Hairy Carrot

Gulf Coast Lover

2010-06-03T02:23:00.000-07:00

Below is a public service message from BP:

Baby, you and me got a problem. Remember the other night when I was making sweet love to you and you said "Pull it out!" at the top of your lungs? Well, I did, but something happened that I never expected.

My rig toppled over just like we thought it would when I'm done, but damn if it wasn't the gusher of the century. Hell, I'm still getting that nut and there ain't enough "quicker picker up" towels around to clean up that mess. We're talking gooey mess everywhere, even on wildlife.

Just bear with me until August. That's all I ask from you.

Oh yeah, one more thing. I want my life back.

You can follow us on Twitter @BobbyBimbo

Conan Hates Cynicism

2010-01-30T04:22:00.000-08:00

I know I should have posted this a week ago, but I just wasn't in the mood. To be honest, I was mourning the inevitable death of J.D. Salinger. Amazing how idiots who never heard of the guy are upset at his passing. Same bunch that cried for Syd Barrett and had no idea who he was either.

Last week, Conan O'Brien lost the "Tonight Show" after an ugly battle with NBC. Why did he lose the show? Because Letterman was kicking his ass in the ratings, that's why! Nothing against Conan. He's a funny guy, but he wasn't getting the job done.

The weird part was Jay Leno (who's own show was sucking hard in the ratings) acted like he was taking one for the team and agreed to come to the rescue and take the "Tonight Show" back. The even weirder part was how many numbnuts came out of the woodwork to take sides. Who gives a happy shit?

Conan, being a man of wealth and taste, gave a nearly tear jerking speech on how NBC had been his home for all of these years and yes, they have differences. Boo fucking hoo. But the best part was his baby tongue-lashing to his audience because he doesn't like cynics or the evil they do. Give me a break, Coco! It's easy for a guy who just got a $45 million payout to not be cynical.

So for everyone who got emotionally attached to this uninteresting soap opera, my advice is to be cynical. Take Conan off of your Facebook profile pic and worry about something that does affect your life, like proposed beer taxes.

2009 Year In Review

2009-12-31T05:26:00.000-08:00

I was avoiding this project momentarily, because I didn't want it to be another list of people who died, important moments, etc. This review of the past 12 months will be different!

I have boiled 2009 (aka the Crappy Year), down to three defining moments which you can expand on your own time.

1. Barack Obama becomes President. Good for him. He is the President. After a campaign of changing old attitudes, he didn't. For the first time in a long time, most people dislike BOTH political parties. Keep up the good work, politicians. We're starting to hate you all.

2. Michael Jackson died. Forever the showman, Michael died a few hours after Farrah Fawcett. Couldn't hold out for a week, asshole? They say they go in 3's. In a 2 week period, Michael, Farrah, Ed McMahon and the bearded guy from the commercials all died. Sorry, but the math just doesn't work out on that one. Back to Mr. Jackson, his funeral cost millions of dollars and then they had another burial service like a month later. Note - I want to see DNA testing on those kids. There's not a drop of "jackson juice" in them. They're being raised ala Navin Johnson.

3. Tiger Woods' affairs. A pro athlete with millions of dollars, travels the country 9 months of the year and banging chicks left and right. Say it ain't so! Why do you think kids want to grow up to be pro athletes? Precisely because you can hook up in a lot of different cities with different women and move on to the next town. And ladies, trust me on this one. For all of the guys that are acting like they're upset about it, they are not. We just don't want to have to listen to your "would you do that to me if you were a professional golfer?" shit. The lesson to be learned here is that if you're a pro athlete, don't get married until you retire.

The underlying thread to all of this: Three light-skinned African Americans have dominated the headlines. Yes, I know that Jackson hit the Clorox too hard, but the shoe still fits.

We at the Hairy Carrot hope you have a great New Year!

Introducing Dr. Robert Bimbeaux, PhD

2009-12-23T11:09:00.000-08:00

Here at the Hairy Carrot Institute, we've been working on several issues that affect mankind. Least of all has been this stupid blog. It's obvious that it needs help. We haven't posted anything in over a year. Therefore, we've brought in the big guns.

Dr. Robert Bimbeaux, PhD is currently the head of the Hairy Carrot Home for Promiscuous Girls, a non-profit organization that gives back to the ladies that give all they have. Paying it forward, the good doctor, also know as Bobby Bimbo, has accepted the position of contributor for this blog.

Stay tuned and don't give up hope for us here. Christmas is just around the corner and then the beginning of a New Year, full of promise and resolutions that just won't be kept. Like we say, "Keep 'em hanging on with brief moment of false hope."

Who Are You Going To Vote For?

2008-11-02T03:15:00.000-08:00

Several things have popped up this election year. The economy reared its ugly head, as well as healthcare and terrorism. But the amount of snatch involved really makes a swing voter look a little deeper.

Hillary Clinton, with her cankles and smart pant suits, is out. Personally, I don't think Bill has hit that thing since his first election. I've seen sexier women ring up my produce at the grocery store and I'm grateful that I don't have to look at her on TV for the next four years. From a genetic perspective, Chelsea is rumored to have been involved in some interracial relationships while in college. At least somebody was tapping some Clinton ass.

The other woman directly involved in the election is Sarah Palin. I acknowledge that she's a hottie, albeit a rather dim bulb and most definitely a ballbuster. Far to the right (if she's against gay marriage and abortion, I bet she'd try to take porn off the web), she scares those of us who would probably have voted for McCain. The irony is that she has the look that every woman in porn can easily copy. For details on this, search "Who's Nailin' Palin?". And yes, I'd love to "drill in Alaska", if you know what I mean.

Jill Biden looks like every mom from when I was in Cub Scouts. Joe's second wife (the first died in a car wreck when she found out he was a politician), stays out of the limelight. In my opinion, I like most women that way.

Michelle Obama is having to charter new territory. As the potential "First Sistah" she's been ridiculed and raked over the coals. I know Barack is gettin' him some of dat. Her big ass makes up for those small titties (they look small to me). And her being a lawyer can be boner killer, but on the whole, I wish someone would find a Michelle sex tape for me filmed in Spankervision. Would I go down on her? The correct question is, "has Barack gone down on her?" I think he has, but being half black, he's got to deny it.

Which brings us to the milf from hell, Cindy McCain. Younger (18 years) than the senator, she's his second wife and, more famously, the heiress to a beer fortune. It just doesn't get any better than that. Of course, getting busted for stealing prescription drugs from her own charity and becoming addicted is the icing on the cake. Where is Rush Limbaugh on that one? And yes, a poll of the Hairy Carrot Institute acknowledges that 94% of registered male voters would on that thing like white on rice.

So, when voting this Tuesday, let your little head do the thinking for your big head. Vote for something we can all enjoy for the next four years.

Barack Obama Is The Tiger Woods Of Politics

2008-10-18T03:54:00.000-07:00

I've tried my hardest to stay out of the political stuff here lately, mainly because I'm kind of sick of hearing about it all. At work, at bars, and everywhere in between, someone is bitching about Obama or McCain or Bush or congress, etc. The weird part is that no one is gung-ho for anybody. They're just pissed at the choices.

Obama has reaffirmed what I've known all along - that white people like their black people non-threatening, light skinned and articulate. Let's face it, as popular as Snoop Dog is, even the black people wouldn't elect him to office. At least no more than Eminem would get the honky vote! And there are too many similarities to Tiger Woods to mention here, but the short list is the obvious. Both are interracial, went to good schools and worked their asses off to get where they are. Let that be a lesson to you know-it-all punks.

Then there is McCain. I've always liked the guy. For some reason, the Bushies don't like war veterans, unless they are from a war that the Bushies started. McCain and John Kerry both have their faces on dartboards in the Oval Office. And the fact that his wife is a beer heiress is just too sexy. How about Cindy and Sarah Palin in some hot "girl-on-girl" action.

Speaking of Palin, the "McCain/Milf" signs sum it up for me. In her defense, she wasn't prepared for limelight. However, that doesn't mean squat to the owners of Club Paradise Men's Club in Las Vegas. These politically astute businessmen have arranged for a Palin lookalike contest including a debate segment. For those of you planning on attending, please bring $2 bills for insertion in the g-strings. The economy is weak, you know.

For a good and very tasteless laugh, click here. You've been warned.

Don't Be That Guy

2008-10-12T03:47:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine was lamenting last week that the economy had gotten so bad he was planning to purchase a scooter to save money on gas. I guess he didn't notice that the only thing good in this economy was that gas prices were dropping like the abstinence rate during Spring Break.

Of course my reply was that everyone would think he had a couple of DUI's. Why? Because those idiots that drive mopeds on busy roads and back up traffic have lost their licenses due to drinking and driving offenses. In other words, they continue to use bad judgement.

So, just remember. When you see that dude going 25mph in a 50mph zone, yell at him. Tell him to sober up. Point your finger. What's he going to do, catch up to you and beat your ass? Much like the "Scarlet Letter", shame him into sobriety and off the road. It's called "hitting bottom" and it's the only thing that will help the person.

The Black Widow And The Lady's Man

2008-09-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

Just as there were no reservoirs nor dogs in the movie "Reservoir Dogs", there are no black widows nor ladies' men in this blog.

Last weekend, Baron Von Horne flew into town on his private jet. I met up with his entourage and we decided to take everyone out for some uptown fun. Let's just say that it's going to a long time before someone else can claim to have closed Poo's and the Clubhouse in the same night.

How about that wacky economy, eh? It reminds me of the Great Depression. Prostitutes were plying their trade for as low as 10 cents, which probably was the inspiration for the song "Brother Can You Spare A Dime".

Atlantic Beach, SC is also on the verge of shutting it's doors. What's that? The sound of thunderous applause coming from everyone who doesn't live in Atlantic Beach. Actually, I heard that they were seriously trying to secure the Miss America pageant, but no one wanted to be Miss Idaho.

Clay Aiken finally announced he's gay, and that he's been gay this whole time, but we just didn't know it. I expect that Charles Barkley will be calling a press conference to let the world know that he's black.

Lindsay Lohan fessed up to munching the rug for the last few years. Sa-weet!

Sarah Palin hasn't done a lot. I don't think her "handlers" think she's very bright, because they won't let her talk to the press. She's the Vice Presidential nominee, not a hemophiliac on a bed of nails. She's a big girl and you have to let her leave the nest. Fly, little Sarah, fly! By the way, if she spins around, does she turn into Wonder Woman?

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

2008-09-03T14:44:00.000-07:00

What a hot damned summer it's been. Luckily, the ocean is about five minutes away by automobile. Beer on the beach is sweet like honey.

All kinds of stuff has been going on. The Olympics were pretty cool, despite the bitching ahead of time about algae in the lake and the pollution everywhere. And you have to give it to those Beijiners (or whatever you call them). The opening ceremonies were excellent. On the other hand, the closing ceremonies were weird. Nobody in that stadium knew who Jimmy Page was and his lame ass unplugged guitar solo was just too creepy.

Those chicks playing beach volleyball rocked too. Even the ugly girls from countries without vowels in their names looked good in those tightass little outfits with the sweat/sand mixture going on. You know what I'm talking about, dawg.

Then there's the political conventions. Ouch. I don't care which party you're affiliated with, their conventions suck a big donkey log. Talk about your mutual ass-kissing societies. Watching it is like watching gay porn - I know someone is enjoying the shit out of it, but it's making me very uncomfortable.

The other big news around here has been local townships wanting to do away with all of the bikers. I guess someone has had enough of that loud shit for a while. If you listen to people closely, you can hear the "it's really the black guys that ruin it for everyone" argument. Too bad.

On the literary front, I finally purchased a Celia Rivenbark classic, "Stop Dressing Your Six-Year Old Like A Skank." For those of you unfamiliar with Ms. Rivenbark's work, I would say she is on par with Lewis Grizzard. Unfortunately, there were too many references to the University of North Carolina for my taste, but we'll let her slide on that. After looking at her picture on the cover, I bet she's a lot hotter than she says in her book. I have found I now fantasize about her asking me to write the forward to her next piece of literary art. Seriously.

After much haggling, I finally went to Hard Rock Park. The place has like 10 rides, and of course, two of those weren't working. Good news, though, is that there are no lines. Bring a swimsuit in case you want to get soaked and listen to steel drum versions of Steely Dan and the Doors. A lot of people are wondering if the park will reopen next year. They could, but they've got to make some upgrades on the rides and lower the prices. Fried chicken or pizza for $10 is a little steep for a little honky like me.

So, between laying on the beach with a beer and watching TV, it's been crazy. And I've actually tracked down Willie B. Hardigan, who has agreed to come out of hiding and contribute to this blog. Ever since the Iranians put that fatwa (non-binding) on his head, he's been a bit skittish.

Dining Out In Myrtle Beach

2008-07-29T14:07:00.000-07:00

I finally broke down the other evening and went out to eat a meal. For those of you not familiar with the Grand Strand, the one area that constantly needs to be addressed is getting good help. It's been like that forever, or at least since I moved here nearly 20 years ago. So I can hardly be surprised to wait 30-45 minutes to be seated by a pierced chick and served by a dude with tattoos. Actually, I kind of expect it.

Maybe I'm a little old school, but I've always been taught that when you're at work you need to cover that shit up. However, it doesn't matter if you go to a "fine dining" establishment or Burger King, you're still getting the cream of the crap taking your order and managing to screw that up.

I especially am wary of the ones that think that they're too good at their job to write the order down. These people always bring me something I didn't want (vegetables!) and when I send it back, you know they just scrape it off the plate with their nasty fingers - the ones that were just inside their nostrils 15 seconds before.

Unfortunately for the restaurants, the seasonal nature of this area results in this caliber of employee. Not my problem, though. I'll go to Food Lion and make a sandwich. My hands are clean.

Hard Suck Park

2008-05-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

Well, the bikers (Harley version) are on their merry little way to Myrtle Beach again so I can expect to have lots of noise and traffic. Us locals watch the news updates to see how many fatalities we'll incur. The over/under is 6.

And these bikers will have something new to experience this year, though. The Hard Rock Park has opened and reviews are mixed, and that's being very nice. Here is a list of some comments I've heard lately.

1. The employees are less than cordial. My sources have noted that some are taking the whole "rock star" persona on a little too much. Okay, I can understand these idiots are working at Disney, but do they have to badger little kids into playing midway games?

2. The price is too high. Again, it's not Disney, but at the same time, Carowinds is a lot bigger and better and cheaper.

3. You have to pay for certain attractions like the rock climbing wall. This just goes right into the WTF file. If I dropped $50 to get in, I'm not giving you more money to climb a wall.

4. The park will have big name acts, like the Eagles, but you have to pay extra to see these shows. How about giving season ticket holders a break on this? Most season ticket holders are locals and you could show some love. Of course, like every other bunch of assholes that comes to town and starts up some attraction, these jerkoffs don't understand that the locals will tell everyone how much you suck when you piss them off. I've seen it too many times in the past. Treat the locals like dirt and you'll be out of business in under 5 years. Trust me on this one.

5. The other customers are scumbags. How about a dress code? Sorry, but these are the same yahoos that thought the Pavillion was fantastic and "citified".

6. A ride still isn't operating. The RPM rollercoaster is a first of its kind that combines a ferry wheel and a roller coaster, so I'm going to give some slack on this one. It actually looks pretty cool, but it's not up to speed. Test it on some of the employees first.

Personally, I'll hang back, let this shit work itself out and then I might go. Of course, I'd rather sit on the beach, drink my beer and watch girls in bikinis instead.

Artie Lange - Who Gives A Happy Shit?

2008-04-11T16:27:00.000-07:00

After a month and a half of technical difficulties, I'm back on the air. I knew you bitches couldn't keep your panties from getting into a wad, so I figured out the problem. Actually, I blame Google. There, I said it.

For some reason, the stress in my life was keeping me awake last evening, so around 3am I gave up trying to sleep and decided to surf a bit on the web. To my amazement, I ran across a "video" of Artie Lange quitting the "Howard Stern Show", which was actually an audio recording of the incident. In a nutshell, Artie got pissed at his personal assistant and, after what sounded like a muffled clusterfuck, Stern said that his behavior was unacceptable. Artie offered to quit and Stern took him up on it, with comments like "Wow, that was horrible" and shit like that. Of course, Robin Quivers (a last name that belongs in quadraplegic porn) had to throw her two cents in as well.

The best part was Stern and Artie exchanging "I love you"'s to each other throughout the ordeal. As painful as it was for these two homo sounding jerkoffs, it was even worse for me. I'd rather listen to Hillary Clinton explain how she "mis-spoke" her bullshit than this excuse for entertaining radio. And of course, the New Jersey weenie boys calling in their expression of sympathy for Stern gave me an instant understanding why the state needs to be quarantined.

Frankly, people with no lives are actually following this as if another Kennedy was assassinated. Get the hell over it, dickheads. Artie Lange's brightest career moment was, and will forever be, his "lardass gets the girl" flick, "Beer League". Rent it and watch the slug's movie career peak.

Internet Games

2008-02-17T14:32:00.000-08:00

We're all familiar with the internet games that come with our computers. Checkers, backgammon and the rest. Have you ever played these things? If so, then you know what a bunch of little pricks are out there.

I won't go into too much detail, but needless to say people are weasels. They'll quit playing if they're losing, or worse, just sit there and not move, take their turn or whatever, so you'll quit from boredom. Take an ass whipping like a man.

The worst of all are the Yahoo Games. They're rated, and of course, so are the players. If you're new to a game and you would like to practice, they don't want you, so you get "booted" from all the good tables. For instance, say you're really good at backgammon, but you've never actually played on Yahoo, you're lack of a record would make people not want to play you (if that makes sense). It's the same logic of ACC basketball teams not wanting to play the mid-majors. A loss hurts more than a win helps. It's a lose-lose scenario, just like the obvious social skills of these players.

Screw good sportmanship!!

Domino's And Their Gay-Ass Doorhangers

2008-02-01T14:43:00.000-08:00

Domino's Pizza, those pie-delivering pizza experts, have always been known for the inventive advertising schemes. Remember little "Noid" fucker? I hated that creepy turd from the start and always thought he should have tortured like a terrorist for my enjoyment.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when I found an doorhanger hanging around my knob. (How it got there, I'll never tell.) On it was printed something to the effect of "I'm still in the shower. I didn't think you'd be here so fast." The message here was clear. Domino's delivery is so fast at bringing you a delicious sausage and black olive on a hand tossed crust that you shouldn't make any plans for the next 30 minutes or so.

