Friday, August 31, 2007

Queer Eye For That Senator Guy

I've got to get my two cents worth in here. Seems a Senator Larry Craig from Idaho (yeah, I've never heard of the dude either) tried to pick up an undercover cop in a mens' room at an airport. According to the cop, his actions were consistent with what a shitter-stalker would do when you're horny and in enjoying the friendly skies.

Personally, I can attest that the depressurization of the cabin does put a little lead in the pencil sometimes, but that's as far as I go. The last thing I'm thinking of is playing footsies with some dude while dropping anchor.

The Senator claimed he had a wide stance. Come on, man, you're not playing on the offensive line. He also said he was picking up toilet paper off the floor, which the cop interpreted as soliciting hand gestures. Who the hell picks anything up off the floor in a public crapper? No one. Not even the janitor.

But the best part is that the Senator didn't say a word to anyone. Not to his wife, his staff, or even his pastor. Instead, he gets the citation in the mail and pleads guilty via the post office. This isn't a traffic ticket, you dumbass! You go to court, make the cop look stupid (not that hard to do sometimes) and take your best shot of getting out of the mess.

Frankly, I thought the only things that ever came out of Idaho were taters and Napoleon Dynamite. Now I can add dumbshit gay republicans to my list. Maybe his constituents should "Vote For Pedro".

Monday, August 20, 2007

Hug A Honky Day

In the spirit of peace and brotherhood, Dr. Robert Bimbeaux, PhD, has come up with another of his brilliant and alcohol induced ideas: Hug A Honky Day!

By a simple embrace inspired by Amma, the good doctor figured that honkies need some lovin' too. Of course it sounds too easy to make fun of an idea, especially one that involved hugging a stranger, but with some new age music and a little bourbon, it's all good.

So, next time you see a honky who's a little down, give him or her the hug they need.

We do need your help. Even though it's fine to hug a honky any day of the year, we would like your input for a day that is put aside to celebrate Dr. Bimbeaux's genius. Any suggestions will be taken seriously.

Also, we have a great promotional video to help us roll out "Hug A Honky" day. Enjoy.

Friday, August 10, 2007

A New Labor Negotiation Tool

Everyone knows about sick days, vacation days, or the even crappier one, Paid Time Off, which is a combination of both (sounds better than it is, trust me). We all need a break from work every once in a while, but you don't want to call in sick if you're not.
With all of this in mind, we at the Hairy Carrot Institute for Labor Relations have instituted a new benefit that will keep everyone happy.

The "beach day" is nearly the same as a sick day, with the exception that you're not bullshitting your boss when you want to play hookey and hang out on the beach drinking beer all day. Just call in and say, "Sorry, I can't come in. I'm taking a beach day." Your boss will respect your honesty.

Of course, when you're in the process of a job interview, you should ask about the "beach day program". Or, if your employer is on the ball, he or she will bring it up first.

"You get health benefits, 5 sick days a year and 5 beach days a year."

Now that's who I would want to work for! By the way, don't send us your resumes.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Kiteboarding Idiots

Ever go to the beach and want to relax in about three feet of water with a beer in your hand? Sure, why not. Ever wonder if you're about to get decapitated by some dick who's kiteboarding? Hmmmm....

A few weeks back, I'm chillin' like Bob Dylan with my homies (and some little homies) and we see this thing coming down the beach from about a mile away. No shit, it was that big. If you haven't seen one, it looks like a very large, yet festively colored, maxi pad. From the shore I'm sure it's very nice to see, with someone below it, strapped in and bouncing in the waves and going pretty fast. I'd estimate you could probably go in excess of 25 mph.

So here I am with my posse and our little heads surfacing, when Karl Kiteboarder goes by past the breakers. That's cool, I'm thinking, because he's gone past us. But no, asshole comes back around for a second pass, and this time he misses us by about 3 feet! What a dick. Not sounding like a prick, but he really could have seriously injured someone.

I stood up and started waving my arms and middle fingers at him, but dude wasn't concerned enough to come back for his ass whooping. Unfortunately for him, though, the cop on the beach saw me raising hell. The 5-0 went after numbnuts about 100 yards down the shore and made him bring his rig in and pack it in. Possibly the only time I've had a "good" encounter with a cop.

My message for kiteboarders is this: Stay past the breakers, because if you come near me again and I have to put my beer down, you'll wish there's a cop around to help you out, because I'm going to fuck you up.