Sunday, November 02, 2008

Who Are You Going To Vote For?

Several things have popped up this election year. The economy reared its ugly head, as well as healthcare and terrorism. But the amount of snatch involved really makes a swing voter look a little deeper.

Hillary Clinton, with her cankles and smart pant suits, is out. Personally, I don't think Bill has hit that thing since his first election. I've seen sexier women ring up my produce at the grocery store and I'm grateful that I don't have to look at her on TV for the next four years. From a genetic perspective, Chelsea is rumored to have been involved in some interracial relationships while in college. At least somebody was tapping some Clinton ass.

The other woman directly involved in the election is Sarah Palin. I acknowledge that she's a hottie, albeit a rather dim bulb and most definitely a ballbuster. Far to the right (if she's against gay marriage and abortion, I bet she'd try to take porn off the web), she scares those of us who would probably have voted for McCain. The irony is that she has the look that every woman in porn can easily copy. For details on this, search "Who's Nailin' Palin?". And yes, I'd love to "drill in Alaska", if you know what I mean.

Jill Biden looks like every mom from when I was in Cub Scouts. Joe's second wife (the first died in a car wreck when she found out he was a politician), stays out of the limelight. In my opinion, I like most women that way.

Michelle Obama is having to charter new territory. As the potential "First Sistah" she's been ridiculed and raked over the coals. I know Barack is gettin' him some of dat. Her big ass makes up for those small titties (they look small to me). And her being a lawyer can be boner killer, but on the whole, I wish someone would find a Michelle sex tape for me filmed in Spankervision. Would I go down on her? The correct question is, "has Barack gone down on her?" I think he has, but being half black, he's got to deny it.

Which brings us to the milf from hell, Cindy McCain. Younger (18 years) than the senator, she's his second wife and, more famously, the heiress to a beer fortune. It just doesn't get any better than that. Of course, getting busted for stealing prescription drugs from her own charity and becoming addicted is the icing on the cake. Where is Rush Limbaugh on that one? And yes, a poll of the Hairy Carrot Institute acknowledges that 94% of registered male voters would on that thing like white on rice.

So, when voting this Tuesday, let your little head do the thinking for your big head. Vote for something we can all enjoy for the next four years.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Barack Obama Is The Tiger Woods Of Politics

I've tried my hardest to stay out of the political stuff here lately, mainly because I'm kind of sick of hearing about it all. At work, at bars, and everywhere in between, someone is bitching about Obama or McCain or Bush or congress, etc. The weird part is that no one is gung-ho for anybody. They're just pissed at the choices.

Obama has reaffirmed what I've known all along - that white people like their black people non-threatening, light skinned and articulate. Let's face it, as popular as Snoop Dog is, even the black people wouldn't elect him to office. At least no more than Eminem would get the honky vote! And there are too many similarities to Tiger Woods to mention here, but the short list is the obvious. Both are interracial, went to good schools and worked their asses off to get where they are. Let that be a lesson to you know-it-all punks.

Then there is McCain. I've always liked the guy. For some reason, the Bushies don't like war veterans, unless they are from a war that the Bushies started. McCain and John Kerry both have their faces on dartboards in the Oval Office. And the fact that his wife is a beer heiress is just too sexy. How about Cindy and Sarah Palin in some hot "girl-on-girl" action.

Speaking of Palin, the "McCain/Milf" signs sum it up for me. In her defense, she wasn't prepared for limelight. However, that doesn't mean squat to the owners of Club Paradise Men's Club in Las Vegas. These politically astute businessmen have arranged for a Palin lookalike contest including a debate segment. For those of you planning on attending, please bring $2 bills for insertion in the g-strings. The economy is weak, you know.

For a good and very tasteless laugh, click here. You've been warned.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Don't Be That Guy

A friend of mine was lamenting last week that the economy had gotten so bad he was planning to purchase a scooter to save money on gas. I guess he didn't notice that the only thing good in this economy was that gas prices were dropping like the abstinence rate during Spring Break.

Of course my reply was that everyone would think he had a couple of DUI's. Why? Because those idiots that drive mopeds on busy roads and back up traffic have lost their licenses due to drinking and driving offenses. In other words, they continue to use bad judgement.

So, just remember. When you see that dude going 25mph in a 50mph zone, yell at him. Tell him to sober up. Point your finger. What's he going to do, catch up to you and beat your ass? Much like the "Scarlet Letter", shame him into sobriety and off the road. It's called "hitting bottom" and it's the only thing that will help the person.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Black Widow And The Lady's Man

Just as there were no reservoirs nor dogs in the movie "Reservoir Dogs", there are no black widows nor ladies' men in this blog.