Is this really a big problem for them? Do people plan their personal hygiene around the downtime of waiting for food to be delivered? And does their delivery staff become less efficient because they are on porches waiting for doors to be answered while the customers are toweling off? Obviously, the answer is yes, because Domino's went to the trouble of printing a lot of these things up and sticking them on everyone's door.

This made me think of other door hangers that could be printed, or handwritten, just for the person bringing my pizza to read.

"Hang on a sec. I'm trying to jerk off."
"Never mind the blood. The last delivery guy copped an attitude about the shitty tip I gave him."
"Why are you charging me $11 for something that costs you 75 cents to make?"
"I know you're there, but if you ring the doorbell one more time, I'm going to hang you up like the dude from INXS."
"Why can't you guys ever get my order right?"
"The Papa John guy said you like to swallow."

The possibilities are endless. So think of your own and let me know what you come up with. And enjoy that delicious deep dish crust.

2007 - The Year In Review

2008-01-05T11:04:00.000-08:00

It's 2008 already. Boy, did time fly! Alas, the obligatory "Year In Review" blog is here, so hunker down for the recap.

The big news of the year was the sudden and almost unexpected death of Anna Nicole Smith. Like we didn't see that train wreck coming. The buxom and usually sedated former Playboy gal showed us that dreams could come true, especially if your dream was to go from trailer trash to punchline in 10 years flat. I'll always remember her as the lady that married the old dude and then went to the Greek Isles with another, much younger guy for her "honeymoon". Class act all around. Of course, at her death, a revolving door of guys came forth claiming to have been the guy in the room during the conception of her infant daughter. Like we used to say in college, guys were double parking their dicks on her ass waiting their turn. We'll miss her.

A bridge in Minnesota collapsed, killing several. The obvious knee jerk reaction was to quickly inspect all the other bridges and have politicians call for money to repair them all. Unfortunately, we can't, because we're too busy repairing the bridges we blew up in Iraq. Score another point for George W. on that one.

Speaking of politicians, a gaggle of these assholes came out of the woodwork for the presidency about a year too early. Hillary Clinton, a Democrat who votes with the Republicans on the side of war, said that she's the candidate of change. I don't get it, but neither will she.

Fred Thompson, the haggard old politician/actor who always looks like a president, was convinced to run by his drinking buddies. He doesn't seem to have his heart into it, though. You can't blame the guy. He's old and has a hot young wife. Let's see, put up with political crap or take a couple of Viagras and bang the lass. You figure it out.

Along the same lines, we had an anti-gay Senator try to get some dick in an airport men's restroom. I know a guy that got drunk in a bar and banged a girl in the john, but trying to make a first impression while pinching one off is just bad taste.

Love came in many forms last year. NASA has a female astronaut/stalker who put on a diaper and drove for hours to confront her lover's wife. Too many jokes, not enough time.

Michael Vick ended his career by doing what every Asian chef wants to do, kill a dog. Okay, so Michael didn't cook and serve the dog, but I just wanted to get that in there. My bad.

Of course, my favorite item was the emergence of the 2 Girls 1 Cup video. Now this is what the internet was built for. And along with it, comes the plethora of "reaction videos" on YouTube and the sequels. For instance, 2 Girls 1 Finger was deserving of an Oscar. These are not the ladies I would kiss on the mouth, but hey, different strokes and all that shit.

Then there is that Cho asshole that shot up Virginia Tech, the South Carolina college students that got killed in a housefire in Ocean Isle, NC, and assorted missing college females that turned up dead. Let's face it - 2007 was not a good year for higher education.

I'm sure I didn't touch on everything, just the important stuff. Enjoy the New Year and remember that the Chinese calendar has 2008 as the Year of the Hairy Carrot!

Merry Christmas, Ron Paul

2007-12-25T20:37:00.000-08:00

Christmas has come and almost gone and I'm sitting here thinking about all the cool shit that people got for Christmas. Britney Spears' sister got a bun in her oven. I honestly didn't see that one coming. Jamie Lyn, or whatever the hell her name is, has had her own show on television for a while, and she seemed like she wasn't nearly as trashy as her older sister, but what the hell do I know? I guess someone forgot to tell her that there are two things in air that could get her pregnant - her legs! Damn, I love that joke.

And even though I've been staying away from the political shit for a reason, I've got to mention what a gift Ron Paul got this weekend. The darling of the Libertarians received his own 30 minutes on Meet Da Press and, boy, did he convince me of one thing. That is a crazy old bastard! Everytime Tim Russert would throw some shit in his face, he'd stand in there and take it like Ricky Hatton. Then he'd respond with some inane response like, "I never said that" or "I'm pretty sure I didn't say that." Oddly enough, he came off like your half-nuts grandpa that you still dig just because he acts stoned even when he's not.
Well, Mr. Paul, you got the endorsement of this Hairy Carrot. Use it in all of your advertisements, right next to your ending the war on drugs platform.

Ron Paul is also an ob/gyn, which means he needs to have a sit down with the Spears girls and perhaps promise them cabinet positions. Of course, Britney would say that the "cabinet" position hurts her knees.

Where Has The Time Gone?

2007-12-14T01:48:00.002-08:00

It was just a few short weeks ago that I made my last entry. Since then, all kinds of cool shit has happened, so let's recap.

First of all, the writers are still are strike. I'm not sure what the other side is waiting for, but there are thousands of scabs waiting to be discovered. The producers are proving to be quite vagina-like in these talks and my advice to them is to hire me and others of my ilk, as well as actors who would like to be discovered as well. Then we can get on to the business of horrible sitcoms and late night skit shows just like before.

Possibly the biggest news of the year was the very rare appearance of the Baron. Unannounced, he waved to his fans at the North Myrtle Beach Christmas parade. People along the route were stunned (as well as confused) to see him wishing them good tidings for the season. One local reporter was noted as saying, "Wow. I didn't know the guy would show up for a little parade like this! This something I can tell my grand kids about."
The Baron was also reported to have seen his own shadow, which forebodes another six weeks of drunkenness.

One of my favorite new cable channels is VH1 Classic, which specializes in a lot of 80's hits. Boy, did that music suck. And the videos were equally as bad. Sure there are some diamonds in the rough, but mostly, they smell worse than my ass.
And VH1 Classic doesn't make it any better when they edit videos that we saw in their entirety the first time around. For instance, Dire Straits "Money For Nothing" was actually a great song and video, but someone has decided to delete the whole "faggot" verse. The only "faggot" around here is the person that made that fucked up decision. I want his head on a platter!

Of course, in the "Let's Beat A Dead Fucking Horse Some More" category, the winner is the baseball steroid scandal and the Mitchell report. These accusations can't be true. Players who were skinny naturally became behemoths, played great, retired and shrunk to their former selves again. Just like Bill Bixby, minus the green dye and the nappy afro. Get the man some activator.

That's about all from here. I've got some juice to shoot into my ass cheek to enhance my blogging performance. Word.

Explain To Me Why I Should Care

2007-11-22T03:57:00.000-08:00

Here it is, almost Thanksgiving, and people are unhappy. Why? There are Darfurians starving, Hillary might be our next Presidente, our guys are in Iraq being shot at like target practice and the economy isn't looking to hot. But that's not what is important.

Currently, the Writers Guild of America and some bunch of Broadway show roadies, are on strike. You would think it was the end of the damn world. Both want, of course, more money. The media keeps talking about how it could really affect all of us, but I just don't get it.

By my estimation, I know exactly 4 people that have been to one Broadway show. I know nobody that frequents these shows. "But, Mr. Carrot, it'll hurt the economy of New York!". That's their problem. They shouldn't have shut down all the adult businesses in Times Square. Believe it or not, I am sure that more people like porn and titty bars than gay-ass showtunes. And I'm sure there are homeless people that could move sets and shit around.

As for the writers, too bad, so sad. There are about 2 million people walking around with screenplays they've written, including me. If you can talk, you can probably write, so it's not that rare of a talent or commodity. The producers of television should hire a bunch of free lancers (I for one would love to sell my screenplay, "Redeeming Harry Hondo" as a one-time shot and pay off my bills).

So for you strikers that want the public's sympathy, get over yourselves. And have a happy Thanksgiving!

To My Dear Television/Movie Producer Friends

2007-11-03T05:17:00.000-07:00

Oh the suffering you must be going through. Not knowing if those horrible writers with their selfish intentions will be going on strike. And for what? Because they want more money for future internet distibutions of your products. That would be equal to the cow wanting more money when the farmer takes the milk to the market. The cow has been fed and given a warm place to sleep. But indeed, the cow is not as selfish as the writer.

They want more money from other outlets as well. But what do you want, Mr. Producer? In my world, you are the important one. It is their choice to go on strike, but what will become of you, and the others who depend on you? Will Letterman have to go back to delivering pizzas? Alas, there are worse fates, this is true. But let Dave have his dignity. Do these people not have a conscience? Where are their hearts? Perhaps these writers were born without hearts.

With this all in mind, I would like to assist you. I am offering my services as a writer at "non-union" rates. I can email my humorous jokes and comments via the same internet that those money-hungry writers are so fearful of. Ah, the irony of it all!

Do you need some topical humor? I have it. A screenplay for a low-budget film with great profitability? I am the man for the job. Who needs union writers? Let us join in inviting them in having sex with themselves. Then truly they will learn the lessons of greed and gluttony.

Dumbledore Is A Wand Smoker

2007-10-27T04:47:00.000-07:00

Recently, the world of children's make believe was turned on it's head with the news that Professor Dumbledore, the mentor to Harry Potter was an elderly homosexual man. Wow!
Who knew that the beloved wizard was a rump ranger? Obviously, it was actor Richard Harris. Okay, I thought he was portrayed by that other homo, Phil McCracken or whatever his name was. I admit, I was wrong.

After author J.K. Rowling recently outed Dumbledore and verified that he was indeed playing for the pink team, the world was stunned. Who else was gay? Ron Weasley? Malfoy? Alas!

Dumbledore has been the mentor of young, vibrant Harry for seven books and five movies. Each film has Dumbledore showing Harry how to grip his wand, stay with the other boys and keep his distance from Hermione, who has developed into a hot young woman with pert breasts and long silky legs. Even her appearance on Letterman a few months back gave me a junior chub.

So, now I can only sit back and await new adventures of young wizards and the spells put on them by their teachers. For instance, "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone", "Harry Potter and the Gobbler of Semen", "Harry Potter and the Order of the Old Man's Penis", "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets That We Don't Tell Grownups About", and of course, "Harry Potter and the Prison of Ass-Can".

On a side note, Dumbledore was named "Man of the Year" by NAMBLA.

Why Does Iwon Suck So Hard?

2007-09-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, I registered as a user of Iwon, poor excuse of a website. It's a Yahoo wannabe, but you can navigate around and earn "points". Allegedly, they give away $10 grand each day, but I don't know anyone that has ever one, so I can't prove they exist.

I do know one thing for sure. Their Spin & Win game is more predetermined than the Fox News Channel. On a recent visit to the site, I had somehow earned 20 spins. Concentrate for a minute as I give you some figures.

The wheel had 12 different spots for chances, 2 were "sorry", which meant I won zip, the other 10 consisted of mp3 players and cool shit, as well as "coins". I don't know what the hell a coin does, but I did land on coins 3 times. The other 17 fucking times, I got sorry. What are the odds?

Iwon used to use Google as their search engine, but changed to Ask.com, which is just as shitty as Iwon has become. Ask.com rarely gives you a decent search, because they blow, while Iwon sucks. Behold, the yin and yang bad sites.

Hell, I can't even get a decent search for free internet porn on Iwon anymore. First, it filters, even if you don't want it to. Then, the sites are teasers, like those sorority chicks who aren't even that great to begin with.

I guess I'll just stick to google and yahoo for my dirty fun. Iwon can change their name to "FixedShittySite.com" and the shoe will fit.

Boycotting Mattel

2007-09-22T04:24:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've been on here, spreading my wisdom. Unfortunately, things may be even more sporadic for the next few weeks as well. Work, work, work. Hey, Willie B., how about stepping up to the plate and helping out, bro?

A couple of weeks back, Mattel, that huge toy company that we all grew up with in our homes, had to recall a bunch of toys. Seems that Mattel has most of their toys made in China and the Chinese were still using lead paint in their manufacturing. Didn't we do away with lead-based paint like a hundred years ago or something? Are the Chinese that far behind us? Are they using asbestos as well?

After Mattel lost millions of bucks because of this affair, they had a sit-down with the Chinese, who promised to get rid of the paint. Great. But, the kicker came this week when Mattel showed what a bunch of pussies they are and actually apologized to the Chinese!!! According to the news article, Mattel sent one of their executives to personally kiss the ass of Li Changjang (seriously, that's the asshole's name), who is China's product safety chief. What the hell is going on here?

Mattel is worried that the Chinese dickheads, whose feelings have been hurt through all of this, will impose extra costs on them, like taxes and fees as repercussions. I've got my own suggestion.

Since Mattel doesn't manufacture their shit here anyway, I say we just don't buy their toys anymore. It's bad when they poison our children, but it's worse when we have to wuss out to the Chinese for it.

How about this? Mattel moves back to the States, or even Canada (practically our 51st state) and introduces a new doll that faces east and raises her middle finger. It's called the "Go Fuck Yourself Barbie". I'll buy three.

Queer Eye For That Senator Guy

2007-08-31T08:02:00.000-07:00

I've got to get my two cents worth in here. Seems a Senator Larry Craig from Idaho (yeah, I've never heard of the dude either) tried to pick up an undercover cop in a mens' room at an airport. According to the cop, his actions were consistent with what a shitter-stalker would do when you're horny and in enjoying the friendly skies.

Personally, I can attest that the depressurization of the cabin does put a little lead in the pencil sometimes, but that's as far as I go. The last thing I'm thinking of is playing footsies with some dude while dropping anchor.

The Senator claimed he had a wide stance. Come on, man, you're not playing on the offensive line. He also said he was picking up toilet paper off the floor, which the cop interpreted as soliciting hand gestures. Who the hell picks anything up off the floor in a public crapper? No one. Not even the janitor.

But the best part is that the Senator didn't say a word to anyone. Not to his wife, his staff, or even his pastor. Instead, he gets the citation in the mail and pleads guilty via the post office. This isn't a traffic ticket, you dumbass! You go to court, make the cop look stupid (not that hard to do sometimes) and take your best shot of getting out of the mess.

Frankly, I thought the only things that ever came out of Idaho were taters and Napoleon Dynamite. Now I can add dumbshit gay republicans to my list. Maybe his constituents should "Vote For Pedro".

Hug A Honky Day

2007-08-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of peace and brotherhood, Dr. Robert Bimbeaux, PhD, has come up with another of his brilliant and alcohol induced ideas: Hug A Honky Day!

By a simple embrace inspired by Amma, the good doctor figured that honkies need some lovin' too. Of course it sounds too easy to make fun of an idea, especially one that involved hugging a stranger, but with some new age music and a little bourbon, it's all good.

So, next time you see a honky who's a little down, give him or her the hug they need.

We do need your help. Even though it's fine to hug a honky any day of the year, we would like your input for a day that is put aside to celebrate Dr. Bimbeaux's genius. Any suggestions will be taken seriously.

Also, we have a great promotional video to help us roll out "Hug A Honky" day. Enjoy.

A New Labor Negotiation Tool

2007-08-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows about sick days, vacation days, or the even crappier one, Paid Time Off, which is a combination of both (sounds better than it is, trust me). We all need a break from work every once in a while, but you don't want to call in sick if you're not.
With all of this in mind, we at the Hairy Carrot Institute for Labor Relations have instituted a new benefit that will keep everyone happy.

The "beach day" is nearly the same as a sick day, with the exception that you're not bullshitting your boss when you want to play hookey and hang out on the beach drinking beer all day. Just call in and say, "Sorry, I can't come in. I'm taking a beach day." Your boss will respect your honesty.

Of course, when you're in the process of a job interview, you should ask about the "beach day program". Or, if your employer is on the ball, he or she will bring it up first.

"You get health benefits, 5 sick days a year and 5 beach days a year."

Now that's who I would want to work for! By the way, don't send us your resumes.

Kiteboarding Idiots

2007-08-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

Ever go to the beach and want to relax in about three feet of water with a beer in your hand? Sure, why not. Ever wonder if you're about to get decapitated by some dick who's kiteboarding? Hmmmm....

A few weeks back, I'm chillin' like Bob Dylan with my homies (and some little homies) and we see this thing coming down the beach from about a mile away. No shit, it was that big. If you haven't seen one, it looks like a very large, yet festively colored, maxi pad. From the shore I'm sure it's very nice to see, with someone below it, strapped in and bouncing in the waves and going pretty fast. I'd estimate you could probably go in excess of 25 mph.

So here I am with my posse and our little heads surfacing, when Karl Kiteboarder goes by past the breakers. That's cool, I'm thinking, because he's gone past us. But no, asshole comes back around for a second pass, and this time he misses us by about 3 feet! What a dick. Not sounding like a prick, but he really could have seriously injured someone.

I stood up and started waving my arms and middle fingers at him, but dude wasn't concerned enough to come back for his ass whooping. Unfortunately for him, though, the cop on the beach saw me raising hell. The 5-0 went after numbnuts about 100 yards down the shore and made him bring his rig in and pack it in. Possibly the only time I've had a "good" encounter with a cop.

My message for kiteboarders is this: Stay past the breakers, because if you come near me again and I have to put my beer down, you'll wish there's a cop around to help you out, because I'm going to fuck you up.

Lindsay Lohan Is In Big Trouble!

2007-07-26T19:31:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. You don't have to say it. Who gives a shit about Lindsay Lohan? Well, evidently, you do. Admit it.

Personally, I didn't want to write about this big dummy, but the Baron called to let me know that he didn't like her or her ilk. The Baron is right in one regard and that is that the press spends way too much time on the new generation of idiot skanks. Brittany, Paris and Lindsay are being rammed down the throats of folks like me that try to avoid it. (Personally, I think Paris has had something rammed down her throat already.)

But do you really care if Nicole Ritchie is knocked up. She's not all that attractive to begin with. No meat on her bones and a face like E.T. And that's glamour!!!

So now we have Lohan plastered all over the news, as if it's news, and pictures of her with her non-working ankle bracelet which couldn't detect the alcohol in her system due to the giant bandage wrapped between the said ankle bracelet and her ankle.

The latest is that the Lindster is claiming the coke in her tight jeans couldn't be hers because she was wearing someone elses pants. I'm sorry, but those jeans were probably made for that tight little behind of hers, so I'm calling "Bullshit!" on L.L.

