I was avoiding this project momentarily, because I didn't want it to be another list of people who died, important moments, etc. This review of the past 12 months will be different!
I have boiled 2009 (aka the Crappy Year), down to three defining moments which you can expand on your own time.
1. Barack Obama becomes President. Good for him. He is the President. After a campaign of changing old attitudes, he didn't. For the first time in a long time, most people dislike BOTH political parties. Keep up the good work, politicians. We're starting to hate you all.
2. Michael Jackson died. Forever the showman, Michael died a few hours after Farrah Fawcett. Couldn't hold out for a week, asshole? They say they go in 3's. In a 2 week period, Michael, Farrah, Ed McMahon and the bearded guy from the commercials all died. Sorry, but the math just doesn't work out on that one. Back to Mr. Jackson, his funeral cost millions of dollars and then they had another burial service like a month later. Note - I want to see DNA testing on those kids. There's not a drop of "jackson juice" in them. They're being raised ala Navin Johnson.
3. Tiger Woods' affairs. A pro athlete with millions of dollars, travels the country 9 months of the year and banging chicks left and right. Say it ain't so! Why do you think kids want to grow up to be pro athletes? Precisely because you can hook up in a lot of different cities with different women and move on to the next town. And ladies, trust me on this one. For all of the guys that are acting like they're upset about it, they are not. We just don't want to have to listen to your "would you do that to me if you were a professional golfer?" shit. The lesson to be learned here is that if you're a pro athlete, don't get married until you retire.
The underlying thread to all of this: Three light-skinned African Americans have dominated the headlines. Yes, I know that Jackson hit the Clorox too hard, but the shoe still fits.
We at the Hairy Carrot hope you have a great New Year!