Last weekend, Baron Von Horne flew into town on his private jet. I met up with his entourage and we decided to take everyone out for some uptown fun. Let's just say that it's going to a long time before someone else can claim to have closed Poo's and the Clubhouse in the same night.

How about that wacky economy, eh? It reminds me of the Great Depression. Prostitutes were plying their trade for as low as 10 cents, which probably was the inspiration for the song "Brother Can You Spare A Dime".

Atlantic Beach, SC is also on the verge of shutting it's doors. What's that? The sound of thunderous applause coming from everyone who doesn't live in Atlantic Beach. Actually, I heard that they were seriously trying to secure the Miss America pageant, but no one wanted to be Miss Idaho.

Clay Aiken finally announced he's gay, and that he's been gay this whole time, but we just didn't know it. I expect that Charles Barkley will be calling a press conference to let the world know that he's black.

Lindsay Lohan fessed up to munching the rug for the last few years. Sa-weet!

Sarah Palin hasn't done a lot. I don't think her "handlers" think she's very bright, because they won't let her talk to the press. She's the Vice Presidential nominee, not a hemophiliac on a bed of nails. She's a big girl and you have to let her leave the nest. Fly, little Sarah, fly! By the way, if she spins around, does she turn into Wonder Woman?

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

What a hot damned summer it's been. Luckily, the ocean is about five minutes away by automobile. Beer on the beach is sweet like honey.

All kinds of stuff has been going on. The Olympics were pretty cool, despite the bitching ahead of time about algae in the lake and the pollution everywhere. And you have to give it to those Beijiners (or whatever you call them). The opening ceremonies were excellent. On the other hand, the closing ceremonies were weird. Nobody in that stadium knew who Jimmy Page was and his lame ass unplugged guitar solo was just too creepy.

Those chicks playing beach volleyball rocked too. Even the ugly girls from countries without vowels in their names looked good in those tightass little outfits with the sweat/sand mixture going on. You know what I'm talking about, dawg.

Then there's the political conventions. Ouch. I don't care which party you're affiliated with, their conventions suck a big donkey log. Talk about your mutual ass-kissing societies. Watching it is like watching gay porn - I know someone is enjoying the shit out of it, but it's making me very uncomfortable.

The other big news around here has been local townships wanting to do away with all of the bikers. I guess someone has had enough of that loud shit for a while. If you listen to people closely, you can hear the "it's really the black guys that ruin it for everyone" argument. Too bad.

On the literary front, I finally purchased a Celia Rivenbark classic, "Stop Dressing Your Six-Year Old Like A Skank." For those of you unfamiliar with Ms. Rivenbark's work, I would say she is on par with Lewis Grizzard. Unfortunately, there were too many references to the University of North Carolina for my taste, but we'll let her slide on that. After looking at her picture on the cover, I bet she's a lot hotter than she says in her book. I have found I now fantasize about her asking me to write the forward to her next piece of literary art. Seriously.

After much haggling, I finally went to Hard Rock Park. The place has like 10 rides, and of course, two of those weren't working. Good news, though, is that there are no lines. Bring a swimsuit in case you want to get soaked and listen to steel drum versions of Steely Dan and the Doors. A lot of people are wondering if the park will reopen next year. They could, but they've got to make some upgrades on the rides and lower the prices. Fried chicken or pizza for $10 is a little steep for a little honky like me.

So, between laying on the beach with a beer and watching TV, it's been crazy. And I've actually tracked down Willie B. Hardigan, who has agreed to come out of hiding and contribute to this blog. Ever since the Iranians put that fatwa (non-binding) on his head, he's been a bit skittish.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Dining Out In Myrtle Beach

I finally broke down the other evening and went out to eat a meal. For those of you not familiar with the Grand Strand, the one area that constantly needs to be addressed is getting good help. It's been like that forever, or at least since I moved here nearly 20 years ago. So I can hardly be surprised to wait 30-45 minutes to be seated by a pierced chick and served by a dude with tattoos. Actually, I kind of expect it.

Maybe I'm a little old school, but I've always been taught that when you're at work you need to cover that shit up. However, it doesn't matter if you go to a "fine dining" establishment or Burger King, you're still getting the cream of the crap taking your order and managing to screw that up.