By the by, her mug shot was actually kind of hot, in a trailer park dirty girl way. Is that acne scars or has she promoted herself to crystal meth?

And what really sucks is that I shouldn't even know this information.

I am asking everyone to help me with a project. As soon as you hear or see something about these turds, turn it off and scream "I don't give shit and Posh Spice can go back to England!"

Are You Going To Eat That?

2007-07-20T07:19:00.000-07:00

I'm finally back from my Mid-July sabbatical and I'm already looking forward to my end of July sabbatical. Beer is good for drinking on these hot summer days.

Speaking of ingesting delicious items, an article appeared in USA Today recently on the benefits of placentophagy. For those of you who don't know what the hell I'm talking about (and neither did I until I read the article), placentophagy is the act of eating the placenta after having a kid. Yeah, it's not veal cutlets, but being the open-minded kind of guy I am, I read the entire article to get all the sides of the story.

Evidently, animals have been dining on afterbirth for millenia, why I don't know. The new argument is that it reduces the effects of post partum depression. If Tom Cruise had known about this, he could have avoided looking like an (bigger) asshole on the Today show. "Matt, aliens didn't put us on this planet to eat our innards!"

The article went on to say that nowadays the placenta is freeze-dried, decaffeinated, emulsified and put into a convenient capsule form. Personally, I think "Placenta Tartar" would have been a hit at an upscale restaurant in New York or LA.

Anne Swanson, not of the frozen food fame, actually went to court to retrieve her placenta from the hospital where she gave birth. The staff felt that since there was blood involved, her afterbirth was a hazardous waste material, but since there was litigation pending, they put it in the freezer to await judgement. Remind me not to order anything thawed at the Sunrise Hospital cafeteria in Las Vegas. The judge said something to the effect of, "Just give it to her and leave me alone." Justice tastes great in a capsule form.

So, I guess this opens a whole new world for us. If you're feeling down, eat some placenta. Or, use it as a garnish when self-medicating. Yummy!!

Solving The Illegal Immigration Problem

2007-07-10T20:56:00.000-07:00

Congress recently killed the big immigration bill that would have allowed Mexicans to go back home and come back with all of their families. The big problem was that the bill was supported by Presidente Bush, and right now he's not getting much love from the public. Also, the bill's opponents said it would have given amnesty to the Mexicans that are here.

The last time I remember amnesty granting was in the 70's when we told all the guys that ran off to Canada to avoid being sent to Vietnam. President Carter proclaimed them forgiven and let them come back without fear of being sent to jail.

But I digress. The problem with the bill was these people were illegal aliens, which means they weren't supposed to be here in the first damn place. But they work hard and cheap. And this is how we beat back this beaner menace.

First of all, we as Americans have to get off of our lazy asses and work a little more. That means getting a second job or cutting your own grass. You see, if we take the jobs they work, there will be no work for them. Hah!

Secondly, we need a reward system. If you capture a criminal, you get a reward, right? And the government is always bitching about not being able to round up 12 million Mexicans. Make it worth my while, though, and I'll help out. How about a $25 dollar bounty for each illegal turned in to the cops. Shit, even the crackheads will turn in their dealers for that.

Hell, I can think of about $750 worth of illegals working in restaurants right off the top of my head and I'm not even trying hard. That's making bank!!

Mid-Year Carrot Conference

2007-06-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

Sorry, but the Carrot has been "indisposed" for the last few weeks. First of all, there was the Mid-Year Carrot Conference 2007. What's that? You've never heard of the Carrot Conference, you say?

The Carrot Conference is held at least once a year (per the bylaws) and usually somewhere near one of our many distribution centers so we can write it off our taxes. Also, we can get drunk and crash in the warehouse. To avoid drunk driving charges, find a cop and make him or her your best friend. Meet the cop's friends. Then, leave some sort of contraband in their home.

The list of speakers was by far the best we have in a while. The Baron unveiled the new design for the "Honkies for Obama" shirts. Get your orders in while he's still a candidate! Chris Benoit gave a stirring speech on family values and Paris Hilton showed us (via satellite from jail) how to take a dump in front of a lot of people.

Speaking of Paris, I was really moved when she got out of jail last week. It was reminiscent of other people leaving jail/prison, like Martin Luther King Jr and Nelson Mandela.

So, I'm getting back into the swing of things. First off, I'm going to send a posse to find Willie B.

Bulgarian Love Connection

2007-06-08T03:54:00.000-07:00

Q. Why do husbands die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Last month, 19 people were arraigned with conspiracy to defraud the United States government. What were they doing? They were arranging marriages between Bulgarians and a bunch of rednecks from South Carolina and Georgia. A total of 28 people have been charged in the scheme, which authorities say go back as much as ten years.

It seems that the couples weren't living together as they had stated on their paperwork. Hell, if that is the basis for making a marriage real, then hardly anyone is "married". And if they were shacking up, doesn't that make them common law spouses in SC? Who knows?

There is one thing I do know and that is that no one would have known the difference. There are around 12million Mexicans running around and the President wants to give them what amounts to amnesty. However, we're ready to prosecute a handful of Bulgarians that actually went to the lengths of getting married to Billy Bob and Jimmy Sue. Shit, we should be grateful that Billy Bob and Jimmy Sue aren't getting married to each other. They're probably related anyhow. To paraphrase a geneticist, "there's no need for DNA testing around here".

Marriage to anyone can be worse (hypothetically) that any prison sentence or deportation, yet even gays want to be married. All of this leads me to several conclusions:
1) Immigration officials would rather go after the little fish
2) Whoever arranged these marriages is the genius, as long as he or she made a buck off of it.
3) Bulgarians should be a lot smarter than marrying anyone from Dillon, SC

What's Next?

2007-06-01T11:34:00.001-07:00

So we finished out another May with its motorcycle rallies. For some reason, we can't have one big bike rally, but instead we have two. The Harley guys show up about a week or so before "Da Momo" (see previous post). But in the name of racial harmony, why don't they pool their resources and have a big ole time together?

Two things would be accomplished by doing this: One, Atlantic Beach, home of Da Momo, might actually make a buck. Seems their revenue has dropped steadily during the past few Black Bike rallies and this could get some of those "professionals" Harley riders into the town.
Secondly, I could get an extra week of peace and quiet.

Unfortunately, this all makes too much sense. So here are some suggestions for other rallies.
Latino Bikers
Amerasian Bikers
NAMBLA Bikers (and their little friends, of course)
Cancer Survivor Bikers
Pan African Bikers
Service Industry Bikers
Baby Daddy Bikers
Gay Eskimo Bikers

Speaking of, the Baron himself called our home office with vital information. Seems that David Hyde Pierce, Niles Crane of the "Frasier" television show, is officially out of the closet. Who knew? The way he pranced around sipping lattes nearly had me convinced he wanted to bang Daphne.
How about an Outted Actors Bike rally?

Da Momo

2007-05-24T19:25:00.000-07:00

Last week, those of us fortunate enough to live in the Myrtle Beach area survived another Harley Bike week. Ten days of motorcycles that made too much noise. I always hear how it's so great for the local economy, but I have to tell you the truth. I've lived here 18 years and have never made a buck from a biker. Many of the people I know can say the same. Who makes their money from bikers? Motels and restaurants, that's who. Since I'm not part of either industry, I don't feel obligated to be nice or grateful to these people.

And you know, I don't think it's my responsibility to "triple-check" my mirrors when I'm driving either. Screw that. If you don't want to get hit, quit going in and out of lanes at 60 mph.

All of this leads to the Memorial Day weekend, aka Black Biker weekend or "da Momo". Local hoteliers tell of getting reservations for "da momo" throughout the year. Boy, we're lucky!!

So again, I've never profited from these guys and gals either. But you can help. We at Hairy Carrot are looking for a suitable date for "Hug a Honky" day. Personally, I think the Tuesday after "da momo" is appropriate, while others think it should be before the bike rally. So we ask for your input. Let us know.

In the meantime, I'll be sipping on gin and juice, eating some fried chicken and waiting for the Grand Marshall of the festival, Don Imus, to help us come together as one big family.

Hooray, The Bikers Are Here!

2007-05-18T01:18:00.000-07:00

If you live anywhere near the Grand Strand, you know how much fun May can be. Personally, I can hardly contain my emotions this time of year. With hundreds of thousands of motorcycles roaring up and down the road, it sure is a great time to live here.

For the past seven or eight days, some of the coolest people I've ever seen breeze in and out of traffic, seemingly with no regard for the others in automobiles. Of course, there have been a few accidents (84 at last count) and even a few fatalities (3, and the over/under this year is 7), but gosh darn it all, it's all fun.

There are some things that confuse me though. Why, for example, when it's hot outside, do people go to the beach, wear lots of leather and ride up and down the road, where it's even hotter? You're at the beach! Go to the beach. Get in the damn water and cool off. Shit, you can ride around in Pennsylvania if that all you want to do. It's cool there, just like you.

And as you probably know, this is Harley week. Attended predominantly by a bunch of honkies, it's a stark contrast to next weekend, known in these here parts as "black biker week", unofficially, I might add. I love it when some idiot tries to distinguish the two by claiming that the Harley riders are "professionals, lawyers and doctors". As an open minded kind of guy, I went through the parking lot at both locations of Dog House, Suck Bang Blow and HB Spokes. There are definitely more "doctors and lawyers" in prison than at these spots. Trust the Carrot on this one.

But overall, I'm glad they're here. I like loud noise and I want to go to their hometowns and return the favor. Who needs sleep anyhow? And I really enjoy waiting twice as long for a table on Mother's Day. So does mom. Just because it's her day, doesn't mean she can't be inconvenienced.

So next week, let's all remember the veterans who gave their lives for this country by watching some big asses on bikes and throwing back some forties. Memorial Day wouldn't be the same.

Where Willie B. At?

2007-05-11T12:49:00.000-07:00

I'm calling out to all of the Hairy Carrot universe for help. Our little Willie B. Hardigan has gone missing and we miss him something awful. We miss his sarcasm, reviews of TV shows, and especially the way he farts when he laughs.

I've checked every milk carton in the store, but no pictures of Willie B. anywhere. Don't take this as a "dis" Willie. We just figured you'd surface by now.

So please, Willie, if you can read this, get in touch with us. Write a blog even. You know what to do, so do it. And we won't ask where you've been or why the police keeping wanting to question you about an incident with an underaged girl. By the way, is that THE Chris Hansen, from NBC News that's always asking about you? If so, could you get us his autograph?

24 - Revisited

2007-04-30T00:05:00.000-07:00

If you haven't been watching "24" this season, now is the time to jump in. You see, the terrorists who had nukes (and lit the fuse on one) have been caught, and with plenty of time for the show's writing staff to change the story completely to a new plot line. With 4 (or is it 5?) hours left in the day/season, our hero Jack Bauer has discovered that his main squeeze (painfully played by Kim Raver) was being held captive by the Chinese. He managed to get her released, but only by giving away Russia's nuclear secrets.
Ms. Raver quit the show last year to be in her own show, which was mercifully cancelled after the Discovery channel's documentary on a 450 pound turd killed it in the ratings. So "24" took her back. Her character, Audrey Raines, has had her brains scrambled by her Chinese torturers, which is going to make Jack extra motivated, since he obviously still wants to tap that ass and she's in no condition to put up a fight.
In this season's story, Jack has been freed by the Chinese himself (see "irony"), chased Arab terrorists, single handledly assaulted the Russian embassy, killed his partner, tortured his brother, been accused of killing his brother (his dad did it), got a boner for his sister-in-law and had a sit-down with the President. All of this, mind you, without once stopping to piss or take a shit. This explains the look on his face all the time - he's cheeking it.
Meanwhile, the Vice President has taken over the for the President, who is in a coma. Some may say that this is the scariest scenario of all, but this is fiction, not real life.
On a personal note, I think it's a hoot watching Ricky Schroeder of "Silver Spoons" fame as a badass federal agent. No longer "Rick", he's managed to torture/interrogate one of his co-worker's, only to find out she was innocent in the first place.
Some folks out there are saying that this show has gone too far with some torture scenes, and that's giving the green light to our troops in the field. So, honestly, what's the problem with that?

NBC Gave Us A Cho Job

2007-04-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

This week, a Korean national named Cho with mental problems decided to take out a bunch of his fellow students at Virginia Tech. I knew the ACC was a tough conference, but shit.
After shooting up the place, Cho made the only rational decision of the day and shot himself. Great. You saved us the time and expense of having to put you on trial. But what did this sneaky shit do? He mailed a "manifesto" of sorts to NBC, who received the package two days after the carnage. No word on if he used FedEx or the U. S. Postal service, but I'm sure there's an endorsement deal that just went up in smoke.
I turned on the television Wednesday evening to see images of this guy with guns pointing at the camera and the news guy is saying how disturbing it must be to the students and victims' families to see this prick's message from "beyond the grave". Hey dickhead, nobody said you had to show it! And it went on and on and on.
The next day, NBC was under fire for being the whores they are and milking this crap for every dime of advertising dollars they could get.
So here's the deal. The next time some dick decides to shoot a bunch of people, he can send his message to NBC (or other media outlets) and be assured that they'll do the irresponsible thing and show it. I just wish they'd show Don Imus put a bullet in his head after he shoots off his mouth.

Don Imus - Dumbass

2007-04-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

We all know what a dipshit Don Imus is. The guy isn't that great of a radio "personality" to begin with, much less a star. But don't tell his stupid fans this. For those of you not informed in such matters, Imus basically got his start being a "shock jock" after Howard Stern more or less invented the art form. Stern also kicked the ass of the I-man in the ratings, while Don was busy being a cokehead.
So after his comments about the Rutgers women's basketball team over a week ago, and having to hear everyone pontificate on talk radio and television, I feel compelled to thrown in my two cents worth.

First, who in the hell appointed Rev. Al and Rev. Jesse to be the judge, jury and executioner of anything that offends blacks. Rev. Al has had no credibility since the Tawana Brawley case. Everytime I see that brother, he pisses me off, including the whole thing with Chris Rock's mama at the Cracker Barrel in Murrells Inlet, SC. Come on, Al. They gave the lady free gift certificates, she redeemed them for God's sake, and she still thinks she a victim. Fuck you, Al.

Then there are the rappers who have made it okay to use terms like "hos" and "bitches". Look, my bruthas, I know they can be bitches, but now you should be have your feet to the fire. But don't blame Ice Cube. This former badass rapper has rehabilitated his image. He's currently on a promotional tour of his new family film, "Is It In Yet?" (or sump'n like dat). Ice was a member of NWA or Niggaz With Attidudes in his former gangsta life. Nowadays, he's a movie star pushing his films on "Ellen".

Two weeks ago the girls from Rutgers didn't know who the hell Imus was. They were better off.

If he had been talking about a team of white girls and referred to them as "whores", would it have made a difference? Probably not.

Where is the outrage when Limbaugh, Michael Savage and other conservative talk show hosts make comments like this? Reverend Al won't go there though, proving that you don't have to eat pussy to be one.

Frankly, I didn't like Imus' show, mainly because I like MSNBC's news shows, and their female anchors are kind of hot (not like that skank on FOX or Soledad). So I'm glad he's gone. Now shut the hell up about it before he makes his comeback.

Extra info: Where the hell is Willie B. Hardigan? If you see him, let him know we still care and want him home.

The Circus Is In Town

2007-04-03T03:54:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I received some free tickets to see the circus (no, not "The Greatest Show On Earth") and since it's been years since I've gone to a circus, I thought it'd be a hoot to see what was under the big top.
I was really expecting to see a lot of old people wanting to recapture their lost memories. After all, it is Myrtle Beach. In the winter months, these mall walking bastards are everywhere, but I guess a lot of them have gone back to where ever they came from in the first place.
Instead of seniors, I got senoras. Mexicans. Wall to wall. And they were the performers. With the exception of the Ringmaster, his equally disturbing female co-hostess, and the Asian acrobats, just about everyone was from South of the Border, and I don't mean the horribly cheesy spot on I-95.
(I just have to say that the co-ringmaster or whatever the hell her title was could have been almost attractive. However, wearing her prom dress was an odd choice at best, and she looked eerily like that scary chick from the Squirrel Nut Zippers.)
The motorcycle stunt riders, the horseback riders, the trapeze artists, the clowns and most of the audience were latinos. Nothing against them, honest. But holy shit, they're a prolific bunch.
In the category of "nicest ass" there was a tie between two of the trapeze artists and Serena, the human canonball. Serena, who was allegedly from the Ukraine, unfortunately had a face sent the clowns screaming, but what a nice hynie. And my lovely free seat was in the end zone, where I could scope the trapeze chicks on their perch from behind. What a view!
So, if you have a chance to catch this show, get your free ticket and head down to Murrells Inlet. And if you want to have some fun, wear a baseball hat with "INS" on it and try to scalp green cards. Ole!

Follow up: Florida won the NCAA b-ball championship last night for the second year in a row. I'm sure the Ohio St. fans are wondering what the hell is going on since they got beaten badly by Florida for the football championship earlier in the year.

Charles Manson - Maybe This Time!

2007-03-25T05:46:00.000-07:00

If there was ever a weapon in the "War On Drugs", it would be Charles Manson. Let's face it, this guy could blame his drug use on all kinds of trouble. And once the rest of the "family" came down, they even probably looked at themselves and said, "What the fuck did I just do?" This would be more than fodder for those evil people that think that all drugs are bad.
Recently, the Baron informed me that Charles Manson is going to be up for parole again this month. For those of you wondering, yes, the Baron does keep up with these kinds of things. That's why we keep him on the payroll.
Anyway, everyone involved, including Charlie himself, knows that he won't get out of jail anytime soon. After nearly forty years, the publicity of the murders still hangs around like a bad fart and the press still likes to talk about it like it happened yesterday. Unfortunately for Manson, who never actually killed anyone, but "led his family" into it, he's portrayed as a psychopathic murderer.
Three women that were members of this "family" are still doing time as well, since they were in fact the ones that carried out the deed. It's amazing what some LSD and a charismatic leader can accomplish. After a few years in prison, the effects of dropping a little "cid" wore off, the ladies did some interviews and I have to tell you, they are not a threat to society. It doesn't matter, though, because they've all resigned themselves to the fact that they're in the poky for good.
Even Chuckie, who's an addled old guy at this point, knows he's just going through the motions with the parole board. But we should continue to give him brief moments of false hope. It's the least we can do the sorry bastard.
And speaking of sorry bastards, since when did Anna Nicole ever do a damn thing that somehow will affect my life some way? I can't watch news anymore without hearing about this chick. Who gives a shit? Seriously, I just want to know how things are in Iraq, the stock market - you know, real news. But what do I get? Autopsy reports! Unless it's my kin, I don't really care how someone goes, especially this trailer trash.
So for the news director who thinks people really gives a rats ass about Anna Nicole, let me give you some advice: Shove a Hairy Carrot up your ass, because you're a piece of shit!!

