Friday, June 29, 2007

Mid-Year Carrot Conference

Sorry, but the Carrot has been "indisposed" for the last few weeks. First of all, there was the Mid-Year Carrot Conference 2007. What's that? You've never heard of the Carrot Conference, you say?

The Carrot Conference is held at least once a year (per the bylaws) and usually somewhere near one of our many distribution centers so we can write it off our taxes. Also, we can get drunk and crash in the warehouse. To avoid drunk driving charges, find a cop and make him or her your best friend. Meet the cop's friends. Then, leave some sort of contraband in their home.

The list of speakers was by far the best we have in a while. The Baron unveiled the new design for the "Honkies for Obama" shirts. Get your orders in while he's still a candidate! Chris Benoit gave a stirring speech on family values and Paris Hilton showed us (via satellite from jail) how to take a dump in front of a lot of people.

Speaking of Paris, I was really moved when she got out of jail last week. It was reminiscent of other people leaving jail/prison, like Martin Luther King Jr and Nelson Mandela.

So, I'm getting back into the swing of things. First off, I'm going to send a posse to find Willie B.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Bulgarian Love Connection

Q. Why do husbands die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Last month, 19 people were arraigned with conspiracy to defraud the United States government. What were they doing? They were arranging marriages between Bulgarians and a bunch of rednecks from South Carolina and Georgia. A total of 28 people have been charged in the scheme, which authorities say go back as much as ten years.

It seems that the couples weren't living together as they had stated on their paperwork. Hell, if that is the basis for making a marriage real, then hardly anyone is "married". And if they were shacking up, doesn't that make them common law spouses in SC? Who knows?

There is one thing I do know and that is that no one would have known the difference. There are around 12million Mexicans running around and the President wants to give them what amounts to amnesty. However, we're ready to prosecute a handful of Bulgarians that actually went to the lengths of getting married to Billy Bob and Jimmy Sue. Shit, we should be grateful that Billy Bob and Jimmy Sue aren't getting married to each other. They're probably related anyhow. To paraphrase a geneticist, "there's no need for DNA testing around here".

Marriage to anyone can be worse (hypothetically) that any prison sentence or deportation, yet even gays want to be married. All of this leads me to several conclusions:
1) Immigration officials would rather go after the little fish
2) Whoever arranged these marriages is the genius, as long as he or she made a buck off of it.
3) Bulgarians should be a lot smarter than marrying anyone from Dillon, SC

Friday, June 01, 2007

What's Next?

So we finished out another May with its motorcycle rallies. For some reason, we can't have one big bike rally, but instead we have two. The Harley guys show up about a week or so before "Da Momo" (see previous post). But in the name of racial harmony, why don't they pool their resources and have a big ole time together?

Two things would be accomplished by doing this: One, Atlantic Beach, home of Da Momo, might actually make a buck. Seems their revenue has dropped steadily during the past few Black Bike rallies and this could get some of those "professionals" Harley riders into the town.
Secondly, I could get an extra week of peace and quiet.

Unfortunately, this all makes too much sense. So here are some suggestions for other rallies.
Latino Bikers
Amerasian Bikers
NAMBLA Bikers (and their little friends, of course)
Cancer Survivor Bikers
Pan African Bikers
Service Industry Bikers
Baby Daddy Bikers
Gay Eskimo Bikers

Speaking of, the Baron himself called our home office with vital information. Seems that David Hyde Pierce, Niles Crane of the "Frasier" television show, is officially out of the closet. Who knew? The way he pranced around sipping lattes nearly had me convinced he wanted to bang Daphne.
How about an Outted Actors Bike rally?