I especially am wary of the ones that think that they're too good at their job to write the order down. These people always bring me something I didn't want (vegetables!) and when I send it back, you know they just scrape it off the plate with their nasty fingers - the ones that were just inside their nostrils 15 seconds before.

Unfortunately for the restaurants, the seasonal nature of this area results in this caliber of employee. Not my problem, though. I'll go to Food Lion and make a sandwich. My hands are clean.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Hard Suck Park

Well, the bikers (Harley version) are on their merry little way to Myrtle Beach again so I can expect to have lots of noise and traffic. Us locals watch the news updates to see how many fatalities we'll incur. The over/under is 6.

And these bikers will have something new to experience this year, though. The Hard Rock Park has opened and reviews are mixed, and that's being very nice. Here is a list of some comments I've heard lately.

1. The employees are less than cordial. My sources have noted that some are taking the whole "rock star" persona on a little too much. Okay, I can understand these idiots are working at Disney, but do they have to badger little kids into playing midway games?

2. The price is too high. Again, it's not Disney, but at the same time, Carowinds is a lot bigger and better and cheaper.

3. You have to pay for certain attractions like the rock climbing wall. This just goes right into the WTF file. If I dropped $50 to get in, I'm not giving you more money to climb a wall.

4. The park will have big name acts, like the Eagles, but you have to pay extra to see these shows. How about giving season ticket holders a break on this? Most season ticket holders are locals and you could show some love. Of course, like every other bunch of assholes that comes to town and starts up some attraction, these jerkoffs don't understand that the locals will tell everyone how much you suck when you piss them off. I've seen it too many times in the past. Treat the locals like dirt and you'll be out of business in under 5 years. Trust me on this one.

5. The other customers are scumbags. How about a dress code? Sorry, but these are the same yahoos that thought the Pavillion was fantastic and "citified".

6. A ride still isn't operating. The RPM rollercoaster is a first of its kind that combines a ferry wheel and a roller coaster, so I'm going to give some slack on this one. It actually looks pretty cool, but it's not up to speed. Test it on some of the employees first.

Personally, I'll hang back, let this shit work itself out and then I might go. Of course, I'd rather sit on the beach, drink my beer and watch girls in bikinis instead.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Artie Lange - Who Gives A Happy Shit?

After a month and a half of technical difficulties, I'm back on the air. I knew you bitches couldn't keep your panties from getting into a wad, so I figured out the problem. Actually, I blame Google. There, I said it.

For some reason, the stress in my life was keeping me awake last evening, so around 3am I gave up trying to sleep and decided to surf a bit on the web. To my amazement, I ran across a "video" of Artie Lange quitting the "Howard Stern Show", which was actually an audio recording of the incident. In a nutshell, Artie got pissed at his personal assistant and, after what sounded like a muffled clusterfuck, Stern said that his behavior was unacceptable. Artie offered to quit and Stern took him up on it, with comments like "Wow, that was horrible" and shit like that. Of course, Robin Quivers (a last name that belongs in quadraplegic porn) had to throw her two cents in as well.

The best part was Stern and Artie exchanging "I love you"'s to each other throughout the ordeal. As painful as it was for these two homo sounding jerkoffs, it was even worse for me. I'd rather listen to Hillary Clinton explain how she "mis-spoke" her bullshit than this excuse for entertaining radio. And of course, the New Jersey weenie boys calling in their expression of sympathy for Stern gave me an instant understanding why the state needs to be quarantined.

Frankly, people with no lives are actually following this as if another Kennedy was assassinated. Get the hell over it, dickheads. Artie Lange's brightest career moment was, and will forever be, his "lardass gets the girl" flick, "Beer League". Rent it and watch the slug's movie career peak.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Internet Games

We're all familiar with the internet games that come with our computers. Checkers, backgammon and the rest. Have you ever played these things? If so, then you know what a bunch of little pricks are out there.

I won't go into too much detail, but needless to say people are weasels. They'll quit playing if they're losing, or worse, just sit there and not move, take their turn or whatever, so you'll quit from boredom. Take an ass whipping like a man.

The worst of all are the Yahoo Games. They're rated, and of course, so are the players. If you're new to a game and you would like to practice, they don't want you, so you get "booted" from all the good tables. For instance, say you're really good at backgammon, but you've never actually played on Yahoo, you're lack of a record would make people not want to play you (if that makes sense). It's the same logic of ACC basketball teams not wanting to play the mid-majors. A loss hurts more than a win helps. It's a lose-lose scenario, just like the obvious social skills of these players.