Doing The Hokey Pokey

2007-03-14T08:48:00.000-07:00

I often hear parents say that they'd like their little boy or girl to excel in whatever sport with the end goal being an athletic scholarship to college. Sounds like a great plan. From now on, though, when that coach comes to your house and recruit your kid, ask yourself one question: Is this person trying to help or just pick up my kid like they're in a singles' bar?
What has this got to do with anything? Well, it seems that the ladies' basketball coach at LSU quit her job last week because of an "inappropriate" relationship between her and one of her players. Pokey (yes, that's her name) Chapman got busted when one of her assistant coaches said something to one of the school's administrators. It probably sounded like, "Yo, Dean, I think Pokey's been eating the kooch of one of our players." Hmmm.
Of course, someone should've known something was smelly fishy when she ran her signature "tuna taco weave" on offense. And when she asked her team to give her a "box and one", she wasn't even on the court. There was one report of a player scoring 23 points and Pokey telling the player "You da man, you da man. After the game, my apartment, you da man!" Okay, so I made that one up.
Look, I'm fairly certain that this half-court carpet muncher meant well, but the ramifications are huge. For instance, I'm sure there is already a porn flick version of this in the works. How about "The Pink Shadow"?

It's March, So Leave Me Alone

2007-03-12T19:51:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know me personally, I'm going to let you in on one of my secret passions. No, not porn, but one that goes just as well with bourbon.
I love college basketball in March. And I was told by my legal team here at the Hairy Carrot Institute that I can't use the term "March Madness" because some prick somewhere copyrighted it. So, from now on, I will refer to it as "March Insanity". Whatever.
Anyway, my ass has been planted in front of the television for the last week watching various conference championship tournaments. Needless to say, I've been inspired by the wins of schools such as Weber St, Eastern Kentucky, and of course, Niagara. And now these guys get to show what they have when they play the big boys from UCLA, Ohio State and Florida.
And I do want to send a special "shout out" to Sydney Lowe and the rest of the NC State Wolfpack team for taking their rival UNC Tarholes to the wire. Needless to say, the Pack will be even better next year and Lowe has turned around a program that was suffering like a Ann Coulter web sponsor.
So, if you're in town and go to a local sportsbar, just shout "Hey, any of you guys Hairy Carrot?" at the top of your lungs and maybe I'll buy you a beer. Or you can just sit down, shut the hell up and enjoy the games.

Ann Coulter

2007-03-05T19:35:00.000-08:00

This past weekend, a bunch of ultra-conservatives had their annual love fest, complete with K-Y that heats up when you blow on it. The conference should have been a showcase for all of the Republican presidential candidates, with soundbites and witty remarks about the Democrats included. Instead, an anorexic, unstable blond stole the show with her "off the cuff" statements.
Ann Coulter could be hot, if it weren't for that faraway look in her eyes that makes Manson look like an amateur. One look at the crazy bitch makes any attempt at an erection run for cover. Think Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" and Lorena Bobbitt, rolled into one skinny psycho woman that would gladly kill any man who couldn't satisfy her, or even worse, threatened to leave her. No wonder she's single.
Given the setting, you'd think that this fucked up whore would be amongst her own, but even these God-loving, family-valued neo-cons were a little rattled when she called John Edwards a "faggot" on C-SPAN.
This isn't the first time this certifiable nutjob has put her foot in her mouth. Her books, which other dipshits love to buy, are filled with such shit. But maybe, just maybe, the bitch did herself in this time. Sure, Rush and his rump rangers will defend her. Hell, I've got ten bucks that he spanks it to her picture. But, they're going to have to tap dance a lot more this time. I doubt conservatives will vote her off "Survivor: Dick Cheney's Nutsack", but they'll consider it for a couple of seconds.
I can only envision John Edwards winning his party's nomination and during his acceptance speech, throw out a little riff like this:
"I was asked to speak about Ann Coulter, but they told me if I called her a filthy cunt with a stinky hole, I'd have to go to rehab. Either way, sniff my finger."
Now that would be great television. You see, women can try to be funny. Some are. For instance, Celia Rivenbark, who's link is on this page, is a funny woman. She actually cracks me up. Ann Coulter isn't funny. She's a scary twat being egged on by other scary twats dressed as pasty white men.
So, Ann, stick a cord of firewood up your ass and get over yourself. One of these days, some dumb fuck is going to settle down with you, and when it's all said and done, he's going to beat the living shit out of you. And the best part is that no one will give a crap because you probably asked for it.

Some Catching Up To Do

2007-02-21T19:12:00.000-08:00

Seems there are just so many things going on in the world, but I haven't had a lot of chances to throw my in two cents. Instead of covering one subject, how about we just cover a lot of ground quickly?

Britney Spears Shaves Her Head
Didn't this skank show her kooch to the world a few months back? Was it shaved? You couldn't really tell. The reality is that I care more about her kooch than her head. Isn't she a singer? Has this chick put out any new songs lately or is she just partying her ass off after dumping that prickfuck she married. Her hot little body has gone to hell and she's mental to boot.
The story about her shaved head dominated the news this past Sunday. There's irony. The media really does need to prioritize. If not, we'll soon find out how many pieces of corn were in Barack Obama's stool after one of his $500/plate fundraising dinners.

Duke Basketball
For those of you not into college basketball, let me help out. Duke had been in the Top 25 for the last 10 years, until last week. They lost 5 games in a row, which is a sign of the second coming. Anyway, they won a game and miraculously re-appeared in the Top 25 again (Rank - 15).
Just to recap, I still say that for a bunch of allegedly intelligent people, it was stupid to hire black strippers for an (nearly) all white lacrosse kegger. In Durham, no less. Shit, they still sell nickel bags there.

Anna Nicole Smith
I don't know and I don't give a shit.

Rush Limbaugh
I haven't busted his miniscule balls in a long time, so I wanted to share something he said on last Thursday's show. At approximately 12:25pm, he was asked by a Libertarian caller about our president's credibility, noting that most of what Bush has said about Iraq turned out to be not true. El Rushdo said "Bush does not lie!"
Never? He's never lies! We know he doesn't because Rush said so. It must be true.

Daytona 500
Honestly, this topic is near the Anna Nicole topic on the old "Do I Give A Shit-O-Meter", but I will admit seeing that car skid upside down for a couple of city blocks was a lot cooler that any special effects shit I ever saw in a Die Hard flick.

Ash Wednesday
Where in the Bible did Jesus say, "Smear some black soot on your head and go shopping in rememberance of me"? Nowhere.

NBA All-Star Game
I just realized that Wayne Newton really did perform, and not an animatronic robot facimile. He was nearly lifelike in many respects, but I had more realistic blow-up dolls. Mr. Synthetic really does not need close-up camera angles.

Peace out for now, honkies!

What the hell just happened? Part 1.

2007-02-11T19:36:00.000-08:00

You know, sometimes yours truly needs to get a little break from reality, take a little vacation, recharge the old batteries. So, I'm sitting around the last few weeks, trying to get my thoughts organised about this here blogging thing, when I get the biggest case of writers block ever. EVER. No ideas whatsoever. I gotta take action.

Now, it ain't like I got no fodder for the ole' brain cannon. Ya see, I have a DVD collection that rivals Netflix, and I have not one, but three(3) DVR's, and a Big ole box o' educational tapes from years gone by. And if I'm not sitting on this machine all day, I'm watching the boob tube. So why Willie, why? Why have you been MIA for far too long, you may ask?

I went on a ski trip.

Big deal, some may say..whoop dee freakin' doo...Some of you vomit at the mere mention of the white stuff. See, I've lived in the South all my life, so I'm used to 95 degree weather with 100 percent humidity. Most precipitation I see is clear, not white, (unless it's the once a month the old lady gets off it, ba doom doom cha.) So when I was invited for a FREE fun filled week of fun and frivolity at a ski resort, I said what the heck.

So stay tuned for Part 2 of my trip diary. It'll be a hoot. 5 days, 30 people, 56 cases of beer, 28 large bottles of booze, 2 twelve-person hot tubs, and male to female ratio pushing 4.7 to 1 (still don't know about that one chick.), average age 23, and everybody wantin' Willie B. to show how to do it "Old School". Word up, yo.

Willie B.....seein' ya.

Anna Nicole Won't Rest In Peace

2007-02-10T05:00:00.000-08:00

Anna Nicole Smith died this week, and boy, what a fucking mess she left behind. With her son's death a few months earlier, her only heir is a infant girl. Of course, whoever the "baby-daddy" is will get custody of the child and control of her estate, which includes a possible $450million. As we all know, Anna Nicole went all the way to the Supreme Court to fight for the estate of her second husband, a wealthy, yet very old, man that couldn't even make it to his own honeymoon. Instead, she took a male "friend" with her to the Greek Isles. Romantic.
Now every guy with a dick is coming out of the woodwork proclaiming to be the father of the child, including another old dude named Prince Frederick who just happens to be Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband. If it weren't for Viagra, I wouldn't believe it. Even the "Surreal World" hasn't heard of this dickhead yet.
The latest theory is that the father could, indeed, be the old guy that couldn't make it to his honeymoon. Supposedly, the grampy still had some sperm to be dispensed, and Anna Nicole talked him into freezing it for her later use. I've seen pictures of this guy and I would imagine he was shooting blanks, but what the hell do I know?
One thing is for sure. I can't be the father of the child, but it would be cool to be a suspect. I'd be high-fivin' the Baron and Willie B. and regaling them with stories of bangin' Anna Nicole.
"Yeah, that bitch sure did like my little weiner!"
Of course, I couldn't be the father of that kid. This is because, though I'm not very picky about my women, I am about keeping my two-inch terror from disease. That chick saw more dicks than a urinal, so if I had banged her, I probably would've worn at least one condom, possibly more.
And throw in a dental dam for good measure.
So now Anna Nicole is going to be a legend and we'll be seeing her face on every tabloid for the next 30 years, much like Elvis and Marilyn Monroe. Possible look-a-likes will make appearances in live tributes or, if we're really lucky, porn flicks. That's what I'm talking about, damn it.

Climate Change?

2007-02-02T08:22:00.000-08:00

A study was released today by scientists from 113 countries and guess what? Global warming is, in their words, "very likely" caused by humans. And all this time I thought that it was my farts.
But the far right conservatives, who are having some sort of a sexual affair with big industry, doesn't want to fess up that maybe us humans are the cause. This is because then they'd have to push legislation to cut down on pollution. Well, shit, doesn't that just cramp your style.
And these scientists don't paint a pretty picture for the future either. With ice caps melting, that raises sea levels. Think your homeowner's insurance was tough to pay before, wait until your house is under 2o feet of water.
Of course, the brighter ones of us will make our move now. Move inland, invest in "green" technologies (why not make a buck off of global warming?), and other things I haven't thought of yet.
Fifty years from now, I just want to make sure the ice in my Beam and Coke doesn't melt. Is that just too much to ask from our leaders? Shit, Bush should appreciate this argument. He used to be a drunk (but not an alcoholic, because those people are "fucking strange, with their meetings and all"). C'mon George, help a brother out.
So, my advice to all is this: Don't breed, and live it up. We'll be gone when it gets really hot anyway.

I Sold It On Ebay

2007-01-27T17:36:00.000-08:00

For those of you who haven't had the joy of seeing "The 40-Year Old Virgin", the hot milf in the flick has an Ebay store where people take their crap and she sells it on Ebay for them. These stores do, in fact, exists, and they are for people like myself who really don't feel like taking the time to actually sell something on the auction site. Or the elderly who found some rare antique in their closet (like a strap-on used by Millard Fillmore) and don't know how to use a computer.
There is a lot of time and effort involved to sell something correctly. Let's say you have a printer that is no longer in production (perhaps a Canon BJ-85, perfect for a laptop!), but people would still like to have one. You can take a picture of it, write a long description of said printer(and the disc and cords and shit), and then dick around trying to find a price for it. All in all, you've spent at least an hour screwing around with this project when you could have been doing something more interesting, like watching some porn and playing Whack-A-Mole.
Or you could take the printer to the local Ebay store and let them do all the work in exchange for keeping a percentage of the sale. That's even easier than a UNC coed.
I, the Hairy Carrot, have a personal perspective on this deal. You see, I took a printer to an "I Sold It On Ebay" store, where it was listed and sold. That was back in December. It's almost February and I still haven't gotten my money. I called shortly after the auction was done and was told that the check would be in the mail within 30 days. I tried calling again, but the phone just rang. What the fuck! So this past week, I'm in that neck of the woods and decide to see these dickheads. To the surprise of absolutely no one, the place is shut down with a sheet of paper on the door saying the store is "temporarily closed" and there's a website to visit.
Now I'm getting pissed because there isn't even a phone number to call. I went to the business next door and the nice lady (firm titties) tells me that "their phone just rings all day. We hear it all the time."
So I get home, check on the website and learned that these stores are a ripoff to everyone involved, mostly the sap who bought the franchise. There was a section to fill out and leave a angry message, so I did.
A couple of hours go by and sure enough, I get a call from the owner of the store, who explains that the payments go to the home office, but they haven't sent him his part of the money in weeks. The poor fuck is going to have to get a lawyer to buttfuck these dicks, but according to the website, he may have to wait in line. Evidently, these stores are dropping like Bush's approval ratings.
So, my life lesson for you is this: don't sell your shit at an Ebay store. And if you see one, go in and tell the guy working in there to get the hell out because he's going to get fucked in the ass and they won't even kiss him on the mouth first. And if you see my printer, send it back to me. -HC

2007-01-23T18:29:00.000-08:00

Greetings fellow readers, Willie B. here with an inaugural review, or as I like to call it, "What I did instead of watching American Idol." Hell, watching 2 hours of The Weather Channel is more intoxicating, because I'm always trying to figure out why all the female stormcasters are knocked up. Weather as an aphrodisiac...Hmmmm, guess Texans aren't the only ones "getting 8 inches" tonight...
Anyhow...lets get on with our review, shall we?
Part One: Ted Nugents "Spirit of The Wild."

Besides being a famous rock n' roller, brother Ted is an avid outdoorsman, political activist, and, extremely brash dude. Popularly known for his music career, Nugent has recently jumped into the spotlight for his highly conservative political views, and boy are they..
The good people at The Outdoor Channel have given The Nuge' a sweet little 30 minute nugget of TV heaven called "Spirit of The Wild," a show in which we get to watch Ted and his brood get their hunt on. Not for the squeamish, the program usually has Ted stalking deer, or some other wildlife, and then with his compound bow, launching an arrow right into the creatures vital organs. Like I said, not for the faint of heart.
The coolest thing about this carnage is that it's REAL. No Hollywood special effects on this one, I tell ya. Nothing compares to seeing Ted just go flat apeshit orgasmic over the "Mystical flight of the arrow," as he pulls down on an unsuspecting animal. And thats the joy of the show. It's not seeing Ted hunt down the creatures of our world, it's watching the sheer thrill he gets from doing it. I mean, the dude eats, breathes, and shits this stuff.
Oh, and by the way, The Motor City Madman's wife is a major part of the show. "And that's important how?" you may ask. Simple reason, really. She's SMOKING hot. Ted's wife, Shemane, is not only one fine momma, but could probably kick your ass before you knew what hit you. There's just something about seeing a hot babe in comouflage.
Alrighty folks, now that you have an idea what the show is about, I'll get Part 2 of my review up ASAP...You gotta see what he does to Marys' Little Lamb
Willie B. ...Seein ya.

24 - Day 6

2007-01-15T19:51:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't watch "24", you're losing out on some great water cooler material. To update you, terrorists (who just happen to be Muslim) are blowing up shit left and right across America. The President, who just happens to be the brother of another formerly assassinated president (and now does Allstate commercials) is grabbing at any opportunity to stop the bombings. Jack Bauer, our hero, was going to be sacrificed as a way to strike a deal with the terrorists, but he managed to kick their asses and foil their plans. He's quite the badass.
Right about the time Jack was going to call it quits, the bad guys managed to set off an miniature nuke, thus pissing Jack off enough to make him stay on.
Now, there are also several unbelievable events on "24" that make you wonder. For instance, two black presidents in under 10 years? And neither one of them ever acted like Al Sharpton. Hmmmm. Also, this president is sporting a goatee. Yeah, right.
And how did Jack get cleaned up from his stint in a Chinese prison so nicely? He was given a bowl of water and some scissors. He managed to look like he came right out of "GQ" when he was done. What the hell did he do in that Chinese prison? Shit, Jack, put the curling iron down and make me some egg rolls!
Anyway, I highly recommend this show, if for nothing else, the violence. Watching Kiefer Sutherland gnaw on the neck of one of his captors brought back memories of "The Lost Boys", and I didn't have to suffer through the fucking "Coreys".

(Happy) New Year

2007-01-06T20:46:00.000-08:00

The year 2007 rolled in like a big smelly fart and, of course, all the festivities that came with it were right behind. Drunk driving checkpoints alone are reason enough to make you friends with a cop for one day out of the year. You just call them up around right after lunch on December 31 and ask where the checkpoints are "so I can avoid the traffic".
The last two New Years' we've had the special joy of watching Dick Clark mumble his way through the evening. "Ah can hahrdy wait fo do bahhhl to dwop, Wyan." And the cop thought I was fucked up. You just don't put a guy that has had a major stroke on television unless it's a documentary. And I don't give a shit if the guy owns the show or not.
The highlight for me is seeing the "tributes" to everyone that died the year before. There's always some sappy music and you're like "Damn, I didn't even know that asshole was sick!" I'll miss them all.
Speaking of the dead, how about James Brown's funeral? Whoopin' it up with a band and shit while the open casket is right there. I'm telling you, us honkies have a stick up our collective asses sometimes, and funerals are one of those times. The only thing missing was Kramer to put the "fun" in funeral.
In stark contrast was the week-long non-festivities that went with Gerald Ford's funerals. (Note the plural on funeral.) The family should have sold t-shirts with that world tour. There's only four more stops before they plant him.
Anyway, I really just wanted to bitch and moan a bit about idiots that make resolutions. Let's get this over with quickly. First, they don't get kept, and secondly, about 99 percent have something to do with losing weight. I don't give a shit if I drop the 35 much pounds needed to make my wiener look even bigger than it already does. So I'm going with the resolution I can keep: No more sex with underage girls from Prague. There's a commitment, bitches!
Happy New Year!

