Thursday, November 22, 2007

Explain To Me Why I Should Care

Here it is, almost Thanksgiving, and people are unhappy. Why? There are Darfurians starving, Hillary might be our next Presidente, our guys are in Iraq being shot at like target practice and the economy isn't looking to hot. But that's not what is important.

Currently, the Writers Guild of America and some bunch of Broadway show roadies, are on strike. You would think it was the end of the damn world. Both want, of course, more money. The media keeps talking about how it could really affect all of us, but I just don't get it.

By my estimation, I know exactly 4 people that have been to one Broadway show. I know nobody that frequents these shows. "But, Mr. Carrot, it'll hurt the economy of New York!". That's their problem. They shouldn't have shut down all the adult businesses in Times Square. Believe it or not, I am sure that more people like porn and titty bars than gay-ass showtunes. And I'm sure there are homeless people that could move sets and shit around.

As for the writers, too bad, so sad. There are about 2 million people walking around with screenplays they've written, including me. If you can talk, you can probably write, so it's not that rare of a talent or commodity. The producers of television should hire a bunch of free lancers (I for one would love to sell my screenplay, "Redeeming Harry Hondo" as a one-time shot and pay off my bills).

So for you strikers that want the public's sympathy, get over yourselves. And have a happy Thanksgiving!

Saturday, November 03, 2007

To My Dear Television/Movie Producer Friends

Oh the suffering you must be going through. Not knowing if those horrible writers with their selfish intentions will be going on strike. And for what? Because they want more money for future internet distibutions of your products. That would be equal to the cow wanting more money when the farmer takes the milk to the market. The cow has been fed and given a warm place to sleep. But indeed, the cow is not as selfish as the writer.

They want more money from other outlets as well. But what do you want, Mr. Producer? In my world, you are the important one. It is their choice to go on strike, but what will become of you, and the others who depend on you? Will Letterman have to go back to delivering pizzas? Alas, there are worse fates, this is true. But let Dave have his dignity. Do these people not have a conscience? Where are their hearts? Perhaps these writers were born without hearts.

With this all in mind, I would like to assist you. I am offering my services as a writer at "non-union" rates. I can email my humorous jokes and comments via the same internet that those money-hungry writers are so fearful of. Ah, the irony of it all!

Do you need some topical humor? I have it. A screenplay for a low-budget film with great profitability? I am the man for the job. Who needs union writers? Let us join in inviting them in having sex with themselves. Then truly they will learn the lessons of greed and gluttony.