Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas, Ron Paul

Christmas has come and almost gone and I'm sitting here thinking about all the cool shit that people got for Christmas. Britney Spears' sister got a bun in her oven. I honestly didn't see that one coming. Jamie Lyn, or whatever the hell her name is, has had her own show on television for a while, and she seemed like she wasn't nearly as trashy as her older sister, but what the hell do I know? I guess someone forgot to tell her that there are two things in air that could get her pregnant - her legs! Damn, I love that joke.

And even though I've been staying away from the political shit for a reason, I've got to mention what a gift Ron Paul got this weekend. The darling of the Libertarians received his own 30 minutes on Meet Da Press and, boy, did he convince me of one thing. That is a crazy old bastard! Everytime Tim Russert would throw some shit in his face, he'd stand in there and take it like Ricky Hatton. Then he'd respond with some inane response like, "I never said that" or "I'm pretty sure I didn't say that." Oddly enough, he came off like your half-nuts grandpa that you still dig just because he acts stoned even when he's not.
Well, Mr. Paul, you got the endorsement of this Hairy Carrot. Use it in all of your advertisements, right next to your ending the war on drugs platform.

Ron Paul is also an ob/gyn, which means he needs to have a sit down with the Spears girls and perhaps promise them cabinet positions. Of course, Britney would say that the "cabinet" position hurts her knees.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Where Has The Time Gone?

It was just a few short weeks ago that I made my last entry. Since then, all kinds of cool shit has happened, so let's recap.

First of all, the writers are still are strike. I'm not sure what the other side is waiting for, but there are thousands of scabs waiting to be discovered. The producers are proving to be quite vagina-like in these talks and my advice to them is to hire me and others of my ilk, as well as actors who would like to be discovered as well. Then we can get on to the business of horrible sitcoms and late night skit shows just like before.

Possibly the biggest news of the year was the very rare appearance of the Baron. Unannounced, he waved to his fans at the North Myrtle Beach Christmas parade. People along the route were stunned (as well as confused) to see him wishing them good tidings for the season. One local reporter was noted as saying, "Wow. I didn't know the guy would show up for a little parade like this! This something I can tell my grand kids about."
The Baron was also reported to have seen his own shadow, which forebodes another six weeks of drunkenness.

One of my favorite new cable channels is VH1 Classic, which specializes in a lot of 80's hits. Boy, did that music suck. And the videos were equally as bad. Sure there are some diamonds in the rough, but mostly, they smell worse than my ass.
And VH1 Classic doesn't make it any better when they edit videos that we saw in their entirety the first time around. For instance, Dire Straits "Money For Nothing" was actually a great song and video, but someone has decided to delete the whole "faggot" verse. The only "faggot" around here is the person that made that fucked up decision. I want his head on a platter!

Of course, in the "Let's Beat A Dead Fucking Horse Some More" category, the winner is the baseball steroid scandal and the Mitchell report. These accusations can't be true. Players who were skinny naturally became behemoths, played great, retired and shrunk to their former selves again. Just like Bill Bixby, minus the green dye and the nappy afro. Get the man some activator.

That's about all from here. I've got some juice to shoot into my ass cheek to enhance my blogging performance. Word.