On a side note, I've managed to retain the services of a film reviewer who goes by the name of Willie B. Hardigan. Look on the blog for his insights and introspective view of the world.

Hey Saddam, How's It Hanging?

2006-12-29T02:27:00.000-08:00

It seems as though everyone's best friend, Saddam Hussein, is in for one hell of a weekend. His death sentence was upheld by an appellate court this week, and the Iraqis government, not known for many successful decisions of late, has sped up the process of execution.
Now I know what all of you people are saying. "Why do we have people on death row for years and years and those crazy Iraqis can't take care of business in less than a month?" I'm not really sure why this is, except that this country is run by a bunch of pussies who think a murderer has more rights than his victim. And it's Christmas, the time of year when executions should be stepped up.
CNN, home to some pretty hot anchor bitches, is reporting that Saddam may be swinging like my johnson on a hot, summer day before Gerald Ford gets cold. My gut tells me that Saddam has asked for this whole mess to be finished soon, because he can't stand turning on the television in his cell and watching Rosie O'Donnell picking fights for attention.
On a related note, most people don't realize that Saddam is a huge fan of James Brown, who died Christmas morning. Crushed and filled with despair, the deposed dictator reportedly cried like a little girl a the news of his idol's passing.
In conclusion, they really do die in three's - Saddam Hussein, James Brown and Rosie O'Donnell's career.

Christmas Is A Time For Giving...

2006-12-22T05:21:00.000-08:00

Ah, it's that time of year. Carols, Christmas trees, crowded fucking stores filled with assholes. Everybody wants something, either a toy or a donation for some poor family. Why can't we do this shit in June when it's warm? At least I wouldn't have to be shopping with every other sick dick in the mall, with their runny noses dripping snot. Tis the season, though.
And gifts. Where do I start? There are those people who really don't need anything, so you get them a gift card. There's a scam. Did you know that somewhere around 80% of gift cards get redeemed? True shit. That means about 20% pure profit for a company that sells gift cards. Money for nothing. If you have a business and have the ability to sell gift cards, you're a damn idiot if you don't do it.
There are people that don't understand what the meaning of the word "gift" is either. When I give someone a gift, it doesn't mean I'm obligated to receive one in return. It means I didn't have to give you a damn thing in the first place. If you don't like the gift, shut the fuck up and smile and say thank you. When I leave, you can give it away or throw it in the trash. I don't give a shit.
You wouldn't believe how many people I give something to and they bitch about it. "This isn't a good color for me" or "Not another gift card." What the hell is the matte with you people? I really don't think that the Magi had a Target gift receipt for all that myrhh. (What stoner gives a baby incense?)
So, don't be a dick during this Christmas season. Order all of your gifts off the web, avoid the mall, and drink heavily. That's what Christmas is all about.

Time Magazine - Puss Out Of The Year

2006-12-18T19:40:00.000-08:00

Go ahead and pat yourself on the back. You're a winner and you now have something to put on your resume. You see, Time Magazine has chosen you, the blogger/information sharing public, as their "Person Of The Year". How gay is that?
There are actually individuals that are much better candidates for this honor, like the President of Iran. He looks like a fucking terrorists with that windbreaker and his Manson-esque far away look in his eye, and he's got nukes! Yeah, I'd put him ahead of some idiot blogger, like myself.
Then we also could consider Ladainian Tomlinson who is juking white boy defenders in the NFL. Or, I would consider Sydney Lowe, who has already looking for the paddles and screaming "clear" while resuscitating NC State's basketball program, thus giving hope and joy to many frustrated Wolfpack fans.
But nooooo, the magazine thinks that a dude in his underwear with mustard on his shirt and jerking it to Ampland pics is a more qualified.
With all of this in mind, we will be choosing the Hairy Carrot Person of the Year for 2006. Send in all of your nominations with an explanation in 25 words or less why they should be our pick. And don't be gay like Time Magazine.

Christmas Is Great For Pranks

2006-12-08T10:54:00.000-08:00

I really don't care for Christmas all that much. Actually, if they cut it back to once every five years, I wouldn't shed a damn tear. Everyone is so happy and joyful and shit, it makes me feel bad about screwing with their heads, but I do it anyway. So here are some cool ways to jerk those idiots around.
For example, I ship plenty of packages full of gifts to friends and family. On the outside of the package, write in large letters, "Are you still having those sexual fantasies about your letter carrier?" Boy, they'll get a kick out that one!
If you are unfortunate enough to work in a retail environment, the company usually wants some empty boxes gift wrapped to look like gifts and displayed throughout the store. Who says the boxes have to be empty? Put a piece of sandwich meat (ham, corned beef, etc.) inside the box before wrapping. After a week or so, an aroma will start to permeate through the store, and your co-workers will take a while before figuring out where it's coming from. Stinky gifts are the reason for the season.
Here's a great one if you enjoy small kids as much as I do. Go to the area in the mall where Santa is and tell the kids in line (you have to make sure parents aren't around) that old Kris Kringle keeps the "reindeer food" in the front of his pants. Remind the child that there are starving reindeer in Africa.
If you can come up with any other ideas, send them to me. It'll make the season a little brighter for all of us.

Doing It Like The Monks Do

2006-12-01T17:09:00.000-08:00

First of all, I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I took the time to spend with family and couldn't get the hell out of there fast enough.

A few weeks back, I was watching a show on the TLC network called "The Monastery". This reality show had a basic premise: Take five guys with problems (war wounds, drugs, alcoholism, etc.) and put them alone in a monastery with monks for a month. Nobody gets voted off or anything. Instead just watching them cope with being around a bunch of celibate men and do as they do is the entertainment.
To be honest, I didn't pay all that much attention to it, but there was one thing that stood out. The monks were silent for a few hours in the morning, and the abbott mentioned that the "civilians" could learn a thing or two from this practice. So I decided to give it a try.
In the car, riding for an hour at a time, I turned off the radio, quit screaming at my fellow drivers, and listened to my thoughts. At first, it sucked. I didn't realize how much shit was swirling around in my brain. After a while, everything slowed down long enough for me to at least get a handle on the situation.
Here's a sample of the ramblings in my head.

Wal-Mart really does suck.
I'm worried that I like porn too much.
Pink Floyd is a lot harder to listen to in the car, because you have to be sober to drive.
Christmas should be held every five years.
Al Sharpton can kiss my honky ass.
Letterman has the "Top Ten" and "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches". Why not nightly "Awkward Apologies"?
Porn's okay in moderation.
This pope isn't as cool as the last pope.
Capital gains taxes suck.
Chuck Amato can't be too surprised he lost his job.
Bush needs to flatten Bagdad.
That "Borat" guy is funny as shit.
There aren't any fugly chicks in country music anymore.
Fuck it, I love porn!

As you can see, there's a lot of stuff going on in my brain. And this list was from the first 20 seconds or so. Eventually, I zoned out, nearly hit a tree and got back on the road. I forgot those fucking monks don't drive.

Kramer Is A People Person

2006-11-21T18:29:00.000-08:00

Can you guess what that hard sucking sound is? No, it's not Chuck Amato's career at NC State, but you're close. It's the career of another stupid bastard, Michael Richards. He's the guy that went off on some black hecklers at a comedy club in Los Angeles last Friday night.
"You are a nigger!" he ranted over and over while the audience waited for a punchline. When they didn't get one, they realized the guy on the stage had gone nuts and was having a true meltdown. So what did the audience do while the guy is freaking out? Well, they videotaped him with their cellphones, of course. And with a good dose of commentary from the director of the video.
"Oh my god!" she gasped, as if to never heard the n-word before.
After become fodder for YouTube, Kramer found out what a bunch of shit he stepped into. His agent also saw his income dry up for the next ten years, so a magnificently choreographed publicity coup was staged on the Letterman Show (which still is much better than Leno, by the way).
What evolved was possibly the most awkward apology ever seen by man. Richards contorted and showed what a dork he really is by showing disgust in himself and the "crap I said". He even acknowledged that Letterman had poked fun at the incident, but it really wasn't something to joke about. He should have just cried like Jimmy Swaggart after he got busted for that "funny little whore" thing.
What surprised me was his lack of range when it comes to racial epithets. "You are a nigger!" isn't that original and shows his limits. For instance, he could have referred to the hecklers as any of the following: Coon, colored, blue gum, sambo, porch monkey or denyer of pussy eating. Afterall, they called him a "crackerass muthafucka". Shoe fits, dude.
During his apology, he cried, "But I'm not a racist." Really? He was spewing them out like a professional. Kind of like when the chick in the porno plays a virgin, but you know that real virgins don't suck dick and get ass fucked on the first date. Let's just say Richards gave himself away.
And speaking of apologies, Al Sharpton said that it wasn't good enough (none ever are) because it came on a "white show", referring in his own idiotic way to Letterman. The only thing that will make Al satisfied is when Richards serves Chris Rock's mama at the Cracker Barrel. And who the fuck died and elected Al "Crackhead" Sharpton president of the "Afro-americans" anyway?
I always liked the guy's work. How's about some predictions from the Hairy Carrot nation on where we'll see him 5 years from now. Post your thoughts in the comments section below.

Santa Visits The Geeks

2006-11-17T04:44:00.000-08:00

For the last few days, or in some cases, weeks, losers everywhere have been camping out in front of electronic stores in eager anticipation of Sony's Playstation 3. Yippee!!! I'm sure there's an idiot stroking it right this second just considering having a new PS3.
And gamers everywhere finally have a reason for social interaction, even if it means telling a compatriot the most comfortable way to sleep on sidewalk.
Sony has scored the marketing coup of the year by having "production problems" which in effect means that there might not be enough machines to go around. Talk about drumming up demand, and in turn, lines around Circuit City.
But does an electronic store really want people sleeping in front of their store? Some might, if they want the publicity. A smart bum could kick ass if they played their cards right. For instance, set up camp in front of a store, and then auction off your place in line to the highest bidder. There's a lot of Thunderbird to be had, my homeless amigos.
Speaking of auctions, some of these folks have plans for their PS3 machines, like taking them home and putting them up for bid on Ebay. I'm all about making a profit, especially off of geeky guys and gals. And Ebay is the place to dump stuff people want. My theory on Ebay is that when you become the "winning bidder", you're actually the losing bidder. That's because you have agreed to pay more than anyone else thought the item was worth. Dumbass. Like that sandwich that had an image of the Virgin Mary on it. Oh yeah, that was worth thousands of dollars. All that did was entice asshole around the globe to put sandwiches on Ebay.
Back to our subject, these dorks that slept in front of Best Buy for days are the same dummies that won't wait 30 minutes to be seated at Outback for a lovely ribeye. Probably the same reason they can't get mates either. I guess speed dating is out of the question.
If you are one of these people that doesn't think you're life is completely fulfilled until you have the newest in electronic gaming, then let the Hairy Carrot give you some advice:
1. Get a life. You're a loser and Sony is playing you like a cheap violin.
2. Get laid. This might be impossible for you, given your "condition", but birds of a feather flock together and all that shit. You might actually be able to "hook up" with someone of the opposite sex without using cables.
3. If you must wait in line, make life as miserable as possible for those in line in front of you. Offer free beverages, like beer or coffee. Both make people piss a lot and have to leave the line. And be open to leaving turds in hard to find places. No one wants to smell your ass, even if a PS3 is 40 feet away.
4. Bring porno magazines to distract the others when the doors of the store actually open.
5. Remember, the only thing worse than a geek is a geek "wannabe". Leave the fucking comic books at home
Maybe this will help you out, but I seriously doubt it.

A Real Change Of Leadership

2006-11-14T11:22:00.000-08:00

Now that the mid-term elections are behind us (mercifully), the 2008 Presidential race has started to take shape. Sen. John McCain, a POW in Vietnam, and Rudy Giuliani, former Mayor of New York when the 9/11 attacks happened, have both announced they are forming exploratory committees for their presidential aspirations. In other words, they're running for President, but they have to get their ducks in a row.
We can expect more little weasel politicians to come out of the woodwork in the next few months. Hillary, John Edwards (who could actually win), John Kerry (stick a fork in this dumbass, he's done) will all run. I can see a McCain/Giuliani ticket against an Edwards/Obama ticket. It'll be ugly, and of course, a lot depends on Iraq and other variables.
With this in mind, I'm considering an exploratory committee for my own run for office. President Hairy Carrot. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Hell, I'd even make the legendary Baron Spencer Von Dahmer my running mate. Of course, we'll have to see if he's available.
Over the next few blogs, I'll give you some of my positions, which are universal in nature.
For instance, we need to guarantee our personal freedoms. Like legalizing prostitution. Seriously, what is the difference between a whore and some skank you pick up in a bar, take home, bone, and leave $50 on the dresser to help her with her power bill? None. Does that make the bar skank a whore? You figure it out. And of course, you wouldn't kiss either one of them on the mouth.
Abortion? Raise the legal abortable age of a fetus to 18 years. I think we can all live with that, unless you're 15 years old and can't behave your sorry ass.
Estate taxes need to be done away with. If I bust my ass and horde half of the county, I should be able to give it to my offspring without them having to be shaken down by the IRS. Pricks.
Iran and North Korea need to be nipped in the ass, from now. What the fuck are we waiting for? Everybody knows that the North Koreans would sell a bomb to anyone to put some food on the table. The Chinese want to handle this, but screw that shit. And the Iranians are a boil on the ass of this planet. I say we give Israel the green light and our blessings to bomb both of these upstart nuke countries "Dresden style". Then, during an elaborate ceremony at the U.N., we present Israel with a check for $50. You know, to help with the power bill.

Frat Boys

2006-11-10T17:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's great when other people look like assholes. That's because I can do nothing and still come off as a pretty cool dude compared to them. And that's why I like frat boys so much. They're inherently dicks to begin with, but put me or the rest of the Hairy Carrot Nation next to them, and we look normal for a change.
So, it was no surprise to anyone when two Chi Psi fraternity brothers from the University of South Carolina decided to sue the producers of "Borat". You see, the movie was a fake documentary, but no one told these pricks the part about it being fake. They appear in the film making remarks about women and how slavery should make a comeback. I'm sure the local chapter of Alpha Phi Alpha will be coming to the guys' defense. (Here's another example of a few bad apples ruining it for the rest of us honkies.)
Now these two pussies are claiming that they were mislead about the project and they wouldn't have said all of those things if they were sober. Sounds like a Mel Gibson moment to me, but who am I to judge? I get drunk and talk shit, but it's usually in the form of "Hey, I love to bang frat boys' moms."
The point here is that they did, indeed, make the comments. It doesn't matter if they were drunk or high or sucking the glass dick. They said it. Just like those dumb whores that show their tits to "Girls Gone Wild" and then get upset. Fuck 'em. I did.
Frat boys hate being called "frat boys". Who cares what they like? I prefer to call them poor little drunks with trust funds, but it doesn't roll off the tongue as well. So if you're a frat boy and you want to change your image, don't support these racist fags. Shun them as if they were Latinos at your country club. Then, disavow your gay fraternities based on "Greek" culture. Trust me, real ethnic Greeks think you're all a bunch of sissy boys anyway, and so do the rest of us.

An Asian Girl's Favorite Holiday

2006-11-03T10:28:00.000-08:00

The Hairy Carrot Mid-Term Election News Crew has been working hard on our picks for several offices. Our criteria was simple: vote for the person that won't screw up as much as the rest. Also, some just had better ads and didn't grate on our nerves as much as others. Some were pricks, so we tossed them aside. On the whole, we used a very scientific method.
For South Carolina Governor, we chose Mark Sanford, the incumbent. The main reason was that he's not a good ole boy redneck.
In Connecticut, we suggest Phil Maymin, the Libertarian. He's got the best commercial in this year's races. Watch and you'll see why we like him.
Overall, we don't like the Democrats nor the Republicans. They both suck ass hard, so out of disgust, we suggest you vote for a third party.
The Libertarian Party probably represents our sentiments the best. Most obvious is their stand on the legalization of drugs. Yippee!!!
So, next Wednesday, when you wake up and find that your tax dollars are still being whored out, just by a different set of whores, don't blame us.
And yes, Asian girls love "erection" day.

Shooting Guards

2006-10-27T09:44:00.000-07:00

NBA Commissioner David Stern sent out an edict (more of a request) to his players this week in which he said he wants guns left at home. Huh?
What brought this about was an incident this month involving several Indiana Pacers. Seems these nice upstanding young men were at a titty bar until about 3am, got into some sort of an argument, and decided to take matters into their own hands. Of course, the argument followed them to the parking lot where their posse, weed (which belonged to the posse, wink, wink) and guns happened to be. Shots were fired, blah, blah, blah.
I'm not implying all NBA players love titty bars, guns, weed and their posses. But there is a lot of this shit going on. How does this relate to the average Joe on the street, or more importantly, me?
Well, on a personal note, I love titties, but I avoid titty bars. In the deep south, they're referred to as "titty flops", because the titties flop. You leave one and your drunk, broke and horny. Trust me, I don't need their help in any of these three areas.
I don't own a gun, because I'd probably shoot every dumb fuck in traffic. Keep pulling out in front of me and I'll get a gun, dumbshit.
Weed isn't a big deal to me. I'd rather hang with a stoner than a drunk, if you must know the truth. Drunks get aggressive and annoy me. Stoners sit on the couch and watch Star Trek for hours at a time.
And finally, I have friends. I don't call them my posse and I don't like moochers, which is what an NBA posse is.
Stern, the poor shit, has to put up with this crap all the time. When was the last time you heard of the NFL or MLB commissioner asking their players not to pack heat? Never, because it doesn't happen.
Shit, I need a shiv.

Top GOP Leaders Love Homos

2006-10-20T13:14:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the Republican National Committe sends out daily talking points? And that those talking points are distributed through the Drudge Report? It's true. The Drudge Report is used as a conservative clearing house of " information" for media outlets like Fox News, Rush, Hannity and other "fair and balanced" pundits.
The problem is that Drudge, who ironically made his mark on the world by breaking the Clinton blowjob story, has himself,been long rumored to be a dick smoker for years. This means that while the Republicans have been on the defensive during the Mark Foley scandal and telling everyone how distasteful the whole thing is, gay conservatives have been coming out of the woodwork and saying how they still love their party. And the party loves them. And all the while, the big mouths on the radio are getting all their talking points from some rump ranger.
These are the big mouths that tell everyone how gay marriage is a horrible threat to straight marriage and that gays are sinners. Family values is what it's all about.
So, yesterday, Bush went to Ohio and campaigned on behalf of a congressman who had an affair and is trying to defend himself against charges that he beat his mistress. (Damn family values!)When Bush was asked how he could support such a man, he made some lame comment about how we're all sinners and deserve forgiveness.
Except the fags. Unless their voting. That when he loves 'em. And he loves Matt Drudge.
Conservative fudge packers, unite!!