Screw good sportmanship!!

Friday, February 01, 2008

Domino's And Their Gay-Ass Doorhangers

Domino's Pizza, those pie-delivering pizza experts, have always been known for the inventive advertising schemes. Remember little "Noid" fucker? I hated that creepy turd from the start and always thought he should have tortured like a terrorist for my enjoyment.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when I found an doorhanger hanging around my knob. (How it got there, I'll never tell.) On it was printed something to the effect of "I'm still in the shower. I didn't think you'd be here so fast." The message here was clear. Domino's delivery is so fast at bringing you a delicious sausage and black olive on a hand tossed crust that you shouldn't make any plans for the next 30 minutes or so.

Is this really a big problem for them? Do people plan their personal hygiene around the downtime of waiting for food to be delivered? And does their delivery staff become less efficient because they are on porches waiting for doors to be answered while the customers are toweling off? Obviously, the answer is yes, because Domino's went to the trouble of printing a lot of these things up and sticking them on everyone's door.

This made me think of other door hangers that could be printed, or handwritten, just for the person bringing my pizza to read.

"Hang on a sec. I'm trying to jerk off."
"Never mind the blood. The last delivery guy copped an attitude about the shitty tip I gave him."
"Why are you charging me $11 for something that costs you 75 cents to make?"
"I know you're there, but if you ring the doorbell one more time, I'm going to hang you up like the dude from INXS."
"Why can't you guys ever get my order right?"
"The Papa John guy said you like to swallow."

The possibilities are endless. So think of your own and let me know what you come up with. And enjoy that delicious deep dish crust.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

2007 - The Year In Review

It's 2008 already. Boy, did time fly! Alas, the obligatory "Year In Review" blog is here, so hunker down for the recap.

The big news of the year was the sudden and almost unexpected death of Anna Nicole Smith. Like we didn't see that train wreck coming. The buxom and usually sedated former Playboy gal showed us that dreams could come true, especially if your dream was to go from trailer trash to punchline in 10 years flat. I'll always remember her as the lady that married the old dude and then went to the Greek Isles with another, much younger guy for her "honeymoon". Class act all around. Of course, at her death, a revolving door of guys came forth claiming to have been the guy in the room during the conception of her infant daughter. Like we used to say in college, guys were double parking their dicks on her ass waiting their turn. We'll miss her.

A bridge in Minnesota collapsed, killing several. The obvious knee jerk reaction was to quickly inspect all the other bridges and have politicians call for money to repair them all. Unfortunately, we can't, because we're too busy repairing the bridges we blew up in Iraq. Score another point for George W. on that one.

Speaking of politicians, a gaggle of these assholes came out of the woodwork for the presidency about a year too early. Hillary Clinton, a Democrat who votes with the Republicans on the side of war, said that she's the candidate of change. I don't get it, but neither will she.

Fred Thompson, the haggard old politician/actor who always looks like a president, was convinced to run by his drinking buddies. He doesn't seem to have his heart into it, though. You can't blame the guy. He's old and has a hot young wife. Let's see, put up with political crap or take a couple of Viagras and bang the lass. You figure it out.

Along the same lines, we had an anti-gay Senator try to get some dick in an airport men's restroom. I know a guy that got drunk in a bar and banged a girl in the john, but trying to make a first impression while pinching one off is just bad taste.

Love came in many forms last year. NASA has a female astronaut/stalker who put on a diaper and drove for hours to confront her lover's wife. Too many jokes, not enough time.

Michael Vick ended his career by doing what every Asian chef wants to do, kill a dog. Okay, so Michael didn't cook and serve the dog, but I just wanted to get that in there. My bad.

Of course, my favorite item was the emergence of the 2 Girls 1 Cup video. Now this is what the internet was built for. And along with it, comes the plethora of "reaction videos" on YouTube and the sequels. For instance, 2 Girls 1 Finger was deserving of an Oscar. These are not the ladies I would kiss on the mouth, but hey, different strokes and all that shit.

Then there is that Cho asshole that shot up Virginia Tech, the South Carolina college students that got killed in a housefire in Ocean Isle, NC, and assorted missing college females that turned up dead. Let's face it - 2007 was not a good year for higher education.

I'm sure I didn't touch on everything, just the important stuff. Enjoy the New Year and remember that the Chinese calendar has 2008 as the Year of the Hairy Carrot!