annual love fest, complete with K-Y that heats up when you blow on it. The conference should have been a showcase for all of the Republican presidential candidates, with soundbites and witty remarks about the Democrats included. Instead, an anorexic, unstable blond stole the show with her "off the cuff" statements.
Ann Coulter could be hot, if it weren't for that faraway look in her eyes that makes Manson look like an amateur. One look at the crazy bitch makes any attempt at an erection run for cover. Think Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" and Lorena Bobbitt, rolled into one skinny psycho woman that would gladly kill any man who couldn't satisfy her, or even worse, threatened to leave her. No wonder she's single.
Given the setting, you'd think that this fucked up whore would be amongst her own, but even these God-loving, family-valued neo-cons were a little rattled when she called John Edwards a "faggot" on C-SPAN.
This isn't the first time this certifiable nutjob has put her foot in her mouth. Her books, which other dipshits love to buy, are filled with such shit. But maybe, just maybe, the bitch did herself in this time. Sure, Rush and his rump rangers will defend her. Hell, I've got ten bucks that he spanks it to her picture. But, they're going to have to tap dance a lot more this time. I doubt conservatives will vote her off "Survivor: Dick Cheney's Nutsack", but they'll consider it for a couple of seconds.
I can only envision John Edwards winning his party's nomination and during his acceptance speech, throw out a little riff like this:
"I was asked to speak about Ann Coulter, but they told me if I called her a filthy cunt with a stinky hole, I'd have to go to rehab. Either way, sniff my finger."
Now that would be great television. You see, women can try to be funny. Some are. For instance, Celia Rivenbark, who's link is on this page, is a funny woman. She actually cracks me up. Ann Coulter isn't funny. She's a scary twat being egged on by other scary twats dressed as pasty white men.
So, Ann, stick a cord of firewood up your ass and get over yourself. One of these days, some dumb fuck is going to settle down with you, and when it's all said and done, he's going to beat the living shit out of you. And the best part is that no one will give a crap because you probably asked for it.