Thursday, July 26, 2007

Lindsay Lohan Is In Big Trouble!

I know, I know. You don't have to say it. Who gives a shit about Lindsay Lohan? Well, evidently, you do. Admit it.

Personally, I didn't want to write about this big dummy, but the Baron called to let me know that he didn't like her or her ilk. The Baron is right in one regard and that is that the press spends way too much time on the new generation of idiot skanks. Brittany, Paris and Lindsay are being rammed down the throats of folks like me that try to avoid it. (Personally, I think Paris has had something rammed down her throat already.)

But do you really care if Nicole Ritchie is knocked up. She's not all that attractive to begin with. No meat on her bones and a face like E.T. And that's glamour!!!

So now we have Lohan plastered all over the news, as if it's news, and pictures of her with her non-working ankle bracelet which couldn't detect the alcohol in her system due to the giant bandage wrapped between the said ankle bracelet and her ankle.

The latest is that the Lindster is claiming the coke in her tight jeans couldn't be hers because she was wearing someone elses pants. I'm sorry, but those jeans were probably made for that tight little behind of hers, so I'm calling "Bullshit!" on L.L.

By the by, her mug shot was actually kind of hot, in a trailer park dirty girl way. Is that acne scars or has she promoted herself to crystal meth?

And what really sucks is that I shouldn't even know this information.

I am asking everyone to help me with a project. As soon as you hear or see something about these turds, turn it off and scream "I don't give shit and Posh Spice can go back to England!"

Friday, July 20, 2007

Are You Going To Eat That?

I'm finally back from my Mid-July sabbatical and I'm already looking forward to my end of July sabbatical. Beer is good for drinking on these hot summer days.

Speaking of ingesting delicious items, an article appeared in USA Today recently on the benefits of placentophagy. For those of you who don't know what the hell I'm talking about (and neither did I until I read the article), placentophagy is the act of eating the placenta after having a kid. Yeah, it's not veal cutlets, but being the open-minded kind of guy I am, I read the entire article to get all the sides of the story.

Evidently, animals have been dining on afterbirth for millenia, why I don't know. The new argument is that it reduces the effects of post partum depression. If Tom Cruise had known about this, he could have avoided looking like an (bigger) asshole on the Today show. "Matt, aliens didn't put us on this planet to eat our innards!"

The article went on to say that nowadays the placenta is freeze-dried, decaffeinated, emulsified and put into a convenient capsule form. Personally, I think "Placenta Tartar" would have been a hit at an upscale restaurant in New York or LA.

Anne Swanson, not of the frozen food fame, actually went to court to retrieve her placenta from the hospital where she gave birth. The staff felt that since there was blood involved, her afterbirth was a hazardous waste material, but since there was litigation pending, they put it in the freezer to await judgement. Remind me not to order anything thawed at the Sunrise Hospital cafeteria in Las Vegas. The judge said something to the effect of, "Just give it to her and leave me alone." Justice tastes great in a capsule form.

So, I guess this opens a whole new world for us. If you're feeling down, eat some placenta. Or, use it as a garnish when self-medicating. Yummy!!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Solving The Illegal Immigration Problem

Congress recently killed the big immigration bill that would have allowed Mexicans to go back home and come back with all of their families. The big problem was that the bill was supported by Presidente Bush, and right now he's not getting much love from the public. Also, the bill's opponents said it would have given amnesty to the Mexicans that are here.

The last time I remember amnesty granting was in the 70's when we told all the guys that ran off to Canada to avoid being sent to Vietnam. President Carter proclaimed them forgiven and let them come back without fear of being sent to jail.

But I digress. The problem with the bill was these people were illegal aliens, which means they weren't supposed to be here in the first damn place. But they work hard and cheap. And this is how we beat back this beaner menace.

First of all, we as Americans have to get off of our lazy asses and work a little more. That means getting a second job or cutting your own grass. You see, if we take the jobs they work, there will be no work for them. Hah!

Secondly, we need a reward system. If you capture a criminal, you get a reward, right? And the government is always bitching about not being able to round up 12 million Mexicans. Make it worth my while, though, and I'll help out. How about a $25 dollar bounty for each illegal turned in to the cops. Shit, even the crackheads will turn in their dealers for that.

Hell, I can think of about $750 worth of illegals working in restaurants right off the top of my head and I'm not even trying hard. That's making bank!!