Chris Rock's Mama And Al Sharpton

2006-10-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

Last spring, Chris Rock's mother and sister went into a Cracker Barrel restaurant. That's where the trouble started. Supposedly, the two were seated and then ignored for over 30 minutes. Feeling slighted on the basis of their blackness, they complained. The manager apologized (said they were changing shifts) and offered them free meals, but as you probably know, that wasn't good enough. So now, Mrs. Rock has called Al Sharpton and she is suing Cracker Barrel.
Let's set the record straight, or as some might say, "skrate". It's a "Cracker" Barrel, bitch! Would you try to get a room at a "Honky Hotel"? Probably. And then you'd piss and moan about that, too. Hows about I go to a soul food place and have everyone stare at me? Like the scene in "Animal House" when the Deltas went to see Otis Day and the Knights. But then I'll sue the ass off of the brother that owns it because I've been singled out due to my honkiness. Sounds grand!!
And you want to know something? I've been through the same shit all up and down the Grand Skrand. It's called Shitty Service. It has nothing to do with race or creed or color. It's all about people having shitty paying jobs and not giving a damn. Hell, I'm a whitey and I've been left to my own devices in upscale seafood joints, Mexican restaurants and those stupid "three and a meat" dumps.
So, get over yourselves and quit complaining. I'm sure Chris will have some rant about this on his next HBO special. "My mutha fucking mother wasn't served at a Cracker Barrel because of the color of her skin and this is 2006. How fucked up is dat!" I'll remember this all next time the little black girl at McDonald's doesn't remember my fries. "I'm oppressed, bitch!"

Who Do You Trust?

2006-10-13T05:10:00.000-07:00

When you go to work, do you trust your co-workers not to screw you over? Those backstabbing bastards. How about going into a job interview? Will you really get the position you wanted with the perks? Maybe, maybe not. The most notorious in this category is military recruiters. "We'll make sure you get to flight school and be stationed in Hawaii."
Politicians are the kings of all bullshitters. Think about it. Ever try to get several thousand (or million) voters to pick your name out of a group? If I were to run for office, I'd be honest about it. "Vote for me and I'll be the biggest whore in the world. All you have to do is line my pockets with cash." It happens anyway, so it's best to tell the truth up front. It's called integrity.
Can you trust the butcher? Not at my grocery store. I buy meat, put it in the freezer and thaw it out a couple of days later. It smells of ass because it probably wasn't fresh in the first place. I slaughter the neighbors' pets nowadays.
Of course, we've found out that you can't trust your congressman with your kid. And that's because Representative Cock Gobbler (R-Fl) ruined that for us too.
What's the lesson from all of this? Don't rely on anyone else, except for your gut and Hairy Carrot.

Temporary Loss Of Common Sense

2006-10-11T01:56:00.000-07:00

I've been out of touch for the last week or so. Seems Mama Carrot wasn't feeling too hot, so being the great son that I am, I went to visit her and help her get on her feet again. This blog will return in all of it's glory on Friday to make fun of somebody. Probably her. Or you. Or the cock gobbler Foley who has literally "blown it" for his party.

GOP Congress Literally Covers Its Ass

2006-10-03T19:08:00.000-07:00

Let's say that you are a social conservative and you think that the Republican held Congress is just neato. You think Bush is okey dokey and, gosh darn it, those homosexuals are going straight to hell.
Now you find out that a Congressman likes to email dirty messages to little boys, and worse, his attorney tells the media (liberal and Fox) that he's gay. "By the way, did we mention he was molested by a clergyman and he's a drunk?" Can this get even better?
Well, it seems it can, and it will. The GOP leaders in the House of Representatives were informed a year ago that Rep. Foley was inappropirately corresponding with pages. Taking a note from the Catholic church and NAMBLA, they decided to sweep it under the rug and hope it would go away. It didn't go away. Now those leaders want you to remember that they are just as concerned about social conservatism as much as you are, with the exception of older men wanting to bugger teen boys in the their butts.
The not-so-surprising thing is that the pages saved the emails and instant messages just like Monica saved that dress with Slick Willie's man-seed on it. Hard copies of the messages appeared on ABC News' website.
Barney Frank, who has been the official sphincter boy of Congress for the past decade, is "laying low" (no pun intended) while Speaker Hastert bends over backward (intended) to keep his job. Now here's a scandal we can all enjoy, unless you're a page.
My summary: Republicans and Democrats are both perverts, so vote for a third party.

School Violence

2006-09-29T19:44:00.000-07:00

What in the hell are people thinking of when they start shooting up schools and shit? In the last couple of days, a principal has been killed in Wisconsin and a teenage girl was killed in Colorado.
The Colorado case was especially fucked up. Duane Morrison, a complete loser with some serious mental problems (documented or not), went into a school, held six teenage girls hostage and molested some or all of them before releasing four of the girls. Of the two remaining, one girl managed to get a way from Morrison, who claimed he had a bomb. Then the asshole shot the other girl in the back of the head before offing himself. What a guy!
Of course, after the incident, it was revealed that this cocksucker had sent his brother a letter that consisted of fourteen pages of his ramblings. In a nutshell, the letter's theme was one of "woe to me". Fucking crybaby.
"My life is sooooo bad. Everyone is mean to me." I have no sympathy or understanding for you or your sad life. Look around, bastard, because there are a lot of people who have it worse and they're not whining like a little bitch, or worse, killing cute girls.
The other case in Wisconsin, involved a student shooting his principal to death. His motive had something to do with being upset due to a possible suspension from school. What was this dick being suspended for? Having tobacco on school grounds.
I didn't know you weren't allowed to have tobacco. Hell, when I was in high school, we actually had a "smoking concourse" where students were encouraged to go to smoke. And those kids were a lot more fun to hang with that the preppy little bitches. Of course, while I was taking trigonometry and college prep English, they were taking masonry and remedial math, but it didn't matter.
I think the cure for this shit is two-pronged and completely diametric. First off, we need to take the stick out of our own asses on shit like smoking and drinking. If that's the worst you can do, we'll handle it somehow. Secondly, we need to start beating the shit out of people that are just fucked up. If you can't behave (and I can only venture a guess that Mr. Morrison had already proved in some way that he was a threat to others), then you either go to Afghanistan and kill terrorists, or we drop you in the ocean and let you fight your deep seeded mental problems in the watery depths. Either way, I'm sick of you and the overly tolerant pussies that take up for your bullshit.

Playing Us Like A Cheap Violin

2006-09-22T05:36:00.000-07:00

I'm going to keep this short, mainly because I'll go fucking crazy if I keep thinking about Hugo Chavez.
In case you don't know who this asshole is, he's the Presidente of Venezuela, which is sending us about a quarter of our foreign oil. That means he has us by about a quarter of our short hairs, as well. A while back, Pat Robertson, the wacky preacher with the funny little drinking problem, stated that the U.S. should go ahead and have Chavez assassinated. Very Christian, indeed!
Anyway, Hugo came to New York on Wednesday and declared George Bush "the devil". He even said that the smell of sulfur was still on the podium from Bush' s speech the day before. So much for diplomacy.
Condoleeza Rice, speaking for the administration, said she wasn't going to "dignify the remarks" with a reply. Taking the high road shit is for the birds in this instance, whether you think Bush is Lucifer himself, or just a lieutenant in the evil army of Hades. Personally, I think his daddy got him preferential treatment and he was in the Satanic National Guard, flying decommissioned planes from Texas to Florida, but that's another story.
The day after Hugo's speech, he went to Harlem, where he played up his new program. What was this new program, you ask? Heating fuel for poor Americans.
I know we are screwed when we let a foreigner come here, insult our president, then start a program that our own government should be doing in the first place. Maybe we can let the Iranians feed the poor or the North Koreans could staff our military. Sounds like we solve a lot of problems that way.

Top Ten Reasons I Drink

2006-09-19T11:39:00.000-07:00

10. Chicks don't give me lovin' the way I like.
9. Vitamin C sucks without vodka.
8. They wouldn't have called it "happy hour" unless it really made you happy.
7. Eases me into those brief moments of false hope.
6. I'm still bitter about the Iranian hostage crisis.
5. I'm still bitter about the Beatles breakup.
4. I look better in the mirror.
3. It's legal (for now).
2. Bush quit and look how he turned out.
1. All the cool kids are doing it!

The Raciest Survivor Of Them All

2006-09-15T07:30:00.000-07:00

"Survivor", has gone to new lengths to revive its ratings by dividing the contestants along racial lines. I don't have a problem with this. In the past, the show has seperated the teams by sex. Most of the time, the black team members tend to hang out together anyway, just like real life.
One thing that struck me as interesting, though, was how annoying a bunch of honkies (the "Raro" tribe") can be when they're together. One dude actually stole a chicken from the Asian team, only to watch his teammate set it free. CBS must have edited out the "stupid bitch" comments that were exclaimed in unison around the world when she lifted the box that the bird was under. Like my papa always said, "Choke a chicken before some broad ruins your good time."
Actually, I don't even think the Hispanic ("Aitu") team auditioned for the show. They were probably standing on a corner looking for work when a pickup truck came by and carted their asses off to the Cook Islands.
"Puka", which obviously translates to "we can put a boat together faster than the rest of you" kicked everyone's ass in the challenge. They did this because Mr. Miyagi saved the day by curing his teammate's sinus headache. His technique - pulling the dude's septum out far enough to give him the Asian "Jaime Farr" look temporarily.
The black team, known as "Hiki", or as Snoop would say, "Shi-ziki", came in last in the challenge, thus having to vote one of their own off the island. Before they went, Hiki got to exile another contestant to Spank Island (hey, what would you do by yourself for two days with nothing but water and rice?). The highlight of the evening was when the funky soul brother chose "da guy dat stole da chicken". Turnabout being fair play, his team tossed his ass during tribal council. (Note: How come no two spellings of the names voted off were the same? ie, Sundra, Sondra, Seiko, Seku, Oh Say Can You See)
On a personal note, I called my bookie to find out the spread on the Honky victory, but got no response. And I've heard that the winner will challenge the lesbian Eskimos ("Klon-dykee") next season.
I'll keep you updated as the stupidity continues. In the meantime, we at the Hairy Carrot Institute will try to figure out why the tribes keep getting names that sound like vaginal infections.

Revenge Is Best Served In Salt Water

2006-09-13T12:45:00.000-07:00

Steve Irwin died last week from a stingray barb in the heart. Tragic. What's worse is that at least 10 stingrays have been found killed since his death. Irwin's own animal conservation group has publicly asked people to stop murdering the rays, who probably didn't know what a big celebrity he was.
Didn't Al Qaeda blow up a bunch of Australians in Bali or someplace a couple of years ago? Did the Aussies take the shrimp off the barbie and start killing Muslims, innocent or not? I don't think so. So why start killing wildllife because the Crocodile hunter got his ticker pierced?
Actually, stingrays could be considered "mild-life", because they rarely attack anyone unless frightened, kind of like the nerdy kid in school that got verbally harassed and snaps. Columbine was all about geeks getting pushed around by the "cool" kids.
And this is why I've always said you shouldn't fuck with anyone unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it. That little guy sitting in the corner and picking his nose could probably beat your sorry ass in half a minute, but you're talking shit to your friends about how you could take him down anyway. Then you find out the hard way he's a black belt in karate or he's mental.
Wildlife is called so for a reason. Animals don't use reason or logic. If they feel threatened, they defend themselves. Even my stupid cat, whom I feed and pet, attack my legs when he gets that crazy look in his eye. (Of course, cutting off his nuts probably pissed him off some too.)
Animals don't sweat the consequences of their actions. They don't think that some dick is going to come looking for them. And the stupid Australians need to know that. And that the stingray "godfather" has put a bounty on their heads.

An Open Letter To The Terrorists

2006-09-09T04:37:00.000-07:00

Alright, assholes, you got us with our pants down. We admit it. We weren't looking and you sucker punched us square in the nuts. But let's look at the things now.

Did you know that your boys flying the planes went to a titty bar the night before the attacks? Were they trying to find the 72 virgins? And I understand they ran up quite a bar tab and charged it to the Al Quaeda credit card. Do you guys have a corporate Visa or Amex? Did your holy clerics that ordered the attacks get upset these guys were getting drunk and bonered up their last night on earth, instead of reciting prayers and fasting?

Now you want us to convert to Islam. It ain't gonna happen, pal. You obviously haven't ever dealt with the likes of Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell or Robert "Fartin' Bob" Tilton. They aren't quite right in the head, but they aren't going to jump ship either. From what I understand, Robertson could drink us all under the table and then kick the president of Venezuela in the ass, all in the name of the Lord.

We're not changing our society to yours either. Frankly, we went through the dark ages once before, and it was highlighted by the bubonic plague. Also, since we've progressed to the point where we have sewage and you're still shitting in a cave, I think we have the initiative to fight back on that one as well.

And while I'm thinking about, we really like our porn. Which brings me back to the 72 virgins. I've had a virgin or two in my time, and for the most part, it was kind of lame. The upside is that they don't have anything to compare you to, so you can give a shitty performance (or be a quick nut) and they don't know the difference. Plus, you don't have to worry about diseases. However, they rarely suck the dick and want to "experiment", if you know what I mean. I like an aggressive woman, who'll put my balls in her mouth and scream "Make me come!". In a recent Hairy Carrot survey of 72 virgins, zero said they'd do that. So, if you're into virgins, enjoy, but we don't have any, so leave us alone, Quick Nut.

You say you want to take back your lands, all the way to Spain? What the fuck are you thinking of? When did you have Spain? I seriously doubt you had your hand in the Ottoman Empire. Even they didn't shit in caves.

Personally, I think Bush has been too nice to you. On September 12, 2001 (when we were gettng condolences from around the world and every country was eating out of our hands), I would've gotten on the phone with China and Russia and said, "Hey boys, let's use our atomic weapons for some target practice." Afghanistan would be a parking garage when I was finished. And this would have been a great time to use some of our other weapons, like the neutron bomb, which is considered "clean" because it just kills living things and leaves building intact. No muss, no fuss.

And this is why the American public is getting a little pissy with Bush right now. He's taken his eye off the main objective when he could've gotten rid of you dumbfucks years ago. You're like a gnat that keeps flying around my face when I'm cutting my lawn. (Sorry, I forgot you don't know what the hell a lawn is.) Anyway, I'd get some bug spray and kill all of the insects out in the yard. I'll see if maybe we can do the same for you.

Regards,
Hairy Carrot

PS. I fucked your mom last night.

Katie Couric Is Just Sooo Cute!

2006-09-05T12:25:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the big debut of the "CBS Evening News, Starring Katie Couric." Okay, I don't know if "starring" is in the actual title, but it really doesn't matter. I watched, just to see if it was really news or if she was going to make it really gay, like "The View".
Did you know Couric made television history by being the first (and hottest) widow to be a network news anchor? Who knew she had it in her?
She led off with a story about the Taliban. It was interesting, but honestly, the only reason I'm watching the CBS Evening News is because of war fatigue. How ironic!
Personally, I think she should've added some subliminal porn footage in between stories on Iraq, the economy and editorials. That's right, I said "editorials"!! Just as the public outcry for Evander Holyfield comebacks filled the air in the 1990's (according to Holyfield, himself), so are the people begging for editorials. And Katie is so desperate, she's even asked Rush Limbaugh to do one.
According to the Rush-man, she met his conditions to appear on the show. One of them was a $500 gift certificate to Ryan's Steakhouse, so fatass could put a dent in the mega-bar. The other condition was that there would be no debating, refuting or equal time for opposing opinions. Sounds like his boring-ass radio show to me, but now you have to physically turn away from that mug of his. Thankfully, this will be a one-time gig.
My personal advice for Katie is this: When you're sitting there, reading the news, unbutton your blouse every 10 minutes or so, making comments like, "it sure is getting warm in here with all this hot news". You keep a lot of loyal viewers that way. Between that and the subliminal porn, you'll do great.

Katherine Harris Shunned

2006-08-31T19:54:00.000-07:00

We all remember the 2000 election that took over a month to resolve, and only after the intervention of the Supreme Court. The most memorable of all the idiots in that whole process was Katherine Harris, who was Florida's Secretary of State at the time and also a Bush supporter. Since then, she has been elected to the House of Representatives and is now running for the U.S. Senate.
Suffering from a bad case of "foot in mouth" disease, the dumb bitch spoke to the Florida Baptists Witness (whatever that is) and said that the separation of church and state is "a lie we have been told".
The crazy wench went on to say that "God is the one who chooses our rulers". This was also the belief during the middle ages, along with the feudal system and putting leaches on the ill.
Indicative of diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain, she went to say "if you're not electing Christians, then in essence you are going to legislate sin". What the fuck? Does that mean that if you elect a Jew, you're for kiddy porn?
Needless to say, most people, including those of her own party are distancing themselves from her. Her reply to all this is that she was speaking to a specific group and thus, tailored a speech just for them.
Hey, dumb fuck, just use the same stump speech for every group you visit. That way you won't be offensive and be an unattractive bitch that looks like you just ate a turd.

The King Of All BS'ers

2006-08-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

This John Mark Karr dude has got a set made of titanium. Shit, he was about to get pinched in Thailand and what does he do? He sets his own ass up as being there when little Jon Benet got killed. And what did he win? A free trip home, and more importantly, out of Thailand! Let me put it this way. Those towel heads were naked and stacked up and doing their impression of a pile of shit in Abu Gharib are still glad they weren't doing time in a Thai prison.
Karr was kicking around looking for a teaching job in Thailand. He insisted on working with little girls, even going so far as sending some of his kiddy porn collection as part of his resume. (I'm telling you, he's got balls.) But when his funds got low, he wanted to come back to America. And given the pussy-fied nature of our penal system, he's counting on getting out of jail and walking his perverted ass down the streets of your hometown, looking for fresh meat. Instead, he should be put down, like a half-blind rabid dog that insists on humping your leg. Show me 5, shit, make it 3, rehabilitated child molesters, and I'll show you 3 of the best liars you ever met. You see, they can't be rehabilitated. Once that shit gets into your system, you're stuck with that like a crack monkey on the back of a chicken-head whore.
So, here we are. Mr. Karr got a free ride home because his DNA didn't match, the press is looking even more idiotic than we originally thought, and he's going to do some misdemeanor time before he starts his bottom feeding at your kid's daycare. You sensitive bitches brought this shit on yourselves.

The Horrifying Beating Of A Dead Horse

2006-08-24T19:13:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the guy who claims to have been in the room when Jon Benet Ramsey died is in custody?
Apparently, this just isn't good enough for the media. John Mark Karr actually held a press conference to admit his involvement. This isn't good enough for the press though. They seem to feel that we need to know more.
So far, we've heard that he is a pedophile. But the boys at CNN, Fox, MSNBC, et al think we need even more information. These assholes have told us everything about Karr, including shit no one cares about. For instance, he writes poetry to dead little girls, he married a little girl and the kicker, he was obsessed with little girls. You made your fucking point, Anderson Cooper. He's a creepy fucker, probably the king of all creepy fuckers. But until someone gets a DNA sample, we can move on to other things, like Iraqis blowing up shit and Iranians wanting to nuke us. Anything but Jon Benet or John Mark Karr. Please. I'd even listen to the stock report. Hey, Rita Cosby, look over there - it's a hurricane you can talk about in that raspy, but not sexy, voice of yours. I'm so tired of hearing about this shit, I kind of wish he'd strangle and rape (in that order) your sorry investigative asses.
Remember the summer of 2001, when you all discussed Chandra Levy to no fucking end? The sad part is that the only thing that ended that misery was the attacks of 9/11. Seriously, it took a bunch of hijacked planes to end what you called news and I called "bullshit speculation".
So I'm pleading, begging. Move on. Find something that actually affects my life. Find another pedophile. That dude on Dateline can catch all kinds of perverts for you.
Speaking of perverts and pedophiles, a girl who was abducted in Austria 8 years ago recently escaped her captor. This dickhead had the girl locked in a basement with a sink, toilet and books. Once Mr. Trenchcoat realized his life of little girl molestation was going to be exposed, he threw himself under a train. That would've been a cool thing to see on YouTube.

Rally For Polygamy

2006-08-19T20:43:00.000-07:00

This has got to be one of the weirdest things I've seen on the news in a while. A bunch of teenage children of polygamists spoke at a rally in Utah. Attended by a crowd of about 250 supporters, the teenagers gave only their first names to protect their law breaking parents.

After the success of the rally, the following events have been scheduled around the country.
Concert For Pedophilia, Bangkok, Thailand
Support Your Local Drunk Driver Fundraiser, Washington, DC
Terrorists Anti-Defamation League Bowling Tournament, Lansing, Michigan
Christians For Embezzling, Houston, TX
Republican National Convention, Check Local Listings

What A Dick!!

2006-08-18T05:58:00.000-07:00

Spc. Joe Darby has become the poster child of whistleblowers. In case you aren't familiar with this dude, he was stationed in Iraq a couple of years ago at Abu Ghraib after a shooting had taken place. He asked Spec. Charles Graner for photos of the site where the shooting took place, but Graner, not much of a "labeler", gave Darby two CD's of the wrong pics. When he looked at what he got, Darby supposedly thought it over for a while and turned over the now infamous photos of prisoners being abused and put in compromising situations. Graner felt a brief moment of relief when he realized he hadn't given Darby the photos of his sexual liason with that manly chick he eventually knocked up.
The Army, not necessarily distinguished when it comes to keeping promises (ask anyone who has enlisted in the last 30 years), assured Darby that his identity would be kept secret. Obviously, it didn't take a lot of smarts to know that once the shit hit the fan, Darby and his family would be ostracized by his fellow soldiers.
A few months go by and the pictures cause quite an outcry from the media, the left, the right, Dubya Bush, and whoever else was on their high horse that day. Even the military pretended to be ashamed of it.
The kicker came as Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld testified to a congressional committee. The dickweed publicly thanked Joe Darby for his courageous act of ratting out his fellow soldiers. In essence he ratted out the rat. Then, in an act of real turdness, gave a half-hearted Urkel "did I do that?" for his faux pas. Are we to assume that Rummy wasn't told that the guy didn't want his name revealed? If you believe that, then you aren't very smart.
I know that people are upset at Darby. Some support him. Either way, you have to agree that Rumsfeld was a real prick. Just like the bitch he is, he couldn't wait to spill the beans on the guy that ruined his fun. And blabbing the informant's name has resulting in Darby being put in the Army's version of the witness protection program at this point. His wife has to wear "Groucho glasses" so she won't be recognized at the PX. So let's put the shoe on the other foot.
I'm calling on all of you out there who have some dirt on Donald Rumsfeld to come forth and share with us. If you're the hooker that blew him in an elevator, let us know. If he screwed you out of job so that his nephew could get it, tell us about it. Let's face it, the guy is a dick.

Viral Videos

2006-08-15T01:42:00.000-07:00

First off, viral videos are not sexually tranmitted porn. Even so, I've got to admit I like watching people do dumb shit. Whether it's a choreographed dance routine on treadmills or a woman freaking out on kids in the back of a truck, it's funny. If you're not familiar with viral videos, check out You Tube, Break or Ebaum's World.
Imagine "America's Funniest Videos" without the wacky sound effects and a lot more interesting. There are vids of teenagers beating the shit out of each other, crazy people yelling at the camera, stunts, clips of Japanese hidden camera shows, etc. Those guys who figured out that Mentos and Diet Coke are a great combination got popular when their clips started going around on the Viral Video Circuit. (By the way, at what point did these tools stop jerking off long enough to think of ways to using sodas to simulate ejaculation?)
These clips are great conversation fodder, but then there's always that jackass who will say, "Dude, that's shit is old! I saw the guy eating a turd like four months ago!" Translated to english, he's saying, "I'm a tool that surfs the net all day long!"
So, to you who love videos of people doing dangerous stuff like practicing unsafe sex, I encourage you to get out your cameras so the rest of us can share the fun. We'll be watching.

Terrorists Make Me Work Harder

2006-08-11T08:11:00.000-07:00

The dipshits that were caught this week planning to blow up planes from London to the U.S. make me mad. I had just filled up my woman's bottle full of my special "all natural" cream rinse, and now the T.S.A. weenies took it from her. Does anyone realize how long it took to fill that container for a trip to England? Somewhere in Heathrow airport is a trashcan with my "man-seed" in it. How crazy is that?
Next time, she'll just have to keep it in her mouth until she gets past security. That's the only way we'll defeat these terrorists.

Paris Takes The Pressure Off Of Me To Put Out

2006-08-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, fellas, here's the big news. Paris Hilton, that sweet young hotel heiress, has announced to the world, via press conference, that her snatch is off limits for the next year. Adding insult to injury, she says she's only going to be kissing boys during the twelve month period. That means no hummers, handjobs or mutual masturbation (whatever the hell that is). You can count on the "dirty sanchez" being out of the question as well.
Paris, the little minx, has claimed that she has only bumped uglies with two guys in her life. If this is true, her luck must suck ass, because one of the dudes videotaped them and it ended up being one of the most popular sex flicks on the web. I have to admit, she did give quite a "skull-job" on that shitty tape, but the production values were horrible. Perhaps Paris needs to get boned by Tarantino, Scorsese or Coppola next time,to truly show off her sucking abilities. I suggest a soft lens with better lighting.
This all brings me to the most obvious question of the 21st century. What was going through her pea-brain when she announced her celibacy in the first place? You know, she could've gone through the next year just giving blue balls without making a point of letting everyone know that was her plan. She could've just gone out with some guy and said, "I'm not in the mood" or "Sorry, I'm on the rag." I've heard it all before. Don't worry, Paris, I'm not going to date rape you.
But no, you couldn't settle for that. So now, every guy that's seen with her will either acknowledge that he's whacking it when he gets home, or he'll act as if he's going to be the first guy to hit it since her celibacy announcement. What guy in his right mind is going to be seen with this chick? Lance Bass, that's who.

Mel Gibson Is A Terrorist Lover

2006-08-04T08:39:00.000-07:00

Piling on. It's what we love to do. You get some idiot, raise him or her to stratospheric levels, then knock them down first chance you get. Next, the press and public pile on and give sweeping "what were you thinking?" diatribes.
When you consider that our newest victim of this sick game is Mel Gibson, star of such classics as "What Women Want", "The Chili Con Carne Club", and of course, "Hamlet", well, it's just lovely.
It's old news at this point, but to recap, Mel got drunk and decided to drive home. When he got pulled by the cops, he went into the old Gibson rant about how horrible the Jews are.
There are obvious problems here. First of all, what drunk get pulled and goes on an anti-Semitic rant? I'd be mustering up all of my "Hairy Carrot Powers" to convince the officer that I'm sober, not questioning his ethnicity.
Secondly, Mel's been accused of not liking Jews in the past, but he used his charms to convince us that it just wasn't true. I admit, I even fell for his wily ways and dreamy good looks (not).
Third, he's genetically predisposed. You see, his daddy, Hutton Gibson, is a loony Jew hater too. Mel came to Papa Hutton's defense in a Barbara Walters interview during the promotion of "The Passion of the Christ". When asked about his father's views, Mel said, "Don't go there, Barbara." Being the hard-hitting journalist that she is, Babs gave in like a crackwhore at an adult bookstore.
Hutton doesn't even think that Islamic terrorists were responsible for 9/11. Hmm, he defends terrorists and hates Jews. You know, the fruit probably doesn't fall far from the tree. Shit, I used to believe a lot of my dad's bullshit, like the time he said he'd spend some quality time with me. But I'm not scarred, honest!!!
Mel, dry out, go to rehab, start the Hutton Gibson Home for Aged Jews, or whatever. Just don't try to bullshit us with those dreamy blue eyes. We won't fall for it again.

Scarlett Johansson Ain't No Diva!!

2006-07-28T06:27:00.000-07:00

How does this world continue to spin on its axis when people are throwing out ridiculous accusations? I mean, damn, we can put up with attitudes and all, but really, making poor Scarlett Johansson a target is something I can't put up with.
Seems she pissed off Andrew Lloyd Webber, who brought us "Cats" and "The Phantom of the Opera". Mr. Webber has been working on a big-budget revival of "The Sound of Music" and Scarlett, 21, was going to play the lead, Maria Von Trapp. According to Andy L. Webber, "her demands were so ridiculous".
Okay, I'll take the blame for this one, but it's not completely my fault. You see, Scarlett has been stalking me for about a year. She calls my home and says nothing. Just little whimpers and crying. I'll say, "Scarlett Johansson, I know it's you!" and then she hangs up, confused, yet elated that I even acknowledged her. I started feeling bad for her. So one night, I saw her in the bushes outside my house (she's there a lot) and offered her some advice on "The Sound of Music", including how shitty it would be without lots of frontal nudity. I also mentioned that she should demand the story be brought into the present and more realistic. If a 21 year old woman was going to be the mother of a litter of singing kids, she should portray her as a crystal meth freak with a liver disorder, preferably hepatitis C. All of this was suggested with my tongue firmly in cheek.
Dumb Scarlett missed the joke and went straight to Webber saying that this is what she wanted. Andy, not missing a beat, immediately provided her with a printed copy of Jim Carroll's classic, "The Basketball Diaries". How he knew she was a certified speed reader I'll never know, but she finished the book in about 18 minutes. He next sat with her as they watched the bastardized, updated movie version, which was a turd on so many levels. (Where was the crazy lady in her underwear performing Mass over her kitchen sink, while screaming obscenities?)
Andy put his arm around Scarlett as she stared at the floor of the screening room and said, "You've been hanging around Hairy Carrot again, haven't you?" Stupid bitch fessed up.
So, I've killed two birds with one big rock. I got Scarlett out of my hedge, and I've spared us the tragedy of singing Von Trapps, at least for the next 6-8 weeks. Thank me later.

SOB

2006-07-25T18:18:00.000-07:00

Before I get started, I want to send out regards and thanks to Typhonius, who contributed greatly to our discussion of women's masturbation. Tally ho, good man!

This past weekend I visited the Mecca of I-95, South of the Border. Located about 20 ft south of the North Carolina/South Carolina border is this lovely haven. Anyone who has traveled I-95 is familiar with the cheesy signs with bad puns, like "bedrock weather forecast, chili today, hot tamale." It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it? In a recent newspaper article, the operators of SOB, as it is called (and I don't feel like typing that long shit everything), said they have changed some of the signs on the interstate to make them more politically correct. No more "joust" and shit like that. Some whine shit complained that it might offend somebody who isn't supposed to be here in the first place. Typical. And you know that this same whiny ass was once 8 years old, sitting in the backseat of dad's Caprice and laughing their ass off reading those signs on vacation.
SOB is a landmark of sorts, a tribute to tackiness. It's a small complex of shops, restaurants, a motel ("Pedro has waterbeds" was on a sign behind the counter), arcades, rides, and of course, fireworks shops. This place was a theme park before there was such an animal.
As you would expect, it's gone downhill a bit over the years. The staff looked suicidal, the floors dirty, and the clientele seemed a little skankier than usual. For example, I pulled into the parking lot to find about 8-10 of my funky soul brothers, standing outside the Africa Shop (insert your own joke here), lighting fireworks they had purchased a few minutes earlier. These guys were about 4 feet from somebody's car, lighting explosives with glee. You'd think they never saw a bottle rocket before!
On the whole, I came away from it thinking that SOB is more of a punchline to a bad joke, but's it's also like a train wreck. You don't want to look, but you just can't help it.

Euphemisms - Help Us Out!

2006-07-21T07:32:00.000-07:00

Here at the Hairy Carrot Institute, we've discovered that we're lacking in one area of expertise. Currently, we have tons of euphemisms for male masturbation. For example, flogging the log, choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, etc.
However, when it comes to female masturbation, the list is limited to "polishing the doughnut" and "rocking the little man in the boat". Let's face it, women don't jerk off, they rub off.
So, in the interest of higher learning and bringing the entire Hairy Carrot community together, we're are requesting your submissions. We can't afford prizes (shit, we can't afford a decent website), but we would all appreciate anything that doesn't mention doughnuts.
Pass this request on to any and all who could contribute to our cause. Use the comments section so all can share your knowledge.

Aunt Mary's In Our Midst

2006-07-17T10:43:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard of gay conservatives? Seriously, I didn't make it up. They even have their own group, the Log Cabin Republicans, named after Abe Lincoln's childhood home. Lincoln was the first Republican president, but I don't think he was gay.
Anyway, the Log Cabin, as they call themselves, is comprised of gay, lesbian and bi-sexual conservatives, who support most of the GOP agenda, with the obvious exception to all the non-gay stuff. You see, most conservatives don't support, much less care for, gay rights, such as marriage. Of course, the Republicans are more than happy to get votes from the Log Cabin members.
Gay and lesbians are all about getting married and shit. Why? I don't know. You'd think they'd be happy to have a way out of that nightmare. "Sorry, Bill, I can't marry you because the law says I can't." "Oh well, my loss," followed by snickers and chuckles. The American Bar Association should be positioning itself as pro-gay marriage, because they could make a mint on gay divorce cases, or even gay pre-nups.
Most gays and lesbians feel betrayed by the Log Cabin and even call them "Aunt Mary's", which I learned is the gay equivalent of Uncle Tom. The name game can get very confusing, as in, "Bill, I wouldn't go down on Jim because he's an Aunt Mary." See what I mean?
I personally don't have a problem with gay marriage, as long as both chicks are hot (okay, that one was cheap and easy). And there are too many other things to worry about, like war, gas prices, stock market woes, etc. But why does this bunch of gays support people that don't support them? It's like Neo-Nazi Jews. So I call on all Log Cabin Republicans to merge with the Fudge Packer Democrats or the Carpet Munching Libertarians or the Pole Smoking Green Party. One of these groups has to be a better political ally.
I truly suspect that there are some Republicans that are deep in the closet. For instance, if anyone has a man-crush on George W., it's got to be Rush Limbaugh. You know Rush thinks about George all the time, like when he's eating or doctor shopping or doing Daryn Kagan doggy style. What grown man defends every action of another grown man so much as to broadcast it everyday? I've mentioned it before, but George could get drunk and rape a bunch of nuns in public and Rush would blame it on the liberal media. Go ahead Rush, kiss him on the mouth. You know you want to.

Crack For Crack

2006-07-14T10:46:00.000-07:00

Felix Cocco, 80, of Pittsburgh, pleaded guilty to drug charges, which included selling crack out of his house. Mr. Cocco's lawyer said he also traded crack to prostitutes in exchange for sex. His two goals were to a) pay his bills and b) stay sexually active.
Damn, those just happen to be the goals of everyone else in this country! I mean, shit dude, who doesn't want to keep the car from being repoed and get a little at the same time? And the fact that old Felix managed to combine the two means he deserves a pat on the back. I can't imagine how much money the government could save if this were all legal. There may actually be something in the Social Security funds when I retire and get horny.
And let's not forget the contributions of everyone's friend, the crack whore. Sure, she may be diseased, but does Felix give a crap if he gets herpes or HIV? Doubtful. Hell, the old guy is more concerned about a broken hip or his dentures. Cathy Crackwhore was just being a giving, loving person, tending to the needs of a elderly, horny widower. We should all rally around crack whores who are friends of the downtrodden and desperate, like Felix.
To Congress, I think I speak for all when I say, legalize prostitution and help our seniors. One day, you could be in the same situation as Felix.

The Best Breakfast In Town

2006-07-11T04:52:00.000-07:00

Recently, several people have asked me where to find a good breakfast. I tell them that the best breakfast is one you don't pay for.
Down the road from my place is a large hotel. From 6am to 10am, seven days a week, they prepare one of the finest breakfasts you'll ever have. Eggs, sausage, toast, bagels, fruit, cereal, coffee, orange juice and biscuits.
What's the cost of this spread? Not a damn thing! Sa-weet!
Okay, I know it's not what the hotel had in mind. The guests, who pay for the rooms, are also paying for the breakfast. That's fine. Now let's get back to reality.
The breakfast is built in as a cost. It's paid for if 50 people eat or only 2, and let's not forget, most food is perishable. Fruit does a funny thing when it's stored in a fridge for a few days.
The truth of the matter is that most people check in to a hotel in the early evening and an entirely different shift of employees comes to work in the morning. They don't know who has checked in, and frankly, they don't care. Do you really think the housekeeper gives a rat's ass if someone is mooching corn flakes? Me neither. As a matter of fact, the disgruntled staff sometimes encourages you to eat their breakfast. It's their way of "getting back at the man". Hell, I've seen some "regulars" a few times, and Shananay gives them a big smile. She's cool with that.
Here are some tips for a free breakfast:
1. Go in your pajamas, like you just crawled out of bed.
2. Park in the back of the establishment. Real guests don't go by the front desk.
3. Act like you're supposed to be there. Suspicious or guilty looks won't get you too far in life, especially in this environment.
4. Grab a paper to read.
5. If approached by a manager, make a comment about the lack of handicapped parking.
Living in a tourist/resort area makes a lot of hotels' continental breakfast accessible to everyone. So next time you're in town, let me know and I'll tell you where you can get the best "make your own" Belgian waffles.

The Millionaire Dick Next Door

2006-07-07T07:08:00.000-07:00

If you're a fan of "Survivor", then you are probably already aware of the recent incident involving Brian Heidick, the winner of "Survivor: Thailand". The former soft-core porn actor and used car salesman, shot a puppy with an arrow recently because he thought it was a coyote harassing his pets. He was about to go for a second puppy when his wife, Charmaine, called the cops. The dumbass saw the cops, fled the scene and was quickly caught and returned to his home.
Douglas County Chief Deputy Stan Copeland said that was when he saw evidence in the home to support a charge of family violence. No word was given as to what the evidence was, but maybe there was an arrow in Charmaine's ass.
When you win a million bucks, it helps you become an asshole even quicker. The money also can buy better recreational drugs, like those that make puppies look like coyotes. I'll stick with my Beam and Coke and whatever else I can mooch off of my friends.
In a related story, North Korea's Kim Jong Ill fired several missiles on Tuesday, claiming his people were starving and "we heard there were some puppies we could nuke up. You call them Dachsund, we call them 'appetizer'."
Perhaps Brian Heidick and Kim should get together for a cookout. Heidick could get stoned, think Kim's a rabid bunny, and shoot an arrow into Kim. Of course, we'll need to tape the whole thing for YouTube.

Independence Day

2006-07-03T09:16:00.000-07:00

Two big news stories took over the press today. Lil' Kim's release from prison, where she served nearly 10 months for lying to a grand jury. She had said to the cops that she didn't see her friends at the scene of a shootout in New York. Unfortunately for the liar, she was caught on video and some witnesses dimed her, too.
Since when did lying to a grand jury become such a big deal? Let's see....oh yeah!! Bill Clinton got nailed on that one for the presidential hummer he denied. Pretty sad day when you have to lie about getting your knob polished. And then there's this Scooter Libby guy who is about to get pinched for helping expose a spy.
The joke possibilities are endless when you consider blowing someone's cover and blowing Bill's - never mind!
Anyway, I hope she is completely rehabilitated and remembers the old adage, "If you lie with the dogs, you'll get up with the fleas." I'm sure she's made new friends in the last 10 months who will keep her out of trouble.
The other big story had to do with cracks being discovered in the space shuttle. At first glance, I thought the article was that crack was found. I immediately implicated Lil' Kim and wondered how she got to Florida so fast. But after watching hours of CNN, Lil' Kim was nowhere to be found on the launch pad.
Surely, someone can fix the shuttle. Isn't there a Mr. Goodwrench in Florida somewhere?

Conservatism Vs. Erectile Dysfunction

2006-06-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

Daryn Kagan, CNN's piece o' ass hottie newswoman, has, for some unknown reason, been dating Rush Limbaugh. This is interesting when you consider that he doesn't have enough lead in the pencil, if you know what I mean. You see, Mr. Conservative was detained last week for having viagra that was prescribed to his physician, who said he wrote the prescription in his name to avoid embarrassment for Mr. Limbaugh. Obviously, this plan didn't work, and now the whole world knows the frustration Ms. Kagan has endured.
Daryn, honey, if you need some lovin', come see the Hairy Carrot!
But Rush, with one talent that God evidently didn't loan him, has the same problem as fellow Republican, Bob Dole, and we suspect, other "members" of the GOP. Perhaps this is all the side effects of oxycontin, like temporary deafness. I bet Rush could get it up for the focus of his man-crush, George W. Bush. His adulation for the President borders on gay-ness, if that actually is a word.
"Daryn, I ran out of my blue pills. Could you put on the "W" mask and talk to me about family values until I can get Little Rush to stand at attention."
In a related story, a judge in Oklahoma (the center of liberalism) could get 4 years in prison for pulling his pecker out in the courtroom and using his penis pump, during trials. Former court reporter Lisa Foster said she witnessed Judge Donald D. Thompson expose himself at least 15 times in court. She even described the "sh-sh" sound she heard while listening to the testimony of the grandfather of a murdered toddler.
The Hairy Carrot received transcripts from another trial the judge was presiding over and we wanted to let you in on the fun.
Defense attorney: "Mr. Johnson, did you see the accused kill the victim."
Prosecutor: "Objection!"
Judge: "Huh? Er, on what grounds? Sh-sh-sh..."
Dude, get some batteries or a muffler for that thing!

My, What An Offensive Shirt You Have, Grandma!

2006-06-26T11:12:00.000-07:00

A store in Warren, OH, decided to stop selling t-shirts due to protests from locals. A whopping crowd of 30 bitched and moaned until Rose Beauty and J-Fashions removed the shirts, which had pictures of the Pillsbury "Dope" Boy (who wasn't "baked").
Gail Salter, a self-described "concerned parent" said the shirts encouraged kids to use drugs. After the rally, she went directly to the local hospital to have a gigantic bug removed from her rectum. Physicians also found what they described as "a big stick, nearly a 2 x 4", which they also tried, unsuccessfully, to remove. "We just couldn't get it. What a tightass!!" said Dr. Howie Feltersnatch.
Pillsbury had no comment on the incident, but one executive said off the record that the company thought the combination of the Dough Boy and marijuana was a natural "tie-in" for their products. "Let's face it, stoners love cake mixes. Some even put them in the oven."
As a sidenote, "Honky" shirts are available at www.hairycarrot.com.

Liberal Bee Jays

2006-06-23T06:54:00.000-07:00

Desperately trying to find a topic, the intrepid Hairy Carrot news teams stumbled upon this gem from the June 22, 2006 edition Southwest Daily Times, in Liberal, Kansas. The story had to do with a screwy minor league baseball game between the Liberal Bee Jays and the Derby Twins. The gist of the article was that it took 31/2 hours to play less than 5 innings, due to delays. The delays included a coach being ejected, lightening, rain, and a 35-degree drop in the temperature. Since when did a drop in temperature delay a game? Anyway, the Twins, frustrated at the delays and the officials' lack of decision making skills, had enough, packed their gear and left. The umpires called the games (evidently it was a double-header) a forfeit.
The most interesting part of this article was the name of the team. It just doesn't get any better than that. Remember, Kansas is a pretty conservative place. This only makes it better when you imagine girls with t-shirts proclaiming, "I (heart) Bee Jays!". If the team goes undefeated, their slogan could be "You Can't Beat A Bee Jay!"
The big leagues should look into these kinds of names as well. The Houston Hummers could play the Texas Titties or the Cleveland Cunning Linguists on "Dental Dam" night.
We realize that we're about 50 years to late to savor the endless possibilities of Liberal Bee Jays team slogans and logos. Why didn't we hear about this earlier? At this point, it doesn't matter, just enjoy. If you have any ideas for team promotions, let us know in our comment section.

Git-R-Done

2006-06-20T04:37:00.000-07:00

If you grew up in the 1970's, you'll remember a television show called "Hee Haw". The show was full of dumb humor, one-liners, and my favorite, country music. It played to, what the politically correct call, "the salt of the earth" audience. Everyone else called them rednecks, but it in a way that even the rednecks weren't offended. Nowadays, we have something called Redneck Humor, nurtured by a guy whose catchphrase is "You might be a redneck if..." One example that is always left out is, "If you fuck your sister, then you might be a redneck." Perhaps that one is just too obvious.
Spawned from the hell of redneck comedy is a guy who goes by the moniker of Larry the Cable Guy. This guy is about 30 years too late for Hee Haw, and from the looks of him, you'd think there was absolutely no such thing as evolution.
He's got two catchphrases of his own. One is his "I don't care who you are, that's funny!" That one is for jokes that really aren't funny (a vast majority), but it's his lame way to encourage the audience to laugh at them anyway.
The other, more disturbing line is "Git-R-Done". Now, this one is pretty fucking prolific. I've heard some hot women say it and I've also seen it on the back of pickup trucks (go figure). Usually I look for lines from Shakespeare on the back of trucks, so you can empathize with my dismay.
The weird thing, I don't think anyone knows what the hell "git-r-done" is supposed to mean, but Larry and his fans repeat it like a mantra.
"I'm going to the beer store."
"Git-r-done."
"I banged some chick with an STD."
"Git-r-done."
It's as stupid as the mullet that Larry had in the 1980's when he performed under his real name, Dan Whitney. There's video of him all over the web doing his act, wearing khakis and acting less like a redneck and more like a yuppie wannabe. Git-r-done.
Idiots will just about say any peabrained shit that pops into their head. And when that dumb shit becomes popular, that's when you start hearing little girls playing Barbie and Ken says "git-r-done".
The Hairy Carrot has been thinking about it and has come up with his own catchphrase. "Eat some pussy!" defines the ideals I live for.
Larry and Hairy have several things in common. We both work under fake names (my momma didn't name this honky Hairy Carrot), we both had bad hair in the 80's, and now, we both have catchphrases that leave no room for doubt who we are and where we're coming from.
There are some differences, though. For instance, I'm really from the south, but he's from Nebraska. I quit telling fart jokes in fourth grade, yet Larry still serves them up like the professional he is. You get the point.
Just to recap, the Hairy Carrot nation needs to step up to the plate. Repeat after me - "Eat some pussy!"

Amazing News Items Are Usually Related

2006-06-16T06:27:00.000-07:00

This has been a big week for news. Darryl Hannah, mostly famous for "Splash", was physically removed from a tree in California. She was protesting because a landowner wanted his property back from the neighbors, who have taken it upon themselves to grow a vegetable garden on it. Damn capitalism!! Anyway, the news channels got downright giddy showing Darryl Hannah getting pulled out of a tree, and of course, she came off looking like crazy bitch.
Unfortunately for J.J. Redick, she was supposed to be his designated driver. J.J. gets a few drinks in him and where is his ride? Up a fucking tree!! Sweet. Next time, call a cab, J.J.
Which brings me to the crime wave of current/former Duke athletes. Fact is, you have to be really smart to get into Duke, but I guess common sense isn't a factor on the SAT's. Next time you want to hire strippers for a party, upgrade to some classy white chicks that don't already have kids. It's amazing what an extra $50 will do sometimes. Strippers with stretchmarks aren't my cup of tea. Unlike government contracts, a stripper shouldn't be hired because she's the lowest bidder.

Terrorists Vs. Our Gang(s)

2006-06-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

Crime has increased for the first time in a long time and the official government line attributes the jump to gang related activities. Gangs have started to move to the Midwest because there are plenty of white kids that aren't into crystal meth and crack yet, so they have an untapped market. Either as a member or a customer, these youths are sucked into this shit.
But the main thing gangs are good at is scaring people off of their turf, or terrorizing them. Just like in the movies, little old ladies can't walk down the street without fear of getting robbed or beaten or worse. Hell, I'm more afraid of a crackhead with a shiv getting to me more than I'm worried about Al Qaida.
The tactics of gangs and terrorists are obviously similar. They both use fear as their main weapon, as well as violence, and turf warfare. Also, they both generate an income stream through illegal drug sales.
Which brings us to another point. Why doesn't our congress grow a pair and officially declare gangs as "Domestic Terrorists". Sure, it's a cheap excuse for a solution, but it would work better than whatever we're doing now. Instead of only the FBI watching the gangs, Homeland Security could also get in on the act. Military tribunals and keeping "detainees" in Guantanamo would also be part of the package.
But a better solution is out there as well. After their name/status is changed by government, we can cut them a deal. Offer them a new turf, a new market for their crack and meth - IRAQ!!
But they can have it under one condition - if they kick the terrorists and insurgents out of the country. Talk about a brilliant idea. The thugs leave here, go there, and fight a war for a country that, at this point, has nowhere to go but up.
I'm not bragging on the gangs, but you know that the smallest crip could kick Osama's ass. Word!

Rush Limbaugh's Evil Plan

2006-06-09T05:54:00.000-07:00

Did you know that every President since Nixon has won the "south". In other words, if you don't make it below the Mason-Dixon line, you won't make it to Washington, DC. Clinton won the south, because he was from the south and knew the sensibilities of southerners. Gore lost the south, even though he was from Tennessee, but lived there a total of two weeks during his lifetime. John Kerry lost by virtue of the fact that he was from Massachusetts and southerners don't give a crap about New Englanders for the most part. Democrats, for the most part, just don't seem to see this pattern, thus making them rubes for 2008.
Rush Limbaugh, the spokesguy for the Republican party, has figured this all out and has come up with a devious plan to make sure he keeps his buddies in power, as well as keeping from paying his "rich guy" taxes. His is the kind of plan that seems to play on the wishes of stupid people, and the liberal left fits the bill to a tee.
The scheme is nothing more than this: Play up fears of a Hillary Clinton candidacy. "Ooh, we don't won't her to get the nomination, because she could win and we'll be in soooo much trouble with another President Clinton." Boy, that would be scary.
Did you know that a lot of liberals stupidly listen to Limbaugh's show? It's true. They think they're listening in on the enemy's inside information, and old Rush, not being stupid as much as annoying, has decided to play them like a cheap piano. It's called misinformation, you freaking retards - learn about it!!
So, the left hears Rush's "fears" of Hillary and figure they're onto something. Only thing is they are so out of touch with reality (nominating Kerry), they think the gal can win the south. Herein lies the problem.
You see, the Hairy Carrot was born and raised in the south and I like to think I have my stinky finger on the pulse of the place. Truth be known, most southerners wouldn't hit a bull in the ass with Hillary Clinton. That's the bottom line. They liked Bill, but his wife is another story altogether. The political speak for it is "polarizing", as in "she polarizes voters." In english, people just don't like her. She pissed too many people off during her husband's term for various reasons. Those reasons include universal health care and causing us to go through an impeachment because she wouldn't service Little Bill, if you know what I mean. A few hummers on her part and we probably wouldn't have even heard of Monica, much less an HBO special.
Don't believe me, go to a hair salon on a Friday, when the ladies are getting all gussied up for the weekend, and ask. (Trust me on this. If you want to find out how people feel about something, go to a salon/barber on Fridays and get the better results than any marketing company could ever get you.)
Even Bill Maher, the whiniest bitch on the left has conceded that Hillary doesn't have a chance. But those crazy Dems will probably get it in their craw that she does and nominate her anyway. Rush and the rest of his Neo-con brethren will laugh all the way to the White House, unless they nominate Condeleeza Rice. Don't even make me go there!!

Big Love

2006-06-05T07:15:00.000-07:00

Obviously, this is some kind of cruel joke by the folks at HBO. The whole premise of this show is that polygamy is still being practiced under the radar in Utah and the practitioners are really good, decent people. Some would say that the show is a thinly veiled argument for polygamy, but if you watch it enough, you'd know better. "Big Love" wouldn't make you want one wife, much less three.
Granted, Jeanne Tripplehorne is the normal acting chick of the three, much in the same way that Marilyn is the normal one on the old "Munsters" TV show. The rest of the characters are just plain weird.
Take Chloe Sevigny (Nicki), who probably is hot otherwise, but looks like an Amish serial killer on the show. She makes you squirm everytime she's on the screen and this Hairy Carrot was quoted as using the word "creepy" at least four times.
The youngest of the three wives is okay, cute and innoncent enough. She kind of gets in the way more than anything, though.
You have to wonder what is so special and different about each of these women that makes the husband, played by Bill Paxton, feel so compelled to bring a new one on board. Seriously, what is Jeanne Tripplehorne not doing in the bedroom that constitutes marrying a psycho chick? Does Bill have a nutso fetish? Shit, man! What he really needs is a good drinking buddy to set his sorry ass straight.
Which brings us to another point. What the hell is wrong with this guy? He's puts up with three whiny bitches, supports them, pays their bills (Nicki's a credit card fiend), works his business and has power struggles with other polygamists. No wonder the poor bastard is praying all the time. He prayed before deer hunting, before a meeting, while talking with his brother and probably before taking a dump. Not that this is a stretch for Paxton. Check out "Frailty" for a real strange flick with some psycho-religious themes which make the Conservative Christians look like freakin' amateurs (and he directed it as well).
Bill obviously hasn't done normal guy stuff, like whistling at girls, going to a sports bar, watching porn and taking his son to a strip club. Therein lies the problem with the guy. He needs a little downtime with the guys, if nothing else, to realize how much estrogen has crept into his system by osmosis. He's turned into a wuss, and I'm sure this isn't what the early Mormons had in mind when they started the whole polygamy thing in the first place. Having multiple wives would make the men look virile and able to "service" all of his wives. And in their brains, anybody could put up with one wife, but it takes a real man to humor five or more.
There are solutions to the show's problems. First, a little more nudity would help. "All of these women, not enough frontal," was the way a friend expressed himself in a recent discussion. And yes, you can Google images of Chloe Sevigny nude.
Secondly, how about letting Bill have a menage a trois? Hell, he talked these bitches into going along with the whole monogamy crap in the first place, so it should be a natural progression up to "how about a threesome, Nicki. And if you want, we'll pray first."
All I'm saying is that HBO, the network that brought us "Hookers On The Point" and "Real Sex" could do more for my $9.95 a month. How about a show about lesbian polygamy? It may get the Bushies to squirm a little. Gay marriage plus multiple spouses equals RATINGS (as long as all of the chicks are hot).

Da Spelling Bee

2006-06-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

Katherine Close just won the National Spelling Bee and wow, was that exciting! She spelled "ursprache", which is a vaginal infection, prevalent in coastal areas of the United States. And this is where we think the Spelling Bee organizers are rather biased.
Of the last 40 or so words the kids attempted to spell, at least 30 of them were based on the female anatomy or some female "problem". How is a twelve year old boy supposed to know what a "maxipad" is, much less "menstruation". The only time the guys had a chance was when it came to the word "swallow". The girls didn't have a clue. One of them even asked the "country of origin", like it was foreign or something. Maybe she's married, because once they get married, they forget all about shit like that.
The ebonics spelling bee will take place next month, with contestants attempting to spell words like "birfday", "skrawbary" and "wif".
Oh, and the Hairy Carrot hopes he spelled her name correctly.